for The Demon Drowns in the River7/28/2013 c2 
1Erlich
This was my first go at a Japanese fantasy. It was really intriguing, and I loved the details you gave about the characters, as though you have really thought out each one in depth.
"...Hanzo had a calculating character like advisors beyond his age..." I had to re-read this a time or two to get it. Maybe something like, "Hanzo had a calculating character, not unlike many advisors that were much older than he. He was also unquestionably loyal, much in the way that a ripe servant would be." or something.
"Ieyasu slowly entered the river first until the water reached his shoulders." Again, I had to re-read this to get it. It's partially the arrangement of the sentence, and partially the lack of commas. I would suggest something like, "Ieyasu was the first in the water, entering slowly until he was just past his shoulders." This seems to be relatively prevalent throughout the writing. Don't get me wrong, you have some great suspense that pulls me in, and a great majority of the piece is written quite well. There are just some sentences that are hard for the reader to get ahold of without putting some serious thought into it. I would suggest reading each sentence aloud to see how it would sound spoken.
In general, I would have liked more detail, not necessarily for you to give anything away; I think the level of mystique is perfect, it leaves the reader curious to find out what happens next. I do, however, believe that you could tell the story more from the character's perspective, so that it comes across less like a dictated narration and more like the reader is living the moment with the characters.
I love the end, with Hattori's assertion of a ninja's ability to remain underwater for a day or two. I just love how everybody knows him so well that they just take his word for it, like he's obviously a standup guy!
1ErlichThis was my first go at a Japanese fantasy. It was really intriguing, and I loved the details you gave about the characters, as though you have really thought out each one in depth.
"...Hanzo had a calculating character like advisors beyond his age..." I had to re-read this a time or two to get it. Maybe something like, "Hanzo had a calculating character, not unlike many advisors that were much older than he. He was also unquestionably loyal, much in the way that a ripe servant would be." or something.
"Ieyasu slowly entered the river first until the water reached his shoulders." Again, I had to re-read this to get it. It's partially the arrangement of the sentence, and partially the lack of commas. I would suggest something like, "Ieyasu was the first in the water, entering slowly until he was just past his shoulders." This seems to be relatively prevalent throughout the writing. Don't get me wrong, you have some great suspense that pulls me in, and a great majority of the piece is written quite well. There are just some sentences that are hard for the reader to get ahold of without putting some serious thought into it. I would suggest reading each sentence aloud to see how it would sound spoken.
In general, I would have liked more detail, not necessarily for you to give anything away; I think the level of mystique is perfect, it leaves the reader curious to find out what happens next. I do, however, believe that you could tell the story more from the character's perspective, so that it comes across less like a dictated narration and more like the reader is living the moment with the characters.
I love the end, with Hattori's assertion of a ninja's ability to remain underwater for a day or two. I just love how everybody knows him so well that they just take his word for it, like he's obviously a standup guy!