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for Little Rainbow

2/2/2012 c2 12Deedee Elle
Hi from RG. I liked your prologue- very poetic and lyrical. I wonder if you really need it though as it reveals something about Bow which might be better developing through the main body of the story as a surprise whereas you set your cards out straight away.

This is an interesting premise and I like your narrator. His voice is very natural, though occasionally you use a word which seems odd 'naught' rather than 'nothing' for example which sound odd. I hope you are going to go into his backstory more in future chapters as you don't really give many hints here. Why is he interested in hanging round the school? what age is he supposed to be? (or have died at) for example. The paragraph about the ghosts and Teddy's brief story was really touching and raised an interesting question about their opinions of ghosthood.

Your mix of scene setting and dialogue is well balanced and the conversations work well. The last line is a good teaser.
2/1/2012 c2 29YasuRan
One question about the setting: why would ghosts want to attend school in the first place? Or has the NHCR granted them the right to hang around there? I wouldn't mind having those questions answered in future chapters.

So far, the character of Rainbow Madison sounds very intriguing. Her cute name and looks mask the devil within, so it seems. It reminds of a cartoon heroine, though I believe you could make her more complex and memorable than that type. She has made quite an impression on Daniel (and me!) thus far, you've done a decent job with her introduction.

I'd like to see how Daniel's character progresses in the story. You've set up a good backdrop - with the NHCR and its ensuing complications - and that should serve as another good catalyst for his development, apart from his relationship with Bow. Teddy was another interesting addition to the cast. In the short time he had, he managed to come off as quite entertaining and a good foil to Daniel's more calm persona. I can tell that this story is going to be one with characters as its strength, if you can pull it off well :)
2/1/2012 c2 7Fakety Mcfakename
this is fun! for such a confusing and challenging plot to try for, i was very impressed with how clear and easy to understand everything was. great job with clarity, and characters are coming through amazing already, daniel is easy enough to understand, but bow is a pleasent enigma. decent literary language, not heavy description, but it doesn't take away from the plot, so pretty good.

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