for A Brilliant Mistake8/27/2012 c2 Nikkole15
Loved it once again, it's a shame that they don't seem to want to get along. I wish Rox could figure out what happened, besides the flashing obviously, because I want to know what the heck happened!
The chemistry between Logan and Rox is electrifying. They just WORK.
Love your story and I hope you will not lose optimism.
Loved it once again, it's a shame that they don't seem to want to get along. I wish Rox could figure out what happened, besides the flashing obviously, because I want to know what the heck happened!
The chemistry between Logan and Rox is electrifying. They just WORK.
Love your story and I hope you will not lose optimism.
6/12/2012 c1 this wild abyss
Hmm. Well, like you've already said, this story is based on a bit of a cliché. It's not a bad thing, of course. Romance as a genre has never been my cup of tea, so I'm not sure how cliché it is or isn't.
You do write well, though. In the beginning I thought Roxanne's conversation with herself was interesting and a good way to introduce her to readers. You set up her personality there and I liked that you carried through with it. Her characterization is well-done, as is Logan's. Both of them seem to fit into pre-existing character types, but again, that's not necessarily a bad thing.
On the whole, I think this is a strong start. You seem to be comfortable writing in the romance genre and though I already think I know where this is going, I can tell you'll make it fun.
Hmm. Well, like you've already said, this story is based on a bit of a cliché. It's not a bad thing, of course. Romance as a genre has never been my cup of tea, so I'm not sure how cliché it is or isn't.
You do write well, though. In the beginning I thought Roxanne's conversation with herself was interesting and a good way to introduce her to readers. You set up her personality there and I liked that you carried through with it. Her characterization is well-done, as is Logan's. Both of them seem to fit into pre-existing character types, but again, that's not necessarily a bad thing.
On the whole, I think this is a strong start. You seem to be comfortable writing in the romance genre and though I already think I know where this is going, I can tell you'll make it fun.
6/12/2012 c1 Tahlian
Wow that's well written. It's nice to see a story with correct grammar and a higher quality of writing than what I'm used to on all these sites.
Logan - she says he's an "arsehole" but he was quite nice to her until she bit his head off. With the way he responded I get the feeling that they have a somewhat volatile relationship. One wrong word and... BOOM.
Rox reacted realistically and the dialogue is superb!
I really look forward to seeing where your going with this.
Care to review back?
Thank you.
Tahlia
Wow that's well written. It's nice to see a story with correct grammar and a higher quality of writing than what I'm used to on all these sites.
Logan - she says he's an "arsehole" but he was quite nice to her until she bit his head off. With the way he responded I get the feeling that they have a somewhat volatile relationship. One wrong word and... BOOM.
Rox reacted realistically and the dialogue is superb!
I really look forward to seeing where your going with this.
Care to review back?
Thank you.
Tahlia
6/11/2012 c1 
44professional griefer
There are a lot of issues with this. You capitalize places there shouldn't be capitals and your dialogue punctuation needs a bit of work.
As for the plot, I dunno. seems a bit cliched, really. Your dialogue is good, but I couldn't really get into the characters that easily.
It's just not that interesting to me, personally.
With some work on punctuation, capitalization, and character development, this could work. Until then, it just comes off as cliched.
44professional grieferThere are a lot of issues with this. You capitalize places there shouldn't be capitals and your dialogue punctuation needs a bit of work.
As for the plot, I dunno. seems a bit cliched, really. Your dialogue is good, but I couldn't really get into the characters that easily.
It's just not that interesting to me, personally.
With some work on punctuation, capitalization, and character development, this could work. Until then, it just comes off as cliched.
6/9/2012 c1 4OneOriginalThing
Plot: it's a bit cliche. The boy you absolutely detest from the bottoms of your heart is actually the only manthat your going to be with for the rest of your life. And of course the drunk bit adds a bit more to the cliche. She's obviously not very old to know and have that reasoning that drinking doesn't help all of your problems. But other than that I actually enjoyed reading this, it was funny, witty and cute
Charectors: I liked the charectors, her brother seems to care of her, and genuinely care about her as well. She seems to be way goin loveto see what's obvious, that Adam was cheating on her and that heartbroken feeling is because she was so in loe with. Him, it's very realistic that her body can feel certain emotions that he remind can't process at the moment. And Logan seems to genuinely care about her, he probably has for a very long time.
Dialogue: It flows, but it also screams British. Which I'm guessing is we're this story is taking place, somewhere in Britain. The dialogue seems very normal, something I could picture saying idiot had been in the situation, and it is incredibly awkward at all.
Opening: I liked the opening a lot, I couldn't exactly tell what was going on, but I really liked it when she saw Logan. And it became obvious at that point that he is madly in love with her and that it's just going to take ome time for her to see that.
4OneOriginalThingPlot: it's a bit cliche. The boy you absolutely detest from the bottoms of your heart is actually the only manthat your going to be with for the rest of your life. And of course the drunk bit adds a bit more to the cliche. She's obviously not very old to know and have that reasoning that drinking doesn't help all of your problems. But other than that I actually enjoyed reading this, it was funny, witty and cute
Charectors: I liked the charectors, her brother seems to care of her, and genuinely care about her as well. She seems to be way goin loveto see what's obvious, that Adam was cheating on her and that heartbroken feeling is because she was so in loe with. Him, it's very realistic that her body can feel certain emotions that he remind can't process at the moment. And Logan seems to genuinely care about her, he probably has for a very long time.
Dialogue: It flows, but it also screams British. Which I'm guessing is we're this story is taking place, somewhere in Britain. The dialogue seems very normal, something I could picture saying idiot had been in the situation, and it is incredibly awkward at all.
Opening: I liked the opening a lot, I couldn't exactly tell what was going on, but I really liked it when she saw Logan. And it became obvious at that point that he is madly in love with her and that it's just going to take ome time for her to see that.
6/8/2012 c1 76The Autumn Queen
["Urgh" She groaned,] - comma or fullstop after the talking marks?
I love the internal argument at the beginning there. nice and simple and catchy. And most of your descriptions. The first paragraph on the other hand I didn't like too much. It seemed a little dense in comparison to the rest. eg. where you said "gritty sore eyes reluctantly" - do you really need all those adjectives? Without anything to split them? It just seems out of place. If you followed that through, it wouldn't be, but the structure of the rest of your text seems well...more frank in comparison.
[The hell...why weren't those curtains drawn.] - question, so should end with a question mark, rhetorical or no.
[Time to evaluate her surroundings. A pillow, nothing unusual there. Duvet...urgh, she screwed her nose up. ] - love that part. :)
Good to see it wasn't some random guy. This makes it way more interesting.
[Don't be too hard on her, she's had her heartbroken.] - heart broken. I'd say that should be two words there.
[this is how Logan saw her?] - it's the only place you use present tense. Is there a reason why?
76The Autumn Queen["Urgh" She groaned,] - comma or fullstop after the talking marks?
I love the internal argument at the beginning there. nice and simple and catchy. And most of your descriptions. The first paragraph on the other hand I didn't like too much. It seemed a little dense in comparison to the rest. eg. where you said "gritty sore eyes reluctantly" - do you really need all those adjectives? Without anything to split them? It just seems out of place. If you followed that through, it wouldn't be, but the structure of the rest of your text seems well...more frank in comparison.
[The hell...why weren't those curtains drawn.] - question, so should end with a question mark, rhetorical or no.
[Time to evaluate her surroundings. A pillow, nothing unusual there. Duvet...urgh, she screwed her nose up. ] - love that part. :)
Good to see it wasn't some random guy. This makes it way more interesting.
[Don't be too hard on her, she's had her heartbroken.] - heart broken. I'd say that should be two words there.
[this is how Logan saw her?] - it's the only place you use present tense. Is there a reason why?
5/16/2012 c1 hayley
I noticed a few mistakes which I've emailed you. Hurry up and update, I can't stand the waiting! I love Logan already!
I noticed a few mistakes which I've emailed you. Hurry up and update, I can't stand the waiting! I love Logan already!
4/24/2012 c1 Angel-wings89 ff.net user
I like Logan, can't usually tell with one chapters but he seems a right cheeky sod ;)
I like Logan, can't usually tell with one chapters but he seems a right cheeky sod ;)
4/24/2012 c1 update plz
Hi hi, wondering wen de update is due? cant weight to read mor !1!
Hi hi, wondering wen de update is due? cant weight to read mor !1!
4/18/2012 c1 33FLIPPER66
very good story so far i'd like to see more too it hopefully more chappys are coming soon. if you could look at some of my stories
33FLIPPER66very good story so far i'd like to see more too it hopefully more chappys are coming soon. if you could look at some of my stories
4/18/2012 c1 yumexx
Oooh ! Great start ! Can't wait to see where it goes and why she hates Logan so much. Also like the fact that Adam doesn't fit the whole good boyfriend, sucks that I cheated on him stereotype!
Oooh ! Great start ! Can't wait to see where it goes and why she hates Logan so much. Also like the fact that Adam doesn't fit the whole good boyfriend, sucks that I cheated on him stereotype!
4/15/2012 c1 Pheonix
Hey, interesting start. Why does she hate Logan? Hope to see more soon.
Hey, interesting start. Why does she hate Logan? Hope to see more soon.
4/15/2012 c1 1Forlorn-ember
I much prefer it in the she form to the i form though I noticed there were some I's still left in by mistake.
She glanced down, the cool air creating goosebumps across my bare skin
and
when he knew I was lying here naked, barely a foot away from my older brother.
I also noticed that when you edited the last paragraphs she now forgets to pick up her bra. Intentional? I'm so excited to see how this story pans out.
1Forlorn-emberI much prefer it in the she form to the i form though I noticed there were some I's still left in by mistake.
She glanced down, the cool air creating goosebumps across my bare skin
and
when he knew I was lying here naked, barely a foot away from my older brother.
I also noticed that when you edited the last paragraphs she now forgets to pick up her bra. Intentional? I'm so excited to see how this story pans out.
4/14/2012 c1 15Nikkole15
I like the beginning of this story, kind of long first chapter! Kind of excited to see where Logan and Rox go. Obviously, if she keeps Adam, well then there is the whole issue with Logan, if he does indeed like Rox. Wooh! That's a lot to take in when you were just drunk. Kind of have the feeling that Adam isn't any kind of goody goody. I honestly think that if he's making excuses like his grandmother falling, that he's probably cheating! Can't wait for the next update. Story alert added!
15Nikkole15I like the beginning of this story, kind of long first chapter! Kind of excited to see where Logan and Rox go. Obviously, if she keeps Adam, well then there is the whole issue with Logan, if he does indeed like Rox. Wooh! That's a lot to take in when you were just drunk. Kind of have the feeling that Adam isn't any kind of goody goody. I honestly think that if he's making excuses like his grandmother falling, that he's probably cheating! Can't wait for the next update. Story alert added!