Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Reality Twists

11/6/2011 c1 cerebral1
I enjoyed this for its Star Wars allusions, and for the fun of it. You build the suspense of running away quite well.

For some reason I got the impression this could be, not aliens, but a person with multiple personalities, where one side is the person who wears the aluminum foil hat looking for aliens, and the other is nearer to normal. Guess I'm wayyy off on that impression!

Good job, and good luck!
11/6/2011 c1 16Dragon made me do it
I enjoyed the imaginativeness of this story, and the way you took us from a child's perspective into distant worlds on grand adventures.

I really like your writing style. The first person perspective jumping between different time periods works very well with your subject matter. Your short, sharp sentences and flow of consciousness style writing (which makes it almost feel like a dream sequence in parts) also help to create a very fast paced progression of the plot. Finally, you have matched the style well to the age etc of the narrator.

'I never went anywhere without my trusty lightsaber' - if I understand correctly, this is interesting on a few levels, you are mixing together your sci-fi references, between hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy and and Star Wars, only instead of I never go anywhere without my towel, its lightsaber, but the towel was still in there for good measure. anyway, my geeky side got very excited by this :-)

I am intrigued by this concept of children marooned on a planet waiting for aliens to take them to their parents. This is very imaginative. I am curious about who these elders are, but I also like the fact that you never explain it out right, you give your reader a chance to use their own imagination.

Your reference to aliens thinking they were superior because of their paleness, and it's obvious connections to the Holocaust etc was quite clever. When science fiction draws comparisons to human society to shed light on it from an outside perspective, I think it is at its best.

'life, the universe and everything.

It's 42...' - I was glad to see the Douglas Adams reference at the end :-)

I liked the way you tied in both the prompt with your line about heights, and also the several clever references to Douglas Adams' writing.

Well done, and good luck in the contest!

Spelling/grammar/punctuation:

First of all, well done to you for writing in a language that is not your native language. Considering this, your English is superb, but below are some changes which will help it.

We have better things to attend too. - too should be to

There are a number of occasions where you put a comma before another punctuation mark where it doesn't belong. Including:

Is it Gary,?

see,! Left,! Right,!

we're getting scratched,!

The tree,:

What should we think about,?

parents,?

them to figure it out,:

I tore my favorite cape,!

What should I have done,?

These should all be taken out. You should never need a comma before a question mark, exclamation mark, or colon.

'The elders mind is too thick' - this should be 'the elder's mind' if it is singular or 'the elders' minds are too thick' if it's plural.

'I didn't want anymore problems to happen.' - 'anymore' should be 'any more'

'I know fair well what to do.' - 'fair well' should be either 'full well' or 'fairly well'

'By the way, where are you parents?' - 'you' should be 'your'

'The elder's house is not our home. Don't forget that, they have lied to us, we are not like them.' - since in the second sentence you refer to 'they' and 'them', this implies that the elders are plural, so it should be 'The elder's house' in the first sentence.

'You here?' - change here to hear

'As I fell, I thought : Dear mother and father' - take out the space after 'thought'

'Pitch Black world.' - Black should be lowercase.

'I feel in peace.' - this would normally be written as 'I feel at peace'

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service