for Horses Made of Sticks11/5/2011 c4 
11UponAtlas
Oh poor Ryan, he's going to be eaten alive by Mya... HAHA Great job, I love the chapter! :)
~Mushrooms.
11UponAtlasOh poor Ryan, he's going to be eaten alive by Mya... HAHA Great job, I love the chapter! :)
~Mushrooms.
11/2/2011 c1 2Therese Lyke
I like it...
I can guess that it's a very dark story which I'm actually attracted to but I hope you can make longer chapters? ^-^ just asking ;P
2Therese LykeI like it...
I can guess that it's a very dark story which I'm actually attracted to but I hope you can make longer chapters? ^-^ just asking ;P
10/29/2011 c3 19Lara Bykirk
Here's a review for the first three chapters together, since the first two were so short. I really, really like the mood that you've set up here. The matter-of-fact, spare narration about the two delightfully awful characters is creepy in the best way. Normally, I think it's better to introduce characters through dialogue, action, etc, but for this particular story I think you made absolutely the right decision when you introduced Mya and Ryan through the short summaries of their lives. It allowed us to see how they became who they are now, without too much excess. Mya's chapter was particularly fine, with "coincidence" slowly gaining a new meaning as we begin to see her make her own "coincidences".
The one suggestion I have for you, if you go back to revise, is to think about expanding this third chapter slightly. The pacing felt a bit rushed. I don't know how long you're planning the story to be-the longer it is, the more details you should add in, I think. Your first two chapters had almost the feel of flash fiction, so the lack of all extraneous description was good, but since you're changing the pace here I think it would help to go even farther into the description. Maybe expand Mya's description of Ryan, or talk a little more about what the MacMillan property looks like? This would help to build atmosphere and tension, as well, I think. But it's a small point-your story is already really gripping.
19Lara BykirkHere's a review for the first three chapters together, since the first two were so short. I really, really like the mood that you've set up here. The matter-of-fact, spare narration about the two delightfully awful characters is creepy in the best way. Normally, I think it's better to introduce characters through dialogue, action, etc, but for this particular story I think you made absolutely the right decision when you introduced Mya and Ryan through the short summaries of their lives. It allowed us to see how they became who they are now, without too much excess. Mya's chapter was particularly fine, with "coincidence" slowly gaining a new meaning as we begin to see her make her own "coincidences".
The one suggestion I have for you, if you go back to revise, is to think about expanding this third chapter slightly. The pacing felt a bit rushed. I don't know how long you're planning the story to be-the longer it is, the more details you should add in, I think. Your first two chapters had almost the feel of flash fiction, so the lack of all extraneous description was good, but since you're changing the pace here I think it would help to go even farther into the description. Maybe expand Mya's description of Ryan, or talk a little more about what the MacMillan property looks like? This would help to build atmosphere and tension, as well, I think. But it's a small point-your story is already really gripping.
10/29/2011 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
Reading through this, I noticed you have a lot of unnecessary adverbs (most prominently was the word 'had' and the contraction -'d). Most of the sentences where I noticed this you could remove the word 'had' and it'll still make sense - normally it's wise to tighten up your sentences and use as few words as possible to get the same message/tone across in a story. Because of this, I found the flow of the sentences choppy and it was a bit hard for me to get into it.
I'm not too fond with how the chapter abruptly cuts off. I think you could expand a lot more on this - you try to cover a lot of ground with only four paragraphs. I think if you went more in depth with the relationship the character had with his mother when he was a child, it would help the reader sympathize more with the main character and want to keep reading. As of right now, there's really not enough information to prompt me to continue. All I know is some abused kid is standing outside a house with a shotgun. Showing us more of what happened to him, as well as putting in some of his emotions (is he crying? Shaking? Is he angry? Apathetic? Anxious? Does he feel blood-thirsty?) will give the character a lot more depth.
5Dr. Self DestructReading through this, I noticed you have a lot of unnecessary adverbs (most prominently was the word 'had' and the contraction -'d). Most of the sentences where I noticed this you could remove the word 'had' and it'll still make sense - normally it's wise to tighten up your sentences and use as few words as possible to get the same message/tone across in a story. Because of this, I found the flow of the sentences choppy and it was a bit hard for me to get into it.
I'm not too fond with how the chapter abruptly cuts off. I think you could expand a lot more on this - you try to cover a lot of ground with only four paragraphs. I think if you went more in depth with the relationship the character had with his mother when he was a child, it would help the reader sympathize more with the main character and want to keep reading. As of right now, there's really not enough information to prompt me to continue. All I know is some abused kid is standing outside a house with a shotgun. Showing us more of what happened to him, as well as putting in some of his emotions (is he crying? Shaking? Is he angry? Apathetic? Anxious? Does he feel blood-thirsty?) will give the character a lot more depth.