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5/1/2013 c20 ruby
Sometimes I get a little confused because there hasn't been any... like descriptions of the world they are in BUT I like the characters the seem real and not fluffy and weak as paper like some are. So good work :)
9/9/2012 c36 34Jupsi
I haven't had time to read this story for a whole month, and when I do, it's so amazing that I cannot believe I've had to wait out on this! :O
Totally love the thing that's going in with Geraint and Kiara, too... Sooo exciting x3

Ohh the cliffy, curse you! D:

Will be looking forward for more chapters! :D Keep it up
8/12/2012 c16 1Loraine Wentworth
I thought there was perhaps a bit too much description of Kiara's state of mine here- this pretty much filled the chapter. While it is important to show how she feels, at times it is overwhelming and distracting from the overall plot. It also makes it more difficult for the reader to relate to her.

I liked the ending of this chapter- I thought there was a lot of pathos in the ending: I thought it was very poignant that Martha already seems to have forgotten about Kiara.

Review via the Review Games' Review Marathon, link in my profile.
8/12/2012 c15 Loraine Wentworth
I liked the dramatic nature of his chapter. Kiara's inability to do magic is not only revealed in front of Keenan, but in front of everyone. I felt very sorry for her.

I also like to character development apparent for Keenan in this chapter; you show him acting really kindly towards Kiara, although he doesn't know he is 'putting his foot in it', so to speak. As a reader, this made me feel sympathy for him.

Review via the Review Games' Review Marathon, link in my profile.
8/12/2012 c14 Loraine Wentworth
I felt this story has lingered a bit too long over the wedding event- I wasn't too keen on that. I found myself really wanting to see more of a dramatic change in scene, perhaps something that would improve things for kiara.

However, I did like the scene where you describe Kiara's memories of the dance. I thought this showed a lighter side of her character and evoked even more sympathy for her plight.

Review via the Review Games' Review Marathon, link in my profile.
8/12/2012 c13 Loraine Wentworth
I liked that the story returns to Ben. I really felt sorry for him here- I liked the way you conjured up this sympathy. This really makes me want to find out what happens to him next.

I wasn't really sure I liked Sinead's part in this chapter, though. You didn't really give much indication of her feelings here, even though a lot has happened. I'd like to find out more about how she reacts to the destruction.

Review via the Review Games' Review Marathon, see link in my profile.
8/12/2012 c36 9Ms.Julia
Love love love this! Please update again soon :)
8/12/2012 c12 1Loraine Wentworth
I enjoyed the suspense you created over whether Keenan will find out about Kiara's lack of magic. The whole time, I thought it was going to be discussed imminently, but it wasn't. I'm still wondering what Keenan's reaction will be, so this as a good cliff-hanger.

I did find Kiara acting 'coy' as a bit out of character, though. So far she's come across as quite prickly and shy, so I found this a bit odd and jarring.

Anyway, I'm really enjoying this story- it's probably one of the best I've ever read on this site, and certainly good enough to be published.

Reviews brought to you as part of the Review Game's review marathon, link in my profile.
8/12/2012 c11 Loraine Wentworth
I liked the way you showed Martha and Kiara's friendship from an outsider's perspective here. It really highlighted how important the friendship is, and how deep.

I also like that Keenan's personality is fleshed out here.

e.g. I have always been clumsy; clumsy with words, clumsy with women, and clumsy when it really matters. I am suffering from all three now.

This gives a lot of insights into him, that he is not as confidant as his friends. It'll be interesting to see how he develops.
8/12/2012 c10 Loraine Wentworth
I'm not sure I really understood their motivation for being at the wedding here- they don't seem to really know the couple? Possibly I just misread something earlier, but this might need some clarification.

I did enjoy the exchange between Kiara (I am assuming it was Kiara?) and Keenan here. She seemed very mysterious; it added mystery and something mystical to her that she hadn't previously had. I thought the last line in particular highlighted her sadness- listing things that she feels she can't have.

Reviewing as part of the Review Game's Review Marathon, link in my profile.
8/12/2012 c9 Loraine Wentworth
There is some really beautiful description in this chapter, that reflects the mood of the piece. e.g.

It is a shadow with its corners still lit by a bright, noonday sun. It reminds me of summer and a promise I made on a day far darker than this one.

This works very well because the contrast between shadow and bright sun reflects Kiara's worries and Melissa's happiness.

You expressed Kiara's emotion very effectively here: I like that you achieved this very neatly and without too much wordiness. Just by showing Callum's expression and reaction to her presence, you highlighted her isolation.

Reviews brought to you by the Review Game's Review Marathon, link in my profile.
8/12/2012 c8 Loraine Wentworth
I'm still really enjoying the dynamic/exchange between Kirara and Melissa that you are creating through swapping between their POVs. It makes Kiara's pain a lot more clear and gives a lot of justification to her misery.

The friendship between Martha and Kirara is really sweetly presented ehre, which I enjoyed. It's possible to see they they grew up together and that really makes me worry for Kiara's future, especially when you keep making small mysterious references to Callum- I get a sense of foreboding about that.
8/12/2012 c7 Loraine Wentworth
After Melissa's introduction from another character's' point of view it's interesting to read a chapter from hers. I thought that structuring her entrance that way worked really well because I already had a bit of an idea of her personality before really hearing about her own thoughts.

It is also really interesting to see Kiara from Melissa's point of view. I like the way you do this- showing characters from each other's perspectives, because it gives much deeper insights in them.

I also lie the catchphrase you created "No magic leads to dark magic." It reflects an important idea in the society you've built and gives Kiara a lot of motivation for her feelings: if society believes that so strongly that they have a proverb about it, then no wonder they give Kiara a hard time.
8/11/2012 c6 Loraine Wentworth
I like the little titbits of information you give about Kiara and Martha's past here. I really makes me feel sorry for Kiara that she won't see so much of her friend anymore.

However, It would be interesting to see Kiara show more resilience. By this stage, it feels like she has expressed her sadness too much and I'm not so keen on it, it makes her a bit of a depressing character to read, but I'm hopeful things will improve for her in later chapters.

Brought to you by the Review games' Review Marathon, link in my profile.
8/11/2012 c5 Loraine Wentworth
There was a lot of pathos here, I liked it. It was dramatic and emotional and that worked well; the way you used Ben's emotions to influence the elements achieved this affect. This really highlights the hopeless situation he is in.

I did wonder about Sinead- i was confused for a minute and thought she was dead? I'm not sure whether you want to give that impression or not. I get the impression I am not supposed to like her, however, I did see her point- I liked that you got me thinking about this!

I am still really enjoying this story :)

Review brought to you from the Review Games' Review Marathon, link in my profile.
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