for I'll let you10/12/2011 c1 silentnight
First off, the grammar in the first sentence is off. "Can you make me get a reaction?" This does not make sense. "Can you get a reaction out of me?" or 'Can you make me even try?" or something along those lines may work better.
Also "Cut so deep, that the blood seeps into my skin?" does not make sense literally, emotionally, or metaphorically.
"Breath away each passionate time." This sentence is unclear. Does it refer to breathing each "passionate" time? Referring to which passion exactly? Or does it mean something along the lines of breathing their life out leaving them dead. The sentence again, is unclear and does not make sense.
An anonymous Poet
First off, the grammar in the first sentence is off. "Can you make me get a reaction?" This does not make sense. "Can you get a reaction out of me?" or 'Can you make me even try?" or something along those lines may work better.
Also "Cut so deep, that the blood seeps into my skin?" does not make sense literally, emotionally, or metaphorically.
"Breath away each passionate time." This sentence is unclear. Does it refer to breathing each "passionate" time? Referring to which passion exactly? Or does it mean something along the lines of breathing their life out leaving them dead. The sentence again, is unclear and does not make sense.
An anonymous Poet
10/12/2011 c1 Karma Fairy
I'm sorry, but blood doesn't seep into the skin when you cut yourself, it seeps out. And maybe you could use another word for reaction, it gets kind of repeative. I wonder how can time be passionate? Last time I checked, time didn't really have a personality. Perhaps you should use something like precious, to make it seem like its something that you cherish. Also, Breath should be Breathe.
You should also use commas more; they are your friend.
"To you, and your dear, sad mind" is the correct way that sentence should have been.
You should have also put "And" in front of "Let you get a reaction out of me" to make it seem more formal and final. Good start to a writing career, I hope you write some more later.
Spreading Karma around the world,
Sincerely,
The Karma Fairy.
P.s, I apologize for any spelling mistakes I made during this review.
I'm sorry, but blood doesn't seep into the skin when you cut yourself, it seeps out. And maybe you could use another word for reaction, it gets kind of repeative. I wonder how can time be passionate? Last time I checked, time didn't really have a personality. Perhaps you should use something like precious, to make it seem like its something that you cherish. Also, Breath should be Breathe.
You should also use commas more; they are your friend.
"To you, and your dear, sad mind" is the correct way that sentence should have been.
You should have also put "And" in front of "Let you get a reaction out of me" to make it seem more formal and final. Good start to a writing career, I hope you write some more later.
Spreading Karma around the world,
Sincerely,
The Karma Fairy.
P.s, I apologize for any spelling mistakes I made during this review.
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