for Painting the World9/4/2014 c1 Steel Flames
Toru's so cute and Aurora punches him for everything :) Story's interesting. I wish there were more.
Toru's so cute and Aurora punches him for everything :) Story's interesting. I wish there were more.
7/19/2014 c1 
13360pages
Nah, sure it's really basic and everything, but I think it has a certain charm to it. Sometimes it's best to write without thinking to hard about it, you might lose something if you over think what you're writing and how you're writing it.
13360pagesNah, sure it's really basic and everything, but I think it has a certain charm to it. Sometimes it's best to write without thinking to hard about it, you might lose something if you over think what you're writing and how you're writing it.
6/1/2014 c1 Guest
This was so beautiful. I really loved reading it... I want to know what happens next and what they find! It's incredible! This story sort of reminds me of The Northern Lights by Philip Pullman; its reminiscent without being a copy. Your writing style is to be envied.
Well done!
Celeste x
This was so beautiful. I really loved reading it... I want to know what happens next and what they find! It's incredible! This story sort of reminds me of The Northern Lights by Philip Pullman; its reminiscent without being a copy. Your writing style is to be envied.
Well done!
Celeste x
5/29/2014 c1 30alatum Cloud
Oh my gosh, that story was so adorable. I almost cried, and I'm so glad that their love will always be there.
30alatum CloudOh my gosh, that story was so adorable. I almost cried, and I'm so glad that their love will always be there.
11/5/2013 c1 18cud-b-better
Man this story is pretty deep (so deep I feel like I'm drowning). Truth be told I had quite a lot of difficulty following it, I didn't understand it entirely and a fair bit happened in just this small amount of text. However you did do well in describing the scenery in a beautiful way which makes me a little bit envious of you. I'm glad this story is too short for me to get any attachment to any of the characters otherwise I could very well have shed (manly, not girly) tears.
Anyway just a couple of minor errors I noticed
It isn't nice to me - 'for' instead of 'to'
I looked the horizon. It was a mix or red, pink and orange. - stick an 'at' or something before 'the' and change the 'or' to 'of'
I apologise but it is in cud's nature to nitpick at the most trivial of things, feel free to ignore me (It will probably make life easier for both of us).
18cud-b-betterMan this story is pretty deep (so deep I feel like I'm drowning). Truth be told I had quite a lot of difficulty following it, I didn't understand it entirely and a fair bit happened in just this small amount of text. However you did do well in describing the scenery in a beautiful way which makes me a little bit envious of you. I'm glad this story is too short for me to get any attachment to any of the characters otherwise I could very well have shed (manly, not girly) tears.
Anyway just a couple of minor errors I noticed
It isn't nice to me - 'for' instead of 'to'
I looked the horizon. It was a mix or red, pink and orange. - stick an 'at' or something before 'the' and change the 'or' to 'of'
I apologise but it is in cud's nature to nitpick at the most trivial of things, feel free to ignore me (It will probably make life easier for both of us).
11/1/2013 c1 1StarsInYourMultitudes
This is really sweet. I like the colours and the characters - the matter-of-factness of Aurora and the bit about the Northern Lights - Toru calling them after her was really sweet. It's a good idea - I really like it. You're a great writer.
1StarsInYourMultitudesThis is really sweet. I like the colours and the characters - the matter-of-factness of Aurora and the bit about the Northern Lights - Toru calling them after her was really sweet. It's a good idea - I really like it. You're a great writer.
10/16/2013 c1 darxwrites
I could see some grammatical errors and mistakes but with a bit of work, this can be a good love story!
I could see some grammatical errors and mistakes but with a bit of work, this can be a good love story!
10/12/2013 c1 Buttersmash
Interesting change from zombies to a love story in the end of the world. Interesting concept, but you really need to proofread this. I see you published last year? With your current writing maybe this would get better.
I like the premise, and the two main characters ae likeable enough. Aurora kind of reminds me of a tsundere.
Now you owe me a review.
Interesting change from zombies to a love story in the end of the world. Interesting concept, but you really need to proofread this. I see you published last year? With your current writing maybe this would get better.
I like the premise, and the two main characters ae likeable enough. Aurora kind of reminds me of a tsundere.
Now you owe me a review.
9/4/2013 c1 xxxyx
Whoah. A oneshot with 44, I mean, 45 reviews? Now I've seen everything.
I like the idea you put into this story. Despite some readers commenting on the vagueness of 'white foam' and 'green things' I think they fitted really well, seeing that she was beginning to learn and have knowledge of things around her. So my suggestion would be supporting them with better descriptions.
The end was vague, 5% cheesy, but pleasant. Your first story eh? The minor mistakes in grammar and the kind was still there, but no, I'm not here for that. Let's see the others.
Whoah. A oneshot with 44, I mean, 45 reviews? Now I've seen everything.
I like the idea you put into this story. Despite some readers commenting on the vagueness of 'white foam' and 'green things' I think they fitted really well, seeing that she was beginning to learn and have knowledge of things around her. So my suggestion would be supporting them with better descriptions.
The end was vague, 5% cheesy, but pleasant. Your first story eh? The minor mistakes in grammar and the kind was still there, but no, I'm not here for that. Let's see the others.
8/29/2013 c1 DutchAver
Why, hello from another non-native speaker of the English language D Glad to see that I'm not alone in trying to write a language I don't control as well as my native one Anyway, on to the review...
I get that you wanted to write a one-shot, but the trick with writing one-shots is that you have to be very careful with giving information and having jumps in time. When it comes to one-shots, it's sometimes better to not show a few things in history, and instead just tell us how that has been. Yeah - sometimes, show, don't tell doesn't always apply. You showed pretty much everything in this one-shot, but because you did, it made the pacing go REALLY fast. As a result, you just lost me.
I once wrote a (Dutch) one-shot that took place in a fantasy-world as well, it was some kind of prologue for a larger story. I already had built the world a lot, so I already knew a whole lot of things about it - but, because it was a one-shot, I limited myself only to the backstory of which I was certain it was relevant to the one-shot. It worked. Another thing you should do only sparingly in one-shots - the jumps in time. One is usually enough in a one-shot.
I'd recommend one of two things: one, you make this into a larger story with multiple chapters, chapter one describing how Aurora meets her best friend, chapter two describing them becoming friends, et cetera. Try to make every chapter as long as you made this one and spend time in the world, describe a lot of things about it, because I'm not drawn in.
What you can also do, is just skip the whole build-up and describe only the two getting to paradise. I think this is more difficult to do right, but it'll take less time as well. What you could do is have Aurora, stuck in the ice, recalling how she and Toru became friends and how he painted the world while they're stuck there.
In both options, try to spend a lot more time on the world to make it feel more real. That's the most important thing in fantasy. Add descriptions, show us how the whole world really works if it has no colour, and explain to me exactly how Toru painted the world, because I don't get that yet. Show don't tell DOES apply when it comes to the world, as long as you don't overdo it.
Hope I was helpful!
Why, hello from another non-native speaker of the English language D Glad to see that I'm not alone in trying to write a language I don't control as well as my native one Anyway, on to the review...
I get that you wanted to write a one-shot, but the trick with writing one-shots is that you have to be very careful with giving information and having jumps in time. When it comes to one-shots, it's sometimes better to not show a few things in history, and instead just tell us how that has been. Yeah - sometimes, show, don't tell doesn't always apply. You showed pretty much everything in this one-shot, but because you did, it made the pacing go REALLY fast. As a result, you just lost me.
I once wrote a (Dutch) one-shot that took place in a fantasy-world as well, it was some kind of prologue for a larger story. I already had built the world a lot, so I already knew a whole lot of things about it - but, because it was a one-shot, I limited myself only to the backstory of which I was certain it was relevant to the one-shot. It worked. Another thing you should do only sparingly in one-shots - the jumps in time. One is usually enough in a one-shot.
I'd recommend one of two things: one, you make this into a larger story with multiple chapters, chapter one describing how Aurora meets her best friend, chapter two describing them becoming friends, et cetera. Try to make every chapter as long as you made this one and spend time in the world, describe a lot of things about it, because I'm not drawn in.
What you can also do, is just skip the whole build-up and describe only the two getting to paradise. I think this is more difficult to do right, but it'll take less time as well. What you could do is have Aurora, stuck in the ice, recalling how she and Toru became friends and how he painted the world while they're stuck there.
In both options, try to spend a lot more time on the world to make it feel more real. That's the most important thing in fantasy. Add descriptions, show us how the whole world really works if it has no colour, and explain to me exactly how Toru painted the world, because I don't get that yet. Show don't tell DOES apply when it comes to the world, as long as you don't overdo it.
Hope I was helpful!
8/11/2013 c1 31HeroofEnelios
Well now you reviewed something of mine, I definitely owe you one in return. And I'm glad I picked this one, it's really good!
You do a great job of describing things, in a setting such as the one where this takes place, and making it realistic to a point where I could imagine it. That's not easy to do in a setting like this.
"My body was moving but my heart was frozen, with boredom and sadness" that was a really good line, I want to say right now. Really nicely done.
So, very good job. I enjoyed this!
31HeroofEneliosWell now you reviewed something of mine, I definitely owe you one in return. And I'm glad I picked this one, it's really good!
You do a great job of describing things, in a setting such as the one where this takes place, and making it realistic to a point where I could imagine it. That's not easy to do in a setting like this.
"My body was moving but my heart was frozen, with boredom and sadness" that was a really good line, I want to say right now. Really nicely done.
So, very good job. I enjoyed this!
5/18/2013 c1 90Timbo Slice
I really liked the concept of the story, as it has an old "creation myth" sort of vibe, like the people in the story were the first to not only discover, but create many of the things we take for granted today, like say a beautiful flower and sunset. I thought the interaction between Aurora and Toru, and how he was the one who came up with the name for the phenomena (much to her dislike!)
There were some technical problems of the writing, some sentence structuring that could have been done better to (it helps to use a more active voice rather than just saying "The bridge collapsed. We all clashed against the frosty water and screams were heard" HOW did the bridge collapse, WHO crashed together, WHO heard the screams and so on. Also I thought more descriptors couldve helped with the writing and enhanced the story.
Keep up the good work!
90Timbo SliceI really liked the concept of the story, as it has an old "creation myth" sort of vibe, like the people in the story were the first to not only discover, but create many of the things we take for granted today, like say a beautiful flower and sunset. I thought the interaction between Aurora and Toru, and how he was the one who came up with the name for the phenomena (much to her dislike!)
There were some technical problems of the writing, some sentence structuring that could have been done better to (it helps to use a more active voice rather than just saying "The bridge collapsed. We all clashed against the frosty water and screams were heard" HOW did the bridge collapse, WHO crashed together, WHO heard the screams and so on. Also I thought more descriptors couldve helped with the writing and enhanced the story.
Keep up the good work!
5/18/2013 c1 1Fire and Thorns
Ewwh... here I go.
Hm... well I sort of didn't understand some of your first sentences. It didn't make sense to me. Like when you said greens and acorns and stuff like that... and some of your dialogue tags are really wrong. You should fix that. It was a bit annoying. The poking the butt part was weird too..
I like the ending though. It was sweet and nice.
1Fire and ThornsEwwh... here I go.
Hm... well I sort of didn't understand some of your first sentences. It didn't make sense to me. Like when you said greens and acorns and stuff like that... and some of your dialogue tags are really wrong. You should fix that. It was a bit annoying. The poking the butt part was weird too..
I like the ending though. It was sweet and nice.
5/17/2013 c1 3riverstardust
I liked the story because its really sweet and the ending was nice ) I also enjoy reading your writing style. The story flows well!
I disliked it because I felt that some parts were lacking in description. You also said that there was nothing, nothing had been drawn yet. Yet you also added that there was an occasional green? That part confused me a bit. But some parts had nice descriptions as well )
Psst, Nobody of us at the beginning should be changed to NONE of us )
3riverstardustI liked the story because its really sweet and the ending was nice ) I also enjoy reading your writing style. The story flows well!
I disliked it because I felt that some parts were lacking in description. You also said that there was nothing, nothing had been drawn yet. Yet you also added that there was an occasional green? That part confused me a bit. But some parts had nice descriptions as well )
Psst, Nobody of us at the beginning should be changed to NONE of us )