for The World Ends Here9/28/2012 c4 
1Loraine Wentworth
Sorry it has taken me so long to return your review, I was away for a while.
This is another interesting chapter. I do like how this story continues to move along at a fast, constant pace. It really keeps my interest.
It's nice to see how the characters interact with each other here in this difficult situation they are in. Their worry over Bryan helps to reveal things about their personalties. Bryan is clearly a pretty determined character, willing to fight again after being unconscious in hospital.
1Loraine WentworthSorry it has taken me so long to return your review, I was away for a while.
This is another interesting chapter. I do like how this story continues to move along at a fast, constant pace. It really keeps my interest.
It's nice to see how the characters interact with each other here in this difficult situation they are in. Their worry over Bryan helps to reveal things about their personalties. Bryan is clearly a pretty determined character, willing to fight again after being unconscious in hospital.
8/20/2012 c6 4AThousandPromises
Wow, this is really good. I like the match and the fighting, it was very interesting. I couldn't really find any mistakes, except in "He was a man of many facets.", maybe you meant "...of many FACES"? Aside from this, I'm sorry I don't have any more criticism, but I really like your story :)
4AThousandPromisesWow, this is really good. I like the match and the fighting, it was very interesting. I couldn't really find any mistakes, except in "He was a man of many facets.", maybe you meant "...of many FACES"? Aside from this, I'm sorry I don't have any more criticism, but I really like your story :)
8/19/2012 c3 1Loraine Wentworth
As with the earlier chapters, I think the action is well described. It was easy to follow and exciting.
Specifics:
she cried out in pain. [Repetition of pain]
Cheapass [Should this be cheap-ass?]
the explosion was massive [This seems to happen very suddenly. I think you could get more drama out of this event.]
I also think you could draw out Viktor's death a bit more to make it more dramatic.
You asked for ideas about tournament fighter: how about a fighter that didn't have any magical powers, but was just a very, very, very strong fighter? So strong that they could get around the magic users. In contrast, you could go to the other extreme, and have a character that is physically very weak, but has very strong magical ability.
Anyway, this was an enjoyable chapter, I'll be continuing to read.
1Loraine WentworthAs with the earlier chapters, I think the action is well described. It was easy to follow and exciting.
Specifics:
she cried out in pain. [Repetition of pain]
Cheapass [Should this be cheap-ass?]
the explosion was massive [This seems to happen very suddenly. I think you could get more drama out of this event.]
I also think you could draw out Viktor's death a bit more to make it more dramatic.
You asked for ideas about tournament fighter: how about a fighter that didn't have any magical powers, but was just a very, very, very strong fighter? So strong that they could get around the magic users. In contrast, you could go to the other extreme, and have a character that is physically very weak, but has very strong magical ability.
Anyway, this was an enjoyable chapter, I'll be continuing to read.
8/14/2012 c1 2B.R. McNair
Hmm. I may be wrong in saying this, but you seem to be influenced quite a bit by Japanese animation. The titles of the fighters, the premise itself, the dialogue - it all seems quite similar to some of the shows I've seen. I generally like stories that have influences from those sources, so I personally view it as a good thing.
As I feel about all dialogue based stories and chapters, I would have liked to see more description and thoughts in the chapter. I know it's more of a prologue/intro but I still like to see some added depth. Your characters are pretty one dimensional at the moment, but that's to be expected from the first chapter. It'll be interesting to see where you go with them.
My biggest complaint is that some of what you wrote seemed kind of corny. Like Fate's explanation of the sign up process. He seemed really immature and young. And not in the good way. I feel like there just could have been a lot more poise in this chapter.
Peace and love,
B.R. McNair
P.S.- Returning the favor from Roadhouse. I hope you don't mind that I reviewed chapter one. I tend to return reviews for the same chapter that was reviewed for me.
2B.R. McNairHmm. I may be wrong in saying this, but you seem to be influenced quite a bit by Japanese animation. The titles of the fighters, the premise itself, the dialogue - it all seems quite similar to some of the shows I've seen. I generally like stories that have influences from those sources, so I personally view it as a good thing.
As I feel about all dialogue based stories and chapters, I would have liked to see more description and thoughts in the chapter. I know it's more of a prologue/intro but I still like to see some added depth. Your characters are pretty one dimensional at the moment, but that's to be expected from the first chapter. It'll be interesting to see where you go with them.
My biggest complaint is that some of what you wrote seemed kind of corny. Like Fate's explanation of the sign up process. He seemed really immature and young. And not in the good way. I feel like there just could have been a lot more poise in this chapter.
Peace and love,
B.R. McNair
P.S.- Returning the favor from Roadhouse. I hope you don't mind that I reviewed chapter one. I tend to return reviews for the same chapter that was reviewed for me.
8/14/2012 c1 4Scriber08
I liked how you broke up the chapter into different time segments. All I know from their world is what I read briefly from the summary. Hopefully you'll explain why things are the way they are in later chapters. I'm curious though about who was behind the voice in the last of this chapter. Other than I had a pretty clear idea of the characters and the direction of the plot.
*via Roadhouse*
4Scriber08I liked how you broke up the chapter into different time segments. All I know from their world is what I read briefly from the summary. Hopefully you'll explain why things are the way they are in later chapters. I'm curious though about who was behind the voice in the last of this chapter. Other than I had a pretty clear idea of the characters and the direction of the plot.
*via Roadhouse*
8/10/2012 c1 1Froggylover4281
This review brought to you by: Froggylover4281 (thanks for reviewing my story)
Cool story! I love how it sounds all mysterious: "All will be revealed in due time..."
I also love how Monika and Bryan seem all confident in themselves. I mean, me, for instance, if I signed up for a competition, I would have been like, "I'm gonna fail, I'm gonna fail" for ten minutes straight. But Monika and Bryan seem really cool and collected. Good job! )
1Froggylover4281This review brought to you by: Froggylover4281 (thanks for reviewing my story)
Cool story! I love how it sounds all mysterious: "All will be revealed in due time..."
I also love how Monika and Bryan seem all confident in themselves. I mean, me, for instance, if I signed up for a competition, I would have been like, "I'm gonna fail, I'm gonna fail" for ten minutes straight. But Monika and Bryan seem really cool and collected. Good job! )
7/31/2012 c2 1Loraine Wentworth
I like the character of Kifune- she's probably my favorite character in this story so far. She seems pretty kick-ass and interesting. You do a great job of describing the action.
In some cases some more details would be good, for example describing who shape shifting occurs.
Specifics:
I like the name Kifune.
as he morphed into a wolf. [I'd like to hear more about how this happened- it sounds interesting.]
Kifune's battle form starting appearing around her. [I really like the description in this paragraph, it flows well.]
1Loraine WentworthI like the character of Kifune- she's probably my favorite character in this story so far. She seems pretty kick-ass and interesting. You do a great job of describing the action.
In some cases some more details would be good, for example describing who shape shifting occurs.
Specifics:
I like the name Kifune.
as he morphed into a wolf. [I'd like to hear more about how this happened- it sounds interesting.]
Kifune's battle form starting appearing around her. [I really like the description in this paragraph, it flows well.]
7/30/2012 c1 Loraine Wentworth
This is an interesting setting. You also introduce some intriguing characters in a fast-paced, effective style. I like the idea of the pendants.
One suggestion- you do introduce a lot of characters here. This can be a bit confusing as it is the first chapter. It might help to not mention some of them until a later chapter.
Specifics:
" Let's go!" Monika said. [typo- extra space.]
This is an interesting setting. You also introduce some intriguing characters in a fast-paced, effective style. I like the idea of the pendants.
One suggestion- you do introduce a lot of characters here. This can be a bit confusing as it is the first chapter. It might help to not mention some of them until a later chapter.
Specifics:
" Let's go!" Monika said. [typo- extra space.]
7/13/2012 c2 123A Fire Rose
Your first paragraph is very much a brief telling of what happened, but does not show what was happening and does not allow the reader to feel present as it happens. Should have a comma between "arena" and "Jacob." You start telling instead of showing often, and an example of this is "effectively ending the match." You describe the emblems well. What shade of green was the second, please? There should be a comma in "the same time the same black material" between "time" and the." You probably don't need to explain that obsidian is cold and foreboding. Gramatically, "if you got sliced by it" should be "if one got sliced by it." Should have a question mark after "done," before the exclaimation point. Comma between "magic" and "you." The semi-colin between "out" and "although" should probably just be a comma. Nice neding. The weapons in this story are fascinating and original, especially the use of ailments such as war and famine. This does read a little like a Pokemon-type battle, though I don't know the full context of the story. You describe many of the weapons very well. This is an interesting start.
123A Fire RoseYour first paragraph is very much a brief telling of what happened, but does not show what was happening and does not allow the reader to feel present as it happens. Should have a comma between "arena" and "Jacob." You start telling instead of showing often, and an example of this is "effectively ending the match." You describe the emblems well. What shade of green was the second, please? There should be a comma in "the same time the same black material" between "time" and the." You probably don't need to explain that obsidian is cold and foreboding. Gramatically, "if you got sliced by it" should be "if one got sliced by it." Should have a question mark after "done," before the exclaimation point. Comma between "magic" and "you." The semi-colin between "out" and "although" should probably just be a comma. Nice neding. The weapons in this story are fascinating and original, especially the use of ailments such as war and famine. This does read a little like a Pokemon-type battle, though I don't know the full context of the story. You describe many of the weapons very well. This is an interesting start.
7/6/2012 c2 4TheMaskedGirl
Hi!
I like your plot. It's quite intriguing.
-
"Damn, that Jacob guy is really good." Amanda noted.
"I won't argue that. He could probably kick me into next week." Kifune said.
"I second that." Gabe said.
Edit: "Damn, that Jacob guy is really good(,)" Amanda noted.
"I won't argue that. He could probably kick me into next week(,)" Kifune said. [I didn't quite understand what Kifune said here. Kick into next week?]
"I second that(,)" Gabe said.
-
Most of your mistakes are related to the direct quotations. Remember that before the quotation mark, if you're going to add a 'he said' or something of the like, you use a comma and not a full stop. You don't use a comma if your punctuation mark is an exclamation point or a question mark. Other than that, your plot is good. And your fight scenes are good as well.
Good luck and more power!
TheMaskedGirl
(Review return)
4TheMaskedGirlHi!
I like your plot. It's quite intriguing.
-
"Damn, that Jacob guy is really good." Amanda noted.
"I won't argue that. He could probably kick me into next week." Kifune said.
"I second that." Gabe said.
Edit: "Damn, that Jacob guy is really good(,)" Amanda noted.
"I won't argue that. He could probably kick me into next week(,)" Kifune said. [I didn't quite understand what Kifune said here. Kick into next week?]
"I second that(,)" Gabe said.
-
Most of your mistakes are related to the direct quotations. Remember that before the quotation mark, if you're going to add a 'he said' or something of the like, you use a comma and not a full stop. You don't use a comma if your punctuation mark is an exclamation point or a question mark. Other than that, your plot is good. And your fight scenes are good as well.
Good luck and more power!
TheMaskedGirl
(Review return)
7/2/2012 c1 5Whirlymerle
Returning your review. ;)
[It would be a great opportunity to further ourselves against the order! The winner will get to be called the king of warriors by everyone else.] This is your personal preference, but I'd capitalize "Order" and "King of Warriors" since they are used as proper nouns.
[Tell me what seals you got later] Should be "seals you GET"
I think your have an interesting concept and I'm looking forward to seeing it develop. My favorite parts of this chapter are seeing how their pendants transformed—I liked the detail there, and also when Monika teases Bryan about being the Speak Softly but Carry a Big Stick guy. I like the allusion there, and I think it demonstrated her strong personality.
Your first chapter is very dialogue heavy, so I would like to see you balance it with more description and setting details. I didn't get a good sense of either.
Merle
5WhirlymerleReturning your review. ;)
[It would be a great opportunity to further ourselves against the order! The winner will get to be called the king of warriors by everyone else.] This is your personal preference, but I'd capitalize "Order" and "King of Warriors" since they are used as proper nouns.
[Tell me what seals you got later] Should be "seals you GET"
I think your have an interesting concept and I'm looking forward to seeing it develop. My favorite parts of this chapter are seeing how their pendants transformed—I liked the detail there, and also when Monika teases Bryan about being the Speak Softly but Carry a Big Stick guy. I like the allusion there, and I think it demonstrated her strong personality.
Your first chapter is very dialogue heavy, so I would like to see you balance it with more description and setting details. I didn't get a good sense of either.
Merle
6/29/2012 c4 4lookingwest
From RH
I dunno, in my opinion, when I saw that you said the first chapter of your novel wasn't important, I was very hesitant to look at your work. In my opinion, the first chapter is the first thing that readers see, it should be presented top-notch, with the best editing you can give it, and the best flow and best sample of your writing. It's all about first impressions. The idea that a first chapter isn't a big deal and can be skipped is a little bizarre to me, and honestly, I really don't understand.
But anyway, moving on to the review for Ch. 4 as requested...
Gabe had gone with Bryan... ["Gabe went with"]
...was one of the 30 rooms reserved... [spell out numericals under 101 usually, unless you have a stylistic choice for using their numerical form, like in poetry, etc.]
He had told them last night that he was going to... [An example of where unneeded words could be cut, like "had", and "that"]
Which, speaking of the above sentence, I'm finding a lot of places here that could have "had" omitted. I feel you're overusing it, and I think maybe a read-through where you look at your usage of them specifically and take them out when needed would improve the flow of your writing. I won't point out all of them because I think it would be easy enough to just go through when you edit and notice, but otherwise, you get the idea with the above example. Also, this is a more stylistic request. It's in the end, your decision because being wordy isn't something that's grammatically correct or incorrect, it's a writer's choice. So feel free to ignore me in all matters of style, haha.
He was dead still lying on the bed. [So Bryan is dead? Unsure why they would leave a dead person on the couch. Maybe, "He was lying on the bed, still, as if dead." might clarify]
"...or in a coma." The nurse answered. [comma instead of period after "coma", and un-capitalize "The"]
"...I'm sure he'll fight through it." The nurse said... [comma after "it", and un-capitalize "The"]
"...hospital?" She asked absentmindedly. [un-capitalize "She"]
A note on dialogue - if you're uncertain about how to format it with speaker tags, I suggest taking a moment to look it up on Google and figure out how to grammatically format them - you could also look in a favorite book you like reading, etc. It could really benefit the writing in leaps and bounds, and make it much easier for flow so people concentrate more on the content of the dialogue, instead of misplaced commas or periods. I strongly encourage it.
"...the blast for you." Gabe explained. [comma after "you"]
"...I'm OK now." Bryan said as he tried to comfort her. [comma after "now"]
"Good, you scared us there macho man." Kifune said. [comma after "man"]
I found the discharge from the hospital really unrealistic. I recently had a out-patient surgery, and they wouldn't let me leave for like 5 hours, even though I was feeling okay - they wanted me to eat something, monitor my blood pressure for several hours, and wait until they monitored going to the bathroom, etc. The idea that they would just let someone who was in a coma walk out of a hospital right away, is far from normal. Then again, I have no clue what kind of world this is set up in, or what kind of humans these characters are, so maybe they get special treatment. Yet even with that in mind, I found it unbelievable.
"...were unconscious." Nurse Isabel... [comma after "unconscious"]
"Sure." Six said. [comma after "sure"]
"...most hardware shops." Kate said... [comma after "shops"]
"Sir, the paperwork is ready." Nurse Isabel... [comma after "ready"]
"Great. Thank you very much." Bryan said with a smile. [comma after "much"]
I'm still seeing the same grammar mistakes as above for the second part to, and because I know FP cuts off reviews now without giving me the character count, I'm just going to stop marking them and hope that you can find them when editing :)
Hamilton's character came off very cliche to me for someone who's rich. There wasn't any dimension there besides judgements/stereotypes on Bryan's parts about people who are rich - that then somehow prove to be right. Not sure about that.
...slash Hamilton's armor 24 times. [twenty-four]
Cool ending, I liked the frozen arrow move, I think you described it well. Overall this is an interesting world I think you've created. The dialogue content is realistic for the most part, though of course I think you should take the time to grammatically correct it. Otherwise, your writing is clear and it's good, you have a good sense of how sentences should sound/be constructed and that made for good pacing and good flow. This was a strong chapter, but I still think your first (even though I didn't read it), should be the strongest ;D
4lookingwestFrom RH
I dunno, in my opinion, when I saw that you said the first chapter of your novel wasn't important, I was very hesitant to look at your work. In my opinion, the first chapter is the first thing that readers see, it should be presented top-notch, with the best editing you can give it, and the best flow and best sample of your writing. It's all about first impressions. The idea that a first chapter isn't a big deal and can be skipped is a little bizarre to me, and honestly, I really don't understand.
But anyway, moving on to the review for Ch. 4 as requested...
Gabe had gone with Bryan... ["Gabe went with"]
...was one of the 30 rooms reserved... [spell out numericals under 101 usually, unless you have a stylistic choice for using their numerical form, like in poetry, etc.]
He had told them last night that he was going to... [An example of where unneeded words could be cut, like "had", and "that"]
Which, speaking of the above sentence, I'm finding a lot of places here that could have "had" omitted. I feel you're overusing it, and I think maybe a read-through where you look at your usage of them specifically and take them out when needed would improve the flow of your writing. I won't point out all of them because I think it would be easy enough to just go through when you edit and notice, but otherwise, you get the idea with the above example. Also, this is a more stylistic request. It's in the end, your decision because being wordy isn't something that's grammatically correct or incorrect, it's a writer's choice. So feel free to ignore me in all matters of style, haha.
He was dead still lying on the bed. [So Bryan is dead? Unsure why they would leave a dead person on the couch. Maybe, "He was lying on the bed, still, as if dead." might clarify]
"...or in a coma." The nurse answered. [comma instead of period after "coma", and un-capitalize "The"]
"...I'm sure he'll fight through it." The nurse said... [comma after "it", and un-capitalize "The"]
"...hospital?" She asked absentmindedly. [un-capitalize "She"]
A note on dialogue - if you're uncertain about how to format it with speaker tags, I suggest taking a moment to look it up on Google and figure out how to grammatically format them - you could also look in a favorite book you like reading, etc. It could really benefit the writing in leaps and bounds, and make it much easier for flow so people concentrate more on the content of the dialogue, instead of misplaced commas or periods. I strongly encourage it.
"...the blast for you." Gabe explained. [comma after "you"]
"...I'm OK now." Bryan said as he tried to comfort her. [comma after "now"]
"Good, you scared us there macho man." Kifune said. [comma after "man"]
I found the discharge from the hospital really unrealistic. I recently had a out-patient surgery, and they wouldn't let me leave for like 5 hours, even though I was feeling okay - they wanted me to eat something, monitor my blood pressure for several hours, and wait until they monitored going to the bathroom, etc. The idea that they would just let someone who was in a coma walk out of a hospital right away, is far from normal. Then again, I have no clue what kind of world this is set up in, or what kind of humans these characters are, so maybe they get special treatment. Yet even with that in mind, I found it unbelievable.
"...were unconscious." Nurse Isabel... [comma after "unconscious"]
"Sure." Six said. [comma after "sure"]
"...most hardware shops." Kate said... [comma after "shops"]
"Sir, the paperwork is ready." Nurse Isabel... [comma after "ready"]
"Great. Thank you very much." Bryan said with a smile. [comma after "much"]
I'm still seeing the same grammar mistakes as above for the second part to, and because I know FP cuts off reviews now without giving me the character count, I'm just going to stop marking them and hope that you can find them when editing :)
Hamilton's character came off very cliche to me for someone who's rich. There wasn't any dimension there besides judgements/stereotypes on Bryan's parts about people who are rich - that then somehow prove to be right. Not sure about that.
...slash Hamilton's armor 24 times. [twenty-four]
Cool ending, I liked the frozen arrow move, I think you described it well. Overall this is an interesting world I think you've created. The dialogue content is realistic for the most part, though of course I think you should take the time to grammatically correct it. Otherwise, your writing is clear and it's good, you have a good sense of how sentences should sound/be constructed and that made for good pacing and good flow. This was a strong chapter, but I still think your first (even though I didn't read it), should be the strongest ;D
6/25/2012 c1 1mingsquared
Hello from the Roadhouse!
You seem to be missing a few commas here and there.
[Monika asked[,] holding the flyer.]
[Plus you have to consider what Kifune, Wrecker [,]and Jason are going to say.]
[As Monika and Bryan entered the mall where the sign up was[,] Bryan noticed the mass of people. ]
[He could recognize Asher, The Phantom of the Dark and Magnus M, the Blazing Spirit [,]among others]
[Before the two of them started arguing they were someone else.] This sentence makes no sense. Maybe someone else came instead of they were someone else?
I also noticed you tend to use some adjectives. I used to use them as well, until several people pointed out to me that they just make the story elementary and unsophisticated. So try to avoid using words like cheerfully, and sarcastically. I'm sure you can find more creative ways to express the emotions.
Also, for these [Warehouse 8, 1:32 P.M, West End], [11:00 P.M, Dockyard 8] try to use boldface so we know its a break and the story has shifted somewhere else. It doesn't really stand out the way it is right now.
1mingsquaredHello from the Roadhouse!
You seem to be missing a few commas here and there.
[Monika asked[,] holding the flyer.]
[Plus you have to consider what Kifune, Wrecker [,]and Jason are going to say.]
[As Monika and Bryan entered the mall where the sign up was[,] Bryan noticed the mass of people. ]
[He could recognize Asher, The Phantom of the Dark and Magnus M, the Blazing Spirit [,]among others]
[Before the two of them started arguing they were someone else.] This sentence makes no sense. Maybe someone else came instead of they were someone else?
I also noticed you tend to use some adjectives. I used to use them as well, until several people pointed out to me that they just make the story elementary and unsophisticated. So try to avoid using words like cheerfully, and sarcastically. I'm sure you can find more creative ways to express the emotions.
Also, for these [Warehouse 8, 1:32 P.M, West End], [11:00 P.M, Dockyard 8] try to use boldface so we know its a break and the story has shifted somewhere else. It doesn't really stand out the way it is right now.
6/25/2012 c1 12lianoid
Hey! Reviewing coming at you from Roadhouse!
[What do you think Bryan?"] -Edit: Comma after "think."
["Well that depends. What's it for, teams or solo fighters?" Bryan replied.] -Edit: Place a comma after "Well" and I would change "replied" to "said."
[She had made a vow to herself to beat them no matter what, no matter the cost.] -Edit: This sentence sounds a tad repetitive. I would rework it to read: "She had made a vow to beat them no matter the cost." A lot more aggressive and direct, in my opinion. :)
["Well that depends. What's it for, teams or solo fighters?" Bryan replied.] -Edit: Toss a comma after "well."
[The winner will get to be called the king of warriors by everyone else.] -Edit: I would reword this read: "The winner will be named the King of the Warriors."
Note: If "the order" is a rival team, it should be a proper noun and thus capitalized to read: "The Order."
["Hold on a sec Monika.] -Edit: Comma after "sec."
["Yay! Let's go!" Monika said cheerfully.] -Personal: I would remove "Yay!" and simply say "Monika said" and then describe *how* she's cheerful. Does she smile, jump about, move around excitedly, whatever... I always found narratives that *described* people's actions to be stronger than the writer *saying/telling* how the character is feeling. I'm not the greatest at this, of course, but it's one of the best pieces of advice I have received.
[As Monika and Bryan entered the mall where the sign up was Bryan noticed the mass of people.] -Edit?: "where the sign up" doesn't make sense to me. I believe you meant to describe it differently. :)
[For all we know this place could produce the worst fighters of all the centers." Bryan said.] -Edit: Change the period after "centers" to a comma.
["Way to stay positive Bryan." Monika replied sarcastically.] -Edit: Same thing here: The period after "Bryan" should be a comma. Also I would change the dialogue tag to "Monika said." You don't need to add "sarcastically" since I feel it's pretty obvious Monika is being sarcastic from her dialogue. I would suggest not *telling* the reader what you want them to know and instead allow them to see it.
["Not like you're doing any better." He retorted.] -Edit: Again, watch you dialogue punctuation and tags here. "any better" should have a comma after instead of a period, and "He retorted" should be "he retorted."
I'm interested in how you approach the idea of Fate in this story. It's always a new experience seeing how writers take it on.
[The seal your given is random] -Edit: "your" should be "you're"
Take a look at your comma use. There are several parts where your usage is incorrect and could use some cleaning up. It takes a while to learn... it definitely took me a length of time, but it certainly improves the flow.
I think more description is in order. Think about your settings, what people look like (especially Fate), the scents, sounds, and textures, especially. I think this piece has some potential, but if you add more description, I think it could be even better. :)
Happy writing!
C. from Roadhouse.
12lianoidHey! Reviewing coming at you from Roadhouse!
[What do you think Bryan?"] -Edit: Comma after "think."
["Well that depends. What's it for, teams or solo fighters?" Bryan replied.] -Edit: Place a comma after "Well" and I would change "replied" to "said."
[She had made a vow to herself to beat them no matter what, no matter the cost.] -Edit: This sentence sounds a tad repetitive. I would rework it to read: "She had made a vow to beat them no matter the cost." A lot more aggressive and direct, in my opinion. :)
["Well that depends. What's it for, teams or solo fighters?" Bryan replied.] -Edit: Toss a comma after "well."
[The winner will get to be called the king of warriors by everyone else.] -Edit: I would reword this read: "The winner will be named the King of the Warriors."
Note: If "the order" is a rival team, it should be a proper noun and thus capitalized to read: "The Order."
["Hold on a sec Monika.] -Edit: Comma after "sec."
["Yay! Let's go!" Monika said cheerfully.] -Personal: I would remove "Yay!" and simply say "Monika said" and then describe *how* she's cheerful. Does she smile, jump about, move around excitedly, whatever... I always found narratives that *described* people's actions to be stronger than the writer *saying/telling* how the character is feeling. I'm not the greatest at this, of course, but it's one of the best pieces of advice I have received.
[As Monika and Bryan entered the mall where the sign up was Bryan noticed the mass of people.] -Edit?: "where the sign up" doesn't make sense to me. I believe you meant to describe it differently. :)
[For all we know this place could produce the worst fighters of all the centers." Bryan said.] -Edit: Change the period after "centers" to a comma.
["Way to stay positive Bryan." Monika replied sarcastically.] -Edit: Same thing here: The period after "Bryan" should be a comma. Also I would change the dialogue tag to "Monika said." You don't need to add "sarcastically" since I feel it's pretty obvious Monika is being sarcastic from her dialogue. I would suggest not *telling* the reader what you want them to know and instead allow them to see it.
["Not like you're doing any better." He retorted.] -Edit: Again, watch you dialogue punctuation and tags here. "any better" should have a comma after instead of a period, and "He retorted" should be "he retorted."
I'm interested in how you approach the idea of Fate in this story. It's always a new experience seeing how writers take it on.
[The seal your given is random] -Edit: "your" should be "you're"
Take a look at your comma use. There are several parts where your usage is incorrect and could use some cleaning up. It takes a while to learn... it definitely took me a length of time, but it certainly improves the flow.
I think more description is in order. Think about your settings, what people look like (especially Fate), the scents, sounds, and textures, especially. I think this piece has some potential, but if you add more description, I think it could be even better. :)
Happy writing!
C. from Roadhouse.