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for The Wind to a Flame

11/26/2011 c2 1kylethehobo
Spoiler alert : I think that it would be important to have more from Hector in the way of snobbishness and derision of the peasants. Expand on how he dislikes the poeple he relies on. Maybe have the two lords go for a walk and have an incident with a worker in the castle/keep that proves how he is a bad leader. At this point we have no examples of what he does wrong. This would help readers develop more of a reason for the readers to have hate for the leaders that we are supposed to dislike. I want to be drawn into the story, so examples will help.

Gabriel tells Tamesis that he will regret treating him like a prisoner while he is tied up, but then there is no recourse for his "mistreatment". Maybe have h haim chastise him more, or slap him for his treatment. This will ensure we know they are enemies.

When we meet the people in the inn, there is a very quick travel speed. Maybe have more travel time in between the two discs. Have some description of landscape, maybe have a moiuntain pass with a great view and a soliloquy on why the realm needs to be saved.

When he gets to the inn, remeber that a stableboy knows how do his job, have Gabriel flip him a silver, not explain his job. Gabriel should be reliant on serfs at the same time he has respect for them.

Also have the lord meet in a private room instead of having them in the common room. This would make introductions much easier. This would also land itself to longer louder conversation without bother or fear of discovery.
11/26/2011 c1 kylethehobo
Spoiler alert: First off, I think that the beginning should ease you into the story more. Start with maybe a chase scene and have a buildup to the square confrontation.

You can have the millers wife be the one to discover the theft, and identify the nameless man to those who chase him.

Second, make sure to mention that there are people who aren't in the crowd chasing them. This will help expand the idea that there are many people in the town, which is arguably the capital of this region. It seems like every single person in the town is chasing him, which doesn't' seem possible.

Third, pacing is key. We move from important events very quickly, and this leads to a loss of detail.

we need more haughtiness from the capitan of the guards, when he charges into the crowd, maybe he can instead have his men charge in to threaten them, instead of the man personally. This way he stays outside of the people, and sees himself as better than them.

If the story is paced more, then the speech he makes in the courtyard will feel more well placed, less rushed. There is get little backstory in this chapter, so the speech feels a bit misplaced. It is good, but maybe later in the timeline.
11/25/2011 c3 DutchAver
I am puzzled. You state that the peasants are oppressed, that nobody dares to rebel, but at the same time, Gerald and Veronica seem to be on their side, defending Bertha from the vendor and giving her extra water.

I like Gerald and Veronica, and their strong bond, but I'm still a bit puzzled. I guess they're simply not as nice as they seem to be.

All in all, good chapter, though I'd like it if it was a bit more eventful :) But that might just be me. Hope this review was helpful!
11/10/2011 c2 DutchAver
I like how the lords who rebel against the country have put the peasants in a good place, and don't suppress them like they do in the evil country - because there, the people are so suppressed that they don't even want to rebel anymore, the fire's gone. I believe your characters need to work their hardest if they want freedom, and peace, to return.

Your cliffhanger suggests we'll see more of the twins, and I'm looking forward to it. One of them is special? My guess is that it's the girl, why else would it be a pity she was born first? I'll admit that's mostly guesswork, though.

I think the twins will play a part themselves in bringing democracy, and change, to the country. I'm curious to what will happen in your next chapter and I hope this review was helpful.

One mistake:

'"You look at mess.' I think you mean 'you look like a mess' here.
11/9/2011 c1 DutchAver
Ah, NaNoWriMo's difficult - I'm very much busy with it now too, and I don't have as much time for other things as usual. I presume you're just writing the chapters, and then posting them immediately, or do you have time for editing them along the way? I know for sure my story isn't going to be posted until halfway next year, it needs a good Beta first XD But I digress, on to the story!

The place you describe is certainly a place I wouldn't want to live. Tyranny seems to be rather strong here, and the people don't even want to rebel. Frightening.

The old English made it a tad difficult to read, but that's explainable - after all, this story doesn't exactly take place in the 21st century. (Fortunately!) All in all, it was a good chapter, though you were a bit too generous with description - after all, what has really happened in this chapter? Then again, it is your NaNoWriMo^^

I like lord Gabriel Sullivan, and he seems to have a strong-willed personality. That's good - in a world of tyranny, someone has to rebel, after all, and I'm glad that it's him.

Hope this review was helpful!

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