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for The Mathews Scenario Redux

7/24/2012 c1 7Eytha
You've probably forgotten about me a while ago, but I'm returning a very, very late review. I do apologize for the beyond tardiness of it.

I like the introduction you have to Layne. Since it is first person, the narration gives a good sense of personality of the character straight from the start. A little humor and non sequitur make it enjoyable and endearing for her.

Jacob had good development and really felt like he had some personality to him even in the short amount time he is present. There was good interactions with him that felt like he was friends and connected with them. Ann had a little development, but next to others she felt a little flat almost part of the background with the others stealing the show.

Having Ryan as a jerk with a smooth tongue being the focus for the story is interesting. You make it clear there is some history between them. It creates a good amount of questions making the reader want more. Given his personality is hard to know how likeable or how much interest he will have since he appears like a negative force in the story. So it will be interesting to see someone that runs more contrary to a more traditional formula work out.

Overall, it is a solid introduction chapter getting all of the key players laid out for the reader. The pacing is good and the dialogue is sharp and clean. Plus the mystery at the end with what is happen make for a nice cliffhanger. I'm very curious about this. Keep up the good work!
2/21/2012 c1 62YFIQ
It's understandable since we all tends to rush things. Sometimes when we look through our older works, it made us want to refine it.

I mean I still have tense issues so that tells you something.

Anyway, hopefully you'll finish it this time.

Also can you PM me an info about review buddies? I'm interested.
1/8/2012 c1 lachevaleresque
(who is too lazy to log in because she's supposed to be on hiatus)

Anyhoo, so glad you've started rewriting The Matthews Scenario. Read this two days ago when you PM'ed me and thought "Wow, this is good."

It's not an improvement, per se, cause comparing the new and the old nothing that much characterwise or plotwise has changed. I think the improvement lies in the setting out and the increased coherency of the sentences. :D

Despite the extensive revisions, I'm glad you've retained Layne's whimsical ditzy "voice". It really sets her apart from the slew of "sarcastic/blunt" female narrators in the genre.

Oh, and a question: Is this story set in a public/private school in America or international school in India or someplace else?

Happy Writing,

Daphne :D
1/8/2012 c1 PJforever
Hello from the RG.

I liked how the cliffhanger in the end was set up. You built on it nicely and it ended the chapter on a good note.

What I don't like is how realistic your characters are... I know that might sound funny but I can relate to them way too much for my liking.

1/7/2012 c1 DutchAver
It's been a while since we last 'spoke' - mostly because you stopped updating The Mathews Scenario. I'm glad to see you're back, how did NaNoWriMo go for you? :)

If I have to be brutally honest with you, I had my doubts with the first chapters of your previous version of this story: you got better in time, but the first chapters weren't really good. But this chapter is, and I'm impressed by the development you've made over time. Maybe you introduce your characters a bit fast, but that's okay: you've done very well. I wonder if you're going to change the plot, compared to the first version.

I've spotted just one mistake:

'Acing ever Geography test' everY

Your Author's Note made me laugh, by the way - you seem to be a writer, whether you want it or not ;) I understand the timing of your promise, though - after NaNoWriMo, which I now finished twice, I always need to make a loooong break before I continue writing. I think my inspiration has a burn-out then.

Again, awesome chapter and I can't wait to read more!

(P.S. I posted a new story called I Never - could you return this review there? You may also continue reviewing Rooting for Romance, but since it's been a while since you last read that story...)
1/6/2012 c1 6Findus
Hi from the review game.

I remember reading the original first chapter of this, since I instantly remembered the duck and quack talk. I like the main character's whimsical voice. She comes across as a quirky and somewhat ditzy person which I suppose will be fun to contrast with the 'genius' :)... Though you might want to raise the number a notch (genius would fall somewhere beyond 140).

The dialogue is easy flowing and seems natural which is something I always appreciate. I especially liked the idea for Jacob's random information affliction. Could be a cute aspect to the whole trio thing and you seem to have the basis for a group of well rounded characters.

Only thing you might want to either cut or elaborate is the duck and quack discourse. It makes no sense and it doesn't add anything when it's just thrown in there in as 'Quacking is the epitome of cool.' I might be wrong but I thought you had a more well developed part in the original about the duck thing... Maybe bring it back or take it out all together. Like this it seems a bit disconnected. Hope any of this is helpful, because all in all I enjoyed this chapter very much.
1/5/2012 c1 31Laoch
An interesting first chapter, although it may of come off clearer if you had provided more details. As is, I'm floundering slightly.

As well, a few misspellings and grammar problems, nothing more then a letter where it shouldn't be or missing all together. Be careful. This line in particular was a bit gawky. [It's about not as fair as why chickens don't quack.] Even re reading, I'm a little confuse, perhaps you should remove the 'not'; it works a tad better.

On the other hand, the main characters friends, Jacob and Ann, seem credible and are both good contrasts. Keep them in the character you've already developed and they should be a great companion source of plot.

1/5/2012 c1 StoryMonster
Well well well. Guess who''s back. And, btw, the last story ftw. This is also good, but the last one has quite a few memories.

'... Acing EVERY geography test...' Not 'ever'.

'it was no secret that I was the shortest...' I believe you added an extra 'I' there.

Sorry, rebut I guess writing's kinda emphasized the importance of editing. *wry smile*

Not bad, though. I had to reread your last chapter and comparatively your style has improved. Like a lot. Did anyone edit for you? Anyhow, great job, would be nice of you actually completed this one, right? ;D

- StoryMonster, who is extremely proud of you right now.

PS. I would be reviewing from my account, but I forgot my password. =\
1/4/2012 c1 TBK6212
I can tell that this is going to be a good story; I really enjoyed this first chapter. You made two characters, Layne and Matthew, extremely lifelike and good. Layne was easy to connect to, and it was entertaining to read his narration. It was easy to imagine Matthew as an asshole, as he is a caricature of people I'm sure most of us have encountered.

If I had one bit of criticism, it's that the other characters are harder to connect to and don't really come to life for me. Not a big deal.
1/4/2012 c1 intowhisperinglights
The ending reminded me a little bit of AAO by Myrika. Don't know if you've read it but anyways, she was a pretty talented writer. So I've got some hopes for you.

I think it's entertaining to have all the pop culture references you have in your story, from the first line to your last couple but it diverts a little from the originality of your story and whatever quirky lines you may write. You could try to stick to using only one or two pop culture references in each chapter, unless it comes up in dialogue of course.

Also the schooling system seems a little off. Is it the Indian system or something? Cause I haven't heard of a 4.8 GPA.

The characters seem interesting but a little cliche. But I have yet to see what you have in store for them.

You seem like a Potterhead who's gotten through NaNoWriMo. So kudos to you! YWP or the adult program?
1/4/2012 c1 6IfWeWereInLove

After waiting for your latest update for almost 9 months now, I'm really glad you've decided to rewrite, if not continue quite exactly, with your story.


I can notice some minutiae changes here and there. A character name change and some character descriptions that have been altered. Maybe a little more flow and sophistication in your writing.

Nonetheless, I still enjoy the storyline and the characters. If I had any problems or little mishaps with the first chapter of your story last time, I certainly can't find much to complain about here.

Also congratulations on your participation and completion of NaNoWriMo! It's no easy feat and I think it's wonderful you pushed yourself to such an extent.

Keep writing!~
1/3/2012 c1 1swamp13
this is really goood! i love this! (:

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