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1/18/2012 c5 99Dreamers-Requiem
Hmm...I have a bad feeling about Arthur. Well, it's kind of bad but...sort of like, she could find in him soemthing that David is missing, almost. [thus why I was out here running before my closing shift at the bar.] sounds a bit odd, maybe because of the 'thus why'. I think you could drop that bit, simply because it's implied in what's going on anyway. [abandon me on the wayside,"] Needs a question mark. [She kicked me out of the house several years ago] I have to admit, I've never seen someone get stuck in one memory from that long ago when drinking. It just seems a bit, strange, to me. Feel free to correct me if you've experienced different though. [it David, the guy] again, just sounds strange. Maybe just (wasn't it that guy you were kissing...) And...ah. Okay. Nice twist there with the kid not being David's. I think you revealed it well but I am surprised she is telling a total stranger when, from the sounds of it, she's never told anyone. I think you could make it a little more of a shock, like she accidently spilled out the part about having sex with a guy she didn't know. Make her surprised that she said it, sort of thing? [What the hell am I doing,] again, needs a question mark. I feel like the last line is too much foreshadowing; maybe just cut it out? Or even just end it with her running off or something? The idea that it might come back, so to speak, I feel is again, implied with that's happening, so, yeah, I don't think you really need it. Can't wait for the next chapter.
1/10/2012 c4 Dreamers-Requiem
Again, fantastic chapter. Still really liking the characters, though I'm glad we get to see just a little bit more of David's nicer sides here. [my feet were aching, my muscles were aching] Could shorten it to (My feet and muscles were aching...) [his eyes alit with worry.] Might be a personal thing, but alit sounds really odd to me there. Maybe (full of) or something else? [Then his lips pressed] Could cut out the 'then'. [over his cheek, wondered] Again, just sounds slightly off. Maybe (wondering) ? [But Betty always says] Again, says sounds off; could change it to said? I love the dialogue you have between characters; it's really smooth and natural. One other thing I saw; [like she was a seventeen year old whore desperate to spread her legs] That sounds way too harsh, I think, for the type of relationship they seem to have. Unless she actually dislikes Betty, I'd suggest changing it to something..else. Even if you just drop the 'whore'. Secondly...love the 'Small towns' comment. Something really small, but it made me sort of chuckle. Great stuff, can't wait to see more!
1/6/2012 c1 27Writerandreader
This was a good beginning for a story :)
1/2/2012 c3 99Dreamers-Requiem
Good to see another character introduced, and one that seems really interesting, too. I liked seeing her outside of her home, too, away from David and the kid. I do, however, find myself agreing with Betty; again, I think you need to include a bit more - just minor things - of what makes David, well, David. On what she sees in him. I do really like the small bit at the start, of how they met, and it's really sweet. I think it works really nicely to do exactly what I said before, but I think you need to show a little bit of how he cares - I don't think we saw much of that in the last chapter. I look forward to the next chapter of this.
12/26/2011 c2 Dreamers-Requiem
That's a really good first chapter - I think it introduces Emma really well, and nothing is explicitly stated too soon; the flow is natural, and we find out bits and pieces throughout, so great job with that. The only problem I find is that she seems to complain more about David that not; if you come to edit this, I would suggest maybe sprinkling in some more of David's good parts throughout. I know there's some, but right now it kind of gives the impression of 'why hasn't she left him yet?' which doesn't seem to be what you're going for? It does seem to me that Emma really does love him; I just think you need to have a little bit more explanation of why/how she loves him, that sort of thing? Anyway, fantastic chapter and I'll be back to read the next one soon.
12/17/2011 c1 Dreamers-Requiem
Really interesting start, and I'm eager to see where the story goes from here so, from that point of view, the prologue does its job. The only thing I'd say is maybe try not to start too many of the sentences with 'she' - it can make it look a bit too repetitive. Good luck with the rest of this, and I'll be back to read chapter one soon as I can.
12/2/2011 c3 FindnUrslfInLuv-LouisTomlinson
love it post next chapter soon!
12/1/2011 c2 29YasuRan
Interesting so far. Emma seems like a believable character, someone who doesn't have the perfect life with a perfect boyfriend. Judging from how thing were set up in the prologue, I'm wondering if this theme of unfulfilled promises will repeat itself with her and David, just like it had been with her father. Quite a short chapter which leaves a lot of expectations in the air but that just makes me eager for a future update :)

That guy at the counter sounded like a real jerk. Especially with his comments about her being a Mum. Outright rude. Still, I wonder if he's going to play a bigger part in upcoming chapters. Oh well, we'll see...
12/1/2011 c2 3Lovely Dreams
WOAH O_O What's happening? Update please :3

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