for The Girl With Blue Eye's5/30/2012 c1 this wild abyss
1. ”Once [a pon] a time, [theres] a girl named Lory [that] lived in the Dark Forest of Eastern Italy.” — Edits: “a pon” should be “upon”, “theres” should be “there’s” and “that” should be “who” since you’re talking about a person.
2. “[they] would be kicked out” — Edit: “tehy” should be “they”
3.” one person [wiht] a gift should marry or mate” — Edit: “wiht” should be “with”
4. “I rolled my [eye's”] — Edit: “eye’s” should be “eyes”
5. “[Motehr] wasn't always like this” — Edit: “motehr” should be “mother”
6. “vicously killed [in a] rampaging villagers” — Edit: should be “was killed [by] rampaging villagers”
7. “Soon we [was] [inthe] middle of the village” — Edits: “was” should be “were”, “inthe” should be “in the”
8. “at Miss [Taylors]” — Edit: should be “Taylor’s”
9. “[IT's] [to] bad they sent [Him] away” — why are “it” and “him” capitalized? Edit: “to” should be “too”
10. “I rolled my [eye's] at them” — Edit: should be “eyes”
[Opening] The first few paragraphs of this had a nice fairytale feel to them. I liked the way you set up the exposition and ran with it because it gave the rest of the piece a certain aura. It also helped to have that background information right up front.
[Scene] I never really got a good feel for the scene here. I liked that it was dynamic and shifted throughout the segment, but between transitions there was never a good set-up, so I was left wanting more.
[Dialogue] For the most part you did a good job in this area. It wasn’t your strongest point, though. A lot of the conversation was stilted and seemed unnatural. I’d suggest using more contractions and simpler synonyms. If it helps, try reading your dialogue out loud to get a good feel for what works and doesn’t.
[Characters] I would have liked to see a lot more characterization here. For a lot of readers, memorable characters are a major thing that will make or break your story. From this, the only thing I got about our protagonist is that she has some sort of gift that would get her in trouble. Interesting, sure, but I need more. Definitely more character detail needed here.
[Relationships] Because I didn’t get a good feel for your characters, I couldn’t say if their interactions were accurate or not. I did think Lory and her mother had an interesting way of dealing with each other, and I liked that in some places you attempted to explain how and why they had the relationship they did. It helped keep things in perspective.
[Writing] I don’t think your writing is awful by any means, but I do think it could use a lot of polish. Throw in some variety—imagery, stream of consciousness, whatever. Try to branch out and refine your skill.
[Spelling/Grammar] This, for me, was your weakest point. If you don’t already do this, try running your writing through a spell-check. (FP has one in the Doc Manager.) Be careful of misplaced apostrophes and missing spaces. No matter how interesting your writing is or how engaging your story, readers will always be put off by typos. They’re distracting and keep people from focusing on the content of your writing.
[Plot] It’s too early for me to say, but depending on where you take things, this has promise as an original and unique storyline. Maybe retellings of fairytales are a little bit overdone, but I think there’s always room for one more spin on a story.
[Pace] I think you rushed through this. A lot more detail and explanation would be great. If you work on the buildup a little bit more, the action-y bits will be that much better.
[Setting] As with your characterization, I think you do more in this area. What does this place look like? Smell like? How does Lory feel about this place? Don’t underestimate how important description can be. Obviously, there is such a thing as too much, but you’re a long way off from that point, so I’d say go ahead and expand on this.
[Ending] There was a nice, almost-cliffhanger feel to this. I liked the way you drew your readers’ attentions like that with the promise of more. It kept things interesting and helped the plot move along without too much fanfare.
1. ”Once [a pon] a time, [theres] a girl named Lory [that] lived in the Dark Forest of Eastern Italy.” — Edits: “a pon” should be “upon”, “theres” should be “there’s” and “that” should be “who” since you’re talking about a person.
2. “[they] would be kicked out” — Edit: “tehy” should be “they”
3.” one person [wiht] a gift should marry or mate” — Edit: “wiht” should be “with”
4. “I rolled my [eye's”] — Edit: “eye’s” should be “eyes”
5. “[Motehr] wasn't always like this” — Edit: “motehr” should be “mother”
6. “vicously killed [in a] rampaging villagers” — Edit: should be “was killed [by] rampaging villagers”
7. “Soon we [was] [inthe] middle of the village” — Edits: “was” should be “were”, “inthe” should be “in the”
8. “at Miss [Taylors]” — Edit: should be “Taylor’s”
9. “[IT's] [to] bad they sent [Him] away” — why are “it” and “him” capitalized? Edit: “to” should be “too”
10. “I rolled my [eye's] at them” — Edit: should be “eyes”
[Opening] The first few paragraphs of this had a nice fairytale feel to them. I liked the way you set up the exposition and ran with it because it gave the rest of the piece a certain aura. It also helped to have that background information right up front.
[Scene] I never really got a good feel for the scene here. I liked that it was dynamic and shifted throughout the segment, but between transitions there was never a good set-up, so I was left wanting more.
[Dialogue] For the most part you did a good job in this area. It wasn’t your strongest point, though. A lot of the conversation was stilted and seemed unnatural. I’d suggest using more contractions and simpler synonyms. If it helps, try reading your dialogue out loud to get a good feel for what works and doesn’t.
[Characters] I would have liked to see a lot more characterization here. For a lot of readers, memorable characters are a major thing that will make or break your story. From this, the only thing I got about our protagonist is that she has some sort of gift that would get her in trouble. Interesting, sure, but I need more. Definitely more character detail needed here.
[Relationships] Because I didn’t get a good feel for your characters, I couldn’t say if their interactions were accurate or not. I did think Lory and her mother had an interesting way of dealing with each other, and I liked that in some places you attempted to explain how and why they had the relationship they did. It helped keep things in perspective.
[Writing] I don’t think your writing is awful by any means, but I do think it could use a lot of polish. Throw in some variety—imagery, stream of consciousness, whatever. Try to branch out and refine your skill.
[Spelling/Grammar] This, for me, was your weakest point. If you don’t already do this, try running your writing through a spell-check. (FP has one in the Doc Manager.) Be careful of misplaced apostrophes and missing spaces. No matter how interesting your writing is or how engaging your story, readers will always be put off by typos. They’re distracting and keep people from focusing on the content of your writing.
[Plot] It’s too early for me to say, but depending on where you take things, this has promise as an original and unique storyline. Maybe retellings of fairytales are a little bit overdone, but I think there’s always room for one more spin on a story.
[Pace] I think you rushed through this. A lot more detail and explanation would be great. If you work on the buildup a little bit more, the action-y bits will be that much better.
[Setting] As with your characterization, I think you do more in this area. What does this place look like? Smell like? How does Lory feel about this place? Don’t underestimate how important description can be. Obviously, there is such a thing as too much, but you’re a long way off from that point, so I’d say go ahead and expand on this.
[Ending] There was a nice, almost-cliffhanger feel to this. I liked the way you drew your readers’ attentions like that with the promise of more. It kept things interesting and helped the plot move along without too much fanfare.