5/14/2012 c1 36Miyano Ran
This was spectacularly lovely I could only pray to have a writing style like yours. The way you compare the steps on how to bake it and his emotions are great Very touching! loved it!

4/9/2012 c1 10MischievousPrincess
Wow, for a moment there I thought it was gonna end in "happily ever after", and then I read the last part and I was left speechless, but I should've figured that out, since this is Drama/Romance. I loved how you portrayed the narrator's feelings, I could perfectly understand him. Good job! I hope you got a good grade, because you totally deserve an A+! See ya!

4/8/2012 c1 6Findus
Hi, dropping in to return a favor. And I'm glad I did. Food metaphors can't be wrong, same as with fragrances and scents, food awaken strong emotions in people. I enjoyed the fact that you chose first person point of view with this.

I get a sense of how your narrator feels very protected by the love he's describing and at the beginning I figured it wasn't necessarily romantic love since he compares it to his Nanna's cooking. He seems very hungry for affection and the way you describe the background story it's quite understandable.

"rushing to get (to) where they needed to be"- You still editing this? If not, I'd take out the ( ). I enjoyed the 'dance routine' observation of people hustling to get their coffee and the thought of just spotting someone across a bustling room like that.

"She was one of those lost someones." I liked this. I can sympathize with feeling like one of them and the wanting to be seen or found.

The ending, ah, I felt for your narrator. I thought it might end sweeter since this was all about chocolate and they had that instant connection but this was a good way to wrap it up to. Making him crumble completely. You might also let him burn those chocolate fondants ;)

Since you mentioned this is an assignment, some nitpicking (which isn't meant to criticize just to earn you top grades :) ) -

"talk about to a new acquaintance" - chg to: with a new acquaintance

"she had an obsession of ducks" - had an obsession with, or she was obsessed with

"It was enlightening, illuminating, delightful, and all over things magical: Just like your nanna's homemade cooking." - swop the : for a comma or if you want a longer pause a dash.

Good luck with the assignment and thanks for letting me read your work!

4/8/2012 c1 6Victoria Best
Wow, I love this! I could really empathise with the narrator, and really feel his pain at the end of the story. It was such a shock, because I expected this story to have a happy ending, considering all the metaphors and references to things with connotations of happiness, for example chocolate. Everything seemed perfect and beautiful, and then we are crashed with that ending... It was stunning. I went back and reread the story, and after doing so, I could see that actually, right from the beginning there was a chilling undertone, as though even the narrator himself knew it was too good to last right from the beginning. One interpretation could be that the food metaphor actually applies to the situation as a whole. No matter how perfect the food becomes, it will not last, in the same way that his love did not last.

I love the structure. It is so abstract in the way the story is interspersed with the recipe, and it almost acts as a break and enables the reader to reflect on that part of the story and think about how it directly affects them. That was just genius!

As a short story, this is great, but as a future reference, I would avoid revealing too much information straight away, and so directly. For example, you describe early on how his parents neglected him, and this is a very clear and straightforward. To build suspense and intrigue, this could be implied subtly as the story progresses, leaving the reader to come to the conclusion that he was neglected as a child by themselves, thus keeping them thinking about the story rather than passivley reading. Nothing should be direct, and I think that because we are told his situation rather than shown it, we cannot empathise with him as much. This is not a major criicism, just something you could watch out for in the future. :)

Otherwise, I really enjoyed this. The metaphors were incredible, and you are a brilliant writer. Keep writing and following your dreams!

-Vicky x

4/8/2012 c1 2She11y
I love how you have written this! :D Heart-breaking, but really cleverly written - and on the plus side, I know how to make chocolate fondant now ;) thanks for writing