for Wolf6/11/2013 c10 b-jacinda-w
Please please please update! I love the story and I really want to know what's gonna happen!
Please please please update! I love the story and I really want to know what's gonna happen!
4/5/2013 c10 Ferz
I hope you'll update sometime, your story is really great !
I hope you'll update sometime, your story is really great !
3/6/2013 c10 Guest
I AM BEGGING YOU! KEEP WRITING! DON'T STOP!
I AM BEGGING YOU! KEEP WRITING! DON'T STOP!
2/19/2013 c10 Saphireanime
i am really enjoying this story, there are lots of loose ends, please continue it
i am really enjoying this story, there are lots of loose ends, please continue it
1/29/2013 c10 Guest
Ten chapters and they STILL haven't met face-to-face ._.
Ten chapters and they STILL haven't met face-to-face ._.
12/16/2012 c7 
19Anihyr Moonstar
The description of their previous traditions - the torture methods in particular - were suitfiably horrifying and gruesome. I had to shudder and squint trying to read them (I don't handle violence well), but you did a good job making them terrifying sounding and it's great that Tarun has brought about massive changes for his pack.
I also love Drummond more this chapter. Big guys with even bigger hearts are right up my ally and the fact that he loves babies is just adorable. I hope he and Zephyr do end up together, I think they'd made a precious couple. :)
- Moonstar, courtesy of the review game's review marathon (link in my profile)
19Anihyr MoonstarThe description of their previous traditions - the torture methods in particular - were suitfiably horrifying and gruesome. I had to shudder and squint trying to read them (I don't handle violence well), but you did a good job making them terrifying sounding and it's great that Tarun has brought about massive changes for his pack.
I also love Drummond more this chapter. Big guys with even bigger hearts are right up my ally and the fact that he loves babies is just adorable. I hope he and Zephyr do end up together, I think they'd made a precious couple. :)
- Moonstar, courtesy of the review game's review marathon (link in my profile)
12/16/2012 c6 Anihyr Moonstar
Ahahah, Zephyr and Soren's interactions were hilareous. XD I don't see exactly how they advance the PLOT, but hey - at least they were funny. Especially the mental images that came with Zephyr's descriptions of Drummond, mmmm. Deliciou- I mean, uh, awesome. ;)
I will say, I had almost forgotten that Camlo was supposed to be in heat. That feels like something that should have been re-emphasized more often in the middle bits, since when I read over the first part I was like "ohhhhh, yeah...forgot about that..." and an important plot factor like that shouldn't be left out for so many chapters.
I do think it's clever though that you bring up deathchoke effecting his hormonal cycle. If/when you edit I would try to incorporate hints about that into the earlier chapters - Camlo wondering why he felt different, why he wasn't experiencing his heat as he ought to be, and whatever other details you think might be relevant. I think it's a good plot point to play with.
- Moonstar
Ahahah, Zephyr and Soren's interactions were hilareous. XD I don't see exactly how they advance the PLOT, but hey - at least they were funny. Especially the mental images that came with Zephyr's descriptions of Drummond, mmmm. Deliciou- I mean, uh, awesome. ;)
I will say, I had almost forgotten that Camlo was supposed to be in heat. That feels like something that should have been re-emphasized more often in the middle bits, since when I read over the first part I was like "ohhhhh, yeah...forgot about that..." and an important plot factor like that shouldn't be left out for so many chapters.
I do think it's clever though that you bring up deathchoke effecting his hormonal cycle. If/when you edit I would try to incorporate hints about that into the earlier chapters - Camlo wondering why he felt different, why he wasn't experiencing his heat as he ought to be, and whatever other details you think might be relevant. I think it's a good plot point to play with.
- Moonstar
12/16/2012 c5 Anihyr Moonstar
I like that Tarun is resolved to wait for Camlo and give him time. So far Tarun is my favorite character I think - intelligent, determined, on top of things, and kind at his core. That he's willing to wait when his team is getting worn down is an important indicator into who he is, too.
I feel like the page breaks of "Night", "Early Morning", "Morning" etc. are a little jarring. Ideally, you want to make the story flow so that you have as few breaks as possible. Each cut up is a point where you knock your reader a little out of the story.
I like the name "deathchoke" for those berries Camlo injested. It feels like a very apt, ominous name and it's cool to learn at least a tidbit more about them. I think little details about a fantasy world - like the plants and strange animals, cultures, gods, customs, etc. - all add a little bit of depth and reality to a story if applied correctly, so it's cool to get information like that about this world.
I'm kind of wondering why you keep switching back into snippets about Sarffa. As far as I can tell she has already served her purpose in the story. (At least, I'm personally tired of reading about her and she doesn't SEEM to be advancing the plot anymore.) If you do have a plan for her to be important again somehow, I'd recommend at least condensing her sections to the important bits. Since we already know she's horrible, you definitely don't have to include things just to keep reinfocing that sense (we know), so I would stick to exactly what advances the plot and leave it at that.
Honestly, I'm most interested in seeing Camlo and Tarun interact, and most of the rest of it feels like "extra" that doesn't strictly need to be there. But that's for you to decide. :)
- Moonstar
I like that Tarun is resolved to wait for Camlo and give him time. So far Tarun is my favorite character I think - intelligent, determined, on top of things, and kind at his core. That he's willing to wait when his team is getting worn down is an important indicator into who he is, too.
I feel like the page breaks of "Night", "Early Morning", "Morning" etc. are a little jarring. Ideally, you want to make the story flow so that you have as few breaks as possible. Each cut up is a point where you knock your reader a little out of the story.
I like the name "deathchoke" for those berries Camlo injested. It feels like a very apt, ominous name and it's cool to learn at least a tidbit more about them. I think little details about a fantasy world - like the plants and strange animals, cultures, gods, customs, etc. - all add a little bit of depth and reality to a story if applied correctly, so it's cool to get information like that about this world.
I'm kind of wondering why you keep switching back into snippets about Sarffa. As far as I can tell she has already served her purpose in the story. (At least, I'm personally tired of reading about her and she doesn't SEEM to be advancing the plot anymore.) If you do have a plan for her to be important again somehow, I'd recommend at least condensing her sections to the important bits. Since we already know she's horrible, you definitely don't have to include things just to keep reinfocing that sense (we know), so I would stick to exactly what advances the plot and leave it at that.
Honestly, I'm most interested in seeing Camlo and Tarun interact, and most of the rest of it feels like "extra" that doesn't strictly need to be there. But that's for you to decide. :)
- Moonstar
12/14/2012 c4 Anihyr Moonstar
I think you do a good job with the description this chapter, working plenty of details in there. The interaction from the female creature's perspective with Camlo felt especially...realistic, I suppose? Very driven by instinct and protective.
I feel like the pacing of this chapter was pretty slow, though. I kept wondering when something was going to 'happen' - Tarun to break through the woods and rescue him, something to jump out and attack him, etc. - and I think, if you feel that this chapter is crucial to the plot, that maybe in the re-write you could condense it some.
I like to remind myself as I write that every sentence written is a sentence where you could (potentially) lose your reader's interest, so try to make the most of every single word and not have any details that don't add something crucial to the story. Hope that makes sense; maybe it will help you, too. :)
- Moonstar
I think you do a good job with the description this chapter, working plenty of details in there. The interaction from the female creature's perspective with Camlo felt especially...realistic, I suppose? Very driven by instinct and protective.
I feel like the pacing of this chapter was pretty slow, though. I kept wondering when something was going to 'happen' - Tarun to break through the woods and rescue him, something to jump out and attack him, etc. - and I think, if you feel that this chapter is crucial to the plot, that maybe in the re-write you could condense it some.
I like to remind myself as I write that every sentence written is a sentence where you could (potentially) lose your reader's interest, so try to make the most of every single word and not have any details that don't add something crucial to the story. Hope that makes sense; maybe it will help you, too. :)
- Moonstar
12/14/2012 c3 Anihyr Moonstar
I like that Tarun is showing himself to be an honorable and protective character. Personally I can't stand violent semes (who rape their ukes and later somehow manage to convince them it's "love" - gag me with a spoon). So, yes, it's great that Tarun's a good guy; Camlo will need it. :)
The little flashback where he thinks of Camlo serving him at dinner and thinks even then that Camlo needs protection from his mother is great insight on his part. I feel like that shows he must be intelligent and observant seeing as Camlo's father *lived* there and still managed not to notice.
[He might freeze or starve or- his eyes widened minutely.
What if he got hurt?] This feels a little strange, order wise. Aren't freezing or starving to death worse than just getting injured? Since, you know, being injured doesn't necessarily result in death?
[Roger, gather Kleid, Drummond, and Rhys.] This is another one of those instances where the one name feels odd in the bunch. "Roger" is a modern name, but the rest, again, feel like fantasy names. [Gilroy, Zephyr, Ander, and Soren] More good, solid fantasy names. I would consider re-naming the characters who have ordinary names that don't fit.
I think everything to do with Sarffa is just too much for me. She's so intensely psychotic I just...yuck. *shudders*
- Moonstar
I like that Tarun is showing himself to be an honorable and protective character. Personally I can't stand violent semes (who rape their ukes and later somehow manage to convince them it's "love" - gag me with a spoon). So, yes, it's great that Tarun's a good guy; Camlo will need it. :)
The little flashback where he thinks of Camlo serving him at dinner and thinks even then that Camlo needs protection from his mother is great insight on his part. I feel like that shows he must be intelligent and observant seeing as Camlo's father *lived* there and still managed not to notice.
[He might freeze or starve or- his eyes widened minutely.
What if he got hurt?] This feels a little strange, order wise. Aren't freezing or starving to death worse than just getting injured? Since, you know, being injured doesn't necessarily result in death?
[Roger, gather Kleid, Drummond, and Rhys.] This is another one of those instances where the one name feels odd in the bunch. "Roger" is a modern name, but the rest, again, feel like fantasy names. [Gilroy, Zephyr, Ander, and Soren] More good, solid fantasy names. I would consider re-naming the characters who have ordinary names that don't fit.
I think everything to do with Sarffa is just too much for me. She's so intensely psychotic I just...yuck. *shudders*
- Moonstar
12/14/2012 c2 Anihyr Moonstar
Ah, you're opening with the character waking up again. ;) Might want to watch that. I know it's very easy to do, but there are an infinite number of other ways to open chapters. Always be brave and experiment! It's the key to making your stories stand out.
In the section where he's puking, I would just say that: he's puking. As it is, it's quite confusing with all the euphemisms. At first I thought he had to pee (or possibly masturbate), and then after I figured out what you meant, I was confused as to why you didn't just say it. It's not violently objectionable to mention that a character feels like they have to throw up. Don't be afraid to offend your readers, either though. Sometimes things just gotta be said straight. ;)
I'm also surprised that he had eaten those berries so carelessly the night before. The fact that he went out in search of herbs and mushrooms for his mother earlier suggests that he should know these woods, and even if he doesn't know the woods most people are intelligent enough to avoid eating berries at random no matter how hungry they are since so many of them have the potential to be deadly poisonous. He's lucky he only puked and didn't keel over dead.
I like that you go into more detail about Sarffa's experience and why she is so cruel to Camlo. It still doesn't feel natural to me (mostly the extreme degree to which she hates him and the ways she goes about it), but it's good that there's some reasoning behind it and background. Background's good for giving a story depth and credibility.
Sarffa's wild flip-flops in behavior also throw me off, though. First she's pretending to sob, and then suddenly she's revealing herself totally to her mate about how much she hates Camlo? The dialogue doesn't feel real there. It's just too sudden.
I'm glad Eric finally got rid of her, though I feel hard pressed to feel sorry for him. On the one hand, I'm happy that he's feeling remorse, but on the other I feel like bludgeoning him upside the head for being so absolutely blind all this time. I feel like Sarffa is insane and a terrible actor; Eric should have seen through her ages ago.
Two random oddities: They're werewolves...why does she have a fur coat? That seems odd to me somehow. And second, Camlo and Sarffa are both fictional names, but Eric is a totally 'normal' name, so it feels strange in context.
- Moonstar
Ah, you're opening with the character waking up again. ;) Might want to watch that. I know it's very easy to do, but there are an infinite number of other ways to open chapters. Always be brave and experiment! It's the key to making your stories stand out.
In the section where he's puking, I would just say that: he's puking. As it is, it's quite confusing with all the euphemisms. At first I thought he had to pee (or possibly masturbate), and then after I figured out what you meant, I was confused as to why you didn't just say it. It's not violently objectionable to mention that a character feels like they have to throw up. Don't be afraid to offend your readers, either though. Sometimes things just gotta be said straight. ;)
I'm also surprised that he had eaten those berries so carelessly the night before. The fact that he went out in search of herbs and mushrooms for his mother earlier suggests that he should know these woods, and even if he doesn't know the woods most people are intelligent enough to avoid eating berries at random no matter how hungry they are since so many of them have the potential to be deadly poisonous. He's lucky he only puked and didn't keel over dead.
I like that you go into more detail about Sarffa's experience and why she is so cruel to Camlo. It still doesn't feel natural to me (mostly the extreme degree to which she hates him and the ways she goes about it), but it's good that there's some reasoning behind it and background. Background's good for giving a story depth and credibility.
Sarffa's wild flip-flops in behavior also throw me off, though. First she's pretending to sob, and then suddenly she's revealing herself totally to her mate about how much she hates Camlo? The dialogue doesn't feel real there. It's just too sudden.
I'm glad Eric finally got rid of her, though I feel hard pressed to feel sorry for him. On the one hand, I'm happy that he's feeling remorse, but on the other I feel like bludgeoning him upside the head for being so absolutely blind all this time. I feel like Sarffa is insane and a terrible actor; Eric should have seen through her ages ago.
Two random oddities: They're werewolves...why does she have a fur coat? That seems odd to me somehow. And second, Camlo and Sarffa are both fictional names, but Eric is a totally 'normal' name, so it feels strange in context.
- Moonstar