for Chasing Blue: The Final Saga9/5/2012 c14 Hannah
GAH! Okay, that cliffhanger in the middle of the chapter with Cornelia and Athena has me very nervous! Which is good, of course. I really liked this chapter. Definitely wasn't expecting any of what happened. And I greatly enjoyed the part where Troy was thinking of Julius and everyone back home for a bit, then saying he must move on and forget them all. Twas tear jerker. Nicely done. Also, the part where he remembers Miletus's funeral was great too. As in sad great. Lol, if that makes any sense.
Twas really sad to see Jason and Theseus; made me realize just how long and well they have known Philemon, and that he must have been quite different at one time, and that he can be a great guy when he is not acting out of fear at his own vulnerability.
I'm glad for Clitus, though sad it had to happen the way it did. I thought you did a great job with Clitus's reaction to everything. I really like him, if you didn't notice; I tend to mention him in every review I leave on this story. XD
I'm very interested to see what Troy digs up regarding Philemon, and if he decides to stay with the crew!
Great work, as always! :)
GAH! Okay, that cliffhanger in the middle of the chapter with Cornelia and Athena has me very nervous! Which is good, of course. I really liked this chapter. Definitely wasn't expecting any of what happened. And I greatly enjoyed the part where Troy was thinking of Julius and everyone back home for a bit, then saying he must move on and forget them all. Twas tear jerker. Nicely done. Also, the part where he remembers Miletus's funeral was great too. As in sad great. Lol, if that makes any sense.
Twas really sad to see Jason and Theseus; made me realize just how long and well they have known Philemon, and that he must have been quite different at one time, and that he can be a great guy when he is not acting out of fear at his own vulnerability.
I'm glad for Clitus, though sad it had to happen the way it did. I thought you did a great job with Clitus's reaction to everything. I really like him, if you didn't notice; I tend to mention him in every review I leave on this story. XD
I'm very interested to see what Troy digs up regarding Philemon, and if he decides to stay with the crew!
Great work, as always! :)
8/28/2012 c3 
1natalieward
To be honest I thought Troy had been drugged, which is why he passed out, then I read this and maybe he was just drunk, or maybe he was drugged - I still can't work it out. If this is deliberate, then good work!
It's interesting how Andro wants Gatalaya, yet she wants nothing to do with him, instead preferring the look of Troy, so already you have created an interesting love triangle that I hope gets developed further.
Couple of other things:
[most hidden of places. It was not the most ideal place to stay,] - the two "mosts" are to close together, maybe pick another word for one of them?
[She though learned to play the game just to] - doesn't need the though, it feels out of place and would read better as "she learnt to play the game though, just to..."
["Galataya," a familiar voice called from behind. Her scent of balsam and frankincense oils filled the air, floating into the otherwise stale air. He had caught a whiff of frankincense, a scent that triggered many pleasant memories in his disturbed mind.] - I found this confusing, the jump from her to him was too quick and it took a couple of reads of this section for me to realise what was happening, at first I thought we were in Troy's head.
Ending was good, nice little cliffhanger as we wait to see what Andro has in store!
1nataliewardTo be honest I thought Troy had been drugged, which is why he passed out, then I read this and maybe he was just drunk, or maybe he was drugged - I still can't work it out. If this is deliberate, then good work!
It's interesting how Andro wants Gatalaya, yet she wants nothing to do with him, instead preferring the look of Troy, so already you have created an interesting love triangle that I hope gets developed further.
Couple of other things:
[most hidden of places. It was not the most ideal place to stay,] - the two "mosts" are to close together, maybe pick another word for one of them?
[She though learned to play the game just to] - doesn't need the though, it feels out of place and would read better as "she learnt to play the game though, just to..."
["Galataya," a familiar voice called from behind. Her scent of balsam and frankincense oils filled the air, floating into the otherwise stale air. He had caught a whiff of frankincense, a scent that triggered many pleasant memories in his disturbed mind.] - I found this confusing, the jump from her to him was too quick and it took a couple of reads of this section for me to realise what was happening, at first I thought we were in Troy's head.
Ending was good, nice little cliffhanger as we wait to see what Andro has in store!
8/22/2012 c2 natalieward
After reading the first chap this is certainly not what i expected - not that that is a bad thing! for some reason, it's just different. the first thing i did notice was the formality of your narration and speech. if this is set in a different time, then that makes sense, but the narrator here is also a 16 year old man/boy and it somehow felt a little out of place - but that is just my opinion/observation.
a couple of repetitions - such as [I could slowly watch her garment tear, slowly revealing her exposed thigh.] - don't need both of the "slowly".
this line just a felt/read a little strange - [one swipe knocked the clay cup off his table. Smash! - the use of smash! afterwards seemed unnatural almost. maybe reword as "one swipe, smashed the clay cup off the table, on to the floor"
other than that - very good, especially the ending, definitely creates some mystery!
After reading the first chap this is certainly not what i expected - not that that is a bad thing! for some reason, it's just different. the first thing i did notice was the formality of your narration and speech. if this is set in a different time, then that makes sense, but the narrator here is also a 16 year old man/boy and it somehow felt a little out of place - but that is just my opinion/observation.
a couple of repetitions - such as [I could slowly watch her garment tear, slowly revealing her exposed thigh.] - don't need both of the "slowly".
this line just a felt/read a little strange - [one swipe knocked the clay cup off his table. Smash! - the use of smash! afterwards seemed unnatural almost. maybe reword as "one swipe, smashed the clay cup off the table, on to the floor"
other than that - very good, especially the ending, definitely creates some mystery!
8/19/2012 c1 1Loraine Wentworth
I think the prologue introduced a lot of mystery, which is intriguing. I also like that is was quite short, moving on quickly to the main story.
I like the Classical theme here; it immediately enabled me to get a good sense of the setting.
I think that each time a different person speaks, you need to start a new paragraph. This makes it easier to read and to know who is speaking.
There is quite a sinister sense to this chapter, to the way that Apollus behaves. I'm hoping that Cornelia manages to get the upper hand- I'll be reading on to find out!
1Loraine WentworthI think the prologue introduced a lot of mystery, which is intriguing. I also like that is was quite short, moving on quickly to the main story.
I like the Classical theme here; it immediately enabled me to get a good sense of the setting.
I think that each time a different person speaks, you need to start a new paragraph. This makes it easier to read and to know who is speaking.
There is quite a sinister sense to this chapter, to the way that Apollus behaves. I'm hoping that Cornelia manages to get the upper hand- I'll be reading on to find out!
8/16/2012 c2 2Ghost Divsion
For a lone traveler, I think Troy needs to learn to man up a bit. At the moment he seems like too much of a pretty boy. However, I can tell that you want to develop him as a character so at this point it's excusable. I like the way you described the bar scene though. It seems realistic for any bar, ancient or modern.
2Ghost DivsionFor a lone traveler, I think Troy needs to learn to man up a bit. At the moment he seems like too much of a pretty boy. However, I can tell that you want to develop him as a character so at this point it's excusable. I like the way you described the bar scene though. It seems realistic for any bar, ancient or modern.
8/15/2012 c1 Ghost Divsion
The beginning was very good. Because I didn't read the first two parts of the trilogy, at first I assumed the main character was actually Apollous. It was only towards the end that I noticed that Apollous was actually a bad guy, which was a surprising twist. I also like how you made the story based in Ancient Greece. All too often, I see stories based in Medieval times or the future. To see a story based in ancient history is nice refresher.
The beginning was very good. Because I didn't read the first two parts of the trilogy, at first I assumed the main character was actually Apollous. It was only towards the end that I noticed that Apollous was actually a bad guy, which was a surprising twist. I also like how you made the story based in Ancient Greece. All too often, I see stories based in Medieval times or the future. To see a story based in ancient history is nice refresher.
8/14/2012 c1 1natalieward
An interesting first chapter which I have to admit is nothing like what I expected it to be from your blurb! Still, is pulls you in and I like the ending you leave it with.
Couple of things:
- by the end I was shocked to learn we were in his bedroom! One minute he seemed to have ridden in on his horse, then his slave appeared and next thing I knew we were inside...just a little jumpy and maybe one or two sentences indicating some movement would have helped here.
-["Let me tell you this. Troy may be 'alive' somewhere but here he is dead!" He was already dead to him a long time ago he thought.] - would he think [he was already dead to ME a long time ago] - just reads a little strange the way it is now.
-[How do you know if it true?" ] missing an "is" between the if and it.
1nataliewardAn interesting first chapter which I have to admit is nothing like what I expected it to be from your blurb! Still, is pulls you in and I like the ending you leave it with.
Couple of things:
- by the end I was shocked to learn we were in his bedroom! One minute he seemed to have ridden in on his horse, then his slave appeared and next thing I knew we were inside...just a little jumpy and maybe one or two sentences indicating some movement would have helped here.
-["Let me tell you this. Troy may be 'alive' somewhere but here he is dead!" He was already dead to him a long time ago he thought.] - would he think [he was already dead to ME a long time ago] - just reads a little strange the way it is now.
-[How do you know if it true?" ] missing an "is" between the if and it.
8/14/2012 c1 4AThousandPromises
Well, there are a few punctuation mistakes. "There is no need to question the prince or should I say future king," he hissed.". This should be "...question the prince, or should I say future king?" Also "How could she make such a careless and dangerous mistake!" should technically have a question mark, but it doesn't really matter. Umm... where it says "He was already dead to him a long time ago he thought.", it's somewhat confusing, as the nouns are getting mixed up, so it's easier to understand as "He was already dead to me a long time ago, he thought.", because he's thinking it to himself, not saying it aloud, right?
I like your metaphors and details, especially "...realizing her thoughts had oozed out her lips audibly enough for Apollus to hear."
I also think that there isn't quite enough of the backstory, some things are explained, but not who Troy is, or why he is considered dead by Apollus. Unless it's explained in the other chapters, if so just ignore this :)
-AThousandPromises
4AThousandPromisesWell, there are a few punctuation mistakes. "There is no need to question the prince or should I say future king," he hissed.". This should be "...question the prince, or should I say future king?" Also "How could she make such a careless and dangerous mistake!" should technically have a question mark, but it doesn't really matter. Umm... where it says "He was already dead to him a long time ago he thought.", it's somewhat confusing, as the nouns are getting mixed up, so it's easier to understand as "He was already dead to me a long time ago, he thought.", because he's thinking it to himself, not saying it aloud, right?
I like your metaphors and details, especially "...realizing her thoughts had oozed out her lips audibly enough for Apollus to hear."
I also think that there isn't quite enough of the backstory, some things are explained, but not who Troy is, or why he is considered dead by Apollus. Unless it's explained in the other chapters, if so just ignore this :)
-AThousandPromises
6/7/2012 c8 Hannah
I notice I am the only one to have left a review on this story, and I wanted to let you know, I'm still reading! And enjoying. :) So, I quite enjoyed this chapter. The conflict was fun to read. :) Ah man, the mention of Miletus made me want to cry. I'm quite excited to see what will happen next. Poor Clitus, I feel very sorry for him having a master like Philemon. No wonder the poor guy wanted to commit suicide. I admire Troy for standing up for him, though Troy has a lot to learn about the "normal" world, where he is pretty much a nobody. Poor guy. Though, interestingly, that is sort of true of his life back home. His word rarely mattered there, either; at least, not in anything really big.
Okay, this doesn't apply to this chapter, but I'm putting it here anyway, cause I'm feeling lazy. :P I was very glad when Troy thought about Romeos a few chapters back. That little bit about how he felt guilty and tried to bury the pain and grief really helped a lot for me in understanding where Troy was coming from, cause I was about to be a little annoyed at him for not thinking/grieving about Romeos. I certainly was grieving. And still am..._ :D He was an awesome character, and I still get teary thinking about him and how poor Julius must be coping with it all. Dude, that is making me want to cry. Anyway, good job letting the reader know that Troy is grieving/hasn't forgotten Romeos. :)
Keep up the writing! I'm really enjoying this story.
I notice I am the only one to have left a review on this story, and I wanted to let you know, I'm still reading! And enjoying. :) So, I quite enjoyed this chapter. The conflict was fun to read. :) Ah man, the mention of Miletus made me want to cry. I'm quite excited to see what will happen next. Poor Clitus, I feel very sorry for him having a master like Philemon. No wonder the poor guy wanted to commit suicide. I admire Troy for standing up for him, though Troy has a lot to learn about the "normal" world, where he is pretty much a nobody. Poor guy. Though, interestingly, that is sort of true of his life back home. His word rarely mattered there, either; at least, not in anything really big.
Okay, this doesn't apply to this chapter, but I'm putting it here anyway, cause I'm feeling lazy. :P I was very glad when Troy thought about Romeos a few chapters back. That little bit about how he felt guilty and tried to bury the pain and grief really helped a lot for me in understanding where Troy was coming from, cause I was about to be a little annoyed at him for not thinking/grieving about Romeos. I certainly was grieving. And still am..._ :D He was an awesome character, and I still get teary thinking about him and how poor Julius must be coping with it all. Dude, that is making me want to cry. Anyway, good job letting the reader know that Troy is grieving/hasn't forgotten Romeos. :)
Keep up the writing! I'm really enjoying this story.
2/24/2012 c5 Hannah
Ahh! This story is amazing! I've read all of the books, and can't wait for more! :) You are really good at making the characters come alive, and the storyline is great! I've squealed in dismay and excitement more than once while reading, lol. Oh man, the last third of Domain of Power had me all teary eyed and wanting to wallop some characters. Which is a good thing. :D You are very skilled. :D
Ahh! This story is amazing! I've read all of the books, and can't wait for more! :) You are really good at making the characters come alive, and the storyline is great! I've squealed in dismay and excitement more than once while reading, lol. Oh man, the last third of Domain of Power had me all teary eyed and wanting to wallop some characters. Which is a good thing. :D You are very skilled. :D