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3/31/2013 c1 4lookingwest
...cheekbones look sharp enough to cut yourself on. [Does someone watch Sherlock?! :D]

Well - reading this the whole way through without stopping - I can tell you right now, you're writing style is phenomenal, especially regarding setting. I think you strike a beautiful balance between poetry and prose with your descriptions and you do so without erring on purple prose, which I think for some people can be a challenge. The opening section was wonderful, I loved it. I really like how you dealt with the passage of time and I think you did so in a unique and clear manner. The pacing of this story seems to happen pretty quickly, however, as she's already escaped and on the road by the end, but I think what you have so far works, it just makes me curious to see what the pacing is like in the next chapter, and so on.

I'm liking Lilly as a character so far. This entire setting of Victorian London is really exciting and something I could never write - I'm envious of your ability to portray it. I think making sense of the strangers that Lilly see worked. By the end when we get to Jude and Judith, I had people sorted out, and I think it was great to bring them in. I do love the smaller poetic section when she's creeping away from the glass coffin (this story has a very Alice in Wonderland feel that I love), but I'm wondering if the scene when she sees Judith and mouths "help" might use some more exposition as far as what Lilly thinks of this? Judith didn't seem surprised at all - so I think we do get the sense that she's right away familiar with Lilly's situation or is there for a purpose, but Lilly's reactions to Judith being so helpful might be worth adding in a little bit. I think pausing to record those kind of things would be something to consider.

Overall though, I'm really impressed with this. It's not everyday I get to come and review in EF and find something that has a very unique poetic air about it and a curious plot and cast of characters. Everything was clear, your editing skills were great and overall this story is well presented, and I appreciate that as a reader. Thanks for the read and I really hope I can catch you in EF again very soon!
3/31/2013 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
This is very lovely writing. I was only going to glance at this because I wasn't sure if I'd have enough time to review before I have to read, but I got sucked into the story. That doesn't happen very often. I think it's from the really rich descriptions you open with of the stars, and I enjoy how you play particular attention to Orion and how he "does cartwheels" across the sky with his dogs. I used to be really into astronomy (until I realized how much math it requires), so those images really appealed to me. Plus they're just so unique in the way you develop the scene from the sky first. I can definitely see where your Angela Carter inspiration comes from, though it's not overly saturated by it so you still posses your own voice and style.

I also enjoy how you impart information. From the beginning, I'm wondering why Lilly is trapped inside this cage, how she got there, why no one seems to notice she's gone missing, and why she's so disoriented. I think it's effective how you sprinkle the answers throughout the chapter, then provide some indirect backstory near the end with the mention of Lilly's town "turning on her." This both answers a question but develops a new one - why did they turn on her? You have the makings of a great plot already, and the situation is intriguing enough that when I reach the end I want to keep reading and see what happens next. So overall, I think you have a really nice first chapter.

I also enjoy your experimentation with the beginning and Lilly coming into consciousness inside a body that seems frozen. The way that later ties into the wax figurine thing is really clever.

The only thing I would have liked to of seen more of would be the other artifacts and trinkets this "collector" seems to have. We get a really wonderful view of the sky, and you do reference a few of the objects through the characters' dialogue, but I wonder if expanding a bit more on the room itself might be something to consider. I'm sure you could come up with a lot of really inventive and fun details, after seeing how wonderfully you've described the sky. It'll really make the room come to life and help develop the tone/mood you're going for, I think. The way you address the tapestry is lovely - just a bit more of that rich description will add another layer of immersion.

Either way, I really enjoyed this. Great job. :)
3/31/2013 c1 44professional griefer
I absolutely love the idea behind this. It's such an original concept, something that hasn't been done much. I thought you started exploring it really well. At the beginning, I wasn't sure quite how I would like the idea, as it is a bit disturbing, but the chapter's long enough to get past the uncomfortableness.

I also loved the very beginning, it's really poetic and a lovely way to describe the stars. Actually the whole section before the page break was gorgeous. It did seem a bit like narrative poetry. I love how she uses kids' songs to remember how her body works, that was a vaguely creepy but genuinely fascinating idea.

One of my main complaints is how quickly Lily escapes. I feel like you would allow a lot more tension to mount if you'd waited longer, we'd care more about her escaping, and feel a greater sense of relief when she did.

I'm also not sure about how I like the world. You give vague hints about what it's like with the language you use in the dialogue, but (unless I'm mistaken) you never expressly state whether it's in the past, or in a different world, or what's going on. And for a first chapter, I feel like just slipping that in somewhere would be a good idea.

But don't get me wrong, this is a great start. Awesome job!
8/31/2012 c1 4FlyingCatFish
Wow, I really enjoyed reading this. It's nothing like I had expected, or anything I've ever come across in the past. Hope you continue, I'd like to find out what happens with Lilly and why the twins have helped her ..
5/8/2012 c1 8Olena Light
"Time drips, and drops. It oozes in slow, sluggish dollops. The crystal conservatory revolves, turns on its axis, a clinking carousel."

Your descriptions are always so perfect. Please continue this :) it's very intriguing
5/4/2012 c1 45Onearmwonder21
I like this story quite a bit, good grammer, plot, and basicaly the whole nine yards. Fantastic work.


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