for The Court Magician10/14/2013 c15 
3Midnight Crisis
Awesome chapter. I love that Lathall's master seems to be throwing Lathall under the bus. Please update! it's been almost a year!
3Midnight CrisisAwesome chapter. I love that Lathall's master seems to be throwing Lathall under the bus. Please update! it's been almost a year!
10/22/2012 c2 44professional griefer
I didn't like this: [Dear Master, what would you do if you were in this situation? Unfortunately, I had no way to reach my mentor.] I thought it was confusing to shift from 'you' to 'he'. I would italicize the Dear Master sentence.
I also didn't care for the ending, I thought it was abrupt and it didn't make me rush to click the next chapter button. I just feel it was a bit irrelevant.
I do like the way you instantly characterize Anne, I thought the way you described her gave a clear sense of what kind of person she is.
Also, just one last thing, I feel like you don't italicize your thoughts. There are a few sentences I noticed that don't fit in with the rest of the narrative, and italicizing them would be helpful.
44professional grieferI didn't like this: [Dear Master, what would you do if you were in this situation? Unfortunately, I had no way to reach my mentor.] I thought it was confusing to shift from 'you' to 'he'. I would italicize the Dear Master sentence.
I also didn't care for the ending, I thought it was abrupt and it didn't make me rush to click the next chapter button. I just feel it was a bit irrelevant.
I do like the way you instantly characterize Anne, I thought the way you described her gave a clear sense of what kind of person she is.
Also, just one last thing, I feel like you don't italicize your thoughts. There are a few sentences I noticed that don't fit in with the rest of the narrative, and italicizing them would be helpful.
10/20/2012 c2 1k+Faithless Juliet
I noticed that in the beginning you overused your pronouns, which is an easy mistake to make. I’d recommend going through and changing some of those ‘she’s’ to their actual names during the dialogue breaks. It doesn’t impact understanding who’s speaking but it does make the narrative feel rather flat.
I like how you’re laying out the beginning foundations of the plot and storyline. I can already tell that the guilds will play a significant part as well as Anne, who I’m sensing will turn out to be either a ally or a foe for the princess and Lathall. I did feel like the ending was somewhat abrupt, rather than ending on dialogue, maybe switch it up so Lathall recalls/remembers how Anne graduated at the top of their class. As is it feels like the scene just ended in the middle of the conversation.
Juliet.
1k+Faithless JulietI noticed that in the beginning you overused your pronouns, which is an easy mistake to make. I’d recommend going through and changing some of those ‘she’s’ to their actual names during the dialogue breaks. It doesn’t impact understanding who’s speaking but it does make the narrative feel rather flat.
I like how you’re laying out the beginning foundations of the plot and storyline. I can already tell that the guilds will play a significant part as well as Anne, who I’m sensing will turn out to be either a ally or a foe for the princess and Lathall. I did feel like the ending was somewhat abrupt, rather than ending on dialogue, maybe switch it up so Lathall recalls/remembers how Anne graduated at the top of their class. As is it feels like the scene just ended in the middle of the conversation.
Juliet.
10/15/2012 c1 this wild abyss
Your style here is clear and effective. Things make sense and I have no trouble following what's happening from point to point. Your word choice especially is good, because it fits into the context of the situation. However, pacing-wise, this seems a bit rushed. I don't feel grounded into your setting or conflict right now, as there's a definite lack of exposition. Jumping straight into the action is good, but at some point, background detail is needed. At this point, I'm somewhat confused.
Your style here is clear and effective. Things make sense and I have no trouble following what's happening from point to point. Your word choice especially is good, because it fits into the context of the situation. However, pacing-wise, this seems a bit rushed. I don't feel grounded into your setting or conflict right now, as there's a definite lack of exposition. Jumping straight into the action is good, but at some point, background detail is needed. At this point, I'm somewhat confused.
10/4/2012 c1 Faithless Juliet
DIALOGE: There’s not a lot of dialogue in this chapter (not a bad thing) its more descriptive scene setting. But one thing that I wanted to point out was “pick a card, any card” the whole story has the wonderfully vivid medieval feel to it but the above dialogue sounds kind of cheesy. It’s very modern and a bit clichéd so it stood out as I was reading it. I think you could easily reinvent that line with something of your own and it would work ten times stronger.
SETTING: I liked how you described the castle and the surroundings. I’m not sure I care for the name of the country as Cassiopeia, it just doesn’t sound right. I did like how you named the other land Corvus (I wonder do you know that Corvus is Latin for crow?) and even though the two names fit together I still don’t like the name Cassiopeia, unless there on the star/planet of Cassiopeia, but I don’t think that’s the case.
CHARACTERS: You introduced both Lathall and the Princess well. I think they both could have been a bit more flushed out but overall I’m intrigued where this will go. You kind of hinted at the end that they might become romantically involved which will be interesting to see.
PLOT: I kind of wished you had ended on a more powerful note. It doesn’t really leave the reader earning to know what happens next, and I think perhaps the real action comes immediately following the princess whispering in her ear. But having said that, this is chapter one, so I do think that you’re just getting started. Keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.
DIALOGE: There’s not a lot of dialogue in this chapter (not a bad thing) its more descriptive scene setting. But one thing that I wanted to point out was “pick a card, any card” the whole story has the wonderfully vivid medieval feel to it but the above dialogue sounds kind of cheesy. It’s very modern and a bit clichéd so it stood out as I was reading it. I think you could easily reinvent that line with something of your own and it would work ten times stronger.
SETTING: I liked how you described the castle and the surroundings. I’m not sure I care for the name of the country as Cassiopeia, it just doesn’t sound right. I did like how you named the other land Corvus (I wonder do you know that Corvus is Latin for crow?) and even though the two names fit together I still don’t like the name Cassiopeia, unless there on the star/planet of Cassiopeia, but I don’t think that’s the case.
CHARACTERS: You introduced both Lathall and the Princess well. I think they both could have been a bit more flushed out but overall I’m intrigued where this will go. You kind of hinted at the end that they might become romantically involved which will be interesting to see.
PLOT: I kind of wished you had ended on a more powerful note. It doesn’t really leave the reader earning to know what happens next, and I think perhaps the real action comes immediately following the princess whispering in her ear. But having said that, this is chapter one, so I do think that you’re just getting started. Keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.
10/3/2012 c1 5Persevera
The tension between the two was very well done. I like the way you insert snippets of description into the action or narrative without taking paragraphs to create a scene.
The young magician possibly being over his head as advisor to the crown and feeling the need to live up to the reputation of his mentor is an interesting premise. The magic in connection with the cards, more so than the reading itself, was cool
5PerseveraThe tension between the two was very well done. I like the way you insert snippets of description into the action or narrative without taking paragraphs to create a scene.
The young magician possibly being over his head as advisor to the crown and feeling the need to live up to the reputation of his mentor is an interesting premise. The magic in connection with the cards, more so than the reading itself, was cool
10/3/2012 c1 44professional griefer
I liked your dialogue, while it was a bit stiff it definitely felt accurate to the time and vibe you're trying to get across.
I also liked your descriptions, the language used for them fit the world and painted a nice picture of what was happening.
One thing I didn't care for was your actions. They felt kind of drowned by unnecessary descriptions. If something's happening, I would just say how it's happening instead of trying to add quite so many adjectives.
Overall, it's a good first chapter.
44professional grieferI liked your dialogue, while it was a bit stiff it definitely felt accurate to the time and vibe you're trying to get across.
I also liked your descriptions, the language used for them fit the world and painted a nice picture of what was happening.
One thing I didn't care for was your actions. They felt kind of drowned by unnecessary descriptions. If something's happening, I would just say how it's happening instead of trying to add quite so many adjectives.
Overall, it's a good first chapter.
6/16/2012 c9 Silent Ruse
There's something about your style that makes me want to figure it out myself. Honestly I feel like I'm analyzing the situations rather than the story itself. How you do it I don't know, but it's great!
I will say for the first part it was a little dragging, though I'm not one who cares for things like the colour of one's scarf, but at the same time it adds flair, so I truly cannot complain. It's just me really.
The current situation makes me believe the butler did it and he's lying, then the second part makes me believe that Alice did it because she asked him to bring him coffee early. Needless to say my mind says it could be either one of them.
I doubt he committed suicide as he was an amputee, but another question arises as to why he was murdered in the first place. It seems these people all live with him as is so money, for right now, doesn't look like an issue, and for a butler I highly doubt a man of service would do it.
But they're both perfect cover ups, so I don't know yet!
Either way great chapter, and I hope you write more soon.
Also! I've taken some time off and did some research about writing and I think it's paid off, I started an entirely new series so if you're willing to check it out please do. It's first person and tells a tale about an Orphan entering an exciting world where Vampires are not who we think they are.
Anyways, sorry to use this review as a partial plug in for my own, if you want to know more just PM me! Until your next amazing chapter.
Silent Ruse
There's something about your style that makes me want to figure it out myself. Honestly I feel like I'm analyzing the situations rather than the story itself. How you do it I don't know, but it's great!
I will say for the first part it was a little dragging, though I'm not one who cares for things like the colour of one's scarf, but at the same time it adds flair, so I truly cannot complain. It's just me really.
The current situation makes me believe the butler did it and he's lying, then the second part makes me believe that Alice did it because she asked him to bring him coffee early. Needless to say my mind says it could be either one of them.
I doubt he committed suicide as he was an amputee, but another question arises as to why he was murdered in the first place. It seems these people all live with him as is so money, for right now, doesn't look like an issue, and for a butler I highly doubt a man of service would do it.
But they're both perfect cover ups, so I don't know yet!
Either way great chapter, and I hope you write more soon.
Also! I've taken some time off and did some research about writing and I think it's paid off, I started an entirely new series so if you're willing to check it out please do. It's first person and tells a tale about an Orphan entering an exciting world where Vampires are not who we think they are.
Anyways, sorry to use this review as a partial plug in for my own, if you want to know more just PM me! Until your next amazing chapter.
Silent Ruse
6/10/2012 c8 Silent Ruse
Well worth the wait I'll say, though I can't really dive in and give some great detail simply because it's an opener chapter.
I will comment on the way you reveal these cards though, they're really neat, creative and innovative. It's inspiring at times, but i'd never steal idea's from another author, so they're only inspirations of writing, not concepts.
I'm interested to see his master though, so I'm curious if his presence will be felt while in Lathall's investigation on the current murder at hand, and I'm curious what this murder will reveal about the overall plot (Unless you're someone who likes to write small snippets in stories and just continue a series).
Either way, glad you posted this chapter and once again I can't wait for the next one.
Silent Ruse
Well worth the wait I'll say, though I can't really dive in and give some great detail simply because it's an opener chapter.
I will comment on the way you reveal these cards though, they're really neat, creative and innovative. It's inspiring at times, but i'd never steal idea's from another author, so they're only inspirations of writing, not concepts.
I'm interested to see his master though, so I'm curious if his presence will be felt while in Lathall's investigation on the current murder at hand, and I'm curious what this murder will reveal about the overall plot (Unless you're someone who likes to write small snippets in stories and just continue a series).
Either way, glad you posted this chapter and once again I can't wait for the next one.
Silent Ruse
5/26/2012 c7 Silent Ruse
Wow, you just blew my mind with that one. Honestly.
Also glad to note you have more visitors responding to your works, glad to know a great story is getting noticed.
To know that this was all a test, while the topic seems a bit small at a glance, it was one hell of an amazing test. Everything was timed right. Anne's introduction and the Clarice's movements to ask for her aid. I can't get over how well you masked that honestly. The entire time I thought Anne was going to do something to Clarice and that thought only came up close to true was the chapter before this one.
On top of that, just the seven chapters you dedicated to getting to know Anne, Lathall (Reminds me of Disgaea) and Clarice in terms of how they do things, how they think, what they want and what they need was amazingly done. You've brought inspiration to this writer that's for sure.
It's a sad shame it'll be a while before your next couple of updates, but the anticipation will be well worth it, I assume.
Until another great chapter...
Silent Ruse... aka Remmington
Wow, you just blew my mind with that one. Honestly.
Also glad to note you have more visitors responding to your works, glad to know a great story is getting noticed.
To know that this was all a test, while the topic seems a bit small at a glance, it was one hell of an amazing test. Everything was timed right. Anne's introduction and the Clarice's movements to ask for her aid. I can't get over how well you masked that honestly. The entire time I thought Anne was going to do something to Clarice and that thought only came up close to true was the chapter before this one.
On top of that, just the seven chapters you dedicated to getting to know Anne, Lathall (Reminds me of Disgaea) and Clarice in terms of how they do things, how they think, what they want and what they need was amazingly done. You've brought inspiration to this writer that's for sure.
It's a sad shame it'll be a while before your next couple of updates, but the anticipation will be well worth it, I assume.
Until another great chapter...
Silent Ruse... aka Remmington
5/25/2012 c6 Blumiru
"The barrel of Anne's mini-cannon flared as it unleashed a missile which spiraled through the air and struck me brutally on the knee. My leg collapsed, and I fell forwards, at least for the moment.
The next, I stepped out of the way as the missile grazed my left leg."
Somewhere, a quantum physicist is having a great day.
"The barrel of Anne's mini-cannon flared as it unleashed a missile which spiraled through the air and struck me brutally on the knee. My leg collapsed, and I fell forwards, at least for the moment.
The next, I stepped out of the way as the missile grazed my left leg."
Somewhere, a quantum physicist is having a great day.
5/25/2012 c2 Blumiru
I'm fairly certain this is one of the best things I've read on here! Well-written if the scene-setting comes across as a little iffy sometimes.
But I must nitpick!
Solid, bitter chocolate- the first kind of chocolate invented- was only produced by the culinary innovators of the Dutch Republic, by the honest-to-god Mega Corp you may know as the East India Company. A major world power and colonial power of the time. I suggest you reconsider the botany of your story; maybe explain why cacao is grown on the same continent as a medieval, European-style kingdom? Set out your cultural notes.
Beyond that, all I can say is good job so far.
I'm fairly certain this is one of the best things I've read on here! Well-written if the scene-setting comes across as a little iffy sometimes.
But I must nitpick!
Solid, bitter chocolate- the first kind of chocolate invented- was only produced by the culinary innovators of the Dutch Republic, by the honest-to-god Mega Corp you may know as the East India Company. A major world power and colonial power of the time. I suggest you reconsider the botany of your story; maybe explain why cacao is grown on the same continent as a medieval, European-style kingdom? Set out your cultural notes.
Beyond that, all I can say is good job so far.
5/21/2012 c6 Silent Ruse
Now that's what I call a plot twist!
I'd be lying if I didn't say I was excited to see this chapter come up when I woke up this morning (Well, afternoon, baby keeps me up late).
The battle you had was really nice, I could honestly place both people in my mind and act out each action in my mind while you played it out, really felt like I was watching the battle rather than reading it.
I did get a little disorientated when you began talking about the cards and the flickering and such, just because I've yet to understand what these cards meant (Or if you've shown them earlier, I definitely forgot x.x)
There is a small question at hand however, why did Anne attack Lathall? I understand the purpose of the fight in the aspect of mystery, worked wonders, but now I'm left with the question "If she isn't the attacker, why would she attack him all of a sudden?"
My first guess is to prove she didn't do it through actions instead of words. My second guess is a rivalry they share and her desires to prove she's better. If so, I think they need to be a little touched up on.
I will say this though, in the beginning I had suspected the princess to be something of a character of suspect only because of the introduction you gave to her. But I will admit that through the course of what you have written that thought dissipated because of the whole focus on the other people.
So as of now, you have done a wonderful job, and things really feel like they round off nicely, so I can only expect more twists and turns after this chapter. That's what I enjoy about your work, you're capable of having the reader think "Ok i figured it out now" then turn around, give em a slap and throw in new info and go "What do you think now?"
Either way, another amazing chapter and I can't wait till the next one.
Remmington.
Now that's what I call a plot twist!
I'd be lying if I didn't say I was excited to see this chapter come up when I woke up this morning (Well, afternoon, baby keeps me up late).
The battle you had was really nice, I could honestly place both people in my mind and act out each action in my mind while you played it out, really felt like I was watching the battle rather than reading it.
I did get a little disorientated when you began talking about the cards and the flickering and such, just because I've yet to understand what these cards meant (Or if you've shown them earlier, I definitely forgot x.x)
There is a small question at hand however, why did Anne attack Lathall? I understand the purpose of the fight in the aspect of mystery, worked wonders, but now I'm left with the question "If she isn't the attacker, why would she attack him all of a sudden?"
My first guess is to prove she didn't do it through actions instead of words. My second guess is a rivalry they share and her desires to prove she's better. If so, I think they need to be a little touched up on.
I will say this though, in the beginning I had suspected the princess to be something of a character of suspect only because of the introduction you gave to her. But I will admit that through the course of what you have written that thought dissipated because of the whole focus on the other people.
So as of now, you have done a wonderful job, and things really feel like they round off nicely, so I can only expect more twists and turns after this chapter. That's what I enjoy about your work, you're capable of having the reader think "Ok i figured it out now" then turn around, give em a slap and throw in new info and go "What do you think now?"
Either way, another amazing chapter and I can't wait till the next one.
Remmington.
5/17/2012 c5 Silent Ruse
I gotta say I love the fact that at the end of every chapter there's always some kind of hook to say "Oh god what happens now?" As if the plot keeps twisting at every turn, yet keeping truly consistent with the story, really enjoying that honestly.
Also something else I truly enjoy about what you do with the story, and it's being able to keep the readers up to date with how this mystery is unfolding. I almost at times found myself trying to use logical deductions to think about who it may be, and honestly it was kind of fun.
I got a little lost in conversation again at the beginning as I think you made the same person speak twice in two separate lines right next to each other, but again I was able to figure it out quickly do it wasn't a huge distraction.
I do like that at the end of this chapter you give a hint as to who the culprit is, I'm going to believe it's (Anne? Girl with the mini-cannon) but you have a knack to throw thing our way then tell us it was something else, so I'll try not to lock in on that (As I feel you're also going to say that she's there for a completely different reason.)
As for me reading, you're under my subscriptions so I'll always have a means to see your work the moment you post it (As you've noticed I tend to read your work the same day it comes out.)
I really hope this is a saga you continue with for a long time as it's something I really want to keep reading, and this is coming from a guy who actually hates to read (I can't sit down for mroe than 5 minutes to read a bloody book).
Until the next awesome chapter comes around.
Remmington.
I gotta say I love the fact that at the end of every chapter there's always some kind of hook to say "Oh god what happens now?" As if the plot keeps twisting at every turn, yet keeping truly consistent with the story, really enjoying that honestly.
Also something else I truly enjoy about what you do with the story, and it's being able to keep the readers up to date with how this mystery is unfolding. I almost at times found myself trying to use logical deductions to think about who it may be, and honestly it was kind of fun.
I got a little lost in conversation again at the beginning as I think you made the same person speak twice in two separate lines right next to each other, but again I was able to figure it out quickly do it wasn't a huge distraction.
I do like that at the end of this chapter you give a hint as to who the culprit is, I'm going to believe it's (Anne? Girl with the mini-cannon) but you have a knack to throw thing our way then tell us it was something else, so I'll try not to lock in on that (As I feel you're also going to say that she's there for a completely different reason.)
As for me reading, you're under my subscriptions so I'll always have a means to see your work the moment you post it (As you've noticed I tend to read your work the same day it comes out.)
I really hope this is a saga you continue with for a long time as it's something I really want to keep reading, and this is coming from a guy who actually hates to read (I can't sit down for mroe than 5 minutes to read a bloody book).
Until the next awesome chapter comes around.
Remmington.