for The World Ends Here7/20/2014 c11 
20Meng En
Hey, review-return.
You're consistent with your former pacing, yet your rhythm in this chapter is disrupted compared to your earlier counterparts. Perhaps it's the predominant usage of both simple sentence and compound structures, or maybe it's singular employment of loose sentence structure in syntactical theory, but a little more variety amongst the elements of literature would have made your chapter more appealing to me. While I understand your style of writing is dependent on dialogue and environmental interaction for the flesh of your literature, I humbly suggest a little more emphasis on the element of imagery to complement your verbal arrangements.
Regardless, your usage of diction and organization remains reasonably apportioned to your style. Well done.
-Ciaossu
20Meng EnHey, review-return.
You're consistent with your former pacing, yet your rhythm in this chapter is disrupted compared to your earlier counterparts. Perhaps it's the predominant usage of both simple sentence and compound structures, or maybe it's singular employment of loose sentence structure in syntactical theory, but a little more variety amongst the elements of literature would have made your chapter more appealing to me. While I understand your style of writing is dependent on dialogue and environmental interaction for the flesh of your literature, I humbly suggest a little more emphasis on the element of imagery to complement your verbal arrangements.
Regardless, your usage of diction and organization remains reasonably apportioned to your style. Well done.
-Ciaossu
7/17/2014 c1 9faerie-gumdrops
Hi, review return :)
So I really enjoyed how fast-paced this was, and the little twist you have at the end there with anders being a sneaky mofo. The idea of the tournament was fun too, and I can't wait to see how that goes :).
Cc wise, I think you could have possibly started in a better place. We don't need to see Monika and Bryan talking about signing up to a competition we then immediately see them sign up for - just start in the mall straight away. Also there was a lot of exposition going on through dialogue that seemed a little forced (e.g. that guy telling them what the sign up guys told him - wouldn't they know all about this already? Or if not, why don't you just have the sign-up guys tell Monika and Bryan this directly? )
9faerie-gumdropsHi, review return :)
So I really enjoyed how fast-paced this was, and the little twist you have at the end there with anders being a sneaky mofo. The idea of the tournament was fun too, and I can't wait to see how that goes :).
Cc wise, I think you could have possibly started in a better place. We don't need to see Monika and Bryan talking about signing up to a competition we then immediately see them sign up for - just start in the mall straight away. Also there was a lot of exposition going on through dialogue that seemed a little forced (e.g. that guy telling them what the sign up guys told him - wouldn't they know all about this already? Or if not, why don't you just have the sign-up guys tell Monika and Bryan this directly? )
7/16/2014 c1 2firenerd
I actually quite enjoyed this first chapter. As others have stated, it is a bit dialogue heavy, but I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. The pacing is a tad on the fast side, but it also helped to bring me into the story. I'm left curious at the end of the chapter, which ended the chapter on a mysterious but good note, making the reader want to continue your story. Overall, pretty good.
2firenerdI actually quite enjoyed this first chapter. As others have stated, it is a bit dialogue heavy, but I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. The pacing is a tad on the fast side, but it also helped to bring me into the story. I'm left curious at the end of the chapter, which ended the chapter on a mysterious but good note, making the reader want to continue your story. Overall, pretty good.
3/21/2014 c1 4tstul006
I like that you're writing is dialogue heavy. Because I'm a big fan of dialogue. But when you're going to be writing a lot of dialogue you need to make sure you can keep it from going dry. Tell us how they are feeling try and make sure that if it's an informal situation they aren't talking to stiffly. Also that they aren't stating the obvious. Because in real life we don't go around stating the obvious so our characters shouldn't either. Say the words out loud. Also you have to be sure you don't repeat information. Basically either have the characters say it or put it in the supporting paragraphs but not both.
I kinda like the way you formated it. It different. Something about it sorta reminds me of Pokemon... (don't ask why. I've never even watched the show except in passing.)
Good start.
4tstul006I like that you're writing is dialogue heavy. Because I'm a big fan of dialogue. But when you're going to be writing a lot of dialogue you need to make sure you can keep it from going dry. Tell us how they are feeling try and make sure that if it's an informal situation they aren't talking to stiffly. Also that they aren't stating the obvious. Because in real life we don't go around stating the obvious so our characters shouldn't either. Say the words out loud. Also you have to be sure you don't repeat information. Basically either have the characters say it or put it in the supporting paragraphs but not both.
I kinda like the way you formated it. It different. Something about it sorta reminds me of Pokemon... (don't ask why. I've never even watched the show except in passing.)
Good start.
1/12/2014 c4 99Dreamers-Requiem
I’d strongly suggest you re-read this. The pacing is way too fast, especially in terms of action, and a lot of it doesn’t make sense. It feels too jumpy, moving all over the place, and the last fight scene just didn’t feel exciting. Narrowing down your cast of characters, or slowing down the pace so we can actually get to know them, will really help. At the moment, there’s nothing to help the reader feel for them, relate to them or root them on. It’s just them jumping from one moment to the next with little explanation, emotion or much to really go on. Even in third person, you need to take POV into account. Try not to jump from one person to the next in one scene, as it makes it confusing. Stick with one person per scene or, even better, per chapter, as that will really help the reader connect to the people you want us to connect with. Good luck.
99Dreamers-RequiemI’d strongly suggest you re-read this. The pacing is way too fast, especially in terms of action, and a lot of it doesn’t make sense. It feels too jumpy, moving all over the place, and the last fight scene just didn’t feel exciting. Narrowing down your cast of characters, or slowing down the pace so we can actually get to know them, will really help. At the moment, there’s nothing to help the reader feel for them, relate to them or root them on. It’s just them jumping from one moment to the next with little explanation, emotion or much to really go on. Even in third person, you need to take POV into account. Try not to jump from one person to the next in one scene, as it makes it confusing. Stick with one person per scene or, even better, per chapter, as that will really help the reader connect to the people you want us to connect with. Good luck.
12/29/2013 c1 4Veronica Fay
Hi! I really like how you everything separated by time and place. It makes it easy to follow what's going on. The ending this chapter is great! That's a great way to make people interested in what's going on. The concept of your tournament was explained well and I liked that you introduced, at least the names, of a bunch of characters because these could be people going up against each other!
-Veronica
4Veronica FayHi! I really like how you everything separated by time and place. It makes it easy to follow what's going on. The ending this chapter is great! That's a great way to make people interested in what's going on. The concept of your tournament was explained well and I liked that you introduced, at least the names, of a bunch of characters because these could be people going up against each other!
-Veronica
12/7/2013 c1 4writer 145
I must admit, the dialogue wasn't very strong between Monika and Bryan. Neither really had their own voice and it lacked a little in energy, But, the bit where they almost started arguing was good, I almost imagined Monika sticking her toungue out at him.
Sometimes, the characters dialogue verges on info dump. I'm really only talking about the Fate characters bit. Just a suggestion, but it may be better if there's some other reason she's telling them. You know? Like : 'Omg, my emblem is kickass! Can't wait for the shield to pop up and commence the beat down. Huzzah!'
I do like the idea though. I love a good story that has groups of people duking it out.
To be off topic, I'd reccomend you watch an anime called Fairy Tail. It gave me the inspiration for my own, and it's quite a good one. Just got a vibe you might like it from this story :)
4writer 145I must admit, the dialogue wasn't very strong between Monika and Bryan. Neither really had their own voice and it lacked a little in energy, But, the bit where they almost started arguing was good, I almost imagined Monika sticking her toungue out at him.
Sometimes, the characters dialogue verges on info dump. I'm really only talking about the Fate characters bit. Just a suggestion, but it may be better if there's some other reason she's telling them. You know? Like : 'Omg, my emblem is kickass! Can't wait for the shield to pop up and commence the beat down. Huzzah!'
I do like the idea though. I love a good story that has groups of people duking it out.
To be off topic, I'd reccomend you watch an anime called Fairy Tail. It gave me the inspiration for my own, and it's quite a good one. Just got a vibe you might like it from this story :)
9/25/2013 c1 Argentum Vir
Hey there, Nox from the Roadhouse here.
Holy mother of fluffy infodumps. I barely start reading and I'm dunked into a tank of backstory and unfamiliar setting awash with 'characters'. Why start with a tournament where all these "familiar faces" appear to be competing? To me it feels like I'm being dropped into a bingo drum where a random name is being pulled out every few seconds. I feel like I should have read a different book first and I'm jumping into a sequel.
There's a few things I like, your format for instance, but even then I think I should know about these locations before hand rather than learn about them in the first chapter. Your character's interactions also felt natural. I felt like I got a good taste of the main characters, but I feel as though I'm missing A LOT about the others.
Take this chapter and make it more descriptive. Drop a whole bunch of characters and make us care about the ones we need to know about. If you feel like we need to know more, make it fit naturally. Write towards that goal, instead of finding a place to put them.
Hey there, Nox from the Roadhouse here.
Holy mother of fluffy infodumps. I barely start reading and I'm dunked into a tank of backstory and unfamiliar setting awash with 'characters'. Why start with a tournament where all these "familiar faces" appear to be competing? To me it feels like I'm being dropped into a bingo drum where a random name is being pulled out every few seconds. I feel like I should have read a different book first and I'm jumping into a sequel.
There's a few things I like, your format for instance, but even then I think I should know about these locations before hand rather than learn about them in the first chapter. Your character's interactions also felt natural. I felt like I got a good taste of the main characters, but I feel as though I'm missing A LOT about the others.
Take this chapter and make it more descriptive. Drop a whole bunch of characters and make us care about the ones we need to know about. If you feel like we need to know more, make it fit naturally. Write towards that goal, instead of finding a place to put them.
9/24/2013 c1 3Epic Myth
Hi, I'm Epic Myth from the Roadhouse, you reviewed my story, Men and Immortals. I am returning the favor, and before I get into the nitty gritty, I must say, "I got bored." I shit you not, I started reading and the first thing I noticed was that there was a lot of telling... a LOT of telling. On top of that, I have a hard time keeping track of these new people being introduced left and right without much significance.
The story starts off with Bryan and Monika talking about this tournament. Okay. That's fine. No Problem-o After the first two lines, Monika ranted about god knows what. And I'm like... "Huuuuh? The Order? King of Warriors?" The next sentence or so mentions the Order as a team which nearly killed Monika... and that's it. Nothing more about that relationship other than a short blurt.
As the first chapter goes on, I get more and more bored as more people continued to pop up. Lots of dialogue, but not much meat to hold it down. A lot of the talk seems random rather than being an essential. The fact that the protagonist(s) live in the warehouse doesn't do anything for me. Not much describes it or make it a setting of significance.
This story is reading to me as being... flat like cardboard. And somewhat cliche, the ending of the chapter especially. An evil force working behind the scenes. The girl is the key to the gate. The tournament turns out to be a trap.
I might be wrong. Perhaps the story gets better or splinters off that route and something unexpected occur.
Unfortunately, this being your first chapter, this is the first impression, and a bad first impression sours the experience for the reader.
Sorry if I am being harsh, but this is how I see it.
3Epic MythHi, I'm Epic Myth from the Roadhouse, you reviewed my story, Men and Immortals. I am returning the favor, and before I get into the nitty gritty, I must say, "I got bored." I shit you not, I started reading and the first thing I noticed was that there was a lot of telling... a LOT of telling. On top of that, I have a hard time keeping track of these new people being introduced left and right without much significance.
The story starts off with Bryan and Monika talking about this tournament. Okay. That's fine. No Problem-o After the first two lines, Monika ranted about god knows what. And I'm like... "Huuuuh? The Order? King of Warriors?" The next sentence or so mentions the Order as a team which nearly killed Monika... and that's it. Nothing more about that relationship other than a short blurt.
As the first chapter goes on, I get more and more bored as more people continued to pop up. Lots of dialogue, but not much meat to hold it down. A lot of the talk seems random rather than being an essential. The fact that the protagonist(s) live in the warehouse doesn't do anything for me. Not much describes it or make it a setting of significance.
This story is reading to me as being... flat like cardboard. And somewhat cliche, the ending of the chapter especially. An evil force working behind the scenes. The girl is the key to the gate. The tournament turns out to be a trap.
I might be wrong. Perhaps the story gets better or splinters off that route and something unexpected occur.
Unfortunately, this being your first chapter, this is the first impression, and a bad first impression sours the experience for the reader.
Sorry if I am being harsh, but this is how I see it.
9/15/2013 c1 2CTRL-Zed
I like this idea; everyone's some sort of superhero, and they all defend the city and fight each other. Though from this chapter, it looks like they're more preoccupied with fighting one another than defending.
So the tournament is part of some conspiracy to open a gate? That's an interesting touch. Why do the tournament organizers want to open the gate? What's on the other side? And why is Monika the one who can open this gate? That's got me hooked.
Quick grammar / spell check. Use the advice as you wish:
[The seal your given is random...] "you're" instead of "your".
[...in the shape of prince's war crown.] missing "a" before "prince's".
2CTRL-ZedI like this idea; everyone's some sort of superhero, and they all defend the city and fight each other. Though from this chapter, it looks like they're more preoccupied with fighting one another than defending.
So the tournament is part of some conspiracy to open a gate? That's an interesting touch. Why do the tournament organizers want to open the gate? What's on the other side? And why is Monika the one who can open this gate? That's got me hooked.
Quick grammar / spell check. Use the advice as you wish:
[The seal your given is random...] "you're" instead of "your".
[...in the shape of prince's war crown.] missing "a" before "prince's".
8/27/2013 c3 99Dreamers-Requiem
A lot of this is quite dialogue heavy; although there’s a little bit of description in there, you could add some more to give the reader a much stronger sense of where the characters are. As well as that, you may want to build on their emotions. Those watching the battle, for example. Some of the pacing could be slowed down as well, as it moves quick fast at times and is a little choppy. There’s a lot of characters here for the reader to try to remember, so again, I’d suggest slowing down the pace so the reader can get a better idea of the characters themselves and get to know them more. For each chapter, you may want to focus on maybe two or three characters, again, it lets the reader get to know more about them. I feel like the last part isn’t really needed. We know Viktor was working for someone, and the stuff ‘revealed’ there could maybe come up in later chapters. Try not to jump around between different sets of characters too much, as it can detract from the story.
As for the battle…I feel like you rely too much on telling, rather than showing, especially with the characters describing their moves and powers so much. Why would they do that? Surely telling their opponent about the power gives the opponent an advantage? [, Kifune had been training in a forgotten art,] If it’s forgotten, how did she train in it? [the art of redirecting lightning] Because we know what the characters are going to do before they do them, a lot of the suspense is lost. Try building up the suspense more and describing the character’s powers/moves, what they do and their effects, rather than simply stating it. Good luck, and hope this helps.
99Dreamers-RequiemA lot of this is quite dialogue heavy; although there’s a little bit of description in there, you could add some more to give the reader a much stronger sense of where the characters are. As well as that, you may want to build on their emotions. Those watching the battle, for example. Some of the pacing could be slowed down as well, as it moves quick fast at times and is a little choppy. There’s a lot of characters here for the reader to try to remember, so again, I’d suggest slowing down the pace so the reader can get a better idea of the characters themselves and get to know them more. For each chapter, you may want to focus on maybe two or three characters, again, it lets the reader get to know more about them. I feel like the last part isn’t really needed. We know Viktor was working for someone, and the stuff ‘revealed’ there could maybe come up in later chapters. Try not to jump around between different sets of characters too much, as it can detract from the story.
As for the battle…I feel like you rely too much on telling, rather than showing, especially with the characters describing their moves and powers so much. Why would they do that? Surely telling their opponent about the power gives the opponent an advantage? [, Kifune had been training in a forgotten art,] If it’s forgotten, how did she train in it? [the art of redirecting lightning] Because we know what the characters are going to do before they do them, a lot of the suspense is lost. Try building up the suspense more and describing the character’s powers/moves, what they do and their effects, rather than simply stating it. Good luck, and hope this helps.
7/31/2013 c1 aFistFullOfPeanuts
First things first, I find that a lot of the same words are repeated in this chapter, 'Sign up' springs to mind. I understand that this is what several of the characters are doing after a while it gets repetitive and it's like the reader is being treat as stupid in needing a constant reminder of what they're doing. The dialogue feels pretty wooden as well, kind of lifeless. A bit like, 'I'm gonna do this.' 'I am also gonna do this.' I feel that you need more description in what this world of yours is. It's springs to mind of a Tekken kind of world which is a great idea and has a lot of potential. You just need to find a balance between telling the reader what it's about and flooding them with information.
The positive to this chapter would be that seeds have been sown. I can see that you've set in motion the important aspects of the story. I found the 'Dockyard 8' bit very intriguing, that sort of stuff keeps the reader going and wanting to find out more. I also like the idea of the emblems and how they take form. You described that brilliantly. All in all this seems like it will go on to be a strong story.
First things first, I find that a lot of the same words are repeated in this chapter, 'Sign up' springs to mind. I understand that this is what several of the characters are doing after a while it gets repetitive and it's like the reader is being treat as stupid in needing a constant reminder of what they're doing. The dialogue feels pretty wooden as well, kind of lifeless. A bit like, 'I'm gonna do this.' 'I am also gonna do this.' I feel that you need more description in what this world of yours is. It's springs to mind of a Tekken kind of world which is a great idea and has a lot of potential. You just need to find a balance between telling the reader what it's about and flooding them with information.
The positive to this chapter would be that seeds have been sown. I can see that you've set in motion the important aspects of the story. I found the 'Dockyard 8' bit very intriguing, that sort of stuff keeps the reader going and wanting to find out more. I also like the idea of the emblems and how they take form. You described that brilliantly. All in all this seems like it will go on to be a strong story.
7/31/2013 c9 2Syneia
Great Chapter! I'd been reading this on and off for a little while, namely when I have a spare 10 minutes in work and I have to say, you certainly don't disappoint. Very intense story, gripping. One of those ones that sucks you in and keeps you reading! Love it. Well done!
2SyneiaGreat Chapter! I'd been reading this on and off for a little while, namely when I have a spare 10 minutes in work and I have to say, you certainly don't disappoint. Very intense story, gripping. One of those ones that sucks you in and keeps you reading! Love it. Well done!
7/16/2013 c2 2little egret
Hello again from the Roadhouse forum. Having trouble sleeping tonight so I thought I'd review another chapter :)
I didn't mention this in my first review but I really like how you give everyone their own title for the tournaments, that sets them apart from each other in a creative way and I also think it actually shows a bit of their personalities too - like the circlet bit with Monika. Clever devices.
I liked Michael's response to Jacob 'I only want to lose to the best' - that shows a type of respect between them and it was nice to see that Michael wasn't being a sore loser or anything. I then thought that contrasted well with your Viktor character because he comes across as very rude in the next scene with Kifune. Viktor seems to channel some really great Soul Eater vibes with the Death scythe, haha.
You do a good job of showing this world through the battles and through challenges that Kifune faces. But what happened to Monika and Bryan? I feel like this story kind of jumps around to different people, maybe - but I felt the connection was a little weak, and I'm not certain who your mains are just yet, though it's only chapter two. It really seems like you have an expansive cast, so the only thing I would worry about is how to manage all of them in a cohesive manner. Otherwise, you're doing great with the action so far!
2little egretHello again from the Roadhouse forum. Having trouble sleeping tonight so I thought I'd review another chapter :)
I didn't mention this in my first review but I really like how you give everyone their own title for the tournaments, that sets them apart from each other in a creative way and I also think it actually shows a bit of their personalities too - like the circlet bit with Monika. Clever devices.
I liked Michael's response to Jacob 'I only want to lose to the best' - that shows a type of respect between them and it was nice to see that Michael wasn't being a sore loser or anything. I then thought that contrasted well with your Viktor character because he comes across as very rude in the next scene with Kifune. Viktor seems to channel some really great Soul Eater vibes with the Death scythe, haha.
You do a good job of showing this world through the battles and through challenges that Kifune faces. But what happened to Monika and Bryan? I feel like this story kind of jumps around to different people, maybe - but I felt the connection was a little weak, and I'm not certain who your mains are just yet, though it's only chapter two. It really seems like you have an expansive cast, so the only thing I would worry about is how to manage all of them in a cohesive manner. Otherwise, you're doing great with the action so far!
7/16/2013 c1 little egret
Hello, this is a return from the Roadhouse forum, thank you for your review.
I thought the idea of tournaments like this is interesting - it bears to mind a lot of other tournament based fictions ranging from Pokemon to Hunger Games, and I thought your added uniqueness with the different seals was especially cool. I liked the description of them turning into a tattoo for Bryan and a circlet for Monika - the circlet being a favorite. They do seem fun to accessorize with! Overall there is a lot of dialogue here and this really speeds up the pacing of the first chapter. I'd like to slow down a little more, maybe, and filling in more on setting and description might help ease that quick pace. The cut scenes also attribute to it, but I think on the other hand this does catch my attention for a first chapter and you've got a lot of unique devices going on here, also hinting at a really big cast and all the characters involved. I like that we focus closely on only Monika and Bryan for the majority of this, as it worked well to use them as a grounding when you introduced a lot of new people. Good first chapter, and thanks again for your review! :)
Hello, this is a return from the Roadhouse forum, thank you for your review.
I thought the idea of tournaments like this is interesting - it bears to mind a lot of other tournament based fictions ranging from Pokemon to Hunger Games, and I thought your added uniqueness with the different seals was especially cool. I liked the description of them turning into a tattoo for Bryan and a circlet for Monika - the circlet being a favorite. They do seem fun to accessorize with! Overall there is a lot of dialogue here and this really speeds up the pacing of the first chapter. I'd like to slow down a little more, maybe, and filling in more on setting and description might help ease that quick pace. The cut scenes also attribute to it, but I think on the other hand this does catch my attention for a first chapter and you've got a lot of unique devices going on here, also hinting at a really big cast and all the characters involved. I like that we focus closely on only Monika and Bryan for the majority of this, as it worked well to use them as a grounding when you introduced a lot of new people. Good first chapter, and thanks again for your review! :)