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1/21/2012 c1 3mtorchic
I like it! PLEASE update soon. I can't wait to read your next chapter!
1/15/2012 c1 1Serenity's Human
Likes:

Love the opening line, only thing I would personally change is "bloodstreams" to "bloodstream" - almost poetic the first and second lines.

Maybe Edit/Remove:

"weird guitar-bow thingy" - the word 'thingy' isn't actually a word and unless 'talking' perhaps shouldn't be used. 'thing' works just as well.

Areas a Bit Confused/Questioning/Ideas:

What is it like being high? Would become the next question. My writing teacher always told us, to explain the feeling. Otherwise the only people who will understand this will be those who have gotten high in their lifetime.

I would love to see a bit more into the dreamlike moments or even just how she had won first place.

Overall:

Very nice start, if it's a short story I would think of perhaps doing something a bit more with the end. Otherwise it's perfect start to add a 'second chapter'.

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If you would be so kind to return the favor and let me know what you think about my story n.n that would be great.

http:/www.fictionpress.com/s/2988494/1/The_First_Vampire
1/11/2012 c1 2Whitefire19
It was a good first chapter with interesting details. Very good description, but still, just like your other story, you need more exciting info to hook the reader. I know this isn't an action or thriller story, but you still need to catch the reader with incomplete, plot building info that makes them want to find out what happens next. They call that a hook. Just the same, you put a lot of information into very few words and introduced the main character masterfully. Like I said, I may just be hatin' cause I like action.

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