Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Learning to Smile and Marching On

11/12/2011 c3 16non.graceful
Peas and rice? I don't like peas, but if you have brocoli I'll be happy! :)

**

Dialogue. Dialogue. Dialogue. Use it. Use it. Use it.

Try not to make your story appear to be a recount... I have a feeling this conneects with personal experience, but you could always write from somebody else's perspective- utilize different words, slang or colloquial language. Starter sentence phrases that you seem to use quite a few would be ones similar to 'That same day," or "The day after."

Maybe you should use imagery or something to draw a line between time passing- weather changing, or maybe even a different location.

Realism. I know you, but your work just needs that extra hit to make it realistic. That's why I keep saying: use evidence. Use dialogue.

Again, I give you a terrible review, sorry. I tend to just give my opinion and not an actual review. But, it's not a bad thing. At least you didn't get an, "OMG it's good." At least I'm not reviewing for the sake of it :P

Good luck with the next few chapters and the contest!

~Grace
11/12/2011 c2 non.graceful
Downfall of this chapter: the sub headings.

I don't think that they're really needed. it takes out the surprise- or unexpected things have happened- not allowing the reader to get a feel of the story for themselves. it distracted me at some points and I found that because of the subheadings it was predictable as to where you were going with the story.

Refrain from repeating words. It'll be too repetitive and get on your readers nerves (You didn't do it often, but I like telling people this in case they do do it.)

Evidence. Always have evidence for some of the story. Your chapter would seem unrealistic if you didn't have examples of the girls on the soccer team pushing your protagonist around, or examples of meeting new friends. What I'm trying to get at, is that you needed dialogue to show how things went down- how she first met her friends.

Let your story flow, don't force it out of your mind.

(If my review was mean or anything, I aplogise. Though, I am trying to help.)

~Grace
11/12/2011 c1 non.graceful
It's been a long time, but I still exist :P

It was great, as your work always is. The tension was there and of course the rapid draw of imagery. (I almost cried on the last sentence as babyish as that may appear to be.)

To the next chapter!

~Grace
11/10/2011 c3 Suz26
Cousins...exes...same difference, right? Oh, my gosh, that's so funny! This Axel guy is an interesting character. I like the Alan backstory and the reaction. Oh, poor Leah...crutches for picture day. Can't wait to read more. :)
11/10/2011 c2 Suz26
Love it! So excited to see you're writing an original story and what a cool challenge. Keep going, keep going! It's great so far. :)
11/5/2011 c2 King and Lionheart
This Is good.please continue

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service