12/21/2014 c4 em
Please continue to write this story! It's really good and I am looking forward to the next chapter.

6/13/2012 c1 6Victoria Best
OH MY GOSH I LOVE THIS! :D :D :D HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU ARE A BAD WRITER? THIS IS AMAZING! Okay, I finally found time to read this and I love it! You are a brilliant writer and you have a fantastic plot developing here. So she is going to work for that rich family? Wow, I can already see it's going to be a great culture clash and just a personality clash, seeing as the rich are supposedly all snobby and never satisfied, but Violet seems like the type of independent person who is just grateful for what they get. This is a genius idea and I cannot wait to read more!

I like how you start the story straight away, for example in the very first paragraph we realise something is wrong and after the conversation we know that her life is going to change dramatically. It's only the first chapter but I already get a clear sense of the plot and the main character. I also love the cliffhanger at the end of this chapter. It acts as a great hook to really grab your readers and encourage them to keep reading. The writing of this in general was very strong, particularly the description. You did not just sit there describing everything like so many writers do, which just bores readers, but you still immersed it within the narrative so your readers could build up a clear picture of everything in your story. For example, I enjoyed the way you described the "Golden suburbia" of that family's home and all the "Golden retrievers yapping around the white picket fences as they chased 2.4 children." Aww! It creates a great image and although I know she must be exaggerating, it shows the low opinion she has of all these rich people that she just believes they fit right into that stereotypical, plastic world of golden retrievers and white picket fences. This was great because not only did it help enhance your story and enable your readers to visualise everything, it also offered insight into Violet's cynical personality and her contempt for that fallible society.

The characters are brilliant and right when she stubbornly states that there was "No way she was living with two headstrong women" I could clearly imagine the characters and their personalities, as well as their relationship. I think that in some ways Violet is just as headstrong as her mother. I love her. She is obviously very independent and strong-minded, and does not plan on going down in that demoralising job without a fight. She is willing to do whatever it takes to still be her own person - not someone else's pet - and she is determined not to change for anyone. She's a great character and I cannot wait to read more about her and see what she will do next. She has a very interesting way of thinking and you've done a great job of describing her thoughts and emotions so we can really see into her complex mind. Although it's still very early in the story, I know she will be my favourite character, and in all honesty I usually hate female lead characters, so that is saying something :D

I particularly enjoyed the elements of humour in this. Reading this has really cheered me up! For example, I love the sentence "I cant drop that like hotcakes, and jet over just because there's a lot of sunshine." Oh, and also when she wonders where Vanessa got her hair colour from and questions whether her "Mum hit the bottle to hide shades of grey." Ha! That was hilarious! These subtle pieces of humour helped to lighten the mood of your story and numb the otherwise much more serious tone and themes of this story (A young girl being uprooted from her home and sent to work, for instance.) It made this story a pleasure to read and has really brightened up my day. :')

There were some parts that were not as strong. I think you need to watch out for grammar. For example, instead of "Loosing" it should be "Losing" and "Irresponsable" should be "Irresponsible." Although it may not seem like a major thing, readers almost always pick up on grammatical errors and they can get very distracting to read and draw attention away from the actual narrative, as well as give the impression that you do not really care about your work, which I know is certainly not the case. Also, when you mention the Pullitzer prize for "Her contributions to English literature" I think it would be better to say a mathematics prize instead because Vanessa has been doing arithmetic, not something to do with English literature. Also, I felt that in the beginning of this chapter there were far too many words in italics. Although italics can be used to show emphatic stress or thoughts which can show a lot about characters and their emotions, overusing them gradually makes them lose their effect. They need to only be used occasionally for impact or else they lose their impact and just become irritating to read.

The main thing I think you need to watch out for, however, is characterising Vanessa. At first I thought she was extremely young, say five or six, what with the butterfly picture and pigtails and saying "Brrrm brrrm." I was very surprised to see she was nine. My brother is seven and he is already well beyond that stage where everything is cute and just a game. He is actually pretty mature and acts a lot older than he is, you know? You can have a real discussion with him about philosophy or God or whatever and he understands it all. Also, in England children start secondary school (middle school high school equivalent) when they are eleven, so she wouldn't even be classed as a young child for very much longer here. What I am trying to say is that you have made her act much younger than her actual age, but from teaching children part-time, I can tell you that children are already well past this stage when they are nine and are already very grown up. You should either make her younger or act older.

Otherwise I love this story and I cannot wait to read more! You have me hooked and I will definitely read more as soon as I can. You are a very talented writer and you have a unique, intriguing plot developing here. I LOVE IT! This is going on my favourites list. Keep writing and following your dreams! :D

-Vicky x

5/28/2012 c4 1runwayx23
I'm a sucker for cliches, so I think your story sounds really interesting so far. One note I wanted to make was that the AP Physics thing being a boy-dominated class for two decades just sounded unrealistic to me. My AP Physics class actually had more girls in it than boys. I think it'd sound more believable if the timespan was shorter or if it was a different class. Just my opinion though; maybe it has something to do with the school she's attending. Hope you update soon.

5/25/2012 c3 Foxi Blair
YAY you updated! :) I'm eager for more! And did violet ever get her phone back?

3/26/2012 c2 2Wilt
I really love this story so far! Violet's personality and sense of humor is very entertaining! It will be fun to watch it her get into trouble with her blunt ways as well as possibly clashing with Christian. Update soon :)

3/25/2012 c2 Foxi Blair
Why was Arev chasing Derek? That part confused me a bit. But anyway, now I'm excited to see how she gets out of her predicament. lol. Great chapter!

3/23/2012 c1 1Livia Gretchen
Nice.