for Something About Beginnings9/22/2012 c6 Rain Crystal
Exciting! Oh poor Asili, didn't ANYONE tell her about eating problems and what it does to you? I feel so scared for her... I need the next chapter. NEED. I hope you continue to find time and ideas, I really want to know what happens next!
I found two errors... Well, one for sure, the other is just a bit confusing, to me.
"Sighing, I turn the TV on, but find nothing of amusement. I soon just get to thinking of school, and how this will be the last week. The summer, will hopefully not, but most likely be horribly boring."
I think it should be 'The summer will, hopefully not, but most likely will be horribly boring.' I used will twice, I know, so it also sounds weird, but it sounds weird where the comma is and with only one will. I think it's your choice to change that one or to leave it.
"To what scene would my dad walk in on, but the one where I'm blasting 80s music, singing at the top of my lugs, bouncing the baby around as if we were dancing."
I believe you meant LUNGS*, if you meant lugs then I really have no idea what that means. Maybe it's some sort of weird slang... Either way that's all I found. Yay! Gosh I hope Chapter Seven will be here soon. Soooooooooooo excited and scared and so darn curious as to what is going on with her mother.
Exciting! Oh poor Asili, didn't ANYONE tell her about eating problems and what it does to you? I feel so scared for her... I need the next chapter. NEED. I hope you continue to find time and ideas, I really want to know what happens next!
I found two errors... Well, one for sure, the other is just a bit confusing, to me.
"Sighing, I turn the TV on, but find nothing of amusement. I soon just get to thinking of school, and how this will be the last week. The summer, will hopefully not, but most likely be horribly boring."
I think it should be 'The summer will, hopefully not, but most likely will be horribly boring.' I used will twice, I know, so it also sounds weird, but it sounds weird where the comma is and with only one will. I think it's your choice to change that one or to leave it.
"To what scene would my dad walk in on, but the one where I'm blasting 80s music, singing at the top of my lugs, bouncing the baby around as if we were dancing."
I believe you meant LUNGS*, if you meant lugs then I really have no idea what that means. Maybe it's some sort of weird slang... Either way that's all I found. Yay! Gosh I hope Chapter Seven will be here soon. Soooooooooooo excited and scared and so darn curious as to what is going on with her mother.
8/8/2012 c5 Rain Crystal
Fab chapter. We can see a lot going on, and a lot changing. I'm not sure if I want her mother to be fine or not. She seems... Bitch-ish, honestly. Hard to tell what I want to have happen. At the very least for everything to work out... Or not. Bad twists are good twists in my book. Gives me hope not every story will end 'Happily Ever After', a little too predictable like that.
I found errors! (Which should be a bad thing, but it's good to have someone notice them and point them out, I think so anyway.) And one word at the end that I'm not sure if you meant it to be there or no.
First Error: You missed the first quotation mark here, "Goodbye Mr. and Mrs. Davids, sorry if I did anything to disrespect you. See you in school Asili.""
Second Error: You forgot a space, which I suppose isn't a huge deal but it looks funny. ""Is Asili Davids actually asking me on a date? Where she cooks me dinner? I couldn't miss this."I punch him in the arm and roll my eyes."
Third Error: Missed the last quotation mark here, it looks VERY silly and odd because of it, ""Crap! I love this shirt and blood doesn't come out. Turn around!(Insert Quote Mark, I think.) I whip off my shirt, and stand there for a few seconds in my bra, unsure of what to do next."
And the weird word that may or may not be meant. "The night is cool with a small crescent 'mood', and a million stars in the sky." I think it works with 'mood', but you may have meant 'moon', and in which case you should probably change it. Either way that one is kind of up to you. I like mood, it is a bit confusing at first but it sounds... different and nice, to me anyway.
Thank you for sharing and uploading another chapter! I, for one, cannot wait for the next chapter.
Fab chapter. We can see a lot going on, and a lot changing. I'm not sure if I want her mother to be fine or not. She seems... Bitch-ish, honestly. Hard to tell what I want to have happen. At the very least for everything to work out... Or not. Bad twists are good twists in my book. Gives me hope not every story will end 'Happily Ever After', a little too predictable like that.
I found errors! (Which should be a bad thing, but it's good to have someone notice them and point them out, I think so anyway.) And one word at the end that I'm not sure if you meant it to be there or no.
First Error: You missed the first quotation mark here, "Goodbye Mr. and Mrs. Davids, sorry if I did anything to disrespect you. See you in school Asili.""
Second Error: You forgot a space, which I suppose isn't a huge deal but it looks funny. ""Is Asili Davids actually asking me on a date? Where she cooks me dinner? I couldn't miss this."I punch him in the arm and roll my eyes."
Third Error: Missed the last quotation mark here, it looks VERY silly and odd because of it, ""Crap! I love this shirt and blood doesn't come out. Turn around!(Insert Quote Mark, I think.) I whip off my shirt, and stand there for a few seconds in my bra, unsure of what to do next."
And the weird word that may or may not be meant. "The night is cool with a small crescent 'mood', and a million stars in the sky." I think it works with 'mood', but you may have meant 'moon', and in which case you should probably change it. Either way that one is kind of up to you. I like mood, it is a bit confusing at first but it sounds... different and nice, to me anyway.
Thank you for sharing and uploading another chapter! I, for one, cannot wait for the next chapter.
7/8/2012 c4 Rain Crystal
I am completely enraptured by this tale. I just HAVE to know what happens next. There is so much explained in this chapter that we need another to fully understand it all. Such a tough time to go through, I really hope she'll pull through and EAT.
I have found errors that, because I am who I am, I must point out.
I find it possible I am wrong but I BELIEVE the name of the cafe should be capitalized. "There's a little cafe called Bookworm down the road, and it actually roomed with a bookstore."
There should be an S at the end of 'buck', for obvious reasons, "I was hungry for something good to read, and had a few extra bucks..."
This, "Inside, with them right next to each other I can /asses/ how alike they look." is spelled wrong and therefore is a different word with a COMPLETELY different meaning. One more S at the end, "Assess".
This little error speaks for itself. " and a whole lot of stuff that I don;t really listen to."
As can this one " My legs are bulgy and squishy., covered in fat."
'Hot off the press', huh? Always useful to have spell check on. With , the writing program I use, I can even get a grammar checker. It is extremely useful, though you have to download the extension specially.
Just trying to help a fellow writer, especially since I adore this story and don't want mistakes to take away from it. Naturally I have mistakes too, I'm no where near perfect, so feel free to write long reviews about the billions of errors /I/ have.
Thank you for updating, I can't wait for the next chapter!
I am completely enraptured by this tale. I just HAVE to know what happens next. There is so much explained in this chapter that we need another to fully understand it all. Such a tough time to go through, I really hope she'll pull through and EAT.
I have found errors that, because I am who I am, I must point out.
I find it possible I am wrong but I BELIEVE the name of the cafe should be capitalized. "There's a little cafe called Bookworm down the road, and it actually roomed with a bookstore."
There should be an S at the end of 'buck', for obvious reasons, "I was hungry for something good to read, and had a few extra bucks..."
This, "Inside, with them right next to each other I can /asses/ how alike they look." is spelled wrong and therefore is a different word with a COMPLETELY different meaning. One more S at the end, "Assess".
This little error speaks for itself. " and a whole lot of stuff that I don;t really listen to."
As can this one " My legs are bulgy and squishy., covered in fat."
'Hot off the press', huh? Always useful to have spell check on. With , the writing program I use, I can even get a grammar checker. It is extremely useful, though you have to download the extension specially.
Just trying to help a fellow writer, especially since I adore this story and don't want mistakes to take away from it. Naturally I have mistakes too, I'm no where near perfect, so feel free to write long reviews about the billions of errors /I/ have.
Thank you for updating, I can't wait for the next chapter!
5/27/2012 c3 Rain Crystal
I am personally a huge fan of Sarah Dessen I have read all her books and loved all of them.
This chapter really felt... so alive. The words you used to describe her emotions brought vivid images to my minds eye. I'm seeing this boy, 'Ronnie', and thinking 'Wow, he's annoying and pushy... just what she needs in her life.' I can't find a thing to critique. Almost wish I could. I'm also looking at 'Ben' and trying to decide if he'll be good for her. If maybe what she needs is someone to lean on right now. And Ben could be that person, or Ronnie since she's already told him everything practically.
Whenever the fourth chapter comes out, I'll make sure to read it and comment instantly. Thank you for continuing this tale!
I am personally a huge fan of Sarah Dessen I have read all her books and loved all of them.
This chapter really felt... so alive. The words you used to describe her emotions brought vivid images to my minds eye. I'm seeing this boy, 'Ronnie', and thinking 'Wow, he's annoying and pushy... just what she needs in her life.' I can't find a thing to critique. Almost wish I could. I'm also looking at 'Ben' and trying to decide if he'll be good for her. If maybe what she needs is someone to lean on right now. And Ben could be that person, or Ronnie since she's already told him everything practically.
Whenever the fourth chapter comes out, I'll make sure to read it and comment instantly. Thank you for continuing this tale!
5/5/2012 c2 Rain Crystal
Oooooh. I am excited for the next chapter. I hope you have an idea as to where you are taking it. If not, I hope you finish the story. I love/hate the suspense you're giving us! As an author I understand you need to leave room for the craving of wanting more, as a reader I wish you could just post everything at once.
Lucky for you I only have minor errors I wish to reveal. "and nothing is as cheery as thy think..." You missed the e in 'they', you might want to actually fix that, along with instead of 'my parents didn't know them...' it would be better if it were 'my parents don't know them...' or even 'haven't met them' something else because didn't is, you know, past tense and sounds extremely awkward in that specific sentence.
Always triple check your work. (Even though it's still possible to miss things anyway.) Thank you for coming up with a second chapter! I hope to see a third!~
Oooooh. I am excited for the next chapter. I hope you have an idea as to where you are taking it. If not, I hope you finish the story. I love/hate the suspense you're giving us! As an author I understand you need to leave room for the craving of wanting more, as a reader I wish you could just post everything at once.
Lucky for you I only have minor errors I wish to reveal. "and nothing is as cheery as thy think..." You missed the e in 'they', you might want to actually fix that, along with instead of 'my parents didn't know them...' it would be better if it were 'my parents don't know them...' or even 'haven't met them' something else because didn't is, you know, past tense and sounds extremely awkward in that specific sentence.
Always triple check your work. (Even though it's still possible to miss things anyway.) Thank you for coming up with a second chapter! I hope to see a third!~
4/21/2012 c1 Daliah Valley
This is really good, even better than most of what I like on here! Keep it up, and by that I mean, UPDATE!
This is really good, even better than most of what I like on here! Keep it up, and by that I mean, UPDATE!
4/21/2012 c1 Rain Crystal
I'm deeply interested in this story. At first I was just curious as to what it could be, but now I'm wanting to know more about 'Anila' and her relationship with Asili's father. At first I thought it was her mother, but now I'm not so sure. At all.
I do have minor critiques, I'm a bit of a spelling and grammar-ish policewomen.
Every so often there is an 'i' instead of an 'I', it just always gets to me when it's like that. And there's one sentence that, granted, makes sense but it is still... some how wordy.
"wondering how I could have ever even had hope he would agree." There's some how something either missing or there's too much. I'll make it wordier, 'wondering how I could have ever even /have had/ hope /that/ he would agree.' I personally think it is better, but you don't have to change it if you actually prefer it that way.
One other thing. There is a lot of 'my dad' 'MY mom' 'MY -' going on. I understand that it makes total sense at first, but after a while it gets a little on my nerves. Personally, just my opinion. I think there should be less 'my'ing, it's rather blatantly obvious whose parents it is after a sentence or two.
Those are the small critiques I have, you are free to acknowledge them or not, it is your choice.
I just sort of wish, even with 'beautiful mess' there, you could have some how managed to describe the walls and furniture more. Maybe even using emotional words to describe how she was painting it, even more specifically what sort of rebellious Asili she rather suddenly became. The emotion as to why she really did it.
I'm looking forward to another chapter, if you dare to continue. I can't tell how this will move on, but I'm seeing some sort of 'Anila was dad's best friend but then he fell in love with her while married and had an affair and she hated it and therefore committed suicide.'
Don't take it from me, I'm probably way off anyway.
I'm so subscribing to the story so I can keep up with the chapters.
Good luck and keep typing.
I'm deeply interested in this story. At first I was just curious as to what it could be, but now I'm wanting to know more about 'Anila' and her relationship with Asili's father. At first I thought it was her mother, but now I'm not so sure. At all.
I do have minor critiques, I'm a bit of a spelling and grammar-ish policewomen.
Every so often there is an 'i' instead of an 'I', it just always gets to me when it's like that. And there's one sentence that, granted, makes sense but it is still... some how wordy.
"wondering how I could have ever even had hope he would agree." There's some how something either missing or there's too much. I'll make it wordier, 'wondering how I could have ever even /have had/ hope /that/ he would agree.' I personally think it is better, but you don't have to change it if you actually prefer it that way.
One other thing. There is a lot of 'my dad' 'MY mom' 'MY -' going on. I understand that it makes total sense at first, but after a while it gets a little on my nerves. Personally, just my opinion. I think there should be less 'my'ing, it's rather blatantly obvious whose parents it is after a sentence or two.
Those are the small critiques I have, you are free to acknowledge them or not, it is your choice.
I just sort of wish, even with 'beautiful mess' there, you could have some how managed to describe the walls and furniture more. Maybe even using emotional words to describe how she was painting it, even more specifically what sort of rebellious Asili she rather suddenly became. The emotion as to why she really did it.
I'm looking forward to another chapter, if you dare to continue. I can't tell how this will move on, but I'm seeing some sort of 'Anila was dad's best friend but then he fell in love with her while married and had an affair and she hated it and therefore committed suicide.'
Don't take it from me, I'm probably way off anyway.
I'm so subscribing to the story so I can keep up with the chapters.
Good luck and keep typing.