Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Deluge

10/29/2011 c1 J.Szewczuk
I really enjoyed this story. It takes place in a part of the world most people never see and never think about, but this forced us to think about Jakarta and the Untouchables.

I also like the girl's reaction to the flood at the end. She wanted to stay with him, but then she is horrified to realize she can't go home. It almost makes me wonder, did she stay in order to get back at her father for something?
10/15/2011 c1 Sylline
I like how the "Deluge" is two things - his rush of emotions and the flood coinciding. The two really came together nicely.

I also like how he constantly reminded the readers that they could never truly be together because he is an untouchable. The way he kept thinking it could never be reminded me of the thoughts of a person obsessing over something important.
10/9/2011 c1 cerebral1
What a beautiful, layered work of art. The descriptions of Jakarta, of the main characters, and their thoughts are all vividly drawn.

"His mind is filled to the brim with her." Oooom I like!

"...he's a rickety one at the base while she towers there far above him." So, so... rich! The imagery of their class differences couldn't be better said.

"Bare skin the only equalizer." Ain't that the truth!

I could go on and on. Just know this: I find this one of the best entries this month. Great job!
10/8/2011 c1 16Dragon made me do it
He he, love your first line! so true. I had read that Jakarta was actually supposed to be based on Amsterdam or some other Dutch city, did they really not think that it might not work in the tropics? it's so sad at the way the poor suffer so much more from natural and unnatural disasters in Third World countries. you depict this very well, and dare I say beautifully?

I enjoyed your use of metaphors in this story - the pyramid as a social hierarchy, and perhaps also as a ramshackle kampung under threat from the flood.

The grimy flood metaphor for desire tinged with the disgusting aftertaste of the fact that it can never be it is a great idea and well executed here!

I also liked this one: 'She's a map of nectar and honey. A map that wants to be followed. Soft, warm and not for him.'

It is sad to think that in this day and age, social class is still such a powerful force to separate people, but it is. You do a good job of identifying these markers of class, the holes in the uniform, the father's car, and you set the juxtaposition of this relationship up well by having him be her chauffeur.

You also nuanced this well with: 'His poverty, the pathetic kind that falls just short of provoking sympathy but is enough to keep him firmly on his knees with his neck bent and his hand perpetually stretched out asking for alms.' this makes it a bit more realistic, but also makes us realise that poverty is not just about starvation and wretchedness, but also a lack of choices and human dignity.

Spelling/grammar/punctuation:

'She dials them one after another as if she's afraid what will happen' - change to 'afraid of what'?

'saloon primped hairstyle'- this should be salon

Once again, you have produced a story that flows like the deluge you could portray in your story (only a little less grimy ;-)), and yet is still densely layered with all kinds of meaning. This is a difficult combination to produce. Another standout piece from you :-)
10/7/2011 c1 18Stephanie M. Moore
I like how you do not automatically reveal that he is a driver. There are enough clues laid out that the reader (me, at least) felt a sort of sense of accomplishment for getting it right. Apparently, I am very easy to please.

The first section is lovely, the images you use to contrast their classes, like the pyramid and the importance of the front/back seat. And I think the line about bare skin really concludes that section very well, especially following the comments about the quality of his clothes.

And you continue to highlight those differences during the love scene in the second section. Infatuations don't usually end well, and the entire scene is colored by the sort of doubting agony that plagues him. It's a very effective tool, and I suppose I'm trying to tell you that it worked here.

From the last section, my favorite part is the mention of the car. It's her escape, perhaps even the last symbol of her wealth. In a way, you could almost see as a metaphor for what would happen if her father discovered she had an affair with her driver- potentially losing her inheritance. So yes, I liked that.

Another good piece this month. Best of luck!
10/7/2011 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
I really like your different views in all your stories and how you address the varying aspects of love, most of the time when its forbidden due to the situation. Here we see a man that loves a woman who's completely out of his league (in terms of their society, anyway). I can only imagine what that feels like, being forced to chauffeur her every day and look at her, while also being forced to hide his feelings. I can really see how much it effects him by the attention he pays her, even when knowing he shouldn't be. At first I thought it was an infatuation that wasn't being returned, but I was pleasantly mistaken when she told him she didn't want to go home yet. Her avoiding his stare suddenly makes more sense - she may be ashamed of herself by going against something she knows isn't right, or maybe it's fear that someone will find them out.

I really enjoyed the scene of them in the hotel room. I think you did a great job portraying the emotions, the desperation, and how he can't turn her down when she starts kissing him. Iliyas talking about how she looks without her 'expensive clothes' on anymore was very beautiful, and it shows he loves her for who she is and not her money.

I really like seeing a woman pressure a male into sex, because it's normally the other way around and I think this put a nice twist on things. I feel terrible for Iliyas, knowing how he feels and that he can't pursue it any further than these forays. His pain in not wanting to do this is clearly because it'll make the trench between them even deeper, and it'll make it more difficult for him to be around her without wanting to indulge in his desires. It makes me very thankful to live in a family that isn't held down by the chains of society or necessity.

I thought how you repeated some of the words in italics made the emotions in that section all the more powerful. And him mentioning that it might flood really foreshadowed the ending - I wonder what's going to happen to them now that they're trapped in that house. What will her father do if he sees her with Iliyas? Haha, I can only imagine, and what I imagine is most likely not very good!

I really enjoy your style - you have such a versatile vocabulary when it comes to creating metaphors and describing things. I also enjoy how the very beginning and the very end tie together and wrap things up. A very nice interpretation of the prompt, I liked this a lot.

Best of luck in the WCC! :)

I just had two nit-picky corrections/suggestions:

[him had she no lifted her eyes one day and met his in the rear-view mirror.]

Edit: No should be not.

[He's suddenly conscious of his trouser legs all of a sudden.]

Style: I suggest removing 'suddenly'.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service