for Working For Affection7/6/2012 c3 
6Victoria Best
Hey :D
This is a great chapter. I felt the way you conveyed emotions were particularly effective and did a great job of enhancing the characters and their unique way of thinking. So far, the character development is excellent. You detail their thoughts and emotions perfectly without over-explaining anything. I am starting to wonder whether you have a degree in psychology or something because the way you convey their motives, emotions and thought processes is outstanding! :D
The characters are incredible, although so many of them are dislikable, or at least for now they are, for I know that characters can change dramatically throughout a story. For the moment I am starting to think that Mimi is the only genuinely good person in this story, however even though this may be the case, I still find myself loving all your characters, which is proof of your writing talent. "It was always so common the reaction she received from males." That's the thing with Kayla. She is beautiful, sure, but in my opinion she becomes ugly simply because she KNOWS that she is beautiful. I think it is because of this knowledge that she has decided that she only deserves the best, that is, she has decided Shoji is perfect for her based on the grounds that she is beautiful and thus is entitled to only the best. She is seemingly inconsiderate to the impact of her actions not only on future events but also on people - she does not care that her actions are hurting Mimi at all. However, I also believe that she is slightly insecure, for example the way she was fuming with fury and jealousy when she found out that Shoji definitely had told Mimi he would marry her. Perhaps it is exactly the fact that she knows she is beautiful that is making her like this - she is worried she will just be messed around and abused and never taken seriously. Perhaps she is worried Shoji doesn't even love her; he just lusts for her. This insecurity may lead her to stay closed-off from everyone for fear that she will just be hurt.
Shoji, although an innovative, brilliant character, is a little dislikable. He just seems very insensitive and most importantly, selfish. He fundamentally only cares about himself. "Unlike her I've grown up. It was never my intention to be hers, but she is still considered a family friend." We get to see his point of view here, however it does not evoke any kind of sympathy towards him. Does he even realise how much Mimi loves him? How much she went through in the hopes of being with him? It was so hert-wrenching and moving when she says: "All the sacrifices I've made…they meant nothing to begin with!" To be honest, I think she is too good for him. He is just a selfish creature devoid of any kind of human empathy. I hope he truly does have a legitimate reason for being so cruel towards her. Still, his callousness is exactly the reason why I love him so much. A mean character, but a genius one.
And finally, Stephen. Ah, Stephen. Stephen, Stephen, Stephen. What would the world do without Stephen? Collapse, that's what. To be honest, the world may well collapse if he's in the world too. That's how brilliant he is. "Stephen played her and you." Too right he did. And I love him for it.
This is a brilliant story and you are an incredible writer. I love where the plot is going. I can't believe she just walked in and saw them! I feel so sorry for her. I know that is going to hurt her, perhaps even scar her, for so long. I can't wait to see what will happen next. I will try to read more as soon as I can. Keep writing and following your dreams! :D
-Vicky x
P.S: "Best you leave it to the professionals." ;)
6Victoria BestHey :D
This is a great chapter. I felt the way you conveyed emotions were particularly effective and did a great job of enhancing the characters and their unique way of thinking. So far, the character development is excellent. You detail their thoughts and emotions perfectly without over-explaining anything. I am starting to wonder whether you have a degree in psychology or something because the way you convey their motives, emotions and thought processes is outstanding! :D
The characters are incredible, although so many of them are dislikable, or at least for now they are, for I know that characters can change dramatically throughout a story. For the moment I am starting to think that Mimi is the only genuinely good person in this story, however even though this may be the case, I still find myself loving all your characters, which is proof of your writing talent. "It was always so common the reaction she received from males." That's the thing with Kayla. She is beautiful, sure, but in my opinion she becomes ugly simply because she KNOWS that she is beautiful. I think it is because of this knowledge that she has decided that she only deserves the best, that is, she has decided Shoji is perfect for her based on the grounds that she is beautiful and thus is entitled to only the best. She is seemingly inconsiderate to the impact of her actions not only on future events but also on people - she does not care that her actions are hurting Mimi at all. However, I also believe that she is slightly insecure, for example the way she was fuming with fury and jealousy when she found out that Shoji definitely had told Mimi he would marry her. Perhaps it is exactly the fact that she knows she is beautiful that is making her like this - she is worried she will just be messed around and abused and never taken seriously. Perhaps she is worried Shoji doesn't even love her; he just lusts for her. This insecurity may lead her to stay closed-off from everyone for fear that she will just be hurt.
Shoji, although an innovative, brilliant character, is a little dislikable. He just seems very insensitive and most importantly, selfish. He fundamentally only cares about himself. "Unlike her I've grown up. It was never my intention to be hers, but she is still considered a family friend." We get to see his point of view here, however it does not evoke any kind of sympathy towards him. Does he even realise how much Mimi loves him? How much she went through in the hopes of being with him? It was so hert-wrenching and moving when she says: "All the sacrifices I've made…they meant nothing to begin with!" To be honest, I think she is too good for him. He is just a selfish creature devoid of any kind of human empathy. I hope he truly does have a legitimate reason for being so cruel towards her. Still, his callousness is exactly the reason why I love him so much. A mean character, but a genius one.
And finally, Stephen. Ah, Stephen. Stephen, Stephen, Stephen. What would the world do without Stephen? Collapse, that's what. To be honest, the world may well collapse if he's in the world too. That's how brilliant he is. "Stephen played her and you." Too right he did. And I love him for it.
This is a brilliant story and you are an incredible writer. I love where the plot is going. I can't believe she just walked in and saw them! I feel so sorry for her. I know that is going to hurt her, perhaps even scar her, for so long. I can't wait to see what will happen next. I will try to read more as soon as I can. Keep writing and following your dreams! :D
-Vicky x
P.S: "Best you leave it to the professionals." ;)
5/10/2012 c2 Victoria Best
Hey :D
This was another great chapter! I really enjoyed it and cannot wait to read more. You clearly have a very interesting and intriguing plot developing, and I cannot wait to read and find out more. This chapter was written very well, and I liked the confrontation scene between Stephan and Mimi. I thought it was written well and really showed their emotions clearly.
The description in this chapter was great! I love this sentence: "It came complete with a glistening neon light scene and crawling critters." It clearly gave an idea of the setting and definitley enhanced the story and helped me visualise everything. It also gave me a clear idea of what Mimi is like. She is clearly a very hard-working, determined girl, and will do anything to succeed. The fact that she is willing to stay in that cheap motel just for her job shows she is extremley ambitious, and will not give up a good oppurtunity, no matter what the cost. She is clearly just a genuinely good person, and I really admire her and I think she is a great character. This sentence was also amazing: "That happy face made her adorable even in her pejorative appearance." It gave a clear insight not only into her appearance, but also into her thoughts and emotions. I could see how nervous she was and then later her surprise at seeing Stephan again, which shows you're a great writer. It was little senten es like these that really helped to describe the setting and the characters, develop the characters and allow your readers to empathise with them. This was great :')
I also liked the dialogue in this. It felt very natural and ran smoothly and realistically, and the part when they saw each other again was written very well. They definitley appeared a little surprised or even confuaed to see each other again, but perhaps also a little happy that they would not be working with complete strangers. I cannot wait to read about their relationship and how they will get along and interact in future chapters. If will certainly be interesting! :D "I doubt that. I've been fine without an assistant up until now." Stephen retorted enviously. I like this piece of dialogue because it gives a really good idea of Stephan's personality. He strikes me as quite a cynical person, and certainly someone who is independent, solitary and is perfectly fine with being alone. The thing is, I reckon he just THINKS he is perfectly fine with being alone, but in actual faquilon extremley lonely, but is so damaged he doesn't even realise he is lonely. He is definitely an interesting character and I can't wait to read more about him. The dialogue in that past was written well and was believable. I could almost imagine the conversation, which shows you're a great writer :D The light- hearted parts in this really made me smile and cheered up my day. "What the hell did you do? Swim here?" Aww! Stephan is such a sweetie. I actually think he and Mimi would get along so well. Their personalities are a perfect match. She's all sweet and innocent and is only just starting to explore the world, and he's already had a few adventures and apparentky didn't think it was anything special, hee hee :') Both characters are adorable. Will they get together? I will have to read on to find out!
Of course, the plot was just amazing, and a lot was revealed in this chapter. "Five years or not his heart still couldn't cope with losing his lover." I was literally just staring at my screen with my mouth hanging wide open like a goldfish! Seriously! That one sentences added so much depth into the plot and more insight into the character of Stephan, who has clearly been hurt extremely badly by her actions, and maybe that's the reason for his closed off, distanced personality. That part just added so much suspense and intrigue, and I can not wait to find more about this and what exactly happened. What was even better was the revelation that the woman was in fact Kayla! Wow! That was amazing! It is such a good twist and I did not suspect that at all. This story just gets better and better! I love love love love how all the characters are connected through each other. It makes it really interesting, and I can see that this may cause them some problems in the future due to troubles in the padt, for example Stephan and Kayla's relationahip. Also, I felt really sorry for Stephan though, especially when he said that he gave her no reason to believe he was cheating, and the only thing Shoji and Kayla saw in each other was "Dollar signs." That was so sad :'( She must have hurt him so badly and may well be the cause for his inhumane determination to be alone. I think he still loves her, and I cannot understand why she would just leave him. I think that says something about Kayla's personality too - she is obsessed with money and reputation, and she hurts people without even realising it. She is an intriguing character, and although I don't particularly like her after the revelation in this chapter, I really want to learn more about her. She is a real enigma. I love the way you have portrayed how all of these characters have a unique way of thinking, for example how Stephan wants to be independent. It gives an interesting perspective on the way different people think and feel due to their experiences, and offers some interesting psychological views about the way the human mind works. This is genius! :D
Overall I thought this was a great chapter and cannot wait to read more. I will read on as soon as I possibly can. You have a great story developing here and it just gets better and better! :D keep writing and following your dreams!
-Vicky x
Hey :D
This was another great chapter! I really enjoyed it and cannot wait to read more. You clearly have a very interesting and intriguing plot developing, and I cannot wait to read and find out more. This chapter was written very well, and I liked the confrontation scene between Stephan and Mimi. I thought it was written well and really showed their emotions clearly.
The description in this chapter was great! I love this sentence: "It came complete with a glistening neon light scene and crawling critters." It clearly gave an idea of the setting and definitley enhanced the story and helped me visualise everything. It also gave me a clear idea of what Mimi is like. She is clearly a very hard-working, determined girl, and will do anything to succeed. The fact that she is willing to stay in that cheap motel just for her job shows she is extremley ambitious, and will not give up a good oppurtunity, no matter what the cost. She is clearly just a genuinely good person, and I really admire her and I think she is a great character. This sentence was also amazing: "That happy face made her adorable even in her pejorative appearance." It gave a clear insight not only into her appearance, but also into her thoughts and emotions. I could see how nervous she was and then later her surprise at seeing Stephan again, which shows you're a great writer. It was little senten es like these that really helped to describe the setting and the characters, develop the characters and allow your readers to empathise with them. This was great :')
I also liked the dialogue in this. It felt very natural and ran smoothly and realistically, and the part when they saw each other again was written very well. They definitley appeared a little surprised or even confuaed to see each other again, but perhaps also a little happy that they would not be working with complete strangers. I cannot wait to read about their relationship and how they will get along and interact in future chapters. If will certainly be interesting! :D "I doubt that. I've been fine without an assistant up until now." Stephen retorted enviously. I like this piece of dialogue because it gives a really good idea of Stephan's personality. He strikes me as quite a cynical person, and certainly someone who is independent, solitary and is perfectly fine with being alone. The thing is, I reckon he just THINKS he is perfectly fine with being alone, but in actual faquilon extremley lonely, but is so damaged he doesn't even realise he is lonely. He is definitely an interesting character and I can't wait to read more about him. The dialogue in that past was written well and was believable. I could almost imagine the conversation, which shows you're a great writer :D The light- hearted parts in this really made me smile and cheered up my day. "What the hell did you do? Swim here?" Aww! Stephan is such a sweetie. I actually think he and Mimi would get along so well. Their personalities are a perfect match. She's all sweet and innocent and is only just starting to explore the world, and he's already had a few adventures and apparentky didn't think it was anything special, hee hee :') Both characters are adorable. Will they get together? I will have to read on to find out!
Of course, the plot was just amazing, and a lot was revealed in this chapter. "Five years or not his heart still couldn't cope with losing his lover." I was literally just staring at my screen with my mouth hanging wide open like a goldfish! Seriously! That one sentences added so much depth into the plot and more insight into the character of Stephan, who has clearly been hurt extremely badly by her actions, and maybe that's the reason for his closed off, distanced personality. That part just added so much suspense and intrigue, and I can not wait to find more about this and what exactly happened. What was even better was the revelation that the woman was in fact Kayla! Wow! That was amazing! It is such a good twist and I did not suspect that at all. This story just gets better and better! I love love love love how all the characters are connected through each other. It makes it really interesting, and I can see that this may cause them some problems in the future due to troubles in the padt, for example Stephan and Kayla's relationahip. Also, I felt really sorry for Stephan though, especially when he said that he gave her no reason to believe he was cheating, and the only thing Shoji and Kayla saw in each other was "Dollar signs." That was so sad :'( She must have hurt him so badly and may well be the cause for his inhumane determination to be alone. I think he still loves her, and I cannot understand why she would just leave him. I think that says something about Kayla's personality too - she is obsessed with money and reputation, and she hurts people without even realising it. She is an intriguing character, and although I don't particularly like her after the revelation in this chapter, I really want to learn more about her. She is a real enigma. I love the way you have portrayed how all of these characters have a unique way of thinking, for example how Stephan wants to be independent. It gives an interesting perspective on the way different people think and feel due to their experiences, and offers some interesting psychological views about the way the human mind works. This is genius! :D
Overall I thought this was a great chapter and cannot wait to read more. I will read on as soon as I possibly can. You have a great story developing here and it just gets better and better! :D keep writing and following your dreams!
-Vicky x
5/8/2012 c1 1esthaelum
Ooh, lovely first chapter so far! Mimi seems like a very fun character so far, and I can tell that I'm easily going to like her in the future chapters. She sounds so cute too! I really really like Mimi so far, and I LOVE the fact that this is based in Japan!
AND HA. HE CARRIES A ROLL OF DUCT TAPE? HOW STRANGE. LOL.
This story is so light hearted and cute. I love the humour in it. IT'S JUST ALL SO CUTE. It makes me happy just by reading it, and it's because of the lovely atmosphere that your characters bring in. Shoji and Mimi are so cute :3
I don't know how many times I've used the word cute, but this story is just really... sweet. I love it.
1esthaelumOoh, lovely first chapter so far! Mimi seems like a very fun character so far, and I can tell that I'm easily going to like her in the future chapters. She sounds so cute too! I really really like Mimi so far, and I LOVE the fact that this is based in Japan!
AND HA. HE CARRIES A ROLL OF DUCT TAPE? HOW STRANGE. LOL.
This story is so light hearted and cute. I love the humour in it. IT'S JUST ALL SO CUTE. It makes me happy just by reading it, and it's because of the lovely atmosphere that your characters bring in. Shoji and Mimi are so cute :3
I don't know how many times I've used the word cute, but this story is just really... sweet. I love it.
4/26/2012 c1 6Victoria Best
Wow! I have only read the first chapter so far, but I already love this story. It's got a very interesting plot, and I can already see you've got some fascinating characters. I already have so many questions! I felt so sorry for Mimi when he returned her the shoes. Throughout the whole chapter I understood that they were important and significant, almost acting as a sort of symbolism. There is clearly a story that goes with that, and I really want to find out more about this deal that they made and why Shoji just decided that he did not like her after all. I am curious to know more about their relationship with each other. They appear to have known each other for a long time, which makes the fact that he hurt her like that even worse. I am intrigued, and I cannot wait to read more.
What I particularly like about this are the characters. You have done a brilliant job of characterising the people in this, and you have made all the characters unique and memorable, without explicitely telling us what they look like and how they act - you show us. I love Kayla, although she is not really a main character. It's just the way she seems so manipulative and incredibly callous, for example when she says Mimi is "Prettier than how Shoji described her." She says that deliberately to hurt Mimi and suggest that Shoji was saying disgusting, inconsiderate things about her, and so he doesn't care about Mimi at all. What shocked me was that he did not even try to intervene or contradict her. I felt so sorry for Mimi and you did a brilliant job of describing her emotions at the end, offering us a glimpse into her complex mind, and allowing us to empathise with her. Although she seems a little naive right now, she seems like a strong character.
The writing in this was astonishing. Right from the first sentence I was reeled in. "Inclement winds carried drifting petals." What a line! It is such beautiful imagery, and immediately sets the scene and allows the reader to build up a clear, vivid picture of the works you are creating and visualise everything. I also liked the way you described the "Rainy blue eyes." In some ways, this actually set the whole tone of this chapter, as it was a little sombre and touched on serious themes. Therefore, the mention of the rain shows this chapter is destined to end sadly. I hope things get better for Mimi. No one should have to go through such terrible experiences and be treated that way. I really felt for her at the end of this chapter, and you portrayed her emotions incredibly. I loved the sentence "Rejection
was never a word she took kindly to." It's just a simple sentence, but it offers so much depth and insight into Mimi's personality, and by beginning to understand her thoughts, we can begin to understand her actioms and empathise with her. You have created a character that both loathes disappointment, and yet instinctively assumes the worst. Mimi strikes me as a character that is not so much scared of being hurt, just of being rejected. To imoly all of these things only in the first chapter shows you are a very talented writer! :D
The more light-hearted parts in this did make me smile though. It is so funny that he would carry around some duct-tape with him! That's what I like to see: a prepared man. We don't get many of them usually :') Also, Mimi's little comment "She thought it was useless to tell them she could understand English" also made me smile. It is a little unfair that they would all just assume she can't understand a word they're saying. This scene was very realistic, and showed that perhsps we in general think little of other people. It's a bit like stereotyping - we have no right to do it and it's so horrible, and yet we as humans form our own perceptions of people before we know them all the time. It was great to see some of these deeper meanings running through the story, as well as the light-hearted parts to numb the more serious tone a little.
I think that in some places pass state things rather than describe them, or pass up an opportunity to be a little more figurative to really help your readers build up a picture of everything in your story. For example, you say that Shoji "Responded cynically" but we can already tell he is being cynical from the context his sentence is placed in. By telling is that he is being cynical, you take away the fun of allowing us to build our own perceptions of what he must have been implying and come to our own conclusions. Here you are just telling us his behaviour, not showing us. In addition, another time you have done this is when you bluntly state "A day passed..." Did it? Did it really? Don't tell us that a day passed - show us through the language used. You are such a talented writer, so I am sure you could think of a unique metaphor or include some simple imagery. It would help to create a setting for your story and the description would definitely enhance it.
Otherwise, I love this story, especially how the beginning of this chapter was set in Tokyo. I love Japan! In fact, I am not even kidding, but one of my lifetime-ambition-aspiration-dream-things is to learn how to speak basic conversational Japanese. In fact, my birthday was the other day and my friend got me a Japanese phrase book! And yes, now I am rambling and just plain wasting your time, but that's because the ungodly hour of 2 AM has just passed here, and I am so tired I lack the ability to write a coherent sentence, let alone a review.
Well, I hope I didn't ramble too much, because even I am starting to get a headache from all of it :D This story is amazing, and I already know I am going to enjoy it.You have a great plot developing and you have given us a clear sense of the characters and their thoughts and emotions. I cannot wait to read more! Keep writing and following your dreams! :D
-Vicky x
6Victoria BestWow! I have only read the first chapter so far, but I already love this story. It's got a very interesting plot, and I can already see you've got some fascinating characters. I already have so many questions! I felt so sorry for Mimi when he returned her the shoes. Throughout the whole chapter I understood that they were important and significant, almost acting as a sort of symbolism. There is clearly a story that goes with that, and I really want to find out more about this deal that they made and why Shoji just decided that he did not like her after all. I am curious to know more about their relationship with each other. They appear to have known each other for a long time, which makes the fact that he hurt her like that even worse. I am intrigued, and I cannot wait to read more.
What I particularly like about this are the characters. You have done a brilliant job of characterising the people in this, and you have made all the characters unique and memorable, without explicitely telling us what they look like and how they act - you show us. I love Kayla, although she is not really a main character. It's just the way she seems so manipulative and incredibly callous, for example when she says Mimi is "Prettier than how Shoji described her." She says that deliberately to hurt Mimi and suggest that Shoji was saying disgusting, inconsiderate things about her, and so he doesn't care about Mimi at all. What shocked me was that he did not even try to intervene or contradict her. I felt so sorry for Mimi and you did a brilliant job of describing her emotions at the end, offering us a glimpse into her complex mind, and allowing us to empathise with her. Although she seems a little naive right now, she seems like a strong character.
The writing in this was astonishing. Right from the first sentence I was reeled in. "Inclement winds carried drifting petals." What a line! It is such beautiful imagery, and immediately sets the scene and allows the reader to build up a clear, vivid picture of the works you are creating and visualise everything. I also liked the way you described the "Rainy blue eyes." In some ways, this actually set the whole tone of this chapter, as it was a little sombre and touched on serious themes. Therefore, the mention of the rain shows this chapter is destined to end sadly. I hope things get better for Mimi. No one should have to go through such terrible experiences and be treated that way. I really felt for her at the end of this chapter, and you portrayed her emotions incredibly. I loved the sentence "Rejection
was never a word she took kindly to." It's just a simple sentence, but it offers so much depth and insight into Mimi's personality, and by beginning to understand her thoughts, we can begin to understand her actioms and empathise with her. You have created a character that both loathes disappointment, and yet instinctively assumes the worst. Mimi strikes me as a character that is not so much scared of being hurt, just of being rejected. To imoly all of these things only in the first chapter shows you are a very talented writer! :D
The more light-hearted parts in this did make me smile though. It is so funny that he would carry around some duct-tape with him! That's what I like to see: a prepared man. We don't get many of them usually :') Also, Mimi's little comment "She thought it was useless to tell them she could understand English" also made me smile. It is a little unfair that they would all just assume she can't understand a word they're saying. This scene was very realistic, and showed that perhsps we in general think little of other people. It's a bit like stereotyping - we have no right to do it and it's so horrible, and yet we as humans form our own perceptions of people before we know them all the time. It was great to see some of these deeper meanings running through the story, as well as the light-hearted parts to numb the more serious tone a little.
I think that in some places pass state things rather than describe them, or pass up an opportunity to be a little more figurative to really help your readers build up a picture of everything in your story. For example, you say that Shoji "Responded cynically" but we can already tell he is being cynical from the context his sentence is placed in. By telling is that he is being cynical, you take away the fun of allowing us to build our own perceptions of what he must have been implying and come to our own conclusions. Here you are just telling us his behaviour, not showing us. In addition, another time you have done this is when you bluntly state "A day passed..." Did it? Did it really? Don't tell us that a day passed - show us through the language used. You are such a talented writer, so I am sure you could think of a unique metaphor or include some simple imagery. It would help to create a setting for your story and the description would definitely enhance it.
Otherwise, I love this story, especially how the beginning of this chapter was set in Tokyo. I love Japan! In fact, I am not even kidding, but one of my lifetime-ambition-aspiration-dream-things is to learn how to speak basic conversational Japanese. In fact, my birthday was the other day and my friend got me a Japanese phrase book! And yes, now I am rambling and just plain wasting your time, but that's because the ungodly hour of 2 AM has just passed here, and I am so tired I lack the ability to write a coherent sentence, let alone a review.
Well, I hope I didn't ramble too much, because even I am starting to get a headache from all of it :D This story is amazing, and I already know I am going to enjoy it.You have a great plot developing and you have given us a clear sense of the characters and their thoughts and emotions. I cannot wait to read more! Keep writing and following your dreams! :D
-Vicky x
4/26/2012 c11 4Rexi
Heya Niki! It's been awhile! Your latest two chapters were good reads. Thanks! I knew Stephen was more suited for Kotara! Haha! But I'm sure you know how to steer this ship in the direction you intend. Or now, the latest chapter had a good build up. Now I'm left wondering what'll happen and how Kotara will react to whatever the two men are gonna say. Though I think she'd make a stupid decision. But then again, that's just my bias speaking~
Good luck for the next chapter and whatever other stories you intend to whip up soon! :D
4RexiHeya Niki! It's been awhile! Your latest two chapters were good reads. Thanks! I knew Stephen was more suited for Kotara! Haha! But I'm sure you know how to steer this ship in the direction you intend. Or now, the latest chapter had a good build up. Now I'm left wondering what'll happen and how Kotara will react to whatever the two men are gonna say. Though I think she'd make a stupid decision. But then again, that's just my bias speaking~
Good luck for the next chapter and whatever other stories you intend to whip up soon! :D
4/23/2012 c10 6Chola13
You updated! i am so so happy and this made me much happier x i love it, the last line made me laugh so much x and if i havent said it already; but im sure i have lol, i like stephen morethan Shoji xx Update soon please x
6Chola13You updated! i am so so happy and this made me much happier x i love it, the last line made me laugh so much x and if i havent said it already; but im sure i have lol, i like stephen morethan Shoji xx Update soon please x
4/22/2012 c10 8The Elephant Queen
Oh man oh man niki! This was a great installment, I adore Stephan to no end and I'm so stoked he's finally told kotara. Oh god, really this is a great love story. Thank you for writing it! My one bit of criticism is your sparactic character development, I've said this before but you don't really give any hmmm transition time to your characters. Although it was evident that both men would become interested in her, you suddenly sprung that interest upon the reader. I'm sure you as the author know your characters very well, but try to make sure we, the readers, get to know them just as well as you do! Thanks for the update niki, I can't wait to read what happens next. C:
EQ
8The Elephant QueenOh man oh man niki! This was a great installment, I adore Stephan to no end and I'm so stoked he's finally told kotara. Oh god, really this is a great love story. Thank you for writing it! My one bit of criticism is your sparactic character development, I've said this before but you don't really give any hmmm transition time to your characters. Although it was evident that both men would become interested in her, you suddenly sprung that interest upon the reader. I'm sure you as the author know your characters very well, but try to make sure we, the readers, get to know them just as well as you do! Thanks for the update niki, I can't wait to read what happens next. C:
EQ
3/29/2012 c9 6Chola13
Wow this showed such a different side to Stephen and i completely loved it! Please update soon x p.s i still dont like Shoji x
6Chola13Wow this showed such a different side to Stephen and i completely loved it! Please update soon x p.s i still dont like Shoji x
3/28/2012 c9 4Rexi
Oh! You've updated haha!
This chapter was nice with Steph and his dog. Trying to draw out on his humane side I guess?
But in any case, what I personally feel is that the chemistry between Mimi and Steph is quite strange. Especially on Mimi's part. Coz firstly, didn't she sort of just got together with Shoji? If so, then why'd she start acting all intimate with Steph for a moment there? On steph's part I guess I can understand but hmmm, having trouble reconciling mimi's actions :O unless there's something I missed..?
Oh and didn't Mimi not wanna help Steph? Hahah!
But ooh, Steph and Mimi - I like. Heh
4RexiOh! You've updated haha!
This chapter was nice with Steph and his dog. Trying to draw out on his humane side I guess?
But in any case, what I personally feel is that the chemistry between Mimi and Steph is quite strange. Especially on Mimi's part. Coz firstly, didn't she sort of just got together with Shoji? If so, then why'd she start acting all intimate with Steph for a moment there? On steph's part I guess I can understand but hmmm, having trouble reconciling mimi's actions :O unless there's something I missed..?
Oh and didn't Mimi not wanna help Steph? Hahah!
But ooh, Steph and Mimi - I like. Heh
3/18/2012 c8 8The Elephant Queen
I was grimacing throughout this entire chapter, SO MANY things I didn't want to happen, happened in this chapter at the same time as so many things that NEEDED to happen happened. We got more Kayla information, and I hate her, but I like her, because every romance story needs a bitch, and she's a unique awesome smart bitch. But she's also a bitch, so I don't like her... but I do, oh man this a confusing review. xD
I feel bad for Stephen, and I'm hoping he hooks up with Kotara because I want them to be together. And I want her to realize that Shoji is a meanie. His last line in this really struck me, I mean sure he's confused and stressed, but holy shit!
Now that my plot vent is out of the way, just a few things I want to say about the writing. First of all, I love how you use both the first and last names to refer to the characters it's really unique. To me at least. Second, I like your diction a lot, that being said there are some lines that seem a bit awkward. Not that the writing itself is awkward but the tone is, for example:
"Steam floated from the coffee mug Mimi placed down. Shoji finished eating a decadent slice of layered chocolate pie. Rainfall beat against the diner window attracting her concentration. Lowered eyes found no solace after waiting so long to be spoken to."
The first three sentences here have the same voice; classic prose kind of thing. However the last line is ever poetic, you use no pronouns while it can easily be inferred that you are talking about Kotara. It just seems strange to use a line like that so suddenly when all the surrounding phrases are written so differently.
Also, it seems like Kotara's character as changed from how she was in the first chapter, she's still cute and sweet, however it seems like she's gotten herself more attitude towards Shoji suddenly, I think Stephen might have rubbed off on her a little bit. I think I like it!
EQ
p.s. I hate Shoji.
8The Elephant QueenI was grimacing throughout this entire chapter, SO MANY things I didn't want to happen, happened in this chapter at the same time as so many things that NEEDED to happen happened. We got more Kayla information, and I hate her, but I like her, because every romance story needs a bitch, and she's a unique awesome smart bitch. But she's also a bitch, so I don't like her... but I do, oh man this a confusing review. xD
I feel bad for Stephen, and I'm hoping he hooks up with Kotara because I want them to be together. And I want her to realize that Shoji is a meanie. His last line in this really struck me, I mean sure he's confused and stressed, but holy shit!
Now that my plot vent is out of the way, just a few things I want to say about the writing. First of all, I love how you use both the first and last names to refer to the characters it's really unique. To me at least. Second, I like your diction a lot, that being said there are some lines that seem a bit awkward. Not that the writing itself is awkward but the tone is, for example:
"Steam floated from the coffee mug Mimi placed down. Shoji finished eating a decadent slice of layered chocolate pie. Rainfall beat against the diner window attracting her concentration. Lowered eyes found no solace after waiting so long to be spoken to."
The first three sentences here have the same voice; classic prose kind of thing. However the last line is ever poetic, you use no pronouns while it can easily be inferred that you are talking about Kotara. It just seems strange to use a line like that so suddenly when all the surrounding phrases are written so differently.
Also, it seems like Kotara's character as changed from how she was in the first chapter, she's still cute and sweet, however it seems like she's gotten herself more attitude towards Shoji suddenly, I think Stephen might have rubbed off on her a little bit. I think I like it!
EQ
p.s. I hate Shoji.
3/17/2012 c8 6Chola13
This chapter really gave me a new insight into what was actually going on x Please update soon i cant wait x
6Chola13This chapter really gave me a new insight into what was actually going on x Please update soon i cant wait x
3/17/2012 c8 4Rexi
Hmmm, I feel like the developments are a little sudden. Especially with mimi accepting hitomi so quickly. But ten again, it's prolly coz she's madly in love idk.
So now there's this love square going on. And all the men are so fickle about their women hah.
I'm still for Mimi x stephen though :D she ought to spite hitomi more! Hahah!
4RexiHmmm, I feel like the developments are a little sudden. Especially with mimi accepting hitomi so quickly. But ten again, it's prolly coz she's madly in love idk.
So now there's this love square going on. And all the men are so fickle about their women hah.
I'm still for Mimi x stephen though :D she ought to spite hitomi more! Hahah!
3/10/2012 c7 Rexi
HI AGAIN. I've read up to this chapter :D and I think I find myself liking stephen's character a lot. (hitomi can roll over and die lol). But Mimi seems too innocent and naive and stuff. I'm looking forward to seeing how this nicely turns out into a love triangle sorta thing (if that's your plan)
Shall keep reading :D
God now I know how much of a sucker I am to romance at times too haha
HI AGAIN. I've read up to this chapter :D and I think I find myself liking stephen's character a lot. (hitomi can roll over and die lol). But Mimi seems too innocent and naive and stuff. I'm looking forward to seeing how this nicely turns out into a love triangle sorta thing (if that's your plan)
Shall keep reading :D
God now I know how much of a sucker I am to romance at times too haha