Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Wolf

12/14/2012 c1 19Anihyr Moonstar
This is a fairly common premise - I couldn't count how many wolf/mating slash stories there are out there - but it is obviously a popular one, and there's nothing wrong with that in and of itself. Anything can be a good read if it's presented well.

Since you asked for critique, though, I will offer some things to think about; take them or leave them as you please. :)

First, opening any chapter/story with the character waking up is a very common technique. As I said before, that is not -necessarily- bad, but it can be dull since it doesn't set any one story apart from the others. The opening sentence (and paragraph to follow) is your golden opportunity - you'll either snare, or lose, a good portion of your audience right there - so it's always a good idea to try to make your mark there as creatively as you can. Show the reader why your story is interesting and make an impression for yourself.

I think you do a good job of immediately making Camlo's mother detestable. Personally, it irks me since slash stories have a bad reputation for portraying female characters in negative, diminished roles, but she does stand out. It makes me instantly wonder what Camlo could have done to earn her contempt, and also makes me instantly disapprove of Camlo's father for not being quicker on the uptake and defending him more. This strikes me as the sort of emotional parental abuse that's been going on for a while and is not an isolated incident at this one sitting.

You have some grammatical issues as far as dialogue tags are concerned, as well as pronoun confusion (ambiguity) in some sections. Here:

["Not hungry today?" His father asked. He shook his head 'no'. He chuckled, "Nervous for tomorrow?] Since 'his father asked' is a dialogue tag, the 'h' should be lower cased. After that, you say "he shook his head" and then "he chuckled" - I can figure out who's who by thinking about it, but reading it, it is vague since there are no distinctions there about who the 'he' is. I would switch it to "Camlo shook his head" and "His father chuckled" for clarity, especially since they're all right there in the same paragraph.

Also, always remember to cut to a new paragraph whenever you start a line of dialogue with a different speaker. Here:

["Yes ma'am," he said. He got dressed and got a basket to hold the mushrooms and herbs in. As he was walking out the door his mother called out to him. "Oh, and I need enough of the herb to fill this jam jar to the top when dried. And don't come back until you've finished."]

Split to a new paragraph with the mother's dialogue. Same thing here:

["Mother, I have brought the mushrooms and herb," he said to her. He placed the basket with the items in it on the counter. She slapped him. "Don't put that filthy thing on the counter. Put it outside in the shed until I can do something with it."]

[He quickly took off his boot] I believe you mean "boots"

[You'll be raped for the rest of your days and pop out cubs for him," she cackled with glee.] This mother seems impossibly horrible. How could a mother be like that? I realize that some mothers are abusive, but in this context it feels too harsh and too sudden. I can't make myself believe in this character because she seems too cruel, and you might want to watch that. If a character seems too over the top so that a reader can't picture them existing, it will jar them out of the story.

I'm also not a big fan of how absolutely roll-over-on-his-back-and-take-the-beating Camlo is. I realize different people come with different personalities and since he is a designated submissive, apparently, it makes sense that he wouldn't be particularly pushy. On the other hand, it doesn't give him much character either - it feels like the events are just pushing him around and he's a sheet of paper caught up in the midst of it, blowing wherever the wind pushes, so to speak. Since he's the protagonist, I (as the reader) want to see him do and say things that give me a strong impression of who he is and why I should root for him.

If you ever do a massive rewrite, I might suggest trying to ask yourself some big questions about Camlo. What does he care about most in the world? If he could choose his entire fate for himself, what kind of a life would he want to live? What kinds of characteristics does he value most in another person - what kinds of things does he hate? Etc. Try to get into his head and build him up; he'll be more alive to both you and the readers.

Sorry, this is an intensely long review, but I hope you find it helpful. I don't mean for it to be bashing in any way, just some things to think about, and obviously you can ignore it if you like. Good luck!

- Moonstar, from the Review Game’s Review Marathon (Link in my Profile)
11/16/2012 c1 Triell
W-wait. Some of the reviews say chapter 11.
Where is it? I can't see a chapter 11...
10/19/2012 c10 fuyublue
ahhh more plez
10/19/2012 c11 laurenswolf
I don't get it. The first few chapters of this fic were amazing, the last few have been boring, choppy, useless and they don't make sense. Is tarun dead or not?
10/19/2012 c11 Jin
NNNOOOOOOOOO!
10/19/2012 c11 marginal-utility
:/
10/19/2012 c11 1SightUnseen
The End?! What do you mean the end? Tarun can't be dead! You said there'd me mepreg and yaoi.
10/19/2012 c11 1BrokenSongbird
I'm sorry to be frank but that was extremely disappointing I really had high hopes for this.
Please consider one day fixing it because the ending chapter can't even be called an ending chapter. I really don't want to sound like a Nasty witch but you'd have been better putting it on hiatus if you weren't sure
8/28/2012 c2 Guest
I like this story, but why is your icon of a giant cockroach?
8/18/2012 c10 Guest
I am LOVING this story!
I need to know what will happen when Camlo discovers who that strange wolf is. :)
And what about Zephyr and Drummond?
Please update soon! I must know!
6/28/2012 c10 14Amber Panda
NOOO, DON'T QUIT! What happens next?
6/28/2012 c9 Amber Panda
I liked the discription of the cubs. The only thing i wonder about is what breed of cat they are, othe than that, it was good. I liked how you bounced between the characters to let the readers know who's doing what at the exact same time. You pulled that off very well and it's not exactly an easy thing to do. As for the cliffhanger, I think that it was a great spot to end the chapter. It makes the reader want to read more. Which i will. :)
6/7/2012 c10 1Kat O' Donovan
please updated!
6/6/2012 c10 1SmileyfaceGurl
UPDATE!
5/29/2012 c10 1Wings of Beauty
Update! Please! This is a great story! I love it! UPDATE!
162 « Prev Page 1 .. 2 3 4 5 6 7 .. Last Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service