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5/27/2012 c2 3star3catcher
Oh no my dear, a gene slammer is FAR from stretching it. Just take a look at Oscorp from Spider-Man! They're probably created at least twenty different genetically altered human beings by accident alone, their labs are periodically broken into with ease (often something as simple as going through a door or window), and have at least once accidentally altered the space time continum... and they STILL won't improve their security in the slightest! If anything, your superpower-granting explanation actually makes MORE sense than some of the stuff I've seen in official hero stories.
2/21/2012 c2 6Tiamatty
I still think Thoth would be cooler speaking more formally. Personal preference, I suppose.

I don't like to pick on grammar, but I would suggest a little tighter proofreading before posting each chapter. Would make it a lot better, in the end.

The gene slammer scene probably could've been stretched out more, with more emotional description of Carter's rising panic. Maybe started with him a little nervous, but reasonably confident they could get him out in time, and getting progressively more frightened as the timer counts down. Like I said last chapter, first-person gives an excellent opportunity for getting really deep into how a character feels about something. The words he uses, even the length of his sentences can give major insight.

As it was, that sequence read a little too casually.

You probably also should've saved him waking up for the next chapter, to give more space, again, to his emotional reaction to events. His grogginess upon first waking up, some initial confusion at seeing his arm, shock at the dawning realization that it had become much more toned, maybe a momentary sense of panic when he wonders what else happened to him, and relief when Athena tells him he's fine. Embarrassment at almost burning Athena's arm off with his sneeze. An overall sense of wonder at the whole thing.

That all got sorta glossed over.

So, yeah, the short version is to use more emotional descriptors, to really show the reader Carter's reactions to what happens around and to him.
2/16/2012 c1 Tiamatty
Pet peeve: The past tense of 'lead' is 'led'. So it's "led to the creation of Union Jack." Like I said, it's just a pet peeve of mine, based on seeing it spelled wrong even in professional publications. There are other typos here and there, but I won't pick at them.

Might make sense for Thoth to speak a bit more formally than he's shown here. He doesn't need to be doing the old Thor "thees and thous" thing (consonance is fun!), but he should still come across as being older and wiser. Thoth was, after all, the judge of the dead, so it would be cool if he spoke differently from everyone else.

Athena, on the other hand, I completely accept speaking normally. She's the goddess of wisdom, among other things, and always liked to get involved with humans, so she probably would know exactly how to fit in effortlessly.

This chapter feels a little heavy on exposition. I think it's not helped by being first person. A first-person narrative needs even more emotional depth than third-person does. The narrator needs to give a lot of detail on his own thoughts and reactions to events. So, for example, the bit where he's going for Athena's aegis, go into how his heart's beating so loud he has trouble hearing the battle, how the floor tiles feel on his clammy hands as he crawls along it, maybe a moment of panic when he has to get past one of the thugs and Carter's not sure if the guy's unconscious.

In third-person narratives, that sort of thing is important and adds a lot of flavour. In a first-person narrative, though, it's absolutely necessary. Without those sorts of detailed touches, it just ends up feeling hollow and kinda boring. And you definitely don't want an action story to feel boring.

It's a good premise and there's some cool stuff here. You just need to make the descriptions more intimate. Less "He did this, she did that," more along the lines of, "My breathing stopped when I saw him do this, but I silently cheered when she effortlessly countered with that." Get what I mean? It adds a sense of immediacy to the events that was lacking here.

I will be keeping my eye on this story, though.

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