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for Toy Story

1/8/2012 c1 10taerkitty
Summary: "Well, they didn't just get up and walk away." Her mother frowns. "You have to learn to take better care of your things, Marie." One-shot.

Not great. Between the title and this lead-in, I'm expecting something that's almost fanfic.


"He isn't there anymore."

Hm. This is a K+ piece, but my mind is going into some pretty dark places. But enough about the rating. In four sentences, you've given us a setting, a situation, and a protag/antag pair. Good opening - strong, compelling.


"One day, she will be a butterfly. [...] Tomorrow, there will be bruises."

Achingly hopeful. Very well done. Good duality.


"Her mother forces a smile."

Bruises imply visibility, and visibility implies complicity. Faking the smile here takes on a very sad light.


The empty toy box is unnerving. I sense that Marie tossed her toys out. Her mom's reaction saddens me - no real care that her daughter's toys are missing. May reflect more, but that may be me reading too much into it.


"The bear does not answer. Instead, he jumps."

The fact that the dolls are still in the dollhouse (so she isn't completely devoid of toys) is overlooked because of the understate strength in the interaction and dialogue between the child and her bear.

Hurling the dollhouse is another strong, wordless scream.


"Somewhere down the street, a dog barks."

Very sad ending. The cycle begins again (though small details may be changed - will the bear return? The dolls may react differently.) It ends as it begins, at once endless and numbing. By knowing what happened, the reader has changed, so the next time this story is read, it will engender different reactions.

Overall, a short and nicely-done piece. Sadly, the topic has been overdone, and most of the time poorly so. This isn't one of those times, but it may benefit from a better title, something not so easily mis-associated with the movie franchise. Glad to see you writing again, MS!

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