for Precious Friendships6/23/2012 c3 
64PotoPerson
Boy did things just pick up! Interesting plot you've got going here.
I usually avoid terms like lol when I'm reviewing. But "They secretly cosplay!" made me LOL! XD
One little grammatical knit-picky thing, yhe beginning of the last section, you started using present tense "Tika licks out her tounge" for a second.
Other than that I was really able to follow this chapter better than before. I think you have your own rhythm to story telling that goes from point to point swiftly, keeping our attention. Great job, and I look forward to reading more :)
Keep on writing!;D
64PotoPersonBoy did things just pick up! Interesting plot you've got going here.
I usually avoid terms like lol when I'm reviewing. But "They secretly cosplay!" made me LOL! XD
One little grammatical knit-picky thing, yhe beginning of the last section, you started using present tense "Tika licks out her tounge" for a second.
Other than that I was really able to follow this chapter better than before. I think you have your own rhythm to story telling that goes from point to point swiftly, keeping our attention. Great job, and I look forward to reading more :)
Keep on writing!;D
6/23/2012 c2 PotoPerson
Random question I forgot from last chapter, where is this school? I mean, I sort of assumed Japanese at first since this manga and all and the main character's Japanese, then the school was called William McKinney like the American President, so... I'm curious.
Great job using correct format for the tags at the end of the quotes... English teacher like thing for me to comment on, but I just learned it myself so I just wanted to say... great job. :)
Hehehe... "I feel an evil aura emanating from her" funny...
Tasting it on his lips... that's a pretty good line. :)
One of those suggestions: Maybe you could specify who was there when Tara walked in, just a short list of names.
Awwww... Mathew and Kira... they're adorable. I really like their dynamic so far.
It gets a little confusing when you quickly switch between character's perspectives, mostly with the weight room scene. It got better next time. Just making it a little clearer when you've become another character would help the story a bit.
secret animal ear? Things are getting interesting...
I really like the transition to Tuesday sitting with them. Very funny :)
It was again, a little hard to follow at the end. It's all right to have just dialogue sections but adding a little extra narration in between when there's a lot of stuff going on makes it a little easier to follow.
Sorry if the last two reviews haven't been very coherent. They're being made without me having much sleep. God willing I'll be back to review the last chapter. I'm really getting a bit intrigued here...
Random question I forgot from last chapter, where is this school? I mean, I sort of assumed Japanese at first since this manga and all and the main character's Japanese, then the school was called William McKinney like the American President, so... I'm curious.
Great job using correct format for the tags at the end of the quotes... English teacher like thing for me to comment on, but I just learned it myself so I just wanted to say... great job. :)
Hehehe... "I feel an evil aura emanating from her" funny...
Tasting it on his lips... that's a pretty good line. :)
One of those suggestions: Maybe you could specify who was there when Tara walked in, just a short list of names.
Awwww... Mathew and Kira... they're adorable. I really like their dynamic so far.
It gets a little confusing when you quickly switch between character's perspectives, mostly with the weight room scene. It got better next time. Just making it a little clearer when you've become another character would help the story a bit.
secret animal ear? Things are getting interesting...
I really like the transition to Tuesday sitting with them. Very funny :)
It was again, a little hard to follow at the end. It's all right to have just dialogue sections but adding a little extra narration in between when there's a lot of stuff going on makes it a little easier to follow.
Sorry if the last two reviews haven't been very coherent. They're being made without me having much sleep. God willing I'll be back to review the last chapter. I'm really getting a bit intrigued here...
6/23/2012 c1 PotoPerson
Hello!
Well, you've got a pretty good foundation to the story itself. You've got your romances, tension, and characters well established. I like that each one has a distinct "voice" that differentiates each one from another. Also, the hair color. I like that, and the setting: a school where cultures come to clash. Excellent.
A few suggestions (of course, suggestions are suggestions, you can take them or leave them, my job is just to offer them): When you go from the first little blurb about breakfast to the second little blurb about heading to school and it just begins with him groveling in pain it threw me off a little. I didn't quite know what was going on. I can sort of assume that she probably hit him, but you might want to be a little more clear.
This is a little picky of me, but it's only cos I've taken Spanish and since I assume Maria's a native Spanish speaker it may be important, correct grammar for her opening sentence is "Hola, mis amigos. Como estan?" (s at the end of mi because amigos is plural and n at the end of estan because she's addressing a group of people)
When you want a character to sigh or go wide eyed it's probably be better just to say "She sighed. 'Good point', she moaned" or "Tara blinked, her eyes wide with confusion. "Wow," Or something to that affect.
Overall pretty good. There's a lot you can do with this story. I love that there's so much diversity in the character's attitudes and appearances. Just when you're introducing a whole bunch/having a whole bunch in one conversation just make sure it's really clear what's happening. You did a good job of that overall, just in a story with a lot of characters (like a lot of stories I've ended up writing) that's an easy trap to fall into.
Time to read some more of this...
Hello!
Well, you've got a pretty good foundation to the story itself. You've got your romances, tension, and characters well established. I like that each one has a distinct "voice" that differentiates each one from another. Also, the hair color. I like that, and the setting: a school where cultures come to clash. Excellent.
A few suggestions (of course, suggestions are suggestions, you can take them or leave them, my job is just to offer them): When you go from the first little blurb about breakfast to the second little blurb about heading to school and it just begins with him groveling in pain it threw me off a little. I didn't quite know what was going on. I can sort of assume that she probably hit him, but you might want to be a little more clear.
This is a little picky of me, but it's only cos I've taken Spanish and since I assume Maria's a native Spanish speaker it may be important, correct grammar for her opening sentence is "Hola, mis amigos. Como estan?" (s at the end of mi because amigos is plural and n at the end of estan because she's addressing a group of people)
When you want a character to sigh or go wide eyed it's probably be better just to say "She sighed. 'Good point', she moaned" or "Tara blinked, her eyes wide with confusion. "Wow," Or something to that affect.
Overall pretty good. There's a lot you can do with this story. I love that there's so much diversity in the character's attitudes and appearances. Just when you're introducing a whole bunch/having a whole bunch in one conversation just make sure it's really clear what's happening. You did a good job of that overall, just in a story with a lot of characters (like a lot of stories I've ended up writing) that's an easy trap to fall into.
Time to read some more of this...