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2/22/2013 c1 13VelvetyCheerio
Review courtesy of the Review Game's Writing Challenge Contest. ;D

Opening: Wow, I really liked the intense description in the beginning, of Jaime racing up to the roof to see if his brother was aware of the encroaching threat. I think it really set the scene for a dark world, where these characters live like rats in the cracks, frightened and always uncertain of whether or not their space is going to be attacked or destroyed.

Characters: I like Gabriel's character. The way he's described gives me this image of a rock, of a man who has been hardened by the world he grew up in. But he projects a demeanor of calm and reassurance, and I like that he's not emotionally closed off. He still feels anger at the state he has to live in. It makes him a more believable character, I think.

On Jaime, however, I did think it was somewhat unrealistic, his state of naivety. Especially at seventeen. Not to say that to be seventeen and naive is the craziest thing I have ever heard in the world, but when you live your life dodging angry mobs, hiding out in old buildings, and pretty much fending for your life, it kind of makes you grow up fast.

Relationships: However, on Jaime's character, I think that his fearful and sensitive soul is a great complement to Gabriel's calm and reassurance. They feed off each other to create this really nice brother relationship, even when they aren't blood related. I really thought that was interesting, realizing they weren't related after thinking they were actual brothers. Their interactions were presented really well.

Enjoyment: This is a really good opening chapter and I very much enjoyed it. You set the scene, established the characters, and presented the conflict in so many words without it feeling overwhelming, or too vague. Kudos! :D

2/15/2013 c1 43LuckycoolHawk9
Opening: The opening drew in my attention and made me wander why it was so quiet. It was a powerful hook and it made me continue through the chapter with the intial quiet in mind.
Ending: The ending left my mind wondering with a confused feeling. There is still a lot of mysteries to why the humans hate them and how Gabriel came to be a freak. It made me want to read onwards.
Scene: The backstory stood out in particular to me with Gabriel finding Jamie. It gave a sense of the relationship between the two brothers and how it works, and shows me how powerful it was. It was a good feeling because I could relate to it.
Characters: I felt sympathy for Gabriel and Jamie. Both of them had a rough childhood and it also shows the corruptness of today's society.
Relationships: The way the two characters behave is credibile. It feels natural because both were parentless and they worked together to raise themselves.
Enjoyment: I truly enjoyed this piece. I enjoyed it because the suspense was there and the characters felt real.
11/9/2012 c5 63RedactedNoLongerWriting
I'm a little confused here how much time has passed between now and the previous chapter. It seems in the narration to have only been a day (or even just that day) but Jamie speaks of the others like he's known them for a while now. I think I said something to this effect last time, how the pacing is a little strange to me with them opening up to the Ezra, Mari, and Icarus so soon, and I think that's the case here too. I know you said it was intentional because Gabe is lonely, and I think you could make this work if you showed specifically what makes Jamie feel so familiar with them. For example, the comment at the end about nicknames was a nice touch, because it makes their relationship noticeably relatable to Jamie as similar to his with his brother. I guess it all boils down to show-don't-tell, haha, and you can get away with almost anything with the proper pacing.

Really happy for the update. :D I'm also doing NaNo right now and this was my 'prize' for reaching my goal today. Good luck on yours!
10/12/2012 c4 RedactedNoLongerWriting
So I was originally going to wait to review this until I've slept (it's 1AM) but I was just thinking this was like the Cal Leandros books and then I saw the quotes on your profile and was like 'yes! a fan!' This hasn't happened to me before. It's exciting.

And I mean that in the best possible way, by the way. This reminds me in the best ways of those books because it has all those things I like fiction: the brotherly relationship, the supernatural, a heavy dose of darkness, and that little bit of hopelessness that makes me want to cheer them on after giving all the characters hot cocoa and a hug.

I followed this story a while ago because I really liked the first couple chapters. I thought the third might have rushed into the new characters a little (I got the feel for Gabe and Jamie's relationship in the first two but I didn't feel they were established as inseparable by then, so adding in new people distorts that a little for me) but it was nice action. This chapter was good too. It's on the right track again with their relationship while also advancing the plot well. I will caution you not to have Gabe dive into trusting the new people so easily, though, because it makes it look like Jamie doesn't know his brother as well as he says he does, casting some doubt on his narration.

Still, I was really excited to see the alert email for this today and that's always a good sign in my book. :)
10/12/2012 c4 13the ticking clock
AWESOME chapter. the interaction and relationship between all the characters is so intriguing...can't wait for more.
8/16/2012 c3 the ticking clock
I love how you introduced these new characters...I can tell I'm going to love them already!
I like the conversational tone of this story...it's a change from your usual writing style, and I really noticed it here. That's not a bad thing, just different. And it's pretty awesome. so good job :)
5/7/2012 c2 the ticking clock
AMAZING. I love the love and friendship between these two. it's awesome. :) it's both simple and complex at the same time while being completely natural.
4/3/2012 c1 the ticking clock
amazing. I love your beautiful descriptions of Gabriel. the bond between him and Jamie is so clear, and i find Jamie extremely likeable, and relatable...

as to what should happen in the second chapter:

now that you've started the story off with a bang, with the attack and a small explanation, we need a little back story. Why did Gabriel raise Jamie? what happened to their parents? maybe you could talk about how Jamie became a werewolf, like he remembers the night he was turned or something. this would help strengthen his character and help the reader get even closer into his mind and how he thinks, so this enhances the quality of the story. does that make sense, at all? so i guess chapter two could be a bit of back story, and then maybe explain what exactly the raids are, and how Gabriel and Jamie have survived this long on their own. something like that. does that help?

AMAZING chapter, I can't wait for more!

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