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8/24/2012 c1 7Wild rogue
This was really good. Thanks tor writing it.
2/1/2012 c1 VGJekyll Eve
It starts out strong.

Through the use of the word 'snout' made me confused and wonder if at the end of the story it would turn out that I had been reading about a police dog or so. It just kicked me straight out of the story and I had to read that part a few times to figure out that yes, he was indeed really a man.

Many of your sentences are a bit too long and could be cut into two or ever three separate sentences. (I have troubles with that too). There is also a bit too much focus on the large, bug eyes of the inspector. You can drop that few times and then mention it again, instead of using a adjective every time you mention the man's eyes.

The example of the car crash and how people still cant stop looking was very good and familiar. I know many readers can relate to that.

The briefcase must have been noticed when the Inspector shifted it from hand to hand, just before shaking Belvedere's hand, so it might be better to word the 'finally gave notice' a bit differently.

Why did you use 'marble' again in the sentence: Belvedere finally let a smile spread across his marble face? It is a bit superfluous here.

'reveled in the twitches of concern that revealed him'= I like this sentence. Very clever.

'while the other merely a metal frame'=Perhaps you can write it without, but I still feel like it reads strange without a 'was' before merely. Personally I would have written: 'while the other was nothing more than a metal frame.'

'With two simultaneous snaps, the briefcase was opened.' = I could picture this perfectly.

'"Once we clear things up, then you will be allowed to leave.' = the 'then' is not needed here.

The thing with the cardboard and red dot makes me really anxious and eager to find out where this is going.

'If one didn't know any better, they might think that table was rusty.' = Awesome sentence!

'his sharp pain' = is the 'his' intentional? Doesn't 'the' sound better?

'Dr. Knowell raised his eyebrows, and glanced down at the card as if he had to check for himself.'=also a very good sentence. I could picture it happening before me.

... I'm actually starting to feel sorry for Rasim. being beaten up like that.

'where you will be the man you want to me.' = 'be'?

Wow, that ending was definitely impressive. I hadn't expected it to all be for such a reason. How did you come up with such a subject and plot?

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