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for Goodbye

10/12/2011 c1 7drats
Okay first, corrections,

'He gives me a wink in turn and focus on the conversation again'

* either ...and refocuses on the conversation, or ... and then turns to focus..., well whatever, just that it doesnt make sense right now.

'It makes me want to grab him, snog him, hold him and never let him go.'

* 'snog him' makes it seem too seductive and slang for the moment, maybe just 'make love to him'? Your choice.

'Somehow we were contend with the way things were.'


'"Is this you trying to have a talk we've been avoiding for weeks now?"'

*to have THE talk, because its not just any talk.

'"No, you're not. Not yet. But I will make you sorry. I thought the weekend had driven home the fact that you are mind but obviously I didn't do a good enough job."'

* too aggressive maybe? If you put the 'I let my voice go from angry frustration to a husky, teasing whisper.'after the 'but i will make you sorry, it would be fine.

*And it's mine, not mind.

Okay, well, I really liked that. It was nice. And the way you wrote her thoughts and feelings and conveyed it through what she said and did was excellent. And how you didn't mention what was actually happening at the start, I seriously thought that she had an illness or something and was going to die soon.

Happy writing, drats.

P.S. please check out my story "what I wish", and review?

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