Just In
for Toughening Up

7/19/2012 c1 1Deranged Dairy Products
I'm not really familiar with Night Gallery. If Rod Serling's involved with it, does that make it sort of like Twilight Zone? If so, good taste. Also, I like wearing hats all the time. If we were back in the 1920's, you would wear your hat anywhere and not get chastised for it. What a great time.

'Mom smiled at him. Dad smiled back. With that, the meal began.
Mom smiled at me and then looked at Dad.' - perhaps a variation of 'smile' would go well here. Beamed or grinned perhaps?

'My mom stifled a giggle. "Now, come on, you two. Eat." We did so' - my mother would have freakin destroyed me. This mum in your story is cool as a refrigerated cucumber.

'"That's not true!" I said.
"Don't you raise your voice at me!" Dad roared.' - the roar's great, not so sure about the said. Seems a little tame for what looks to be an exclamation.

'"Go away!" I whispered back' - again, just seems a little odd that there's an exclamation mark right before 'whispered'. Maybe, '"Go away!" I hissed back in a hushed tone' or something along those lines. I don't know, maybe it's just me that it bothers.

Ah, so Night Gallery is more of a monster show, judging by the sketches. I guess a google search would have cleared that up for me. I'm lazy though.

'I didn't know they printed stories on the centerfolds' - I do like that line.

And...damn. No more chapters. And judging by the age of this story I'm not thinking there will be any more. That's a shame. I want to see this femmed up gent take on the boxing ring. Oh well, cheers for the read.
10/16/2011 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
An interesting start. You do a good job of showing the family dynamics, and the way they interact with each other. Some of it, I think you could change slightly to help it feel a bit more natural. Rather than 'My mom's voice' at the start, you could drop the 'my' so it just reads 'Mom's voice...' With the bit about the hat, you use 'said' quite a lot, consider changing some of it for other words. also, you may want to watch out for sentence structures being too repetitive; a lot of the sentences seem to start with either I or a name. One last thing (very minor); 'Mom' and 'Dad' should be capitalised unless its 'my mom', etc. Keep it up!

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