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for Celestial Reign: Baying for the Moon

8/3/2013 c32 30inwardtransience
[...to remind everyone that they were all in on for the long haul and wanted best for the country...]
"in it for" "the best" Although I don't really like the use of this idiom anyway.

[...cat was regulated to a large space in the gardens...]
lol "relegated"

[...them about the new laws she drafted.]
"had drafted"
[Usually the Council held some form of civility since Ileana took over...]
"had taken over"
[...all Hell would break loose if anyone asked how it happened.]
"had happened"

[...they would find out in a rather awkward away.]

[...or be able to pinpoint who said such a hateful thing.]
"had said"

[Chuachin cannot claim to be so tolerate and then kill itself...]

I was thinking this was a pretty meh chapter. More baby stuff, more country stuff. Most things could have used more description. And then there was the preaching at the end. I really don't like the preaching. It turned this chapter from one I just felt meh about into one I disliked. I just...bad preaching. Bad.
Almost done.
8/3/2013 c31 inwardtransience
[ lighting ceremony candles and then dipping]

[...I truly believe in are the one's my wife worships.]

[...which is virtually impossible as she a female and so am I.]
Missing "is"

[...but I will do whatever I can do serve you and your names well.]
Either add "to" or change "do"

[Xol's chest felt tight and she could not breath. ]

[And here it is I thought you were the tough one...]
This wording is pretty confused.

[Once Xol regarded consciousness...]
lol "regained"

[ If it wasn't for you two...]

[...almost as if she was trying to figure...]

[Miss Olga was in a way very tradition...]

I felt pretty meh about this chapter too. Even though something pretty big happened in it. I didn't really like how their prayers were worded. The dialog was awkward. Little narration where it could have been used to great effect. All around meh.
Meh seems to be my opinion on most of these chapters doesn't it xD
8/2/2013 c30 inwardtransience
[Mei might not have gotten curious if only Xol did not press her for the ritual...]
"had not pressed"

[...you will bake it into small cake...]
Missing "a"
[It is just a like when a man and a woman try to have a baby.]
Extra "a" this time. Oh how they migrate.

[The tattoo of a circle that was half darkened in made her blink before she followed through with her idea.]
Um. I'm not sure what's going on here.

[...looking like she was rolling around in one of the many nearby bogs.]
"had been"

["It's a long story, involving the gods, Ileana, me, and the want of a baby along with flowers and baking."
"Why is it that you never make sense when you go about something on your own?"]

["Get me a grandkid!"
"Then you'll really be an elder."
"I'll take it for a grandkid!"]

[Ileana was putting things away from the evening...]

[Xol held up her bounty as if it was the precious thing to ever exist.]
Missing "most"

[Xol held herself up on arm while the other moved to sweetly fondle her beloved.]
"up on one arm"

[...so she made due.]

[...bouncing bits...]

More sex. It didn't seem very well written to me this time, but I'm not the best judge of sexy stuff, so grain of salt. This just felt meh to me again. But most all of this story is meh, so you're probably getting tired of hearing me say that. The little bit with Fry was kinda funny. Other than that, meh.
Onwards and blah blah blah.
8/2/2013 c29 inwardtransience
Poor Xol :c

[...now that the daijinn and the humans decided that they could not get along.]
"had decided"

[His voice boomed through out the room and his thin, feline-like tale thrashed behind him, making his whole body seemed angry.]
Whoops. "tail" "seem"

[She's mated to the Queen, who may will also be divine if her marks mean anything...]
Delete "will"

[Leave the one places that's put you in chains and pull your reins every damn chance they get!]
"Leave the one place that hasn't put" "pulled"

[Don't try to make this less of what it is.]

I get a little more annoyed by the "build up" / "tear down" contrast every time it happens.

[Ileana's head shot up at the sound her mother's voice.]
Missing "of"
[Ileana, one argument does not drop you to the bottom her favorite person list..]
Missing "of"

[...Ileana answered and she recounted the tale that Xol told her...]
"had told"

[...who can shot fire...]

[...ridiculous as the legend that Xol told the other night.]
"had told"

[The smile that light up Xol's face could have rivaled the light from the sun.]

Plenty of preaching in this one. All that preaching is a big reason I don't really like Baying for the Moon. This was a meh chapter again. I might have thought it was okay if it weren't for all that preaching in the middle and the dialog tags, which are getting more on my nerves as time goes on. I am tired of "declared" and "inquired" xD
Onwards and forwards.
8/2/2013 c28 inwardtransience
I like how Xol keeps swearing when Ileana isn't around lol

[...secretly held hostilities toward the daijinn and that were likely to come out after a few drinks.]
Delete "and"

[If it was anything like what happened in the previous years...]
"had happened"

[They got the feeling that it had to do with a lot of people felt like their wedding symbolized...]

[...servants gave the Consort a scolding and judgmental looks for an entire month.]
Delete "a"

["Yu would never say anything like that because he's seen me on the battlefield. I am not adorable."
"Continue what you were saying, adorable."]

[All of the guests made a show of the gifts that they brought with them...]
"had brought"

[...neither she nor Xol could figure out what Arrigo was up with getting married.]
Missing "to"

[...then get then hell out of our nation.]
Extra "n"

[...grinned as she saw that Ileana got her comfortable shoes.]
"had gotten"
[...amulet that Xol decided to use as a gift.]
"had decided"

Poor Xol :c
This was a pretty meh chapter again, with some unnecessary recapping and preaching. I do like how even after all she's improved, Xol still isn't 100% better. At least that's the way I interpret her crying over something so simple. I could have used more narration on that, which would have been able to validate or repudiate my theory, but that's okay. I'm used to the scarcity of description, even if it still makes me a little sad. So much potential...
Anyway. Meh chapter. Onwards and forwards.
8/2/2013 c27 inwardtransience
[...but the most part, there neighbors had become allies of sorts in at least trade.]
"but for the"

[They also made good use of the money that came from the wars four years ago...]
"had come"
[She never expected to run into an argument between vendors, though.]
"had never"

[At least one of you know to respect the Chief...]

[...because she did not know that she was expected to come bearing gifts.]
"had not known"

[Also, the daijinn would never forgive you if divorced the Consort.]
"you if you"

[...were able to look at reproducing as much part of their job as monarch.]
"as a part"

[They were both sneakier than Massimo ever was.]
"had been"
[Most of the state guards were part-time until Ileana could find out why the crime rate had gone up so much. When she found out, it was easy enough to handle, but it left her close circle wanting revenge with Arrigo. They got their wish by turning the men he paid and helped those men con Arrigo out of much of his wealth.]
"had been" "had found" "had been easy" "had left" "had gotten" "helping"
[...and every problem that came her way during her reign.]
"had come" but I think it might be optional
[Just like when she was in Basilinar...]
"had been"

[ I didn't know being married meant giving a present every year on the day we got married. Who thinks of this stuff?]

[The smaller daijinn bowed a little a sign of thanks...]
"little as a"

Another chapter that was pretty meh. There was a bit of preaching again, which you know I don't like. Xol getting all anxious about an anniversary gift is adorable. I kinda feel bad for her again. The heir thing is a realistic little concern to bring up, and the Councilwoman managed to annoy me a bit. Of course Ileana did too, blowing up on her like that, but oh well. Anyway, meh chapter.
Onwards and forwards.
8/2/2013 c26 inwardtransience
[...who suddenly found Ileana's lap the most comfortable place in the world lately.]
"had suddenly found"

[I do not think your brothers are silly enough to try the same thing that Massimo did...]
...Yes, I suppose silly is a word for it.

[...purposely turning the conversation to her grandfather.]

[Lucia nodded and took a deep of breath.]
Extra "of"

[The battle was not what the Chuachin military expected.]
"had expected"

[She should have been in the bed.]
Extra "the"

[...especially soon you will undoubtedly have to negotiate the peace between us and your father]
"especially since soon"?

[...Xol was almost scared of herself and she hoped that what they described was not truly what she seemed like when using her blessing.]
Starting to figure out you're scary as shit, huh?

[...Ileana remarked as she snuggled into Xol warm, nude body.]

[...reminding her of when she was younger and she thought the cape was alive.]
"she had been" (optional) "had thought" (not optional)

[...he was clearly thinner than he used to be.]
"had used"
[...she was willing to bet that he showed up to intimidate her.]
"had showed up"
[She had learned from others that he made a lot of wild promises and spoke of massive treasures from his conquest of Chuachin, which of course did not happen.]
"had made" "spoken" "had not happened"
[In the end, Ileana and Xol got everything they wanted and were more...]
"had gotten" (optional) "had wanted" (not optional)
[They had the final word with the king.]
"had had"

This chapter seems rushed in some places. I mean, a lot happens in it. I think this could have used a little more with Vladimir, too. Their problems with Vladimir were hanging over everyone's heads in the Tears of the Sun, and just having this little bit to close it doesn't feel like it lives up to expectations. It just feels like a...I don't know. Less than it could be.
Part two done yaaaaaay
8/2/2013 c25 inwardtransience
[...even after she sent Massimo away to be exiled...]
"had sent"

[...to a letter that had arrived away few days ago.]
Delete "away"

[...Xol had a good idea as to who spilled the beans.]
"had spelled"
[Any captured officers could bring a rich random, as many of the Cersan officers proved.]
"ransom" and "had proven"
[The last war, it was difficult scraping together everything that the military needed.]
"had been difficult" "had needed"

[They have ships build for traveling on rivers...]

Aaaaaand Vladimir is still an asshat. Not surprising.
Another meh chapter. There was some preachiness again, but not overmuch. Everything was as it usually is. I'm not sure I very much like the decision to have them go to war twice in such quick succession, but it's not that big of a deal. I giggle whenever Xol swears.
Anyway, onwards and forwards.
8/2/2013 c24 inwardtransience
[...through the city to palace where the Queen met them.]
Missing "the"

[...all of the loot that they brought back from the battles.]
"had brought"
[But, the war united them all with a common cause, common concern, and a common enemy.]
"had united"
[She liked that the Cersans were reminded that they were defeated quite soundly.]
"had been defeated"
[He looked like what she expected.]
"had expected"

[...and being on the first name basis with them.]

[...as if Adan did not realize what happened because he was looking around...]
"had happened"
[...every single thing and beyond that she and her people agreed on...]
"had agreed"
[Second, she demanded that Cersa return the land that they conquered...]
"had conquered" but I think that verb is a little stranger here anyway
[After all, he thought that he was going to come into their country...]
"had thought"
[...and his eyes widened as he realized what he said.]
"had said"

[...as if protecting her from the barbed insults that had past.]

[While Ileana was not likely abuse it or purposely hurt anyone...]
"likely to"

[Xol knew was an inheritance from her father...]
"knew that was"

[...while Vladimir did seemed to get a certain amount of glee...]
"had seemed" or "did seem"

[...but she knew that was the case.]
"that would be"

[The request for low tariffs and markets for trade and Cersa were also granted.]
"with Cersa"

This chapter was better. There was a little more narration than usual, and the dialog seemed a little less forced. It was nice seeing Ileana and Xol throwing their weight around a little. Well, maybe more than a little xD There were still a couple moments of preaching, but they didn't detract from the chapter too much. Overall, an okay chapter.
8/2/2013 c23 inwardtransience
[...long before her group that defended Basilinar.]
"had defended"

[Her eyes shined and she felt like...]
While "shined" is technically correct, it sounds really weird to me. I use "shone"

Another chapter I was meh about. Things that could have used plenty of description, like Xol snapping, got not nearly enough. Actually, how Xol feels channeling the tears could use more description in general. I can not imagine what that would feel like, and I don't get much of an impression of it from the way you write. I've mostly filled it in with my own imagination, but it's probably different from what you intend. Anyway, meh chapter, could have used more description.
And I'm going to bed.
8/2/2013 c22 inwardtransience
[There were ships handing toward Basilinar and Ro Ryuon..]
Wrong body part lol

[The soldiers had come to respect her after she showed off her brain...]
"had showed off"

[Xol nodded when he inspection was done.]
Missing an "r"

[...just a little lighter than the last time he saw them.]
"had seen"
[They were much lighter than when they first got into the country.]
"had first gotten"

[They had already fell several trees...]
"felled" I know it sounds funny, but it's right.

[It was mistake.]
"had been a"

[...were gone before the enemy realized what they had done. Unfortunately, all of their hits were not that clean.]
"had been gone" "had realized" "had not been"
[...considering the rush training that they had.]
"had had"

[Wait, are you trying to say my beloved cannot read or write?]
Wait. Wait wait. Wasn't she playing around reading and writing on scrolls back in Tears of the Sun? O_o

[...west and then look the battlefield over.]

A little thicker narration this time, not surprisingly. This chapter was a little better, I guess. It was still less description than I would like, but better. But then there was that preaching at the end. You do like to do that. This story is full of it. One of the reasons I don't like it as much as the first one.
One more before I pass out, I think.
8/2/2013 c21 inwardtransience
[The royal tour of the country was over quickly as they made it a point to only be gone for three months.]
"had made"
[It was just as destitute as Basilinar had been and they took to improvements just as eagerly as Basilinar did.]
"It had been" "had taken to" "had" (the second two are optional)

[She would have it restored to its past glory.]
The phrase is usually "former glory"

[I am very adapt at living in a fast paced city.]
Not sure what you were going for here. "adept at"? "adapted to"?

] At first, Xol thought it was ridiculous because she never really used an office before...]
"had never really used"

[Honestly, we have over ten...]
I'm not sure "honestly" makes sense here.

[He had a sharp mind that intrigued Xol the moment that she spoke to him.]
"had intrigued" "had spoken"
[ It helped that he showed her respect before even realizing that she was the Consort.]
"had shown"
[...she knew that she was right in giving him the chance.]
"had been right"

[He was another noble young man that showed promise...]
"young nobleman"

[She found a bunch of hungry young men...]
"had found"

[He was Dario and Xol had to bring him along...]
"had had to"
[...actual former general he was playing again.]
"had been playing against"
[After speaking with him, she found that his mind went beyond analytical.]
"had found"

[...one of the two women that Xol enlisted.]
Missing a "said"

[...while she was away.]
"had been"

It gets really confusing when you have the dialog tag after a long block of text. I can't tell who's talking until the end.

[Ileana was surprised that she finished her meetings before Xol was done with hers...]
"had finished"

[It is time for us to grow, rise up, and blossom into beautiful flowers...]

[Leon was doing his best to not to appear bored...]
Delete a "to"

[...who's replies were copied.]

Finally getting Massimo. Took a few chapters. The dialog at the end there was really awkward, and it strongly detracted from the scene for me. This chapter was also pretty meh. Lots of awkward dialog, more external conflict. The only reason I'm sticking with this is a dedication to finishing my reviews, and a little bit just because I still like Xol. If not for those, I would have quit by now.
8/2/2013 c20 inwardtransience
[...they would have to send Yu through the swamp for him to sketch the wild life.]
Delete "for him"

[She supposed that was why she moved her tribe out of that dark, stifling cave so many years ago.]
"had moved"

["They would still hear us."
"Yeah, they would," she boasted.]

[...had also invited everyone to picnic that she planned.]
"a picnic" " had planned"
[...because the town was just as rundown as she expected.]
"had expected"

That was a really awkward little speech. I wouldn't have cheered for it.

[When she was the chief of her tribe...]
"had been"

[...they did live in a country where there were probably no more than five hundred thousand people in the first place.]
Five hundred thousand is kind of a lot, for this level of communication and transportation.

[...slightly bigger than the one they left back in Basilinar.]
"had left"
[...yet they looked more pathetic than the group back at Basilinar ever did.]
"ever had"

This is more of the same. Thin narration, lots of dialog. There was a fair amount of preachiness with the daijinn. I'm not getting used to it. Whenever Xol or Ileana talk about how they feel about each other it always sounds so forced and fake to me, but maybe that's just because I don't know how couples talk when they're happy. Says a lot about me, huh? The dialog between them is a little smoother though, so that's a plus. Overall, I still feel pretty meh about this chapter too.
8/2/2013 c19 inwardtransience
[...but Ileana was more than thankfully for the servant's treachery.]

[No, if I was...]
"if it were"

[Still, those men that fought under Massimo...]
"had fought"
[There were more men than Xol expected and she just studied them for a moment.]
"had expected"
[...taking notes as Xol filled her in on what happened at the meeting.]
"had happened"

[She would let the swearing slid since it seemed like Xol was getting through better than she had.]

["Go the village and we will send the physician.]
Missing "to"

[Her tone was mocking and she regretted it the instance she said it...]

[...or actually loyal to Massimo for whatever reason.]
This made me giggle. I don't know why.

[Ileana smiled because Xol managed to avoid swearing.]
"had managed"
[...even though Ileana told her to take sons.]
"had told"
[She also took five of the original men that presented themselves as generals.]
"had presented"

[...even though Xol's instinctively knew all of her picks were with them.]

As usual, thin narration, lots of dialog. When I first saw the blockiness of the paragraphs at the end I was a little hopeful, but it turned out to just be a big summary, so oh well. There was some preaching again, with the healers. Seeing Xol with the army stuff will be interesting, because it's clearly what she's built for. She is blessed by a warrior goddess, after all. Another pretty meh chapter for me.
8/2/2013 c18 inwardtransience
[...made things much more wide reaching.]
"far reaching" would probably sound more natural.

[She learned about one of Xol's other talents from when she was a leader.]
"had been a leader"

[...was getting life breathed back into with those businesses.]
Missing "it"
[Ileana actually encouraged the idea that daijinn live Basilinar rather than the daijinn village.]
Missing "in"

[...which caused an bit of a problem in the daijinn community...]
[...but the meat could be used to. ]

[They loved what they were doing and why there were doing it.]
Whoops. "they"

[She was certain that she heard wrong...]
"had heard"

[...gazing around in wander while following Yu...]

[...on their little island when she left.]
"had left"
[She never imagined that she would see her former companion ever again.]
"had never imagined"

[ I just want to make sure its clear that Xol is my mate and my wife...]

[...and you know what she is capable.]
"capable of" or "that she is"

[One in the same.]

[She could not believe it. Her uncle was beyond a malcontent. He was a traitor.]
I'm not sure if you should be that surprised, Ileana xD
Another meh chapter. I somewhat liked the denser narration at the beginning. The presentation if not the content. It's a little odd to me how more or less smoothly everything is going, and maybe a little boring. I know there are problems coming up, but I think it's a little odd how nice everything is running. Maybe that's just me. I think it's odd that Cersa would choose now, as the country is starting to get back on its feet, to attack, but oh well. Lots of odd things, I guess.
Onwards and forwards.
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