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4/8/2012 c1 reallyboredrightnow
Great jog mtorchic! I look forward to more of this!
1/27/2012 c5 1Ithinkilikecheese
Ok you are a great rider. I read ur other story tunnel, they are the same characters but not in the same world, right? Anyway really good
1/14/2012 c4 1Serenity's Human

I like the idea of the boy, Pierre but wasn't to happy to see him quikly turn out to be out against her.

Maybe Edit/Remove:

I'd like to see a bit more. Perhaps why she didn't move right away? Why she didn't attack him when it was clear he was going to call the rest. Or perhaps even him being unsure at first, before doing his 'duty'.


Overall it's another chase, I think there should had been a bit more to why he let's her run away. Perhaps he gets ahead of them first they speak or something and then the Group starts to come over or he realizes just who he's talking... I'm not fully sure I just wish there was more to it.
1/14/2012 c3 Serenity's Human

Over all it was a nice simple chapter. I think it sort of hints though that she's pretty good with a bow and arrow if the target isn't moving about to much.

Maybe Edit/Remove:

The only thing I can think about changing would be to perhaps change the 'food' section towards the morning. I would think it would be harder to notice a fire during the daylight time than during the night time. I may be wrong about that though.

Areas a Bit Confused:

Did Ruth also work on hiding her tracks? Otherwise she seems like she'll be found rather quickly.

Also did she walk in the stream or just outside of it?


It moves nicely along the pace given us an idea that her life isn't all about fighting but simply survival.
1/14/2012 c2 Serenity's Human

Love how this chapter opens. Really gives you a real feel that it's a run for ones life. I also love the flashback. Brings a lot more information into the story.

Areas a Bit Confused:

"This earns me a painful kick to the head. My vision blurs and my head throbs." - Was she being forced on her knees? I was under the impression that she was standing in front of him, or did he jump and kick her in the head?


I am a bit confused with Dai, simply because it sounded like this is a remake of the world that was once lived in. A person who became a god sort of thing?

I am happy to see we have a bit more about what she looks like as well as her age. Also we get a bit more information about why she ran.
1/14/2012 c1 Serenity's Human
Like how you were able to get a fight in this. I happen to be rather bad at fighting when it comes to writing but this wasn't to bad at all. Almost seemed Ninja like.

Minor Grammar Errors but heck even I have those.

Maybe Edit/Remove:

"For as far I can seen, there is nothing but trees, and that gives me no hope of escape." To maybe - "For as far as I can see, there is nothing but trees. Giving me no hope of escape."

Areas a Bit Confused:

"I pull out my own knife and shove her away." Why didn't he just stab her at this point?

"I'm small for my age, though I've still managed to survive on the run for eight years" What's her age? Why was she on the run?

Overall: I am left wondering why Adriene wants Ruth gone/dead. Why Ruth was on the run in the first place.
1/13/2012 c4 3SweetPeatheWingedSinger16

I love this story. It's on my favorites list now.

I'm begging you, update soon.

Please read my story.
1/8/2012 c2 2Whitefire19
You've obsiously read the Hunger Games, but this is even better. Masterful job. But, you should have her cut the guard's throat instead of stabbing him. Stabbing him will make hism scream. Cutting his throat would prevent it.
1/7/2012 c1 Whitefire19
Best. Story. Ever! I never thought there was a way to have action all the time, never a dull moment, but somehow you pulled it off. You're an amazing writer and this is only the first chapter. This is going straight to my favorites.
10/14/2011 c4 5ContegoStella
Oh my gosh! What a cliffhanger! I really can't wait until the next chapter!

10/14/2011 c4 1Gentle
I liked that, now I want to know who's pointing a sword at her.
10/11/2011 c3 2Sarthim
All right, the logic and reason behind the conflict has been established by this point. I also have a better idea of what your main character looks like. Some things are still confusing however:

The background on where Ruth and her mother are at during the time of Dai's arrival. If they are resisting Dai, maybe a good deal of the world's plight before Dai's arrival should come into view. It seems there is already a schism between those who serve her and those who don't...more history of this world in times past maybe?

Also, perhaps the transitions when going from one scene to the next might be a little better. Maybe add more description in to signal to the reader a scene is about to shift. I used to use markings but this website got rid of them and now I'm having to go back and seperate them somehow again but in a different way. I don't know what to use but some sort of indicator would be nice.

Also, good job with worldbuilding and establishing motivation. Hope to see more in future chapters.
10/8/2011 c1 3Jakuho Raikoben
This is an interesting way to start a story,it's exciting instead of the usual introduction. So far, I like Adriene's character, it shows that there's going to be a lot of action. Good Job.
10/8/2011 c3 1Gentle
That was good, I enjoyed it as much, if not more, than the last two chapters. I don't have anything else to say other than update again. I'll be waiting to read more about Ruth.
10/8/2011 c3 5ContegoStella
Now that Ruth is all clean, the real business starts, huh?

Anyways, I liked the description you used in this chapter. Sure, there isn't any action, but it is just as important. This puts Ruth in a new light of forced survival of sorts.

I also like the ending of this chapter. Really bone chilling.

Nice job and keep up the great work on the story!
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