for Celestial Reign: Baying for the Moon8/1/2013 c17 
30inwardtransience
[Imagining what it will like if you could have a baby,]
"Imagining what it would be like if you could have a baby?"
[The daijinn refuse to give up the secret on how its made...]
"it's"
[They wasted no time working up hard and heavy rhythm.]
"up a hard"
[...wanting to get as many trade agreements and allies as she could up with.]
I'm not sure what that's supposed to say.
[... make the country as great as it once was, if not better.]
"had once been"
[His face light up at that, even though he was aware of that the land was there for the daijinn now.]
Firstly, "lit". Secondly...huh?
[ I met with some of the daijinn and found out things that they had items to trade...]
Delete "things"
[...communications with everywhere else in the country needs to get better...]
"need"
[...so if she was looking for engineers...]
"were"
Another meh chapter. I think the way they talked during the sex part was really, really weird, but I'm not a great basis for that kind of thing, so I don't know. Other than that, this was pretty much a bunch of dialog I don't have a lot to say about.
So yeah.
30inwardtransience[Imagining what it will like if you could have a baby,]
"Imagining what it would be like if you could have a baby?"
[The daijinn refuse to give up the secret on how its made...]
"it's"
[They wasted no time working up hard and heavy rhythm.]
"up a hard"
[...wanting to get as many trade agreements and allies as she could up with.]
I'm not sure what that's supposed to say.
[... make the country as great as it once was, if not better.]
"had once been"
[His face light up at that, even though he was aware of that the land was there for the daijinn now.]
Firstly, "lit". Secondly...huh?
[ I met with some of the daijinn and found out things that they had items to trade...]
Delete "things"
[...communications with everywhere else in the country needs to get better...]
"need"
[...so if she was looking for engineers...]
"were"
Another meh chapter. I think the way they talked during the sex part was really, really weird, but I'm not a great basis for that kind of thing, so I don't know. Other than that, this was pretty much a bunch of dialog I don't have a lot to say about.
So yeah.
8/1/2013 c16 inwardtransience
[...Yu to translate what he said before she began her retort.]
"had said"
[...your people together those you share a nation with.]
Missing a "with"
[...of what her beloved was like when she was the chief of a whole tribe.]
"had been like" "had been the"
[...looking as nervous as Ileana predicted. ]
"had predicted"
[Many people do not seem to believe its true.]
"it's"
[He sprinkled them with water and when they did not burst into flames...]
lololol
Didn't really like this chapter. It was preachy again. Mostly with the bit at the compound. You do a lot of that in this story, the preaching stuff, and it annoys me pretty quickly. Getting to see the marriage rituals of the two cultures was interesting enough to hold the chapter for me. The dialog was more awkward than usual in a few places, like at Ileana's "proposal". That was just...weird. But yeah. Average chapter.
[...Yu to translate what he said before she began her retort.]
"had said"
[...your people together those you share a nation with.]
Missing a "with"
[...of what her beloved was like when she was the chief of a whole tribe.]
"had been like" "had been the"
[...looking as nervous as Ileana predicted. ]
"had predicted"
[Many people do not seem to believe its true.]
"it's"
[He sprinkled them with water and when they did not burst into flames...]
lololol
Didn't really like this chapter. It was preachy again. Mostly with the bit at the compound. You do a lot of that in this story, the preaching stuff, and it annoys me pretty quickly. Getting to see the marriage rituals of the two cultures was interesting enough to hold the chapter for me. The dialog was more awkward than usual in a few places, like at Ileana's "proposal". That was just...weird. But yeah. Average chapter.
8/1/2013 c15 inwardtransience
Me again.
[I helped wipe away every great thing we ever did,..]
That should probs be "had"
[/I/ am them.]
That should probs be "I /am/ them"
[...hiding behind tradition to conseal the fact...]
"conceal"
[Every now and then, she tried to come out of the shell...]
Missing "her"
[...her grandfather had been quietly suggest that she do...]
"suggested"
[...reminded about your difference when Xol is always at your side.]
"differences"
[...she reminded everyone of griping kitten...]
Missing "a"
[Before, no one bothered her about it...]
"had bothered"
[The confessions did take a long time, as Lucia said.]
"had said"
["Anyone could do this things!"]
Whoops.
[How could do that?]
Missing "you"
Not much I can say about this one that I haven't already said. But around here, and a couple points earlier on, is when this story starts feeling really preachy to me. Not always directed at the reader, but between characters. I don't know, maybe it's just the tone of the dialog that makes it feel that way to me. But it's one of the major problems with this story.
While on the one hand, I like that Xol has gone from being a slave to the co-ruler of a large country, I don't really like that they ascended to the throne so rapidly. It just seems odd to me. I suppose they managed to do a lot in so little time, but still.
Anyway, onward.
Me again.
[I helped wipe away every great thing we ever did,..]
That should probs be "had"
[/I/ am them.]
That should probs be "I /am/ them"
[...hiding behind tradition to conseal the fact...]
"conceal"
[Every now and then, she tried to come out of the shell...]
Missing "her"
[...her grandfather had been quietly suggest that she do...]
"suggested"
[...reminded about your difference when Xol is always at your side.]
"differences"
[...she reminded everyone of griping kitten...]
Missing "a"
[Before, no one bothered her about it...]
"had bothered"
[The confessions did take a long time, as Lucia said.]
"had said"
["Anyone could do this things!"]
Whoops.
[How could do that?]
Missing "you"
Not much I can say about this one that I haven't already said. But around here, and a couple points earlier on, is when this story starts feeling really preachy to me. Not always directed at the reader, but between characters. I don't know, maybe it's just the tone of the dialog that makes it feel that way to me. But it's one of the major problems with this story.
While on the one hand, I like that Xol has gone from being a slave to the co-ruler of a large country, I don't really like that they ascended to the throne so rapidly. It just seems odd to me. I suppose they managed to do a lot in so little time, but still.
Anyway, onward.
8/1/2013 c14 inwardtransience
[The group was standing just in front of all of the land that they managed to clear over the months, the rows that they managed to sow, the houses that they managed to build...]
"had managed" x3 combo
[She knew something happened at the daijinn compound months ago, but Xol never said what it was.]
"had happened" "had never said"
[ Ever since they began dealing with the Xokoatl tribe...]
"had begun"
[...Vincenzo announced dining began along with music playing.]
These should be separate sentences.
[I hope she stays interested in us and let's us be in this nation like she said she would.]
Whoops
[They shared a look with Kwen and silently communicating their understanding of the other daijinn.]
Communicating? Either change that to "communicated" or turn "and" into a comma.
[Xol was drawing them in the same way that she drew in members of her tribe.]
"had drawn"
[After all, Viktor his heir and Ileana is some sort of criminal...]
Missing an "is"
Not really a lot to say. Same thin narration and awkward dialog, though a little less awkward than usual. I do think it's nice that the daijinn aren't entirely sure what to think of Xol, and can't quite agree on it, instead of just leaping to follow her. Ileana's uncles being all over her is starting to get a little old, considering they pretty much say the same things over and over, but a good portion of the characters are getting tired of it too, so that's probably intentional. Another chapter I felt meh about.
It's 8 am. I'm going to sleep.
[The group was standing just in front of all of the land that they managed to clear over the months, the rows that they managed to sow, the houses that they managed to build...]
"had managed" x3 combo
[She knew something happened at the daijinn compound months ago, but Xol never said what it was.]
"had happened" "had never said"
[ Ever since they began dealing with the Xokoatl tribe...]
"had begun"
[...Vincenzo announced dining began along with music playing.]
These should be separate sentences.
[I hope she stays interested in us and let's us be in this nation like she said she would.]
Whoops
[They shared a look with Kwen and silently communicating their understanding of the other daijinn.]
Communicating? Either change that to "communicated" or turn "and" into a comma.
[Xol was drawing them in the same way that she drew in members of her tribe.]
"had drawn"
[After all, Viktor his heir and Ileana is some sort of criminal...]
Missing an "is"
Not really a lot to say. Same thin narration and awkward dialog, though a little less awkward than usual. I do think it's nice that the daijinn aren't entirely sure what to think of Xol, and can't quite agree on it, instead of just leaping to follow her. Ileana's uncles being all over her is starting to get a little old, considering they pretty much say the same things over and over, but a good portion of the characters are getting tired of it too, so that's probably intentional. Another chapter I felt meh about.
It's 8 am. I'm going to sleep.
8/1/2013 c13 inwardtransience
[They're not too sure if they would want anything for humans, though.]
"from"
[...which would make their lives easily.]
"easier"
[The conference room...]
I'm not entirely sure, but I think you meant to say "In the conference room"
[..,.the other workers to cut wood to prepare for home.]
"homes"
[The room silent...]
Missing "was"
[So, what have your uncles been up?]
Missing "to"
[We also need to work on getting a bigger pin for the rabbits.]
"pen"
[I did not think they would breed so quickly and so many...]
This would probably do better without the "and so many"
Xol's little encounter with the village daijinn was pretty funny (other than the preaching), and was the highlight of the chapter. The rest was as I have said several times. Thin narration. Mostly awkward dialog. Little/no internal conflict. You're probably getting tired of reading that by now.
I think one more before bed. Finish the first part.
[They're not too sure if they would want anything for humans, though.]
"from"
[...which would make their lives easily.]
"easier"
[The conference room...]
I'm not entirely sure, but I think you meant to say "In the conference room"
[..,.the other workers to cut wood to prepare for home.]
"homes"
[The room silent...]
Missing "was"
[So, what have your uncles been up?]
Missing "to"
[We also need to work on getting a bigger pin for the rabbits.]
"pen"
[I did not think they would breed so quickly and so many...]
This would probably do better without the "and so many"
Xol's little encounter with the village daijinn was pretty funny (other than the preaching), and was the highlight of the chapter. The rest was as I have said several times. Thin narration. Mostly awkward dialog. Little/no internal conflict. You're probably getting tired of reading that by now.
I think one more before bed. Finish the first part.
8/1/2013 c12 inwardtransience
[Ileana nodded and bite the corner of her bottom lip for a moment.]
Extra "e"
[The group disbursed.]
lol "dispersed"
["That one is still alive. He probably wishes he wasn't, though."
"Spares us the time of torturing him."]
I laughed so hard. You don't even know xD
[Ileana expected that she would have to make a speech...]
"had expected"
[...people shooting down all of their hard while doing nothing to help the country.]
Missing "work"
So it continues.
It seems like you're fitting a lot of things into a short amount of space, rushing a little bit. Which I suppose can work if you're focusing on dialog and not lending much to narration. I do still like the dialog between the daijinn, even if it wasn't quite on point this chapter. Personally, I found this chapter pretty boring. I mean, it's not like it was particularly terrible or anything. It was just so...meh. I dunno. It just seems that, even though a lot of things are happening, nothing is really /happening/.
Let's see if I can do one more before bed.
[Ileana nodded and bite the corner of her bottom lip for a moment.]
Extra "e"
[The group disbursed.]
lol "dispersed"
["That one is still alive. He probably wishes he wasn't, though."
"Spares us the time of torturing him."]
I laughed so hard. You don't even know xD
[Ileana expected that she would have to make a speech...]
"had expected"
[...people shooting down all of their hard while doing nothing to help the country.]
Missing "work"
So it continues.
It seems like you're fitting a lot of things into a short amount of space, rushing a little bit. Which I suppose can work if you're focusing on dialog and not lending much to narration. I do still like the dialog between the daijinn, even if it wasn't quite on point this chapter. Personally, I found this chapter pretty boring. I mean, it's not like it was particularly terrible or anything. It was just so...meh. I dunno. It just seems that, even though a lot of things are happening, nothing is really /happening/.
Let's see if I can do one more before bed.
8/1/2013 c11 inwardtransience
["My idea as well as my beloved.]
"beloved's"
[...since Viktor had taken over for their father and tax money started missing.]
"started going missing."
[... flip out...]
Would a prince really say that? xD
[...to make money is more than enough people to want this.]
"enough for people"
And so it starts.
I was pretty apathetic about this chapter too. There were less mistakes than usual. This was again mostly dialog. I don't recall your writing before being this heavily focused on dialog, but I could just be remembering wrong. The dialog is still pretty awkward, but I'm used to it by now.
I think I just now put my finger on why I don't like this story as much. The conflict is mostly external. The main characters already know who they are, and are stable in their relationships. I usually mark plot development by character development, so it almost feels to me like nothing is happening. In Tears of the Sun, the characters, especially Jin/Rose/Xol, were constantly evolving, their relationships shifting. This story feels stale by comparison. The conflict is all external, and it's the internal conflict that I enjoy.
I'm going to keep going anyway.
["My idea as well as my beloved.]
"beloved's"
[...since Viktor had taken over for their father and tax money started missing.]
"started going missing."
[... flip out...]
Would a prince really say that? xD
[...to make money is more than enough people to want this.]
"enough for people"
And so it starts.
I was pretty apathetic about this chapter too. There were less mistakes than usual. This was again mostly dialog. I don't recall your writing before being this heavily focused on dialog, but I could just be remembering wrong. The dialog is still pretty awkward, but I'm used to it by now.
I think I just now put my finger on why I don't like this story as much. The conflict is mostly external. The main characters already know who they are, and are stable in their relationships. I usually mark plot development by character development, so it almost feels to me like nothing is happening. In Tears of the Sun, the characters, especially Jin/Rose/Xol, were constantly evolving, their relationships shifting. This story feels stale by comparison. The conflict is all external, and it's the internal conflict that I enjoy.
I'm going to keep going anyway.
8/1/2013 c10 inwardtransience
[The couple was familiar...]
You know, this is one of those nouns that I just can't convince myself whether it's singular or plural. "The couple were" sounds better to me, but I don't know if that's proper grammar or not.
[...Fedele boasted he pulled out two bowls.]
Missing "as"
You know, I've been wondering something. The names in Chuachin are a little weird. The names of the royal family and most everyone else have Romance feels to them. But Lucia says at one point that the language has tones. Now, tonal languages are usually phonologically simplistic, with few consonant clusters, and typically morphologically dense single syllables, so it would be weird for names to have the length and structure they do. "Chuachin" makes sense, but the rest don't fit. Maybe I'm over-thinking this, but I've formed a couple conlangs, so it's something that I think about.
[For them, the market showed glimpses of the city that existed long ago.]
"had existed"
["Because … we have to eat …"
"I intend to."]
lololol
[...Xol decided the change...Ileana's mother had the royal tailor at the villa, fitting Ileana...The way Xol stared...was more than enough for her to get over a dozen outfits in the Chuachin design.]
"had decided" "had had the royal" "had stared" "had been more"
Ro Ryuon fits with the tonal language.
[The capital and Ro Ryuon are quite possible the two most ...]
"possibly"
[She had learned that the hard way when she had a large tribe. She had started out offering too much food for simple work with her tribesmen and they, of course, did not correct her. She had to correct herself.]
"she had had a" "had not corrected" "She had had to"
Wait a second, they've only been there a month? O_o
Plot advancing, weeeeeeee. I could say of this exactly what I have of the other chapters. Thin narration, awkward dialog. It still bothers me how Xol and Ileana talk to each other. I find it surprising that the King would interrupt the Council thingie just to talk to Ileana a little bit, but whatever. Overall, more mehness.
I think I'll do another one or two before bed.
[The couple was familiar...]
You know, this is one of those nouns that I just can't convince myself whether it's singular or plural. "The couple were" sounds better to me, but I don't know if that's proper grammar or not.
[...Fedele boasted he pulled out two bowls.]
Missing "as"
You know, I've been wondering something. The names in Chuachin are a little weird. The names of the royal family and most everyone else have Romance feels to them. But Lucia says at one point that the language has tones. Now, tonal languages are usually phonologically simplistic, with few consonant clusters, and typically morphologically dense single syllables, so it would be weird for names to have the length and structure they do. "Chuachin" makes sense, but the rest don't fit. Maybe I'm over-thinking this, but I've formed a couple conlangs, so it's something that I think about.
[For them, the market showed glimpses of the city that existed long ago.]
"had existed"
["Because … we have to eat …"
"I intend to."]
lololol
[...Xol decided the change...Ileana's mother had the royal tailor at the villa, fitting Ileana...The way Xol stared...was more than enough for her to get over a dozen outfits in the Chuachin design.]
"had decided" "had had the royal" "had stared" "had been more"
Ro Ryuon fits with the tonal language.
[The capital and Ro Ryuon are quite possible the two most ...]
"possibly"
[She had learned that the hard way when she had a large tribe. She had started out offering too much food for simple work with her tribesmen and they, of course, did not correct her. She had to correct herself.]
"she had had a" "had not corrected" "She had had to"
Wait a second, they've only been there a month? O_o
Plot advancing, weeeeeeee. I could say of this exactly what I have of the other chapters. Thin narration, awkward dialog. It still bothers me how Xol and Ileana talk to each other. I find it surprising that the King would interrupt the Council thingie just to talk to Ileana a little bit, but whatever. Overall, more mehness.
I think I'll do another one or two before bed.
8/1/2013 c9 inwardtransience
[Miss Olga was her tribesman...]
This gave me bad tingles. Xol may forgive Miss Olga, but I will never, ever, EVER forgive her for pulling a child's reigns. Ever.
[...how the older woman got so good in such a short period time.]
"had gotten"
[For all you know, she could have wanted you to set all of those assholes on fire.]
lololol
[...to make Xol seem incredibly powerful to smith...]
Missing "the"
[...but he wanted to add some things to the swords.]
"had wanted"
I'm just so apathetic about this story in general, it seems. This was a lot of dialog again, so the narration was thin some more, which you know by now I don't like. There was a little bit of funny dialog between the daijinn, so that was nice. I still get uncomfortable and a little angry whenever Miss Olga shows up. I will never forgive her. Overall, just...meh. Very meh.
[Miss Olga was her tribesman...]
This gave me bad tingles. Xol may forgive Miss Olga, but I will never, ever, EVER forgive her for pulling a child's reigns. Ever.
[...how the older woman got so good in such a short period time.]
"had gotten"
[For all you know, she could have wanted you to set all of those assholes on fire.]
lololol
[...to make Xol seem incredibly powerful to smith...]
Missing "the"
[...but he wanted to add some things to the swords.]
"had wanted"
I'm just so apathetic about this story in general, it seems. This was a lot of dialog again, so the narration was thin some more, which you know by now I don't like. There was a little bit of funny dialog between the daijinn, so that was nice. I still get uncomfortable and a little angry whenever Miss Olga shows up. I will never forgive her. Overall, just...meh. Very meh.
8/1/2013 c8 inwardtransience
[You sense things and seem like to know what to expect almost all the time.]
"like you know"
[...but there was plenty of other noises.]
"were"
[...which was larger than Ileana expected.]
"had expected"
[...that you seem to think of it as you home...]
Missing "r"
[I, unfortunately, think this often.]
Missing "about"
[...that things had not been that way.]
Missing "always"
[...Miss Olga coaxed her into a chair a couple of minutes ago.]
"had coaxed"
Nope, Miss Olga. Don't even try.
[ the only way Ileana could fight now since she lost her weapons as they were fleeing Fleuriza.]
"had lost"
Another chapter I was pretty apathetic about. Mostly awkward dialog. I really don't like how Xol and Ileana talk to each other. It just seems so...stilted. And those names they call each other just seem so awkward and out of place. Meh. And there was Miss Olga, trying to make me like her again. Never happening. Ever. This was just a pretty meh chapter.
You might be able to tell already that I don't like Baying for the Moon like I do Tears of the Sun.
Anyway, onwards and forwards.
[You sense things and seem like to know what to expect almost all the time.]
"like you know"
[...but there was plenty of other noises.]
"were"
[...which was larger than Ileana expected.]
"had expected"
[...that you seem to think of it as you home...]
Missing "r"
[I, unfortunately, think this often.]
Missing "about"
[...that things had not been that way.]
Missing "always"
[...Miss Olga coaxed her into a chair a couple of minutes ago.]
"had coaxed"
Nope, Miss Olga. Don't even try.
[ the only way Ileana could fight now since she lost her weapons as they were fleeing Fleuriza.]
"had lost"
Another chapter I was pretty apathetic about. Mostly awkward dialog. I really don't like how Xol and Ileana talk to each other. It just seems so...stilted. And those names they call each other just seem so awkward and out of place. Meh. And there was Miss Olga, trying to make me like her again. Never happening. Ever. This was just a pretty meh chapter.
You might be able to tell already that I don't like Baying for the Moon like I do Tears of the Sun.
Anyway, onwards and forwards.
8/1/2013 c7 inwardtransience
[It had high ceilings that the shelves went all the way up and massive windows to let light and air in.]
"up to"
[Ileana nodded and opened the door.]
lol "book"
[She wondered if it was her mother's hand that added the notes. It appeared that Lucia was translating terms for herself...]
"had added" and "had been translating"
[...that he somehow acquired when they were in Fleuriza.]
"had somehow acquired"
[...but not nearly as many as the night they arrived.]
"had arrived"
[...as he got comfortable with the language.]
"he had gotten"
[...as if everything he said was lie...]
Missing "a"
[Once Viktor was born, Ileana became a stranger to her father. She actually preferred things that way.]
"had been born" "had become" "had actually preferred" (last is optional)
[It was nice to hear that phrase and it was actually a compliment.]
"and it was" should probably be "while"
[Women cannot carry on his name on his bloodline]
That second "on" supposed to be "or"?
["I did," Ileana confirmed as she eased down onto the soft mattress.]
"It"
Wow, that was a lot of dialog. For that reason, the narration was thin, thin, thin. And there was another slip in time there that I had trouble tracking. But most of those in these stories have thrown me off, so that's not new. This was an okay chapter, I guess. I didn't really like the thinness in the narration, but at least this time the dialog was somewhat less awkward. I know it's basically those same two things I comment on all the time, but they're pretty common themes. I like how everyone adapts to Chuachin at different speeds. Many writers would probably go the easy route and make it a consistent process, so points there. I don't think I particularly liked this chapter overall, but it was okay.
[It had high ceilings that the shelves went all the way up and massive windows to let light and air in.]
"up to"
[Ileana nodded and opened the door.]
lol "book"
[She wondered if it was her mother's hand that added the notes. It appeared that Lucia was translating terms for herself...]
"had added" and "had been translating"
[...that he somehow acquired when they were in Fleuriza.]
"had somehow acquired"
[...but not nearly as many as the night they arrived.]
"had arrived"
[...as he got comfortable with the language.]
"he had gotten"
[...as if everything he said was lie...]
Missing "a"
[Once Viktor was born, Ileana became a stranger to her father. She actually preferred things that way.]
"had been born" "had become" "had actually preferred" (last is optional)
[It was nice to hear that phrase and it was actually a compliment.]
"and it was" should probably be "while"
[Women cannot carry on his name on his bloodline]
That second "on" supposed to be "or"?
["I did," Ileana confirmed as she eased down onto the soft mattress.]
"It"
Wow, that was a lot of dialog. For that reason, the narration was thin, thin, thin. And there was another slip in time there that I had trouble tracking. But most of those in these stories have thrown me off, so that's not new. This was an okay chapter, I guess. I didn't really like the thinness in the narration, but at least this time the dialog was somewhat less awkward. I know it's basically those same two things I comment on all the time, but they're pretty common themes. I like how everyone adapts to Chuachin at different speeds. Many writers would probably go the easy route and make it a consistent process, so points there. I don't think I particularly liked this chapter overall, but it was okay.
8/1/2013 c6 inwardtransience
[...the walk back up to the palace would not pleasant after wandering the city.]
"not be pleasant"
[...and those were put an end to that problem...]
Delete "were"
[When he first considered fixing things, he meant the businesses to help the nobles and then as he began to realize he was rather incompetent at repairing the country, he went back to that focus.]
...huh?
[...each and every time her father took Viktor to those races, knowing the sensitive lad would be disturbed, which he was.]
"had taken" "which he had been" (second is optional)
[...but the things that Vladimir showed and told the boy were often sickening.]
"had shown and told"
[...which was as busy as Lucia said.]
"had said"
[...contained offices and other things that Lucia named before...]
"had named"
[...and were not sure what to do with them.]
Delete "them"
["Humans have different religions?"]
lololol
[...back to the night a little girl lost her family...]
"had lost"
This is a nice touch. If she were portrayed all 100% better I would be pretty skeptical.
This was a pretty decent chapter I guess. I'm not sure why I feel that way though. The narration was still more thin than I would like, but that's just been your style, so I've pretty much gotten used to it. The dialog was a little less awkward. It works as a nice introduction to Chuachin, and the tensions within. The group dynamic worked a little better in this one than the other chapters. The teasing of Xol made me giggle too. Overall, this one is a step up.
Moar.
[...the walk back up to the palace would not pleasant after wandering the city.]
"not be pleasant"
[...and those were put an end to that problem...]
Delete "were"
[When he first considered fixing things, he meant the businesses to help the nobles and then as he began to realize he was rather incompetent at repairing the country, he went back to that focus.]
...huh?
[...each and every time her father took Viktor to those races, knowing the sensitive lad would be disturbed, which he was.]
"had taken" "which he had been" (second is optional)
[...but the things that Vladimir showed and told the boy were often sickening.]
"had shown and told"
[...which was as busy as Lucia said.]
"had said"
[...contained offices and other things that Lucia named before...]
"had named"
[...and were not sure what to do with them.]
Delete "them"
["Humans have different religions?"]
lololol
[...back to the night a little girl lost her family...]
"had lost"
This is a nice touch. If she were portrayed all 100% better I would be pretty skeptical.
This was a pretty decent chapter I guess. I'm not sure why I feel that way though. The narration was still more thin than I would like, but that's just been your style, so I've pretty much gotten used to it. The dialog was a little less awkward. It works as a nice introduction to Chuachin, and the tensions within. The group dynamic worked a little better in this one than the other chapters. The teasing of Xol made me giggle too. Overall, this one is a step up.
Moar.
8/1/2013 c5 inwardtransience
[...trying to process what she heard.]
"had heard"
[...she suspected she had been too blunt because even Xol looked a bit stunned.]
I would delete "too blunt"
[Ileana nodded and found herself falling sleep on command.]
"asleep"
Wow, was that all the mistakes there were? Hmm.
I feel pretty neutral about this chapter. Again, I feel a little lost with the thinness of the descriptions. The dialog is still a little awkward. Maybe more than a little. But I do like how Lucia reacted to their relationship. The presentation was as awkward as the rest of it, but I liked it anyway. Of course her reaction doesn't really surprise me. Lucia just seems like that kind of woman. This chapter did have more description than usual, though it was still too thin for my tastes, so I guess that's improvement. But yeah. Okay chapter.
Next!
[...trying to process what she heard.]
"had heard"
[...she suspected she had been too blunt because even Xol looked a bit stunned.]
I would delete "too blunt"
[Ileana nodded and found herself falling sleep on command.]
"asleep"
Wow, was that all the mistakes there were? Hmm.
I feel pretty neutral about this chapter. Again, I feel a little lost with the thinness of the descriptions. The dialog is still a little awkward. Maybe more than a little. But I do like how Lucia reacted to their relationship. The presentation was as awkward as the rest of it, but I liked it anyway. Of course her reaction doesn't really surprise me. Lucia just seems like that kind of woman. This chapter did have more description than usual, though it was still too thin for my tastes, so I guess that's improvement. But yeah. Okay chapter.
Next!
8/1/2013 c4 inwardtransience
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
The bit about who gets out and in what order is a bit of details that I wouldn't really expect to see with the level of detail that you usually give. It seems a little out of place to me.
I'm starting to get annoyed by how Xol and Ileana talk to each other. All these "precious moon"s and "dearest iris"s. Do people actually talk like that?
[...the last time that she saw her mother...]
"had seen"
[...her mother was only a little older...]
"had been"
[ Her hazel eyes had a shine that Ileana never saw when her mother lived with her father.]
"had never seen" "had lived"
[She then turned to away and noticed the small, pale daijinn.]
Extra "to"
[It never crossed Ileana's mind that she might have a grandfather. Her father's parents had died before she was born and she never thought about her mother's parents. In fact, she never thought having a family beyond her parents, her brother, and her beloved.]
"had never crossed" "had never thought" 2x combo "thought about having"
[Yes, she feared that Viktor would stay behind...]
"had feared"
[There were points in her life where Ileana even questioned if her father cared about her at all...]
"had been points" "had questioned"
[...he would not spit on her if she was on fire.]
"if she were"
[Ileana, Xol, Viktor, and the dajinns followed...]
I thought the plural of daijinn was daijinn
[For her, her father's palace always seemed grim and dark...]
"had always seemed"
[Since when do you do sarcasm in our language?]
"use"
[The arriving group could not help look on in confusion.]
"help but look"
["Beloved, you are actually willing to eat that food?"
"It's food."]
lololol
[I would tell you do not stress...]
Huh? I'm not sure what this means.
[...Kwen declared and reached from the entire bird that...]
"from" "for" ?
[...which are ten fundamental laws of the land.]
It would probably be better with "the ten"
[...when they established their relationship.]
"had established"
[After all, there never was guarantee that tomorrow would be as good.]
Missing "a"
This chapter is a little better I guess. The dialog is still a little awkward. Maybe more than a little. I enjoyed the little glances we get of Chuachinese culture. Though that could have gotten a lot more description. That's pretty much true of most chapters, a paucity of description. This was more than you usually do but I still came out wanting more. The reappearance of Lucia and how Xol acts around her is a good indicator of how much Jin/Rose/Xol has changed, and I kinda liked it. Overall I would say it's a decent chapter, with introducing a variety of things and thoughts, and it works well enough.
Moar.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
The bit about who gets out and in what order is a bit of details that I wouldn't really expect to see with the level of detail that you usually give. It seems a little out of place to me.
I'm starting to get annoyed by how Xol and Ileana talk to each other. All these "precious moon"s and "dearest iris"s. Do people actually talk like that?
[...the last time that she saw her mother...]
"had seen"
[...her mother was only a little older...]
"had been"
[ Her hazel eyes had a shine that Ileana never saw when her mother lived with her father.]
"had never seen" "had lived"
[She then turned to away and noticed the small, pale daijinn.]
Extra "to"
[It never crossed Ileana's mind that she might have a grandfather. Her father's parents had died before she was born and she never thought about her mother's parents. In fact, she never thought having a family beyond her parents, her brother, and her beloved.]
"had never crossed" "had never thought" 2x combo "thought about having"
[Yes, she feared that Viktor would stay behind...]
"had feared"
[There were points in her life where Ileana even questioned if her father cared about her at all...]
"had been points" "had questioned"
[...he would not spit on her if she was on fire.]
"if she were"
[Ileana, Xol, Viktor, and the dajinns followed...]
I thought the plural of daijinn was daijinn
[For her, her father's palace always seemed grim and dark...]
"had always seemed"
[Since when do you do sarcasm in our language?]
"use"
[The arriving group could not help look on in confusion.]
"help but look"
["Beloved, you are actually willing to eat that food?"
"It's food."]
lololol
[I would tell you do not stress...]
Huh? I'm not sure what this means.
[...Kwen declared and reached from the entire bird that...]
"from" "for" ?
[...which are ten fundamental laws of the land.]
It would probably be better with "the ten"
[...when they established their relationship.]
"had established"
[After all, there never was guarantee that tomorrow would be as good.]
Missing "a"
This chapter is a little better I guess. The dialog is still a little awkward. Maybe more than a little. I enjoyed the little glances we get of Chuachinese culture. Though that could have gotten a lot more description. That's pretty much true of most chapters, a paucity of description. This was more than you usually do but I still came out wanting more. The reappearance of Lucia and how Xol acts around her is a good indicator of how much Jin/Rose/Xol has changed, and I kinda liked it. Overall I would say it's a decent chapter, with introducing a variety of things and thoughts, and it works well enough.
Moar.
7/31/2013 c3 inwardtransience
Brain. No worky. Can't. Write. Used. "Right". First time. Gah. Must. Listen. To metal. Loudly. And. R/R. Instead.
[...Xol asked her mate quietly while holding onto Ileana.]
"on to"
[We will not run and we will walk directly out of palace from the main hall.]
"of the palace"
[...and Fry took to it like most cranky aging people did, she made a fuss.]
That comma should be a semicolon.
[Some don't do something stupid...]
I'm not sure what that's suppose to mean. I'm guessing that's supposed to be "So"
[...struggled forward at an increasing speed.]
Probably better without "an"
[She was not too worried him as she focused on the guards that were now chasing after them.]
Missing an "about" I think
[Matters were only worsened when Xol decided to start several fires around slavers' stands.]
That thought tickles me xD
[She and Yu were openly enamored with Ileana whenever she held weapons.]
My mind is telling me that should be "enamored of", but it could be wrong.
[She was quite pleased that he decided to come with them.]
"had decided"
[...and accepted the idea that I might come live with her.]
"has accepted"
[...and we've wasted one of your time...]
"times"
[She almost wanted to say that country was probably a country a century ago.]
"the country" I would probably also repeat the "hundred years ago" thing.
Here's another awkward chapter. A few things bothered me. Like the talking while fighting. I don't think most people who have never been in a fight realize how difficult it is to talk when you're focusing on the fight. I've been in a few fights and a brawl once (long story) and believe me, there was no room for conversation. I'm not the best behaved of girls. Anyway, that bothered me. The dialog throughout the chapter, actually, was pretty awkward. It just felt off to me. And that time gradient and the description of Chuachin at the end disappointed me a little. There was just so little narration, so little description. I barely got a feel of what was going on and then it was over already. I don't know, it just felt flat and rushed to me, pretty much the whole chapter.
So yeah. Not a very good chapter.
Next!
Brain. No worky. Can't. Write. Used. "Right". First time. Gah. Must. Listen. To metal. Loudly. And. R/R. Instead.
[...Xol asked her mate quietly while holding onto Ileana.]
"on to"
[We will not run and we will walk directly out of palace from the main hall.]
"of the palace"
[...and Fry took to it like most cranky aging people did, she made a fuss.]
That comma should be a semicolon.
[Some don't do something stupid...]
I'm not sure what that's suppose to mean. I'm guessing that's supposed to be "So"
[...struggled forward at an increasing speed.]
Probably better without "an"
[She was not too worried him as she focused on the guards that were now chasing after them.]
Missing an "about" I think
[Matters were only worsened when Xol decided to start several fires around slavers' stands.]
That thought tickles me xD
[She and Yu were openly enamored with Ileana whenever she held weapons.]
My mind is telling me that should be "enamored of", but it could be wrong.
[She was quite pleased that he decided to come with them.]
"had decided"
[...and accepted the idea that I might come live with her.]
"has accepted"
[...and we've wasted one of your time...]
"times"
[She almost wanted to say that country was probably a country a century ago.]
"the country" I would probably also repeat the "hundred years ago" thing.
Here's another awkward chapter. A few things bothered me. Like the talking while fighting. I don't think most people who have never been in a fight realize how difficult it is to talk when you're focusing on the fight. I've been in a few fights and a brawl once (long story) and believe me, there was no room for conversation. I'm not the best behaved of girls. Anyway, that bothered me. The dialog throughout the chapter, actually, was pretty awkward. It just felt off to me. And that time gradient and the description of Chuachin at the end disappointed me a little. There was just so little narration, so little description. I barely got a feel of what was going on and then it was over already. I don't know, it just felt flat and rushed to me, pretty much the whole chapter.
So yeah. Not a very good chapter.
Next!