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10/5/2011 c2 5ContegoStella
The plot is still going strong. Makes me wonder why she was to be captured.

Well, of course the game is tag, but I really wonder why.

I also wonder if Ruth will be trekking through this story her own if she gains some sort of help (temporarily or permanent).

I also... ALSO... wonder what the reward is from this game of sorts.

But so far... I'm liking every bit of this story. Keep up the fantastic work!
10/4/2011 c1 2Sarthim
There's nothing wrong with opening in the middle of an action scene. In fact, a good opening hook is recommended which is what this chapter definitely provides. However, there are just a few things I wanted to point out/suggest. With a little tweaking, you could have something really good.

(On a brief unrelated note, welcome to this website. May your many hours of writing and posting be fruitful).

Anyway, on to the story. One thing that I did noticed is that there is not much given way to physical description aside from Adriene's green eyes and canine teeth. Funnily enough, your characters' personalities shine pretty well through their dialogue and actions, considering the scene and situation they are in. So well done with that. However, I might recommend adding in physical characteristics so I know who looks like what when they are fighting.

Also, I would recommend lengthening the chapter a bit before a cliffhanger. There's nothing wrong with cutting straight to conflict but the reader needs some ground to stand on when trying to figure out what's going on.

One other thing: this fight takes place in a forest but I don't really know where or when this is taking place. Maybe adding in descriptions of the setting/surrounding will do well for this first chapter.

Overall, what you have is good, my opinion is that it just needs lengthened and/or fleshed out a bit more. At the beginning you say you've been working on this story a while and I don't doubt you; you probably have big things planned for the plot and everything.

Don't get me wrong, it's a good start but perhaps the next chapter can do more with explanation and back-story. Again, these are just considerations or thoughts I sometimes take into worldbuilding, especially in fantasy stories.

Looking forward to the next chapter.
10/4/2011 c2 1Gentle
It's certinly intresting, that's for sure. The story certainly has potential and you've kept it intresting. I though Ruth's escape could have been drawn out a little more. Maybe the guard could have woken up and she'd had to have knocked him out out, just to lengthen it. Other than that I'm loving the story.

Keep up the good work.
10/1/2011 c1 18Open your eyes Chopstick
okay, so hey :) because of how our conversation was going in the forum, I thought I'll focus on that in the story for you.

so this wasnt bad. It started with action, having the readers get right into the storyline. Good, cuz i would rather have that than a beginning that drags and bore me. Plus, starting with action means that there's no "fillers" in the beginning where it could confuse the reader on what exactly is important to know/remember.

You also did a good job with having the readers question things. It makes one want to read the next chapter so those questions could be answered. Like, why are they fighting? How do they know each other? Who is this God? Ect. These are things we expect you to answer in the next chapter...or 2 0r 3 (no more than that). Especially since these are the simpilar questions. which leads me to...

Those questions i mentioned above? needs to be answered right away, otherwise it would make the reader distrust the author in not answering anything. In which case, you still need to have the simple questions being asked throughout the novel and answered the next chapter, kinda pulling the reader through the book.

But you seem to be missing the Big Q. what's the Big Q? The Big Q is the "Big question," which is pretty much the huge question that needs to be answered, but it encompass the whole novel. For example, Naruto Big Q is "will Naruto be the best ninja ever?" There's mini questions along the way, but from the first chapter, we wonder the Big Q and we dont find out until the end.

You also seem to not be using the first person narrative to its fullest. This sort of reads like a movie - which isnt bad but you have to remember that there is a difference between a novel and a movie. A movie has flat out "this is what happens and then this happens." With a novel, especially in first person, we need to connect to the narrative. From reading this first chapter, I dont see why i should care about the MC. Oh sure, she's in a fight...but that's not enough to make me sypethetic and to root for her. I don't know who she is - which is strange especially since it's in first person where we SHOULD know the character. a lot. we're in her skin, so to speak. sure, we dont need to know EVERYTHING about her in the first chapter, but we should know enough about her (like how she feels when she sees her enemy, what she thinks about, how she views her situation ect) that we would stick with her throughout.

For example, in my story Cecilia. It's action. But if all i said was that there was a girl stuck in a closet and the whole place is on fire...well that's sad but probably not enough to make one feel too sympethetic (darn stuff happens in novels. nothing amazing about it anymore). BUT I added WHO the girl was by showing her weakness, what she was thinking, how vulnerable she was, her childishness, ect. That pulls a reader in by getting them too cheer and worry about the MC.

i like your writing style though. It's very clear and to the point, which is great. It makes reading enjoyable and easy.

good luck with this! hoped i helped. :)
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