for The Fat Warrior3/30/2012 c1 
4lookingwest
From The Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile)
Stunned , he told the woman to leave him alone. "Get away from me." - Typo: extra space after "Stunned". Also, I felt like the "he told the woman to leave him alone" was pointless-consider omitting. The dialogue basically does exactly what the narration says, so you could also just get rid of the dialogue. Either way, it was unnecessarily wordy and I didn't like that repetition of the same statement in different ways.
"It is pointless to resist me." she said face to face. - Edit: comma after "me", capitalize "She"
Remember that you always must segue from speaker tags to dialogue with a comma. I noticed, like above, you almost always use a period instead-that's grammatically incorrect. Take the time to edit and polish it up a bit for a more professional presentation.
One thing I really did like about this was the weight "fat" factor because I thought it was fun and original. I liked the ending and the surprise of it, very fun!
4lookingwestFrom The Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile)
Stunned , he told the woman to leave him alone. "Get away from me." - Typo: extra space after "Stunned". Also, I felt like the "he told the woman to leave him alone" was pointless-consider omitting. The dialogue basically does exactly what the narration says, so you could also just get rid of the dialogue. Either way, it was unnecessarily wordy and I didn't like that repetition of the same statement in different ways.
"It is pointless to resist me." she said face to face. - Edit: comma after "me", capitalize "She"
Remember that you always must segue from speaker tags to dialogue with a comma. I noticed, like above, you almost always use a period instead-that's grammatically incorrect. Take the time to edit and polish it up a bit for a more professional presentation.
One thing I really did like about this was the weight "fat" factor because I thought it was fun and original. I liked the ending and the surprise of it, very fun!
3/29/2012 c10 1mingsquared
You definitely have a nice plot and a good story going. The style of switching back and forth is interesting. Mostly authors switch POVs on a chapter basis, not several times in a story. Still it does make your story stand out and it's not as confusing as it looks. Keep it up.
1mingsquaredYou definitely have a nice plot and a good story going. The style of switching back and forth is interesting. Mostly authors switch POVs on a chapter basis, not several times in a story. Still it does make your story stand out and it's not as confusing as it looks. Keep it up.
3/24/2012 c2 6Michodell
Very interesting world you've created.
I think that jumping back and forth is becoming a little confusing, but it does give you an angle from everywhere.
I would maybe cut out one or two of the areas to make it a little less clustered and confusing.
Nice story so far though!
6MichodellVery interesting world you've created.
I think that jumping back and forth is becoming a little confusing, but it does give you an angle from everywhere.
I would maybe cut out one or two of the areas to make it a little less clustered and confusing.
Nice story so far though!
3/24/2012 c1 Michodell
Interesting concept. I liked how you talked a little bit about the dream before you went into the action sequence of it.
Good start to a story!
Interesting concept. I liked how you talked a little bit about the dream before you went into the action sequence of it.
Good start to a story!
3/2/2012 c1 2Embarrassed
Technical stuff:
I understand that you intended for his subconscious to be the "it" which is later referenced, but I think it might make more sense written as "and he questioned reality in general."
"So gracefully, he ran down a dark meadow." I think it might appear better mentioning the "hill of a dark meadow" as that would make more sense to be running down.
"He told the woman to leave him alone" coupled with "Get away from me" Seems a bit redundant. You could say "he warned/cautioned" to avoid repetitiveness.
I also wouldn't say he "went" on the scale, you could say "stepped onto" or some other synonym to clarify
You might want to use some more complex sentences, maybe some more colorful vocabulary, just something to grab the interest of the reader in a technical sense.
I suppose this just isn't my favorite genre, or maybe since I haven't read the previous story, but I'm just a bit lost. It just seems odd for an overweight regular Joe to be fighting aliens, unless of course, you're going for that whole wacky feel.
I hope I was helpful in some way :)
2EmbarrassedTechnical stuff:
I understand that you intended for his subconscious to be the "it" which is later referenced, but I think it might make more sense written as "and he questioned reality in general."
"So gracefully, he ran down a dark meadow." I think it might appear better mentioning the "hill of a dark meadow" as that would make more sense to be running down.
"He told the woman to leave him alone" coupled with "Get away from me" Seems a bit redundant. You could say "he warned/cautioned" to avoid repetitiveness.
I also wouldn't say he "went" on the scale, you could say "stepped onto" or some other synonym to clarify
You might want to use some more complex sentences, maybe some more colorful vocabulary, just something to grab the interest of the reader in a technical sense.
I suppose this just isn't my favorite genre, or maybe since I haven't read the previous story, but I'm just a bit lost. It just seems odd for an overweight regular Joe to be fighting aliens, unless of course, you're going for that whole wacky feel.
I hope I was helpful in some way :)
3/1/2012 c1 Secret Roses
I defiantly like that beginning, it's really got a nice flow to it. Very poetic and descriptive enough to draw the reader in.
I like how you snuck the description of John in by tying it with the current situation. It's nice to take a breather from writers that blandly, and quite randomly describe their characters.
That dream was incredibly odd; I must say. But I have a feeling it'll be better explained later on. I really like your word choice; graceful, dreamy, slender. Very good; it's like you're painting a picture.
Wow. This story is very unique; it's like it took a 180 turn from the start of it.
I think it's also good describing a bit of the prequel in it, so people who haven't read that can understand.
I also like how the dream is affecting him in real life; I assume.
I'm assuming this'll be cleared later on. Overall, good story, with beautifully written passages. Keep up the good work!
I defiantly like that beginning, it's really got a nice flow to it. Very poetic and descriptive enough to draw the reader in.
I like how you snuck the description of John in by tying it with the current situation. It's nice to take a breather from writers that blandly, and quite randomly describe their characters.
That dream was incredibly odd; I must say. But I have a feeling it'll be better explained later on. I really like your word choice; graceful, dreamy, slender. Very good; it's like you're painting a picture.
Wow. This story is very unique; it's like it took a 180 turn from the start of it.
I think it's also good describing a bit of the prequel in it, so people who haven't read that can understand.
I also like how the dream is affecting him in real life; I assume.
I'm assuming this'll be cleared later on. Overall, good story, with beautifully written passages. Keep up the good work!
2/28/2012 c1 12Deedee Elle
I like your first paragraph, it is nicely poetic and reads with a nice rhythm. Then soome of your sentences become very static. I don't know if that is intentional but it makes it quite disjointed to read. The second paragraph has lots of repetition of run or running, maybe you could think of a few synonyms to vary it a bit.
I felt a bit like I was coming in halfway through a story here. The appearance of the woman is confusing as he doesn't seem as surprised as I would expect. In the scene where he is being forced to kiss her (and presumably about to do more) he doesn't seem as panic stricken as one would expect him to be.
Ah, it was a dream. That explains it.
I know this is a prologue but it reads more like a summary of a previous story than just setting the scene as you cover a lot of information quickly which could be spread out into longer scenes.
The last few paragraphs were good. I liked the idea that he was really getting fatter during his sleep and that the dream might be somehow affecting the real world.
12Deedee ElleI like your first paragraph, it is nicely poetic and reads with a nice rhythm. Then soome of your sentences become very static. I don't know if that is intentional but it makes it quite disjointed to read. The second paragraph has lots of repetition of run or running, maybe you could think of a few synonyms to vary it a bit.
I felt a bit like I was coming in halfway through a story here. The appearance of the woman is confusing as he doesn't seem as surprised as I would expect. In the scene where he is being forced to kiss her (and presumably about to do more) he doesn't seem as panic stricken as one would expect him to be.
Ah, it was a dream. That explains it.
I know this is a prologue but it reads more like a summary of a previous story than just setting the scene as you cover a lot of information quickly which could be spread out into longer scenes.
The last few paragraphs were good. I liked the idea that he was really getting fatter during his sleep and that the dream might be somehow affecting the real world.