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for Fairytales Reworked: Rapunzel

7/15/2012 c1 76The Autumn Queen
Skimming over, it's a little difficult to distinguish between the A/N and the actual fic. Was this published during that spell where we all had to resort to the basic primitive codes to get our works published? In any case, you could have split the two with ... or (-) or something that works on your Doc Manager if you couldn't work with bolds or that line break...thing. It's just a little distracting, particularly with something that fits across the screen in one go.

[Climbing down off his fine steed Prince Charming stood below...] - I think you should put a comma after steed. The sentence drags a little otherwise.

[beautiful golden locks?" His calling was greeted] - I think a page-break would be better suited there. The second sentence substitutes Rapunzel's dialogue after all.

[Startled Prince Charming...] - comma after startled. In any case, the sentence reads a little oddly. Particularly because of "confusedly". Try rewording that one.

["Well what am I supposed to do now?] - a comma after well would punctuate the statement a little better...excusing the unintentional pun there.
["And just for the record, Prince Brain-Dead, we're not all going to just have 'golden locks' because you stereotypically think we should! I've dyed my hair black so there!"] - I love this part. Standing up for women everywhere - a touch on gender bias and blonde bias too.

Ohana from the Review Marathon (link in profile)

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