Just In
for The Ideas of a Girl who Wished to Disappear

2/11/2012 c1 Cerobi
I laughed at the idea for this story. I honestly didn't know what to expect from a girl who wanted to disappear and was talented at wishing for it. The second paragraph provided more clarity and I found myself instantly able to relate. The exaggerated aspect of it extended the humor.

I was kind of confused at the end, though. How did she disappear? Did she explode? Become invisible? Run away? It was a little ambiguous.

Otherwise, the story was quite amusing~~

Happy writing!

10/27/2011 c1 5fox-mask
This is a wonderful story. To sum it up: It's witty, it's entertaining, and it kept me hooked until the end.

It's got a great pace. You don't go too fast or too slow, you keep the reader engaged while still describing the story in perfect detail. I would suggest, however, that you clarify some things, like why she wants to disappear, or maybe supply a humorous explanation for how she disappeared. It was a little too abrupt, saying she up and left. Maybe something along the lines of, "And that night, she decided to exist no longer and willed herself out of existence. Pop!" Something like that would be nice, instead of just saying she disappeared. You've got some good sense of humor building up here, and it would be a shame to waste it.

Also, clarify more about how she's supposed to be advertising products (Or so I believe) in the story. It's not too clear and it causes me to pause and question, which is something you don't want a reader to do. I like how you kept the reader unattached to the protagonist, because with a short story like this, you don't have time to develop the character. If you try to, it ends up being idea-vomit.

Hopefully this was a little helpful. Great story, I enjoyed it!
9/29/2011 c1 VeryLovely
Clever idea, and an idea that can resonate with many people. I like your descriptions too. Good job.


P.S. Would you mind reviewing my story? I love getting feedback.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service