for Like hot hot liquid metal12/7/2011 c1 
172DefineBeauty
i really think this has an interesting concept and i love the imagery (lava, a dog lapping it up) that you create to get your point across. it paints a nice picture.
however, i don't like that you repeat the same word over and and over through out (lap lap, closer closer closer, etc.) as it really takes away from the piece for me. honestly, it's a tad annoying. i do like it if it is used once or twice, but i don't think it worked so well in this piece, or maybe if you did it not as much?
over all it is good =]
172DefineBeautyi really think this has an interesting concept and i love the imagery (lava, a dog lapping it up) that you create to get your point across. it paints a nice picture.
however, i don't like that you repeat the same word over and and over through out (lap lap, closer closer closer, etc.) as it really takes away from the piece for me. honestly, it's a tad annoying. i do like it if it is used once or twice, but i don't think it worked so well in this piece, or maybe if you did it not as much?
over all it is good =]
12/7/2011 c1 29YasuRan
The imagery is searing. The concept of being exposed to another can be a frightening concept to envision, for one as private as me especially. 'With nothing left to hide and when I try and try and try/It all comes spilling out/Uncontrollably seeping through my fingers/And you sit and lap lap it all up/Up.' That's some powerful stuff, with the use of the word 'lap' as if the other person was that eager to unravel you.
'Like a dog./Faithful' is an interesting comparison. Despite the carnal emotion of the preceding stanzas, this one reveals something deeper than that. As if the significant other really cared to know. I can really sense the narrator's shame as s/he talks of scars and skin swelling 'an ugly red'. It just makes the emotive phrasing more potent.
29YasuRanThe imagery is searing. The concept of being exposed to another can be a frightening concept to envision, for one as private as me especially. 'With nothing left to hide and when I try and try and try/It all comes spilling out/Uncontrollably seeping through my fingers/And you sit and lap lap it all up/Up.' That's some powerful stuff, with the use of the word 'lap' as if the other person was that eager to unravel you.
'Like a dog./Faithful' is an interesting comparison. Despite the carnal emotion of the preceding stanzas, this one reveals something deeper than that. As if the significant other really cared to know. I can really sense the narrator's shame as s/he talks of scars and skin swelling 'an ugly red'. It just makes the emotive phrasing more potent.