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for Celestial Reign: Baying for the Moon

7/31/2013 c2 30inwardtransience
["May I rest my head on your shoulder, beloved?" Ileana requested in a low tone.]

[...Xol had been exiled from the tribe she led because...]
"had led"

[It upsetting to think that people her love had helped disliked Xol for whatever reason.]
"upset" though "was upsetting" would work too

[...she stated since Xol's tribe had chosen their chiefs based on who won a fight.]
This would probably do better as separate sentences.

[...even swayed in a relaxed behind her.]
Missing "manner"
[...was on all full display, too.]
Extra "all"

[...that showed the daijinn sun goddess blessed Xol...]
"had blessed" is probably better

[...as she did everyday...]
Missing space

[...short vest across chest. The vest she always chose to wear open because the rest of clothing was tied so tightly.]
"her chest" (most likely) and "the clothing"

[...Xol always inspecting everything carefully...]

[...in the year that they had been reunited...]
Could probably use a "since"

[Some jealous nobles led the first assassination attempt. Ileana easily tracked them down after Xol saved her from biting into a very deadly supper.]
"had led" "had easily" and "had saved"
[...slaughter the whole kitchen staff, but Ileana stopped her...]
"had stopped"

[...beloved would regret such a wrathful decision eventually.]
I would either move the eventually before "regret" or change it to "in time"

[Ileana and Viktor handled finding and punishing the conspirators.]
"had handled"

[When he came upon her, he also came upon her beloved. Xol had cut his arm off with her bare, although burning, hand right after he drew a dagger.]
"had come" (both times) "he had drawn"

[...glaring down at the offensive documents.]
"offending" might be better, but that could be personal preference.

[Yes, he was not even a teenage yet...]

[It an adorable look of indignation...]
Missing "was"

[Like most people, Viktor did not enjoy recognizing the limits of his intelligence, but unlike most, he would easily admit to not understanding something.]
I'm not sure I understand this. Isn't that a contradiction?

[...as she is dividing the workload.]
I don't think this is strictly necessary.

[He recently got his wild black and blond mane cut...]
"He had recently gotten"

[...bothered her that she had never even been able to pray to him, even as a child.]
"her so much she" but this is probably partially personal.

[...they did not eat so well...]
"had not eaten"
[..detailed attention because she worked out often...]
"had worked"

[...to be prepared defend her mate.]
Missing "to"

[...song her mother sang to her about the sun and the moon.]
"had sung"

[...loving to have the one special memory to share with her mate.]
Probably better without "the"

[If it were...]
Yaaaaaaay :D
[...Ileana stated as if it was a stone cold fact.]
:c "as if it were"

[They were as good as dead.]
No such thing with Xol around.

I found a lot of the dialog very weird. I don't know why. It just seemed awkward, and not things people would actually say. Unless they were awkward people, of course. And I thought Xol had liked that cake way back when when she had first tried it, but I could be remembering wrong.
But one thing that I think is kinda weird is that they are still in Fleuriza at all. I wouldn't think they would risk the wrath of the king so long. He could have gotten better at pretty much any time, and there they were ruling his country. It just doesn't seem smart to me. I would think they would have followed Ileana's thought, to hand the country off to some noble, a long time ago. It just seems like such a great risk. But I guess you know your characters better than I do xD
This chapter was okay. Other than awkwardness, and my questioning why they're still there, I don't have any strong feelings about it.
Class is over. Bye bye.
7/31/2013 c1 inwardtransience
I can't write my own stuff in class—don't have the concentration for it—so I'm back.

[Xol, the sun goddess, and Zonder, the red star, were never friends.]
"had never been"

[Xin was known as the harsher judge...]
Either "the harshest" or "a harsher", depending on what you're going for.

[...having to go over the mountains to return to her own home.]
I don't think this is necessary
[He informed those who had greeted him that he was on his way to the sea.]
This one too.

[...were treated well based on the cultures that they had visited.]
This is a little awkward, and could probably use a little rewording.

[...who were created last in the line of races.]
People who have read the previous story would already know this. I don't think it's strictly necessary.

[...but they both proven wrong. They both found themselves treated equally again.]
My suggestion is again a matter of perspective. I would say "they would both be proven wrong" and "The would both find themselves". If you don't want to do that, just change "they were both"

[...because there were no good humans.]
I don't think this should be there.

[By the time the sunset...]
Whoops. Missing a space

[...the composed Xin had even been as infuriated...]

[They would wander the globe as that "old woman" had and they would know "her suffering."]
You quote things a lot when it's not really necessary.

[...the gods' behavior could not be comprehended by mortals.]
You know, I don't really find this whole thing that incomprehensible xD

Here we have mythology again. I don't want to fault developing mythology. It's very interesting, and it reflects having actually put thought into world building. In fact, I would strongly encourage writers to think about this kind of thing. But I'm not sure I really like this presentation. I would much rather have this appear within the context of the story. Like Mei telling it to Xol. Or even better, Xol relating the story to Ileana. I think it just feels weird and disconnected like this. I mean, it's good to include it, but it would feel more natural within the context of the story.
Or maybe that's just me ._.
I think I can do another one before class ends...
3/8/2013 c35 1Hikaru Akihiro
Definitely a beautiful sequel. Chuachin was an interesting fictional culture. Xol's powers aren't infinite which is more interesting than a limitless ability. You addressed realistic problems a waning kingdom would face. The solutions to those problems were believable.
I would love seeing another story set in this world. A pleasure to read as always.
1/9/2013 c35 Running home
I love this story read it all on one day hope you write another part to this story someday. The whole story made a lot of great points.
9/27/2012 c35 Greek Chorus
What a wonderfully satisfying ending. Though there is definitely material for the next story, the epilogue wrapped up the current story's plot elements quite neatly. Even Shei and the bunnies got to take a bow at the final curtain. So glad to see that. The current roles of each character was a great way to show how far each have come - especially Miss Olga (really love that character). Also, enjoyed the snapshot view of the next generation, too. Xi - so precocious and Yun was a nice surprise. Thanks for the excellent and entertaining story.
9/25/2012 c35 onezero
This doesn't feel like a story, it feels like a long journey instead. I rarely got pulled into the plot like I am, especially when fantasy is involved or when the story is still in progress. This is a great story, like all of your other ones. And you're a great writer, one of the best I've seen. Thanks!
9/25/2012 c35 Anon723723723
Beautiful! I love it!

Are you going to do anything else in this universe?
9/24/2012 c35 TheQuietMouse
*Thoroughly satisfied sigh*
I've been following this series for quite a while now and it's always managed to keep me interested. This is, I believe, a satisfactory ending for such a wonderful story. Congratulations on a job well done, and please accept my most grateful thanks for an extremely pleasing and imaginative story.
9/23/2012 c35 psychotic-cat17
Very nice ending. I'm so happy Xi has a friend in Yun and a little sibling on the way. It's cute that everyone shares in the childrearing responsibilities and that everyone enjoys it so much. I'm glad that at least one of the brothers has learned the hard lesson the other two did not and has just accepted that the throne is not going to be his; it's nice that he's decided to really get to know his father instead. Anyway, I loved this adventure with Xol and Ileana.

Thanks for writing.
9/23/2012 c35 1Chell17
such an awesome ending to an awesome story
9/23/2012 c35 Biodragon
What a nice way to wrap things up. Good to see that all is well for this couple and the cute kids.
9/23/2012 c35 Kitmaro
A fine ending. It's satisfying to see these two have a good life. With what they went through, they deserve it. Later SL.
9/23/2012 c35 6Van Quatra
wow what a great finish, i enjoyed this very much. great job
9/23/2012 c35 4lloyd1191
Hey, I actually liked this story, a lot. I liked the romance, the suspense of ruling a country with people trying to back stab them and the action of warfare. Drama isn't really my thing, but the other elements made it enjoyable. Another point is that, it felt kind of easy for the main characters to solve the problem, I was expecting a little more challenge for them.

Overall: it was a great story, it was a great series, even with those little things that could cause problems, it was still enjoyable and I hope to read more stories like this from you. Good luck and until next time.
9/23/2012 c35 6LuxVenus
I believe this is my first time reviewing this story. I found the story before this one and read the entire thing in a matter of hours. Then I began to follow this one and it was a pleasure. My Sunday mornings were something to look forward to because I knew I would see an update for this. This was an amazing journey and I enjoyed it immensely. Thank you for sharing it. I look forward to seeing what else you put out.
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