for The World Ends Here7/6/2013 c9 A. Nonymous1234
Another good chapter! The beginning was a little slow, but the chapter steadily progressed until the ending. However, I feel as if the sudden description of Monika's outfit change kind of dulled the suspense and thrill of the battle scene.
"There's only one thing you can't seal, and that's abilities that increase speed." Did you mean steal? I noticed later on she was called Missa the Sealer, so maybe this is irrelevant..
"I think my mind I clear enough. Can we just go home now, I wanna sleep." I think my mind I clear enough? Huh? I'm not exactly sure what you meant here.
overall, I'm liking this story and will definatley read the next chapter.
-From the roadhouse
Another good chapter! The beginning was a little slow, but the chapter steadily progressed until the ending. However, I feel as if the sudden description of Monika's outfit change kind of dulled the suspense and thrill of the battle scene.
"There's only one thing you can't seal, and that's abilities that increase speed." Did you mean steal? I noticed later on she was called Missa the Sealer, so maybe this is irrelevant..
"I think my mind I clear enough. Can we just go home now, I wanna sleep." I think my mind I clear enough? Huh? I'm not exactly sure what you meant here.
overall, I'm liking this story and will definatley read the next chapter.
-From the roadhouse
7/6/2013 c2 
5Whirlymerle
[Thank You.] You should be lowercase
[He who lives born a great warrior] I think you’re missing a verb here?
[Viktor's scythe suddenly became bathed in flame as charged at Kifune.] as what charged?
Interesting chapter. I like what you did with the good match at the beginning where the loser congratulates the winner to contrast with Kifune and Viktor’s match gone wrong.
This story makes me think of Yu-Gi-oh, except with people. I think you have a lot of creative ideas, like the different battle attack names and outfits.
I didn’t really like your use of separators, because your section endings didn’t really feel definitive, and your next scenes almost immediately followed the previous. For those reasons, I feel like the separators disrupted the flow of the piece.
The other thing is, it was extremely difficult to picture Viktor and Kifune, because beside their armor and powers, you didn’t really give details of them as people. Some possible details to include, for Viktor especially since you just introduced him, is the sound of his voice, his body shape, his clothes before he transformed, etc.
5Whirlymerle[Thank You.] You should be lowercase
[He who lives born a great warrior] I think you’re missing a verb here?
[Viktor's scythe suddenly became bathed in flame as charged at Kifune.] as what charged?
Interesting chapter. I like what you did with the good match at the beginning where the loser congratulates the winner to contrast with Kifune and Viktor’s match gone wrong.
This story makes me think of Yu-Gi-oh, except with people. I think you have a lot of creative ideas, like the different battle attack names and outfits.
I didn’t really like your use of separators, because your section endings didn’t really feel definitive, and your next scenes almost immediately followed the previous. For those reasons, I feel like the separators disrupted the flow of the piece.
The other thing is, it was extremely difficult to picture Viktor and Kifune, because beside their armor and powers, you didn’t really give details of them as people. Some possible details to include, for Viktor especially since you just introduced him, is the sound of his voice, his body shape, his clothes before he transformed, etc.
7/3/2013 c1 4lookingwest
from the Roadhouse
I wasn't a big fan of your time stamps, because I felt they were kind of unnecessary, especially when they're so close together. I guess I'm just wondering what knowing it's 10:27AM means for the reader - I think it would've been the same reading experience without that knowledge, it just seemed like it was there for no specific reason. Unless this come into big play later in the story, I think it's something you could do without and integrate more into the narrative. Like when you start your jump cuts start it like, 'Two hours had passed and...' or something of that nature.
Remember to spell out numbers under 101.
I found in the opening perhaps you could establish more with setting - that goes for a lot of the different sections, especially the ending when it's all dialogue. You could totally work in some sensory imager of the dockyard, I think. Add in the smell of the water, the salt in the air maybe, the breeze or lack of breeze, that kind of thing. Give us more of an atmosphere to set up your dialogue with. Your dialogue also frequently has the wrong punctuation for its speaker tags. I would advise you to go do a Google search and search, "How to punctuate dialogue" and you should get some good sources on how to achieve that properly. If you keep ending the dialogue in periods when it should be commas, it makes things feel very stilted as far as stylistic flow, so that's why I would really suggest cleaning it up with some editing effort. Also as a tip - try to use the word "said" as much as possible. Do away with "replied" or "exclaimed", that kind of thing.
The premise sounds cool and I liked the characterization you did of Bryan and Monika. I think the strongest part was the second part, as the rest felt a little bare bones. I also liked the second part because of the description of the pendants, it really perked up my interest to keep reading, so well done with that!
4lookingwestfrom the Roadhouse
I wasn't a big fan of your time stamps, because I felt they were kind of unnecessary, especially when they're so close together. I guess I'm just wondering what knowing it's 10:27AM means for the reader - I think it would've been the same reading experience without that knowledge, it just seemed like it was there for no specific reason. Unless this come into big play later in the story, I think it's something you could do without and integrate more into the narrative. Like when you start your jump cuts start it like, 'Two hours had passed and...' or something of that nature.
Remember to spell out numbers under 101.
I found in the opening perhaps you could establish more with setting - that goes for a lot of the different sections, especially the ending when it's all dialogue. You could totally work in some sensory imager of the dockyard, I think. Add in the smell of the water, the salt in the air maybe, the breeze or lack of breeze, that kind of thing. Give us more of an atmosphere to set up your dialogue with. Your dialogue also frequently has the wrong punctuation for its speaker tags. I would advise you to go do a Google search and search, "How to punctuate dialogue" and you should get some good sources on how to achieve that properly. If you keep ending the dialogue in periods when it should be commas, it makes things feel very stilted as far as stylistic flow, so that's why I would really suggest cleaning it up with some editing effort. Also as a tip - try to use the word "said" as much as possible. Do away with "replied" or "exclaimed", that kind of thing.
The premise sounds cool and I liked the characterization you did of Bryan and Monika. I think the strongest part was the second part, as the rest felt a little bare bones. I also liked the second part because of the description of the pendants, it really perked up my interest to keep reading, so well done with that!
6/29/2013 c1 1Hauviette
Greetings from the Roadhouse!
I found your story nteresting in terms of the titles the characters were given, such as The Phantom of the Dark and The Shining Dawn. I also liked how you got straight to the point instead of going through trivial matters that would've made certain authors seem like they're trying to increase the word count of the story.
However, I found that you could've described more about the characters. Things such as their feelings, their appearance. It can possibly make the reader relate more to character. There were also a few punctuation
errors here and there
1HauvietteGreetings from the Roadhouse!
I found your story nteresting in terms of the titles the characters were given, such as The Phantom of the Dark and The Shining Dawn. I also liked how you got straight to the point instead of going through trivial matters that would've made certain authors seem like they're trying to increase the word count of the story.
However, I found that you could've described more about the characters. Things such as their feelings, their appearance. It can possibly make the reader relate more to character. There were also a few punctuation
errors here and there
6/6/2013 c1 Lukas Artair
I like the style. When I started reading (with fair warning from the description) I felt like I'm reading an anime-like story. I still do feel that way, and it's not a bad thing at all! I think it's awesome!
"T.V" is probably better written as TV or T.V. Periods after both letters.
"What about you Mr. Talk Softly Carry a Big Stick Stereotypical Guy?" I love this part, and I love stories that have things like these. It's easier to immerse yourself in the story if it has humor, of course only if it's appropriate. BUT this is better written as "Mr. Talk-Softly-Carry-a-Big-Stick Stereotypical Guy." Hyphens makes it easier to identify the entire word ramble as a single adjective/adverb.
I shall read more this week! Great job!
I like the style. When I started reading (with fair warning from the description) I felt like I'm reading an anime-like story. I still do feel that way, and it's not a bad thing at all! I think it's awesome!
"T.V" is probably better written as TV or T.V. Periods after both letters.
"What about you Mr. Talk Softly Carry a Big Stick Stereotypical Guy?" I love this part, and I love stories that have things like these. It's easier to immerse yourself in the story if it has humor, of course only if it's appropriate. BUT this is better written as "Mr. Talk-Softly-Carry-a-Big-Stick Stereotypical Guy." Hyphens makes it easier to identify the entire word ramble as a single adjective/adverb.
I shall read more this week! Great job!
5/23/2013 c1 4Lolitroy
'Sup.
Nice summary, first of all.
Second, nice writing style. Good idea, and you left me hooked! My only problem with the story is the rush I feel, like you straight to the point and leave the characters behind.
Other than that, it's good!
4Lolitroy'Sup.
Nice summary, first of all.
Second, nice writing style. Good idea, and you left me hooked! My only problem with the story is the rush I feel, like you straight to the point and leave the characters behind.
Other than that, it's good!
4/30/2013 c8 A. Nonymous1234
Hey, I reviewed this story a while back so I figured it was time to see if there was a new chapter- and to my delight there was. I'm not a big reader of fantasy, but this is one I actually enjoy. The pacing is nice as well as the mixture of action, even if sometimes it does seem a little out there, but hey, it's fantasy. The characters each have their own distinct personalities. I've already gone over this in my other review, so I'll just review this chapter. I did find myself skimming a little until the end, mostly just because I still have trouble with fantasy and getting into it, where she gets the key and slightly before. Another good chapter overall.
Hey, I reviewed this story a while back so I figured it was time to see if there was a new chapter- and to my delight there was. I'm not a big reader of fantasy, but this is one I actually enjoy. The pacing is nice as well as the mixture of action, even if sometimes it does seem a little out there, but hey, it's fantasy. The characters each have their own distinct personalities. I've already gone over this in my other review, so I'll just review this chapter. I did find myself skimming a little until the end, mostly just because I still have trouble with fantasy and getting into it, where she gets the key and slightly before. Another good chapter overall.
4/28/2013 c2 99Dreamers-Requiem
There’s too much explanation here. It really detracts from the action. A lot of telling, rather than showing; show the effects of the moves and attacks, rather than telling the reader what they do. A lot of the sentences are quite awkward, too. I feel like we know too little about any of the characters to really care about them, or what happens to them. ["Like this. Advance Form," A blue aura] Although stating things like ‘Advance Form’ may work in more visually based mediums, they don’t translate over well to pose. They are not needed, as long as you show the reader what’s happening rather than stating something then describing it. The end of dialogue, unless followed by a speech tag, should have a full-stop at the end rather than a comma. You have an interesting idea here, but I think it needs some cleaning up so it can be stronger. Good luck.
99Dreamers-RequiemThere’s too much explanation here. It really detracts from the action. A lot of telling, rather than showing; show the effects of the moves and attacks, rather than telling the reader what they do. A lot of the sentences are quite awkward, too. I feel like we know too little about any of the characters to really care about them, or what happens to them. ["Like this. Advance Form," A blue aura] Although stating things like ‘Advance Form’ may work in more visually based mediums, they don’t translate over well to pose. They are not needed, as long as you show the reader what’s happening rather than stating something then describing it. The end of dialogue, unless followed by a speech tag, should have a full-stop at the end rather than a comma. You have an interesting idea here, but I think it needs some cleaning up so it can be stronger. Good luck.
4/4/2013 c2 1ScribbleMonkey
I'm here from le Roadhouse! I figured I would review this chapter since a lot of people had already reviewed the first one.
Ok! First with the boring yet important stuff:
"A crowd was starting to gather, most people there to eagerly see a fight start as both competitors began their change to battle form."
When I read this it didn't make sense at first. I think a comma after 'start' would help that.
"Kifune's battle form starting appearing around her"
'Started'
"even though both fighters could see the outside and vice-versa."
Sometimes this kind of casual narrative voice works, but I just don't think it does here.
"her hidden trident tip dig into Viktor's chest."
The way I read it 'dig' doesn't make sense there.
Onto the critiquing!
So I love this by the way. While there are some issues with the writing the overall tone and visuals are effective enough. It also makes me nostalgic (and I mean this in the best possible way) about the old cartoons I used to watch from the eighties or early nineties (they were the best!)
Your characters fighting styles are well fleshed out and I particularly like the idea of the four horsemen. That is killer. I'm really liking Kifune, she don't take none of Viktor's misogynistic bullcrap. Put her in her place? Psh. I like me a strong lady ;)
The transition from the first scene to the next seemed a bit rushed and lackadaisical - like "here, take a transition" thwack! But for the rest it was good pacing. Interesting characters, and for the most part the fighting scenes were done well! I love the idea of an arena forming around them wherever they are. That may have been my favourite thing in this chapter! It seems real interesting so keep it up!
1ScribbleMonkeyI'm here from le Roadhouse! I figured I would review this chapter since a lot of people had already reviewed the first one.
Ok! First with the boring yet important stuff:
"A crowd was starting to gather, most people there to eagerly see a fight start as both competitors began their change to battle form."
When I read this it didn't make sense at first. I think a comma after 'start' would help that.
"Kifune's battle form starting appearing around her"
'Started'
"even though both fighters could see the outside and vice-versa."
Sometimes this kind of casual narrative voice works, but I just don't think it does here.
"her hidden trident tip dig into Viktor's chest."
The way I read it 'dig' doesn't make sense there.
Onto the critiquing!
So I love this by the way. While there are some issues with the writing the overall tone and visuals are effective enough. It also makes me nostalgic (and I mean this in the best possible way) about the old cartoons I used to watch from the eighties or early nineties (they were the best!)
Your characters fighting styles are well fleshed out and I particularly like the idea of the four horsemen. That is killer. I'm really liking Kifune, she don't take none of Viktor's misogynistic bullcrap. Put her in her place? Psh. I like me a strong lady ;)
The transition from the first scene to the next seemed a bit rushed and lackadaisical - like "here, take a transition" thwack! But for the rest it was good pacing. Interesting characters, and for the most part the fighting scenes were done well! I love the idea of an arena forming around them wherever they are. That may have been my favourite thing in this chapter! It seems real interesting so keep it up!
4/3/2013 c1 3RBFOXTROT
i really like the style of times being shown it really helps me imagine the tie of day, however i think the characters need a bit more detail and about the two character going into the tournament and how they are feeling. good though, following this. :)
3RBFOXTROTi really like the style of times being shown it really helps me imagine the tie of day, however i think the characters need a bit more detail and about the two character going into the tournament and how they are feeling. good though, following this. :)
4/2/2013 c1 1Hedj.V
While I do like how you jump into the story and get the readers involved in the plot right away, I didn't connect with your characters so much. There were some well-done exchanges between Monika and Bryan that helped with their development somewhat and were quite funny, but I think it would help to create more background.
The way it is now almost feels as though this is a continuing work (if it is saying that in the summary would be a good idea) simply because there is little time spent on the characters otherwise, as if we are already acquainted with them. It is especially important because you introduce a lot of character names so I am assuming there will be many characters to differentiate between in the future. If we don't have a solid basis (looks, personality, mannerisms, etc...) it will be difficult to tell them apart.
"The seal your given" - should be 'you're' as in 'you are given'
"weapon or is show able" - show able sounds slightly off, maybe 'or is visible'
"quite weak for sure" - I don't think the 'for sure' is necessary
"Anders also said." - instead of saying 'also said' you could say 'added quietly' or something along those lines.
Overall you have a very well-thought out idea here and I like how much suspense you manage to build up in the first chapter alone! My advice is more character development which will help with the slightly rushed pacing, and to add more descriptions to bring the story to life rather than list everything out so factually. Otherwise you have quite a start here!
1Hedj.VWhile I do like how you jump into the story and get the readers involved in the plot right away, I didn't connect with your characters so much. There were some well-done exchanges between Monika and Bryan that helped with their development somewhat and were quite funny, but I think it would help to create more background.
The way it is now almost feels as though this is a continuing work (if it is saying that in the summary would be a good idea) simply because there is little time spent on the characters otherwise, as if we are already acquainted with them. It is especially important because you introduce a lot of character names so I am assuming there will be many characters to differentiate between in the future. If we don't have a solid basis (looks, personality, mannerisms, etc...) it will be difficult to tell them apart.
"The seal your given" - should be 'you're' as in 'you are given'
"weapon or is show able" - show able sounds slightly off, maybe 'or is visible'
"quite weak for sure" - I don't think the 'for sure' is necessary
"Anders also said." - instead of saying 'also said' you could say 'added quietly' or something along those lines.
Overall you have a very well-thought out idea here and I like how much suspense you manage to build up in the first chapter alone! My advice is more character development which will help with the slightly rushed pacing, and to add more descriptions to bring the story to life rather than list everything out so factually. Otherwise you have quite a start here!
3/6/2013 c1 Guest
Hello there! Your idea for this is interesting and not entirely clear for the first chapter, which is good; it makes the reader want to keep going. However, you have little description and what description you do have is all telling and blaring-it's not slipped neatly into the text and somewhat jars the flow of your sentences. You're also giving the reader all of the information right out of the gates instead of metering it out over a handful of chapters. The easiest way to remedy this is to take some of the information that you gave in this chapter and put it into later chapters so that the reader wants to keep reading to find out what's going on.
Hello there! Your idea for this is interesting and not entirely clear for the first chapter, which is good; it makes the reader want to keep going. However, you have little description and what description you do have is all telling and blaring-it's not slipped neatly into the text and somewhat jars the flow of your sentences. You're also giving the reader all of the information right out of the gates instead of metering it out over a handful of chapters. The easiest way to remedy this is to take some of the information that you gave in this chapter and put it into later chapters so that the reader wants to keep reading to find out what's going on.
3/2/2013 c1 1Daisy215
Although the summary seemed a bit bland the beginning of the story really caught my attention, it was a good way to start and it pulled me in. I felt like a lot of people were introduced all in the first chapter and I found it a little overwhelming. I would have liked to see more of Monika and Bryan and get to know them better. I liked the end too, I'm interested to see why Monika is so important, great cliffhanger!
1Daisy215Although the summary seemed a bit bland the beginning of the story really caught my attention, it was a good way to start and it pulled me in. I felt like a lot of people were introduced all in the first chapter and I found it a little overwhelming. I would have liked to see more of Monika and Bryan and get to know them better. I liked the end too, I'm interested to see why Monika is so important, great cliffhanger!
2/23/2013 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
A lot of this feels quite jumpy. It moves quickly from one thing to another; you may want to try to focus on slowing down the pace, maybe adding in more description around the dialogue, focusing on surroundings, actions and the emotions of the characters. It is a bit dialogue heavy, and it means that things move too quickly for the reader to really connect to any of the characters. Be careful of telling, rather than showing, and as a small minor point, numbers should be written in words, so twenty instead of 20, twelve, fifteen or thirty-one (as random examples) instead of 12, 15 or 31. Like I said, just a minor note but it would make the text look better on the screen.
99Dreamers-RequiemA lot of this feels quite jumpy. It moves quickly from one thing to another; you may want to try to focus on slowing down the pace, maybe adding in more description around the dialogue, focusing on surroundings, actions and the emotions of the characters. It is a bit dialogue heavy, and it means that things move too quickly for the reader to really connect to any of the characters. Be careful of telling, rather than showing, and as a small minor point, numbers should be written in words, so twenty instead of 20, twelve, fifteen or thirty-one (as random examples) instead of 12, 15 or 31. Like I said, just a minor note but it would make the text look better on the screen.
1/29/2013 c2 14Shampoo Suicide
"The seal your given is random and you have to get nine different others." Should be you're"
"Kifune dodged his first sliced" Should be sliced.
""A crown, seriously? What are you, six?" Bryan commented.
"At least I'm being high class. What about you Mr. Talk Softly Carry a Big Stick Stereotypical Guy?" Monika snapped back."
Love the humor there! I'm not usually into fantasy, so working the laughs in works well for me. Keeps it interesting for me rather than having to sort through what means what in this imagined world. What I've read so far is interesting, and I'll keep reading and reviewing for sure.
14Shampoo Suicide"The seal your given is random and you have to get nine different others." Should be you're"
"Kifune dodged his first sliced" Should be sliced.
""A crown, seriously? What are you, six?" Bryan commented.
"At least I'm being high class. What about you Mr. Talk Softly Carry a Big Stick Stereotypical Guy?" Monika snapped back."
Love the humor there! I'm not usually into fantasy, so working the laughs in works well for me. Keeps it interesting for me rather than having to sort through what means what in this imagined world. What I've read so far is interesting, and I'll keep reading and reviewing for sure.