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for The First Vampire

7/13/2012 c9 1ScarletRose7865
I am impressed. I'm not one for short stories, they never tend to do justice to the characters or the plot. I feel short stories don't give enough time to describe all the things to make a really good read. But, I think you did very well, you had an intriguing story, with interesting characters (a little bit flat, but I think they were pretty good), and I enjoyed it. Good work.
3/27/2012 c9 1Guardian Phantom
So they won a battle that could just... end up makin' 'em lose in the future. Hmm, a little sad.

Is like... Gomorrah another version of Dracula? Sorry, just askin'.

Oohh, if the 'vampires' win and defeat the humans and the fae, then the world will be lost to darkness, huh? That'd be an interesting read...
3/27/2012 c8 Guardian Phantom
Wait... I thought she wanted to awaken the Fae's power in the humans to begin with... or am I getting confused? No, it was making the humans into a fae, huh?

It's so suspenseful, I like it :D.

I thought her father usually was angry because the previous chap said when he talked it felt like flames... maybe he's just showing sympathy...
3/27/2012 c7 Guardian Phantom
Whoa, defiantly not the vampires I was expecting... kinda of gross how the humans become food for them.

Hate to say it... but I guess Mother knows best, eh? But still...wonder what'll they do to stop this 'plague'.
3/27/2012 c6 Guardian Phantom
Oh, now it gets to the good stuff :). Gomorrah is a vampire now? Charming, she says... kind of freaky. But cool, I like this chap a lot :D
3/27/2012 c5 Guardian Phantom
When I first read it I was like 'how the heck or they gonna take his blood out and replace it?' but anyhow the 2nd paragraph answered that. Eww, his diet is... unappetizing.

Whoa, her parents let her do it? I'm not quite sure of the risk they're taking...

And Gomorrah is okay with this all? Well... he's a fallen soldier so I guess he doesn't care
3/27/2012 c4 Guardian Phantom
I like Chang'e's line at the end, sounds cool :).

Wonder what's gonna up to him?
3/15/2012 c3 Guardian Phantom
Ooh, she was willing to continue even if they tried to rebel? Oh, she's persistant.

And now she's gonna experiment on a relative... hmm
1/31/2012 c2 Guardian Phantom
Ah, a laboratory, eh, interesting, wonder what Chang'e'll do?

Hmm, even though her mom has more human in her, she seems to care less about them than Chang'e.
1/23/2012 c9 xXMethereaperXx
so now the hero must live with the weight of her failure...

a good ending to a great story. only complaint, i would have like to see more detail overall. maybe explain a bit more. however, i await what comes next from the mind of Serenity's Human!

Congrats.
1/23/2012 c8 xXMethereaperXx
Now, winding down to the end of your story, you have began to introduce the bases of a sequel... in my own opinion.

Now we have classes introduced, kind of like a game. it seems that you can pick a class and write a story revolving around a character of said class.

So now the hunt begins... where will it take us?
1/23/2012 c7 xXMethereaperXx
Now we have an second plot introduced, a seemingly failed experiment running rampant of society.

It would have been a good idea to go into detail about the events, maybe explain one of the times he began draining humans.

You may have done so in the next chapters, but i have not gotten there yet.
1/23/2012 c6 xXMethereaperXx
He truly wants. Gomorrah…"

*Was. i'm sure you meant that, just got mixed up when typing. I do it all the time ^^
1/23/2012 c5 xXMethereaperXx
Something i noticed, it seems slightly unbelievable that the male would be readily agreeable to go along with the experiment, let alone have no doubts about the process.

However, i believe this may come into play in future chapters.

One word usage problem i saw was: ...to hold down blood that he had to drank,

I think Drink would fit better, but it's nothing major enough to go back and re-do.
1/23/2012 c4 xXMethereaperXx
Now we have a vague description of the character, a good choice to build suspense. we need to know more about him, it keeps the readers who are on the fence about the story a reason to continue reading.
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