for Descent and Desire9/28/2011 c1 Mr. Froid
Well that was interesting :) I really did get a sense of the emotion this widow was feeling. There is a good sense of dispair (haha).
But, I have some criticisms.
"Her husband's death has birthed in her great superstition and paranoia." I don't think this line is necessary at all. You show this paranoia in the next bit; that first sentence is just redundant and clunky.
"A black veil shields the widow's shifty eyes from the prying ones of the outside world." I think this as an opening line is weak. I think it's cause you use "shifty" and "Prying" so close together. The sentence becomes clunky and kind of feels rushed, in a sense.
"Now her identity feels more lost than ever. No divine spirits are present to wisk him away. No ghosts rise to welcome him to his new resting place. Nothing spectacular happens in this graveyard now." *Whisk. This is a brilliant line, I think :P It encapsulated the loneliness and isolation.
Good stuff, curious as to where this goes :)
Well that was interesting :) I really did get a sense of the emotion this widow was feeling. There is a good sense of dispair (haha).
But, I have some criticisms.
"Her husband's death has birthed in her great superstition and paranoia." I don't think this line is necessary at all. You show this paranoia in the next bit; that first sentence is just redundant and clunky.
"A black veil shields the widow's shifty eyes from the prying ones of the outside world." I think this as an opening line is weak. I think it's cause you use "shifty" and "Prying" so close together. The sentence becomes clunky and kind of feels rushed, in a sense.
"Now her identity feels more lost than ever. No divine spirits are present to wisk him away. No ghosts rise to welcome him to his new resting place. Nothing spectacular happens in this graveyard now." *Whisk. This is a brilliant line, I think :P It encapsulated the loneliness and isolation.
Good stuff, curious as to where this goes :)