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7/3/2012 c1 Guest
Hoping you continue. This seems like a promising beginning.
2/21/2012 c1 this wild abyss
One thing I'd caution you on is using too many descriptors/flowery vocabulary. A little often goes a long way, and you often don't need as much description as you'd think. I noticed this especially in the first few paragraphs; it almost felt like you were trying too hard at times.

However, I fell that on the whole this is a fairly strong start. I think your narrator has a strong, definitive voice that makes the story-line unique and memorable. You've done a great job introducing your readers to him.
2/18/2012 c1 8Lea Ai
A new story from you! Lovely! It's been a while since your name has popped up in my inbox. As usual, you did not disappoint. Your writing style always reminds me of an old "whodunnit" novel (even when it is romance/supernatural), and the narrator is Jack Webb. :-D

Anyway, on to this piece. Great stuff. It is marked as supernatural, which immediately has me wondering if he has entered into some sort of ghost diner...but I suppose I will find out soon enough. I especially loved this line: "Her eyes looked older than her skin."-wonderful imagery!

I felt the 2nd paragraph was a little distracting. It felt like there was too much description and not enough reason. Part of me wanted to hear more about the fedora. It felt like it should have had more of a description as to why he wore it. I think you should have left out the rest of his outfit there and focused in on that one item of clothing. It's different and speaks about the wearer more so than a suit. Something along the lines of: "He wore a fedora. Dark hair peaked out under the brim; the waves touched his neck, just above his collar, too long for popular 2012 fashion. The black hat sat low on his forehead like a shield, as if he could hide from the memories that had been battling their way to the forefront of his mind." Not that of course, but something. And then maybe another sentence talking about how the rain dripped off it or something to lead into the next paragraph.

Or leave it be. :-D It just felt like "He wore a fedora." demanded more attention...

Also a couple of minor errors I noticed:

"Dane inhaled, ensured that when he opened his eyes the blue orbs wouldn't be betray his vulnerable thoughts." (erase the "be")

And an extra space before the period in: "He might have a Tony award, but it wasn't because he was a choreographer ."

But other than that, I wouldn't change a thing. Definitely a great start to what I'm sure will be another great story! :-D
2/18/2012 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
I really enjoyed this first chapter. You have a strong main character; I got a great feel for his personality/voice, and you did a great job weaving his past into the narrative without it feeling like an info-dump or making the narration drag.

My only gripe in this regard would be a little near the beginning where you go into detailing his wardrobe in the second paragraph - considering Roxi and the waitress question him about his clothes later on, I think you could eliminate that paragraph because I felt it was a little out of place and dampened the 'hook' at the beginning. Typically, for me anyway, when I read I don't really care about what a character is wearing - I appreciate it much more when the subtle details are given to me throughout the prose during interactions with other characters, like you did later on. It kinda makes the reader picture the character and learn more about that said character without even knowing they're learning.

You have some really nice metaphors, and I really enjoyed your sentence structure. Things never got boring once I was getting into the chapter, and the sentences structures never felt repetitive, so great job in that regard! It can sometimes be a difficult task to manage. :)

You also have a great balance between show vs tell to where you showed me enough to get me engaged in the writing, but also told me enough so that I never felt lost.

I did think the ending was a little abrupt, though, mostly because it felt like it was in the middle of a conversation. I would have liked a little more interaction between the two of them before the chapter ended. From the way things cut off, and I apologize if I'm wrong, it felt like the end was supposed to be a hook? As it stands, from the tone of this story, I expected a bit more of a gradual end to the first chapter, if that makes any sense. But anyway, now I feel like I'm rambling...

I really did enjoy this - you have a wonderful style. Thanks for the read. :)

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