for The World Ends Here1/11/2013 c5 
2Syneia
I thought this was pretty good. The fight scene was well written and it had a nice sense of realism. Usually im not a fan of superpowers and the like but this was good none the less. I'll certainly be keeping up to date with this one :)
2SyneiaI thought this was pretty good. The fight scene was well written and it had a nice sense of realism. Usually im not a fan of superpowers and the like but this was good none the less. I'll certainly be keeping up to date with this one :)
1/8/2013 c3 8Sombrette
I loved the action in the fight scenes between the two. I still think its awesome how each 'move' or 'power' had those unique names, and the description about them is nicely done and it makes it very easy to picture. This is really interesting and I'm curious as to why Kifune's wound wouldn't heal. You obviously have the background to the tournaments set up properly, like where it was mentioned that they heal after it's over. I thought that was really neat. Very cool so far :)
8SombretteI loved the action in the fight scenes between the two. I still think its awesome how each 'move' or 'power' had those unique names, and the description about them is nicely done and it makes it very easy to picture. This is really interesting and I'm curious as to why Kifune's wound wouldn't heal. You obviously have the background to the tournaments set up properly, like where it was mentioned that they heal after it's over. I thought that was really neat. Very cool so far :)
12/24/2012 c7 6Corinne90
I've read your story I'm not a great at grammar, but I do like how your story and writing style have gotten original thought was that, you were writing in a manga style. But that didn't take me away from the story, good job.
6Corinne90I've read your story I'm not a great at grammar, but I do like how your story and writing style have gotten original thought was that, you were writing in a manga style. But that didn't take me away from the story, good job.
12/23/2012 c2 4Sevenvoyager
What I noticed so far is that your readers sort of jump into a world and story that hasnt really been explained to them. Youre very descriptive and your writing style is nice to read, there are no grammar or spelling mistakes but I find it confusing to just jump into a world. Perhaps its a good idea to explain some things first before you hit off with the action. Other then that its a good read.
4SevenvoyagerWhat I noticed so far is that your readers sort of jump into a world and story that hasnt really been explained to them. Youre very descriptive and your writing style is nice to read, there are no grammar or spelling mistakes but I find it confusing to just jump into a world. Perhaps its a good idea to explain some things first before you hit off with the action. Other then that its a good read.
12/22/2012 c2 8Sombrette
I liked this. I especially liked the different seals and titles everyone was given. I also like that the competitors shout out the ability they are about to perform, it sort of reminded me of final fantasy, they don't shout out their powers but you get the idea :)
There's so much information it's clear you have set up the background to this story pretty solidly. I appreciated that, we get to just jump into an already formed world and spectate. One small boo boo I'll point out is, when someone speaks a name there is usually a comma before or after the name.
Example from first chapter:
["Way to stay positive Bryan," ] - there should be a comma before Bryan's name since she's speaking directly to him, if she was only referencing him there's no comma needed.
So 'way to stay positive(,) Bryan," the same goes if they speak their name first like - 'Bryan(,) way to stay positive,'
And for you dialogue, the dialogue itself doesn't need tweaking but I think you should use a bigger variety of dialogue tags. You use a lot of 'said'.. he said... she said... said said said. Mix it around a bit, maybe he replied or retorted or answered or so on...
Aside from that I found this a pretty nice story so far :)
8SombretteI liked this. I especially liked the different seals and titles everyone was given. I also like that the competitors shout out the ability they are about to perform, it sort of reminded me of final fantasy, they don't shout out their powers but you get the idea :)
There's so much information it's clear you have set up the background to this story pretty solidly. I appreciated that, we get to just jump into an already formed world and spectate. One small boo boo I'll point out is, when someone speaks a name there is usually a comma before or after the name.
Example from first chapter:
["Way to stay positive Bryan," ] - there should be a comma before Bryan's name since she's speaking directly to him, if she was only referencing him there's no comma needed.
So 'way to stay positive(,) Bryan," the same goes if they speak their name first like - 'Bryan(,) way to stay positive,'
And for you dialogue, the dialogue itself doesn't need tweaking but I think you should use a bigger variety of dialogue tags. You use a lot of 'said'.. he said... she said... said said said. Mix it around a bit, maybe he replied or retorted or answered or so on...
Aside from that I found this a pretty nice story so far :)
12/22/2012 c1 8Kay Iscah
You have a whole lot of dialogue without any descriptions, and I don't think that works well for fantasy. I would very seriously consider going back and filling in with more descriptions to help flesh out this world, which I suspect is very vivid in your own mind, to make it vivid in the readers. I'm not say you need big blocky paragraphs of world description, but something as simple as describing the flyer can help build a sense of time and place.
For instance in a futuristic setting, the flyer might be made of smart ink that changes or rotates advertisements. In a medeival setting the flyer might be made of parchment. In present day it might be printed on cheap copy paper. Is Monika holding a flyer that's nailed to a tree, torn from a message board, or is the street littered with copies?
If you're happy with your dialogue, keep it, just tell us more about what you see in your minds eye. Maybe give simple descriptions of characters like coloring, height, or expressions.
8Kay IscahYou have a whole lot of dialogue without any descriptions, and I don't think that works well for fantasy. I would very seriously consider going back and filling in with more descriptions to help flesh out this world, which I suspect is very vivid in your own mind, to make it vivid in the readers. I'm not say you need big blocky paragraphs of world description, but something as simple as describing the flyer can help build a sense of time and place.
For instance in a futuristic setting, the flyer might be made of smart ink that changes or rotates advertisements. In a medeival setting the flyer might be made of parchment. In present day it might be printed on cheap copy paper. Is Monika holding a flyer that's nailed to a tree, torn from a message board, or is the street littered with copies?
If you're happy with your dialogue, keep it, just tell us more about what you see in your minds eye. Maybe give simple descriptions of characters like coloring, height, or expressions.
12/19/2012 c7 Link Roc
Okay, with Odiom and Bryan's beat down, I got a STRONG Batman Begins vibe from the conviction bit...like, SERIOUSLY "line taken from the thing" strong
Transitioning between different scenes is really needed, as usual, and the ending nags at me. I get that there's spells for healing and everything, but you wrote yourself that it was INTENSIVE CARE and excruciating...even WITH spells, people just gonna let a patient out of a hospital?
Okay, with Odiom and Bryan's beat down, I got a STRONG Batman Begins vibe from the conviction bit...like, SERIOUSLY "line taken from the thing" strong
Transitioning between different scenes is really needed, as usual, and the ending nags at me. I get that there's spells for healing and everything, but you wrote yourself that it was INTENSIVE CARE and excruciating...even WITH spells, people just gonna let a patient out of a hospital?
12/19/2012 c6 Link Roc
Alright, battle was better this time around, I'll admit. Not quite sure arrows are COMPLETELY superior to swords, cuz I've seen some that manage to cut through armor all the same... -shrugs-
Ending's kind of iffy. Surprise he didn't take a double-take or something or be all "What the hell..." or stuff like that, since she's a big person to him and haven't been seen in awhile, or SOMETHING, but that's just me XD
Alright, battle was better this time around, I'll admit. Not quite sure arrows are COMPLETELY superior to swords, cuz I've seen some that manage to cut through armor all the same... -shrugs-
Ending's kind of iffy. Surprise he didn't take a double-take or something or be all "What the hell..." or stuff like that, since she's a big person to him and haven't been seen in awhile, or SOMETHING, but that's just me XD
12/19/2012 c5 Link Roc
Some of this nags...
3 Foot long blades on fingers? Not sure wolverine has those kind of claws, I'd imagine they'd be hard to move strapped to one's fingers like that.
Battle was...OKAY, I think, but the ending...again, it nags.
Asher: -blown away- AAAAH! -pwned mercilessly-
-two seconds later-
Asher: i'm completely fine, i forgive whatever was wrong, wanna catch a flick?
Wouldn't he be like...injured?
Some of this nags...
3 Foot long blades on fingers? Not sure wolverine has those kind of claws, I'd imagine they'd be hard to move strapped to one's fingers like that.
Battle was...OKAY, I think, but the ending...again, it nags.
Asher: -blown away- AAAAH! -pwned mercilessly-
-two seconds later-
Asher: i'm completely fine, i forgive whatever was wrong, wanna catch a flick?
Wouldn't he be like...injured?
12/19/2012 c4 Link Roc
Another one to poke at.
Some of the recovery part doesn't seem...realistic. As a man who spent time in a hospital bed for at least a week, I don't see this happening. I mean, the guy JUST woke up and instead of being laid up and feeling like he should rest up, even IF he was checked out, he's like "Yeah, I'm leaving, BYE!" and they LET him?
Also, how does that one girl know the precise details of the bomb's explosive ingredients? Was it aired on TV or released on the internet? Do the police reveal that information?
Bryan's fight with two goons was INCREDIBLY short, an instant victory, and for having a GREAT rivalry with a rich kid, the battle didn't last long either. I'd figure it'd be longer with both people thinking about how great it would be to beat the ever loving crap out of each other and try to plan around one's battle tactics and fighting style, but... -shrugs-
Another one to poke at.
Some of the recovery part doesn't seem...realistic. As a man who spent time in a hospital bed for at least a week, I don't see this happening. I mean, the guy JUST woke up and instead of being laid up and feeling like he should rest up, even IF he was checked out, he's like "Yeah, I'm leaving, BYE!" and they LET him?
Also, how does that one girl know the precise details of the bomb's explosive ingredients? Was it aired on TV or released on the internet? Do the police reveal that information?
Bryan's fight with two goons was INCREDIBLY short, an instant victory, and for having a GREAT rivalry with a rich kid, the battle didn't last long either. I'd figure it'd be longer with both people thinking about how great it would be to beat the ever loving crap out of each other and try to plan around one's battle tactics and fighting style, but... -shrugs-
12/19/2012 c3 Link Roc
Well, I'm glad you have SOME explanation as to how she re-directed the lightning and didn't DIE after it hit her...but, as for Viktor? I get that he's dying and everything, but the way he's saying his last words, it doesn't...feel QUITE right. Usually, I see people being strained or in pain when they're dying and trying to impart one final word in the world of the living, but the way I see it, it's like
"Oh, by the way, some bad stuff is happening, I'm an idiot for doing it, okay gonna die now!" -falls over- "BLEH"
As for the bomb...there was barely anything there when it went off in the paragraph. Really, the thing that stood out is that it knocked the others off their feet. There's no detail talk about fire, smoke, debris...and is it just me, or did the cops and paramedics get there REALLY quickly?
Well, I'm glad you have SOME explanation as to how she re-directed the lightning and didn't DIE after it hit her...but, as for Viktor? I get that he's dying and everything, but the way he's saying his last words, it doesn't...feel QUITE right. Usually, I see people being strained or in pain when they're dying and trying to impart one final word in the world of the living, but the way I see it, it's like
"Oh, by the way, some bad stuff is happening, I'm an idiot for doing it, okay gonna die now!" -falls over- "BLEH"
As for the bomb...there was barely anything there when it went off in the paragraph. Really, the thing that stood out is that it knocked the others off their feet. There's no detail talk about fire, smoke, debris...and is it just me, or did the cops and paramedics get there REALLY quickly?
12/19/2012 c2 Link Roc
WOW, okay, we're really jumping into this, aren't we? We see one fight in this tournament their in, then all of a sudden a major baddy with epic powers of death and destruction appears out of nowhere. And the axe-scythe? When they said it came from Death himself, do they ACTUALLY mean "DEATH" or is that a name of a legendary fighter? Because if it's the first one, I'd imagine it able to kill someone when it slices through someone...
I'm not HATING this, because I like the Death and 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse inspiration stuff, I'm always up for something with Biblical references for powers or characters
WOW, okay, we're really jumping into this, aren't we? We see one fight in this tournament their in, then all of a sudden a major baddy with epic powers of death and destruction appears out of nowhere. And the axe-scythe? When they said it came from Death himself, do they ACTUALLY mean "DEATH" or is that a name of a legendary fighter? Because if it's the first one, I'd imagine it able to kill someone when it slices through someone...
I'm not HATING this, because I like the Death and 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse inspiration stuff, I'm always up for something with Biblical references for powers or characters
12/19/2012 c1 Link Roc
Gonna be TOTALLY honest here.
I have NO idea what's going on in this chapter. There's talk about a game, I think, and rival people, but I have no idea what the game is about! I don't know if it's mentioned in coming chapters, but it just nags at me that there's all this stuff going on about signing up, getting crests (which btw get more details than the actual characters themselves, as well as the warehouse), and whatnot; the chapter is "Welcome to the World". WHAT world? I see some random kids, a mall, a game, a warehouse...but what is WITH the world?
What game are they doing? Why are they living in warehouses?
I'm sorry if it seem a bit harsh and what not, but it feels like there's quite a bit of stuff missing for an introductory chapter called "Welcome to the World" and we barely know anything about it.
Gonna be TOTALLY honest here.
I have NO idea what's going on in this chapter. There's talk about a game, I think, and rival people, but I have no idea what the game is about! I don't know if it's mentioned in coming chapters, but it just nags at me that there's all this stuff going on about signing up, getting crests (which btw get more details than the actual characters themselves, as well as the warehouse), and whatnot; the chapter is "Welcome to the World". WHAT world? I see some random kids, a mall, a game, a warehouse...but what is WITH the world?
What game are they doing? Why are they living in warehouses?
I'm sorry if it seem a bit harsh and what not, but it feels like there's quite a bit of stuff missing for an introductory chapter called "Welcome to the World" and we barely know anything about it.
12/11/2012 c2 11Unweighted Book Author
The fight felt somewhat out of place. We don't really know or understand Kifune as a character yet, but she's already involved in a big fight, and that reduces the impact of the whole scene. It'd have been better if we knew more about her character before the fight. As it is we can't really connect with the character or enjoy the dialogue.
On the plus side, you've got plenty of creativity, which always makes me happy to see as a reader. The powers and abilities of each character are varied and interesting. The themes and references used are nice. The fight is well choreographed, which is something that many readers surprisingly overlook. It flows very well and logically, so that's a big plus point.
11Unweighted Book AuthorThe fight felt somewhat out of place. We don't really know or understand Kifune as a character yet, but she's already involved in a big fight, and that reduces the impact of the whole scene. It'd have been better if we knew more about her character before the fight. As it is we can't really connect with the character or enjoy the dialogue.
On the plus side, you've got plenty of creativity, which always makes me happy to see as a reader. The powers and abilities of each character are varied and interesting. The themes and references used are nice. The fight is well choreographed, which is something that many readers surprisingly overlook. It flows very well and logically, so that's a big plus point.
12/5/2012 c7 A. Nonymous1234
Good story so far! I'm not one for fantasy, but I actually really like this. The characters are all well written, and even the minor ones are unique. I couldn't find that many grammar or spelling mistakes, and the chapters are nice and long. Keep this story up, I'm looking forward to more.
Good story so far! I'm not one for fantasy, but I actually really like this. The characters are all well written, and even the minor ones are unique. I couldn't find that many grammar or spelling mistakes, and the chapters are nice and long. Keep this story up, I'm looking forward to more.