for The Great Breaking3/3/2012 c3 
2SkyAdept
On all 3 chapters.
The first is good, short, fast paced and jumps in to the story so we know where we're at and where we're going (although not technically). I enjoyed it.
Oh, at the end, everything was all 'He was', 'He was', 'My bus is'. Keep a consistent tense!
I like how the second chapter was from a different perspective and kept the tone of the first. You well adapted the mood and effect of your writing which was nice.
However, as it went on you began to explain the story briefly but the fast paced nature was still ever present here and there. You should decide when the story slows down and speeds up. If you're giving context, keep it slow and let the reader embrace the story's background and how it came about. There also seems to be a lot of questions arising too, 'Who is this?', 'Why's that happening?' etc. Although questions are good and keep the audience reading, too many can just be a pain and put your reader off. You need to carefully manage what your reader knows and when they learn of it.
If you're going to keep your entire story fast paced then deal with context differently, just inform your reader appropriately throughout the story so they're always informed and always wrapped up in the action.
The third chapter.
Firstly, I understand you wrote this very quickly but just because you've written it doesn't mean you -have- to upload it. Take your time with it and make it the best you can make it!
Anyway, with that out of the way, I like what you're doing, the beginning is still very fast paced and I highly advise you just slow it down now. Rael is safe and isn't panicking so we need to feel that too!
The dialogue is a bit choppy too, it's - speech - context - speech - context - etc. You don't always need to explain how something was said, it adds to the story, the reader can make that up for themselves and build the character themselves rather than you doing it all for them.
Something like, 'In the modern world, no one was named Guy. It was a medieval name.' I admit is important because it gives the reader a feel about the world they live in. Rejecting the past? If not, consider it's real purpose in the story, does it need to be there?
I hope this is enough to help you build your story more and you do write more. I hope I don't offend you when I say it seems your story needs a bit more planning on what's happening when and why.
Good luck with it all!
2SkyAdeptOn all 3 chapters.
The first is good, short, fast paced and jumps in to the story so we know where we're at and where we're going (although not technically). I enjoyed it.
Oh, at the end, everything was all 'He was', 'He was', 'My bus is'. Keep a consistent tense!
I like how the second chapter was from a different perspective and kept the tone of the first. You well adapted the mood and effect of your writing which was nice.
However, as it went on you began to explain the story briefly but the fast paced nature was still ever present here and there. You should decide when the story slows down and speeds up. If you're giving context, keep it slow and let the reader embrace the story's background and how it came about. There also seems to be a lot of questions arising too, 'Who is this?', 'Why's that happening?' etc. Although questions are good and keep the audience reading, too many can just be a pain and put your reader off. You need to carefully manage what your reader knows and when they learn of it.
If you're going to keep your entire story fast paced then deal with context differently, just inform your reader appropriately throughout the story so they're always informed and always wrapped up in the action.
The third chapter.
Firstly, I understand you wrote this very quickly but just because you've written it doesn't mean you -have- to upload it. Take your time with it and make it the best you can make it!
Anyway, with that out of the way, I like what you're doing, the beginning is still very fast paced and I highly advise you just slow it down now. Rael is safe and isn't panicking so we need to feel that too!
The dialogue is a bit choppy too, it's - speech - context - speech - context - etc. You don't always need to explain how something was said, it adds to the story, the reader can make that up for themselves and build the character themselves rather than you doing it all for them.
Something like, 'In the modern world, no one was named Guy. It was a medieval name.' I admit is important because it gives the reader a feel about the world they live in. Rejecting the past? If not, consider it's real purpose in the story, does it need to be there?
I hope this is enough to help you build your story more and you do write more. I hope I don't offend you when I say it seems your story needs a bit more planning on what's happening when and why.
Good luck with it all!
3/2/2012 c2 True Talker
This is really a great read and I am quite interested in this. Thank you so very truly much for sharing this.
This is really a great read and I am quite interested in this. Thank you so very truly much for sharing this.
3/1/2012 c1 True Talker
This is actually interesting and yes it is in a good way - will the story continue because I am interested in this. Then I look up and as I am writing this I see - Chapter 1 written and then I am happy because the story will continue. Thanks.
This is actually interesting and yes it is in a good way - will the story continue because I am interested in this. Then I look up and as I am writing this I see - Chapter 1 written and then I am happy because the story will continue. Thanks.