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for Follow the Dodo

5/16/2012 c2 5Dr. Self Destruct
I thought the beginning of this chapter was really well done. You built up the suspense about the bus ride and the first day of school, especially with how his sister was there kinda giving him a pep-talk. I also enjoyed the conversation Gar had with Tristan when he got on the bus. That was really interesting to hear that Tristan experienced something similar to what Gar went through. It makes me wonder where in face this all originated, and if there's some type of higher power at work here. I'd hate to think it's just a coincidence.

I thought after the bus ride things got a little dense and dragged out. It could just be me, though - I thought the first chapter had a lot more action and really held my interest a lot better than this one. I think one of those reasons might be because of all the names tossed around and how many characters were introduced this chapter - I felt a little overwhelmed. The only one that really left an impression was Wallace because of his humor and how he was nicknaming students - which I thought was really funny. I guess I was just waiting for something more exciting to happen is all, haha. I'm a sucker when it comes to action.

I wonder what significance this new girl is going to have to the story. Gar says she looks familiar... I wonder if it has anything to do with the dolphins. Hmmm.

I have a few corrections I noticed while reading:

["Middle school is not big deal. Except for Mrs. Aves – watch out for her."]

Edit: Should be either 'is no big deal' or 'is not a big deal.'

[He continued to dance around like the road as though it was composed of magma.]

Edit: I thought this sentence was phrased awkwardly. I think you meant "He continued to dance around like the road was composed of magma'?

[Gar's heart skipped a beat when he caught a glimpse at Chrystina Linnocchia.]

Edit: Caught a glimpse of.

[Tristan was was bursting at the seams to begin speaking.]

Edit: Need to take out one of those 'was.'

[The first subject it tides..." Mr. Lepley began to write with ]

Edit: 'it' should be 'is.'
5/15/2012 c1 Dr. Self Destruct
Opening: I really enjoyed how you opened this story telling it from the perspective of an osprey. I thought that was really unique and creative, and I enjoyed the way you approached the flying, how the descriptions were poetic in nature. It really grabbed my attention, especially the first paragraph, so good job with hooking the reader.

Writing: I thought it was really cool how you went from present tense in the beginning of the chapter to past tense when you get to Gar's POV. I thought it really contrasted well, and it added to the suspense of the battle between the dolphins and sharks. Also, I thought your writing had a nice rhythm to it, wasn't too flowery but had a nice balance of description and action. It really kept my attention.

Scene: I think my favorite scene had to be the part with the dodo, haha. I thought it was so cute and comical, and I really enjoyed the light-hearted tone. I also thought it was funny how Gar just kinda accepts it all shortly into the conversation - I think it shows a lot about his personality and how naive a child can be.


[A girl swims next to the boat wears a snorkel and diving mask.]

Edit: The tenses are a little strange in this sentence. Either 'swim' needs to be 'swimming,' or 'wears' needs to be 'wearing.'

[His father scanning the boat with his binoculars.]

Edit: 'Scanning' should be 'scanned.'

[Arriving at the island, Gar pauses to catch his breath.]

Edit: 'Pauses' should be 'paused' since most of this section of the story is being told in past tense and you want to be sure to keep the tenses consistent to not confuse the reader.

[Gar can feel hundreds of eyes on him.]

Edit: Same here - 'can' should be 'could.'

["Show me that one. They wandered over to the lemon carcass.]

Edit: Missing an end quote after 'one.'

[Later that night while laying in bed [that night] the importance of the day's events was completely lost on Gar.]

Style: Suggest removing the bracketed 'that night' since it was already mentioned in the beginning of the sentence.

Enjoyment: Overall, I really enjoyed this. I thought you had a great balance of action, character development, dialogue, plot development, and you left just enough questions unanswered to make me curious as to what might happen next, especially with the dolphins and the dodo. Great job, and thanks for the read!

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