for Tunnels9/6/2012 c7 
287Archia
I really have to apologise for how long it's taken me to read this. I've been so busy and all my organising of everything has just seemed to of gone smush. So I am very sorry.
I'm still interested in this though, it was actually really nice to come back and read this and remember it all and the building excitement. They're almost there, soon and they're in the Tunnels.
I liked how much this chapter said about Ruth and Pierre, both parts showed a lot more about them. And poor Pierre. There's still a few typos along the way, just small easy things to pick up.
So, sorry it's taken me so long, but it's still coming along very nice. And since I've never read the Hunger Games I can read this and see no resemblance. It's totally new to me.
287ArchiaI really have to apologise for how long it's taken me to read this. I've been so busy and all my organising of everything has just seemed to of gone smush. So I am very sorry.
I'm still interested in this though, it was actually really nice to come back and read this and remember it all and the building excitement. They're almost there, soon and they're in the Tunnels.
I liked how much this chapter said about Ruth and Pierre, both parts showed a lot more about them. And poor Pierre. There's still a few typos along the way, just small easy things to pick up.
So, sorry it's taken me so long, but it's still coming along very nice. And since I've never read the Hunger Games I can read this and see no resemblance. It's totally new to me.
5/30/2012 c6 Archia
That last part gave me a laugh, pull not push. I'm quite interested to know how this training is going to go for Ruth, a bit of excitement there.
Oh and I enjoyed that dream that Pierre had, it certain;y shows his fear of it all, and the last line is great.
As this goes along it's getting better. There's less and less typos and the plots going along nicely. So are the characters. I like how each chapter says a bit more about each.
That last part gave me a laugh, pull not push. I'm quite interested to know how this training is going to go for Ruth, a bit of excitement there.
Oh and I enjoyed that dream that Pierre had, it certain;y shows his fear of it all, and the last line is great.
As this goes along it's getting better. There's less and less typos and the plots going along nicely. So are the characters. I like how each chapter says a bit more about each.
4/13/2012 c1 2CieloRayn
There are a few spelling errors where I know what you meant, but the spelling is off like when you said, "Only a few make it out aide." Though I know you meant alive. Yet this story sounds too much like The Hunger Games =\. Also your sentences don't flow together very well.
2CieloRaynThere are a few spelling errors where I know what you meant, but the spelling is off like when you said, "Only a few make it out aide." Though I know you meant alive. Yet this story sounds too much like The Hunger Games =\. Also your sentences don't flow together very well.
4/13/2012 c5 287Archia
A bit of luxury before going to face their deaths, nice.
Just one question; has Stanley turned up before, because the way it's said here it's like he has, though I can't remember reading about him earlier?
This was a nice chapter. I think though, a little more does need to happen. There was barely any activity here and it only brought in the setting instead of further developing the action.
I liked that last line of Pierre's part. It implies it's meaning without actually saying it.
Keep it up.
287ArchiaA bit of luxury before going to face their deaths, nice.
Just one question; has Stanley turned up before, because the way it's said here it's like he has, though I can't remember reading about him earlier?
This was a nice chapter. I think though, a little more does need to happen. There was barely any activity here and it only brought in the setting instead of further developing the action.
I liked that last line of Pierre's part. It implies it's meaning without actually saying it.
Keep it up.
4/13/2012 c9 10scribhneoir literatka
You (and SkyhawkC) are really good writers! Except for a little grammar here and there, you really do have a talent. The one thing that bothers me, is that it is close to the Hunger Games, a little too close really. I mean, you have a poor girl living in a poor community, and a more well off boy, with a unattentive mother and caring but gruff father. And they are both sent off into a teenager death match. You even have a snotty blonde girl with green eyes (almost exactly like Glimmer from The Hunger Games), people that are trained from a young age for the Tunnels (like the Career tributes), and a few other similarities. Maybe (and this is just a suggestion) you could take out some of the more glaring similarities, and it would become an excellent story, more inspired by the Hunger Games than copied.
10scribhneoir literatkaYou (and SkyhawkC) are really good writers! Except for a little grammar here and there, you really do have a talent. The one thing that bothers me, is that it is close to the Hunger Games, a little too close really. I mean, you have a poor girl living in a poor community, and a more well off boy, with a unattentive mother and caring but gruff father. And they are both sent off into a teenager death match. You even have a snotty blonde girl with green eyes (almost exactly like Glimmer from The Hunger Games), people that are trained from a young age for the Tunnels (like the Career tributes), and a few other similarities. Maybe (and this is just a suggestion) you could take out some of the more glaring similarities, and it would become an excellent story, more inspired by the Hunger Games than copied.
4/9/2012 c4 287Archia
""You all are on the 765 Steve and I walk around... " This got me confused, I think something's wrong here. From reading the rest I gathered that it switched to Pierre's view, and cut off Ruth's somewhere in that line. That's what I think.
Anyway, I still like how both characters say a little more about the world and what happens. I enjoyed Ruth's part on the train. Just one thing, you don't need to say "It's a girl, my age" well the age part because everyone's sixteen and that's already known.
I like the contrasts between the two lives of Ruth and Pierre, and how they're treated so differently.
I also liked the mysteriousness of Dai, since no one knows who she is.
This is getting along nicely, I'm quite enjoying it.
287Archia""You all are on the 765 Steve and I walk around... " This got me confused, I think something's wrong here. From reading the rest I gathered that it switched to Pierre's view, and cut off Ruth's somewhere in that line. That's what I think.
Anyway, I still like how both characters say a little more about the world and what happens. I enjoyed Ruth's part on the train. Just one thing, you don't need to say "It's a girl, my age" well the age part because everyone's sixteen and that's already known.
I like the contrasts between the two lives of Ruth and Pierre, and how they're treated so differently.
I also liked the mysteriousness of Dai, since no one knows who she is.
This is getting along nicely, I'm quite enjoying it.
4/5/2012 c3 287Archia
How horrific. Not the story, just the world, if it actually ever happened; how horrific. I like how this is in two different perspectives, and how both of you are each writing the different perspectives. What I thought was really good was how each perspective told a bit more about the place and why this is happening. This is going really nicely along, I can't wait to read more.
287ArchiaHow horrific. Not the story, just the world, if it actually ever happened; how horrific. I like how this is in two different perspectives, and how both of you are each writing the different perspectives. What I thought was really good was how each perspective told a bit more about the place and why this is happening. This is going really nicely along, I can't wait to read more.
4/1/2012 c2 Archia
This is a really nice start, well second start, start, I don't know. It's nice. I like how the setting is given as with what will happen and why.
I probably don't have any right to say this, because I've never read the Hunger Games, but it does seem to have a like ring to it. It was actually the word 'district' that did it. It was just that word that made me think of the Hunger Games.
I do like the idea that they're fighting because they're seen as unwanted, it's a good idea.
This is a really nice start, well second start, start, I don't know. It's nice. I like how the setting is given as with what will happen and why.
I probably don't have any right to say this, because I've never read the Hunger Games, but it does seem to have a like ring to it. It was actually the word 'district' that did it. It was just that word that made me think of the Hunger Games.
I do like the idea that they're fighting because they're seen as unwanted, it's a good idea.
4/1/2012 c1 Archia
This is a nice start, it really makes me want to read more and find out what is actually happening.
This is a nice start, it really makes me want to read more and find out what is actually happening.
4/1/2012 c1 4Solomon Sia
With a drawn out sigh, Mother reaches into her coin pouch and pulls out a few bills.
This seems erroneous.
The question is: will I be one of them. Should probably end in a question mark.
I would review more if I could! I find it a waste that the previous chapters have been deleted.
4Solomon SiaWith a drawn out sigh, Mother reaches into her coin pouch and pulls out a few bills.
This seems erroneous.
The question is: will I be one of them. Should probably end in a question mark.
I would review more if I could! I find it a waste that the previous chapters have been deleted.
3/31/2012 c2 1Ithinkilikecheese
This seems a lot like the old one, but my phone is acting stupid so I don't really know if this is the actual one. I'm gonna pm you about it
1IthinkilikecheeseThis seems a lot like the old one, but my phone is acting stupid so I don't really know if this is the actual one. I'm gonna pm you about it
3/4/2012 c1 reallyboredrightnow
Great job you guys, I read all of it, and I was like, "Wow, these two are really good writers!" Good luck, I'm adding this to my faves! :) :)
Great job you guys, I read all of it, and I was like, "Wow, these two are really good writers!" Good luck, I'm adding this to my faves! :) :)
2/26/2012 c2 Indicates
I like how the characters are actually sobbing, which doesn't exist in the HG, but still, why isn't there a revolution by now? Nobody seems to like this, and because the setting is never defined, I don't even know if it’s the poor people who disagree and the people in the "capital" are the ones who like it. But then their kids seem to be in it too, so per default, nobody should like it.
["Now, by law, I am to give you this speech. Ya'll had better listen, or I'll have ye thrown inter the Tunnels with yer ungrateful little brats!"]
This means that every kid in the entire world has to go into the tunnels, even the ones who are loyal to the government. So you're being punished...because...? And I see that the parents are punished too...why isn't there a rebellion by now? This has to make sense.
[The children of – what's this decrepit alley called? Oh yah, Enderville. ]
So these government officials don't know the places they're going to pick up children? And they live in an alley and not a town?
[Children around me congeal into a blubbering mass. I remain impassive.]
Why though? She sure seemed emotional. And why does she refer to the others' crying as a 'blubbering mass'? She's in there with them too! Is crying suddenly a weakness?
[You can do it," he says in a rather encouraging voice.]
I notice that the dad characters are awesome while the mom characters are either nonexistent or evil. If this becomes a pattern, then I'll start to worry.
["C'mon Pierre, you've been practicing all this time," he punches my shoulder. "No worries, buddy."]
See, this weird psycho family would only work if this was emphasized more, if these parents thought of it as a rite of passage, but again, I don't get that from the main character.
The addition of cyborgs is confusing. Is this a cyberpunk society? I really wish the setting was more defined so I would know what's going on and I don't get confused. And the cyborg sounds like a robot. A cyborg entails a human being implanted with cybernetic augmentations. A robot is not human; it’s a machine.
Now there's the letter.
The fact that the kids have to report to the Tunnels is weird in comparison to what just happened, when the kids were forced to go there in trains. I don't understand why this is so. It’s like one kid is able to go there by himself, but the ones with Ruth aren't. Does it have to do with class?
If this is about survival of the fittest, why are these kids given preparations? Why does it take seven days to prepare? What is a special suit? What does it do? What does it look like? What is it used for?
Then the thing that makes the least sense is that ten kids are allowed to survive.
If this is done in an international scale, then 10 kids in the entire population are allowed to be spared? This world would be extremely under populated. What's to stop these kids from overcoming the people who are oppressing them?
IF you were going for a "survival of the fittest", then don't have all the kids in the world who are 16 die because they didn't make it out of the tunnels. Don't add this "the first ten survive" because I already mentioned how little sense that makes. There should also be more emphasis on this kind of culture. It shouldn't be oppresive; it should be ritualized because then the people will willingly do this if its some kind of rite of passage. Its a suggestion, and I think something akin to that could work best in this story. It could also make the reason be more defined rather than the government is doing it for the evuls.
I like how the characters are actually sobbing, which doesn't exist in the HG, but still, why isn't there a revolution by now? Nobody seems to like this, and because the setting is never defined, I don't even know if it’s the poor people who disagree and the people in the "capital" are the ones who like it. But then their kids seem to be in it too, so per default, nobody should like it.
["Now, by law, I am to give you this speech. Ya'll had better listen, or I'll have ye thrown inter the Tunnels with yer ungrateful little brats!"]
This means that every kid in the entire world has to go into the tunnels, even the ones who are loyal to the government. So you're being punished...because...? And I see that the parents are punished too...why isn't there a rebellion by now? This has to make sense.
[The children of – what's this decrepit alley called? Oh yah, Enderville. ]
So these government officials don't know the places they're going to pick up children? And they live in an alley and not a town?
[Children around me congeal into a blubbering mass. I remain impassive.]
Why though? She sure seemed emotional. And why does she refer to the others' crying as a 'blubbering mass'? She's in there with them too! Is crying suddenly a weakness?
[You can do it," he says in a rather encouraging voice.]
I notice that the dad characters are awesome while the mom characters are either nonexistent or evil. If this becomes a pattern, then I'll start to worry.
["C'mon Pierre, you've been practicing all this time," he punches my shoulder. "No worries, buddy."]
See, this weird psycho family would only work if this was emphasized more, if these parents thought of it as a rite of passage, but again, I don't get that from the main character.
The addition of cyborgs is confusing. Is this a cyberpunk society? I really wish the setting was more defined so I would know what's going on and I don't get confused. And the cyborg sounds like a robot. A cyborg entails a human being implanted with cybernetic augmentations. A robot is not human; it’s a machine.
Now there's the letter.
The fact that the kids have to report to the Tunnels is weird in comparison to what just happened, when the kids were forced to go there in trains. I don't understand why this is so. It’s like one kid is able to go there by himself, but the ones with Ruth aren't. Does it have to do with class?
If this is about survival of the fittest, why are these kids given preparations? Why does it take seven days to prepare? What is a special suit? What does it do? What does it look like? What is it used for?
Then the thing that makes the least sense is that ten kids are allowed to survive.
If this is done in an international scale, then 10 kids in the entire population are allowed to be spared? This world would be extremely under populated. What's to stop these kids from overcoming the people who are oppressing them?
IF you were going for a "survival of the fittest", then don't have all the kids in the world who are 16 die because they didn't make it out of the tunnels. Don't add this "the first ten survive" because I already mentioned how little sense that makes. There should also be more emphasis on this kind of culture. It shouldn't be oppresive; it should be ritualized because then the people will willingly do this if its some kind of rite of passage. Its a suggestion, and I think something akin to that could work best in this story. It could also make the reason be more defined rather than the government is doing it for the evuls.
2/26/2012 c1 Indicates
Some concrit if you don't mind:
This entire story borrows heavily from "The Hunger Games", which you really shouldn't do for obvious reasons. Try to come up with your own creative spin.
Also, this story lacks any kind of setting. I don't get a feel where they are or how bad it really is.
Wooden Poles and fighting in general: I'm assuming they're using quarterstaffs, in which case this needs to be defined. The fighting scenes need to be defined more too because Ruth mentions she's hit, but not where (until later on where it mentions abdomen).
Why is Mother the typical subserviant character?
[It's empty, besides a small loaf of bread that has sprouted fuzzy black mold.]
If they're this poor and starving, then they wouldn't wait for the bread to get moldy, unless they buy moldy bread because that's all they can afford.
[The Market is the center of our dinky little town. The food and supplies there are cheap, and therefore terrible quality. Everyone in the district is poor]
This is pretty much from the HG book itself, and if everybody is poor, how can they make a business selling stuff? Who buys if people can barely afford food?
[We leave with another loaf of bread, some greens, and a slab of venison. Mother even pays for salt and spices for the meat.]
I don't buy that in the least. Venison is very good meat so it should be a lot more expensive. Why would this dinky market sell such high quality meat? I'm not even sure how much they bought since there's no quantity, but still. And where is this set in exactly where they can get venison?
["That alone is going to cost me an extra day of work."]
Just a day of work? Then they're eating well if dad only needs to work another day to make up for that twenty he lost. And how come mom isn't working?
["Go wash up, Ruth." Mother says, "I want you to wear something nice, not the scraps you usually have on."]
This contradicts the uneasy idea of dolling up their daughter to be slaughtered. Its not very realistic. Think about what it means for these characters in that situation. Would they behave this way?
[It's a hand sewn one of my mother's. It's made from a silky, white material that feels smooth on my skin when I put it on.]
You mean satin? How do you get a hold of that? Its expensive.
[Over the years, the Government has figured out that there aren't a lot of people who watch the annual Tunnels Speech Dai gives every year. Most people don't. I mean, really. Who would want to listen to a tedious announcement about the death of thousands of innocent children?]
And we're reaching more HG levels...
What made this passage worse was that the narrator was going in a good direction about how the people didn't want to watch children being slaughtered, but she mentions how that is 'tedious'. I could buy it if it was glorified, like this was supposed to be some kind of rite or religious purposes, but by the reactions of the characters, its obviously not. Its a punishment (HG again) and so 'tedious' still shouldn't come to mind.
[an old, broken TV that shows one channel, once a year]
Contradictory, unles this society has more than one channel.
[And to take it to the next level, they passed a law forcing every person to watch]
So what were they doing before? What's up with the Tunnels if nobody was watching it?
[You know something's wrong with the world when the Government wastes their time enforcing stupid laws like this one instead of dealing with world hunger and blah blah blah.]
Boy, this character loses credibility when she starts thinking in a first-world mindset in a third-world community. Again, think about how these characters would act to their stations.
[our world leader]
So she controls the entire planet? I hope there's an explanation for that. At least they're progressive and have elected a female leader.
["We are gathered here today, whether here with me or at home, to celebrate the annual test of the Tunnels. One week from tomorrow, every child of sixteen years will prepare to enter the maze. They will be given five days to find their way out."]
Why?
["The rest..." Dai continues, "Will be eliminated for the good of the population."]
What?
If this was the case, there would be a revolution immediately. Why? People will see no point to this. There is no choice here. You're just groomed and have to partipate. Why was this created? What is the point in this? Is it due to overpopulation to combat world hunger? If there's a problem with this, why not do what China did with One-Child law?
So what I'm trying to say is that none of that makes sense. At least in the HG there was a reson to subjegate all of the districts. Here, its just cause the government is doing it for the evuls.
The only part that I really liked was the Pierre section where mom isn't just subserviant, but she's cartoonishly evil and I got even more confused with the setting. So they have working taxis? where are they? Where are they living? What's going on?
Some concrit if you don't mind:
This entire story borrows heavily from "The Hunger Games", which you really shouldn't do for obvious reasons. Try to come up with your own creative spin.
Also, this story lacks any kind of setting. I don't get a feel where they are or how bad it really is.
Wooden Poles and fighting in general: I'm assuming they're using quarterstaffs, in which case this needs to be defined. The fighting scenes need to be defined more too because Ruth mentions she's hit, but not where (until later on where it mentions abdomen).
Why is Mother the typical subserviant character?
[It's empty, besides a small loaf of bread that has sprouted fuzzy black mold.]
If they're this poor and starving, then they wouldn't wait for the bread to get moldy, unless they buy moldy bread because that's all they can afford.
[The Market is the center of our dinky little town. The food and supplies there are cheap, and therefore terrible quality. Everyone in the district is poor]
This is pretty much from the HG book itself, and if everybody is poor, how can they make a business selling stuff? Who buys if people can barely afford food?
[We leave with another loaf of bread, some greens, and a slab of venison. Mother even pays for salt and spices for the meat.]
I don't buy that in the least. Venison is very good meat so it should be a lot more expensive. Why would this dinky market sell such high quality meat? I'm not even sure how much they bought since there's no quantity, but still. And where is this set in exactly where they can get venison?
["That alone is going to cost me an extra day of work."]
Just a day of work? Then they're eating well if dad only needs to work another day to make up for that twenty he lost. And how come mom isn't working?
["Go wash up, Ruth." Mother says, "I want you to wear something nice, not the scraps you usually have on."]
This contradicts the uneasy idea of dolling up their daughter to be slaughtered. Its not very realistic. Think about what it means for these characters in that situation. Would they behave this way?
[It's a hand sewn one of my mother's. It's made from a silky, white material that feels smooth on my skin when I put it on.]
You mean satin? How do you get a hold of that? Its expensive.
[Over the years, the Government has figured out that there aren't a lot of people who watch the annual Tunnels Speech Dai gives every year. Most people don't. I mean, really. Who would want to listen to a tedious announcement about the death of thousands of innocent children?]
And we're reaching more HG levels...
What made this passage worse was that the narrator was going in a good direction about how the people didn't want to watch children being slaughtered, but she mentions how that is 'tedious'. I could buy it if it was glorified, like this was supposed to be some kind of rite or religious purposes, but by the reactions of the characters, its obviously not. Its a punishment (HG again) and so 'tedious' still shouldn't come to mind.
[an old, broken TV that shows one channel, once a year]
Contradictory, unles this society has more than one channel.
[And to take it to the next level, they passed a law forcing every person to watch]
So what were they doing before? What's up with the Tunnels if nobody was watching it?
[You know something's wrong with the world when the Government wastes their time enforcing stupid laws like this one instead of dealing with world hunger and blah blah blah.]
Boy, this character loses credibility when she starts thinking in a first-world mindset in a third-world community. Again, think about how these characters would act to their stations.
[our world leader]
So she controls the entire planet? I hope there's an explanation for that. At least they're progressive and have elected a female leader.
["We are gathered here today, whether here with me or at home, to celebrate the annual test of the Tunnels. One week from tomorrow, every child of sixteen years will prepare to enter the maze. They will be given five days to find their way out."]
Why?
["The rest..." Dai continues, "Will be eliminated for the good of the population."]
What?
If this was the case, there would be a revolution immediately. Why? People will see no point to this. There is no choice here. You're just groomed and have to partipate. Why was this created? What is the point in this? Is it due to overpopulation to combat world hunger? If there's a problem with this, why not do what China did with One-Child law?
So what I'm trying to say is that none of that makes sense. At least in the HG there was a reson to subjegate all of the districts. Here, its just cause the government is doing it for the evuls.
The only part that I really liked was the Pierre section where mom isn't just subserviant, but she's cartoonishly evil and I got even more confused with the setting. So they have working taxis? where are they? Where are they living? What's going on?